Dream: Double Dragon

I couldn’t sleep last night for a sore throat and severely watery eyes. Even sucking on a cough drop didn’t help. It was 2am before I fell asleep and I woke at 6am. 😦

Dream: Double Dragon

In this dream I recall being outside in the country walking along and then looking up in the sky to see two dragons (fiery personality, highly spiritual, good fortune). They seemed to be one but then not one, like flying so close they were one. I kept myself hidden under bushes, trees and such as I made my way through the country. I recall seeing the dragons several times. I wanted to stay hidden from them just in case they might eat me.

I encountered a crystal clear stream (profound understanding, emotion) running very swiftly downhill. It didn’t run through rocks or earth, though, but through a culvert or canal that shimmered with gold (spiritual reward) and crystal (unity with Higher Self) leafing. It went underground and I stepped into the shallow water and walked against the current up toward a small waterfall (letting go) that flowed out of an unknown source. Though it was underground it was very light and open inside with windows looking up and out onto the road the stream ran under.

Feet wet I crawled up a wall. Still on the lookout for the dragon I saw them in the distance to my left. So I grabbed onto little outcroppings in the wall of a building and crawled through a window. The building now reminds me of a castle (recognition for accomplishments).

Inside it was pristine, like a very fancy hotel (shift in personality). The windows opened up onto a veranda upon which I found myself. I walked through the glass doors and into the suite. I knew I had stayed there before. It was for couples and I remembered being with a partner though who that was specifically I do not recall.

I realized right away that the place had been locked up for the season. Everything was set up for the future guests – little welcome chocolates with note cards, flowers and fluffed pillows. It was very beautiful and a place I would love to stay at.

For some reason I became suspicious about the place being closed. It was too early in the season and so I investigated and soon found a young man laying on a sofa. I was with a woman and we discussed how it could have come to be that the place was closed down. She suggested the heir mismanaged the money and we went through photos of people from long ago.

The man on the sofa stirred. We suspected he was the heir and when he woke we confronted him about a murder (putting an end to something), though at the time there was no evidence of one. As we mentioned “murder” though there was a knife (aggression, need to be decisive) in his hand and it was found that he had stabbed (sexual domination) himself in an attempt to make it look like he was attacked. I remember there was blood (disappointment) all over his chest and we discussed how he could have stabbed himself in the heart and not died.

Changes of Note

When I woke this morning the dragons in the dream were vivid in my memory and made me think of Chinese astrology. I am a Dragon, specifically a Fire Dragon. My husband is also a Dragon. Whether that is significant or not, I don’t know, but it was on my mind upon waking.

It was curious to me that the dragons in my dream appeared as one. To me that seems to indicate a union of two aspects, likely masculine and feminine. The hotel I visited was one I had been to before, in my astral memories, and I had been with my partner. It seems to fit with the two dragons and the other dream symbols suggest my dream is about success in regards to some aspect of union.

In a conversation with my husband last night he brought to my attention positive changes he has seen in me. At first I didn’t know what he was talking about but later agreed with him. Mostly, the changes in me are that I am lighter, less prone to fixating on the negative, and less resistant. I have lost interest in fighting with my husband over any subject. It is just not worth my time or energy. I choose to focus on the things that lift me up and make me feel positive. This is a conscious decision I make over and over, day after day. If I find myself angry, upset, or fixating on something, then I make a conscious choice to let it go however I need to so that I feel relief.

I have completely let go of certain things that were weighing me down. As a result my mind is quieter and I am much more at peace with my life. That which use to bring me grief and heartache (heartsickness) no longer evokes those feelings but instead leaves me feeling calm and accepting. I recognize that the source of the connection, the Divine love and friendship that once caused me to feel like an insane drug addict (lol), is ME. I am the calm, the peace, the love, the friendship, the joy that I am seeking. It just isn’t as I assumed it would be. I kept thinking it was something I had to rise to, to obtain somehow through hard work and struggle. Slowly I am finding that access is granted via allowing, acceptance, patience, and nurturing of Self. It comes with ease and grace…..and I am slowly beginning to understand how to unlock mySelf from within…if that even makes sense. lol

Ultimately it all comes down to choosing in every moment what I want to experience; making a conscious CHOICE to flow with my life rather than against it. It isn’t as hard as it looks. The only time I really struggle (somewhat) is when I come up against something that triggers me in a negative way. It can be absolutely excruciating to let that go and allow things to flow as they are meant to. Giving others….ALLOWING others to have something at what my Ego thinks is my expense is not only difficult but sometimes scary as hell! It’s the giving up of my control….but no it isn’t. That’s a lie. It is better said that I trust that all will work out for everyone involved no matter how much my Ego interprets the present situation as being a threat to it. This trust involves knowing that no matter the outcome I CAN handle it and will never be given anything I cannot bear.

Someone once tried to explain the above to me and I just didn’t get it. I do now I think. Words just don’t explain it, though. You can say, “Live from the heart” but really it doesn’t mean anything until you have taken your own personal route to the heart and find yourself in it and finally understanding.




More on the Ego Child

Got sick yesterday. I thought I would be able to avoid the chest cold (okay why did I just type “cost” instead of “cold”?) my two youngest got last weekend. Guess not. Sore throat and congestion with minor headache – yay. I’ve actually had a headache on and off for four days now. I rarely get headaches. Considering my family is suppose to leave tomorrow for South Padre Island (6hr drive), the timing of my sickness is not ideal. Not that I can’t enjoy the beach with congestion but it makes it less comfortable. Now if my husband were to get sick with this cold, well he would be bedridden and the trip would be cancelled. Ha! Men!

The funk I have been in has all be self-imposed. Obviously. It always is. In the middle of the night I awoke and all of the funk and crap had vanished and I felt at ease with life. This is the “real” me. I know this. In fact, this version of “me” is what came out two days ago and sent me into this most recent “tantrum”. What did she do? Oh nothing but be happy with the way things are. She looked ahead at her (my) future, saw the mundaneness of it and thought pleasant thoughts about it. Actually, I will say she felt optimistic and pleased with the entire probable future of the current timeline we occupy.

Yeah, as you can guess I wasn’t having any of that. Hell no. I don’t want “normal”. I want “exciting”. I want to feel ALIVE. The same ol’, same ol’ doesn’t feel like living to me. So I replaced the happy, go-with-the-flow feeling with resistance. I gotta make things interesting, right?

The key thing here is I noticed both me’s and opted for the tantrum-throwing version. This I blame on the testing energy of June. It is so mental that it is easy to jump into old patterns and resistance is one of my top patterns. I just automatically tend to resist if I feel someone or something is imposing their will on me and my life. I’ve been like that all my life. You say yes, I automatically say no. Argumentative. Stubborn. I’ve gotta be the one with the idea. If you got the idea then you better make it seem like I was a part of it. Yeah, sad. I am aware, though. This, thankfully, is me at my worst. I’m not usually so bad but throw in a headache, cold, and three kids fighting and I break under the strain of it all.

This morning I am more agreeable despite the illness. My probable future is not so bad, it is just not exactly what I had hoped for or imagined. But in these moments we have to be willing to experience anything as resistance to any one thing will only delay things. What you resist, persists, you know?

There is a part of me that fears she will never be happy, she will never be in a fulfilling relationship based on real love or be with her soul family or fulfill her purpose. She feels she is being punished. Why should she sacrifice herself, her wants, needs, and desires, for everyone else? When will it be her time? She gets angry when she’s told to wait and in protest rejects her Knowing that she will get what she wants if she would just be patient. The thought of being old, fat, and unattractive bothers her greatly. She feels her remaining youth and health is being wasted. When I focus on her I feel restless, like a child who was told she gets to go to Disney World in a month but every passing day is agony.

It seems that this part of me has to come out, has to have her say, every once in a while. But being her is a miserable experience for me, albeit a learning one. What is most difficult is that I love her and want her to be happy. I want to give her what she wants when she wants it. I feel I am not a good parent. I’m too permissive. Perhaps I should be a more authoritarian parent? Yet, if you are a parent you know that if you give a child an inch they will take a mile. I’ve already given too many inches. The thing is, most of us in human bodies have already given our Ego child many, many inches. You can’t undo that. A friend of mine is opting to give nothing to the Ego child. Any want or desire of the Ego child is off-limits. But if you do that to a child who already has a taste of what they want, it won’t work. You will have outright rebellion of a serious nature at some point. You don’t want to try and beat them into apathy. It doesn’t play out well in the end for either the parent or the child.

We have to listen to the Ego child. The Ego child has a lot to teach us if we take a moment to listen and communicate with him/her. Communicate is the key word here. It’s a give and take relationship that will have the best results.

I am reminded of when I was a child and got in trouble. I often had no idea why I was being punished. This made me quite angry and vengeful. Not good for my mom. lol As an adult we talked about this. I said to her, “If you would have just taken time to talk to me, to tell me what I did wrong and explain things, I would not have gotten so angry and vengeful. I would have still been mad but I would have understood. That is all I needed. That is all I still need.” My mom’s method was get angry, spank, ground me to my room and demand I tell her what I did wrong. For a child who had no idea what she had done, the constant demand to say what I had done wrong caused me to feel I could do nothing right.

This is just me and my Ego child. Your Ego child may be way easier to manage. lol Maybe your parents did talk to you. Maybe you weren’t spanked all the time. Maybe you were lovingly disciplined. Maybe you were heard. I wasn’t. I was the middle child and the scapegoat. If something went wrong, I was immediately blamed. Not that I wasn’t doing bad things, oh I was, but I often was blamed when I had done nothing wrong. The pre-dominating feeling during my childhood was, “No one loves me” followed by, “No one wants me”.  Those feelings are what has to be confronted and handled now, just by me, not my parents.

Just know that whatever you did as a child, your Ego child will still do. It was life-saving at the time. If you closed off your heart then and it worked then closing off your heart now will be the go-to method of survival. If anger and revenge served their purpose then, it will be the go-to now. If you decided no one loved you then, well it will happen now, too.

It goes the same with what worked to make you happy and cooperative. If you liked love and cuddles as a child (who didn’t?) then that is what you really want now, too. If you enjoyed being praised and congratulated on your accomplishments, then that is what you want now, too. Think about the times you felt loved and cherished. What did your parents or others do to make you feel that way? This is what you give yourself now. This is the key to pacifying to Ego child.

The Ego child is not going away. It will not be subdued by force but through loving acceptance. It will come out and throw its tantrums. Sometimes it will take over. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you need to listen. Let him/her make their list of demands. Help them feel heard. Let them know they will have what they most desire and you will do everything in your power to make it so. But also let them know they will also have to do their part. Cooperation is key.

Music Messages

Now that we have all that covered (lol), I will share two songs that came to me this morning after a series of strange dreams.

Ho Hey, the Lumineers – “I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart”. My Companion always calls me, “Sweetheart.” ❤

Followed by Renegades by the X Ambassadors – “Hey, hey, hey, living like we’re renegades.”

The songs didn’t mean much to me when I woke up hearing them really. Now, though, I am reminded that the real me, the me at the core of this personality in this lifetime, can also be found in the Ego child. The distinguishing characteristics of our core personality can be found in those things we did as a child that brought us joy. Not just the actions or hobbies, but also the underlying creative spark, our inner soul drive, can be found in those happy moments of childhood.

Here are the most obvious ones for me that come to mind:

Adventurer – I was always exploring. If it had a fence, I went over it, even if it was private property and I was not allowed. I would spend the entire day out exploring vacant lots, fields, the 52 acres at my grandparent’s. If there was an abandoned house, I went inside it. If the house wasn’t abandoned and unlocked, I would even go in to explore (I did this very rarely). This, BTW, is also how I am when OOB. LOL

Nature lover – I was always outside, rain permitting and sometimes even dancing or swimming in the rain. My favorite things to do? Fish, swim, hunt for crawdads in the mud, climb trees, find lost or stray animals and bring them home (lol), ride my bike, explore (see above). This later extended to hunting and camping but I learned I didn’t like hunting.

Fearless – goes with the two above. I didn’t care if I was caught or got hurt. Many times I should have been hurt, but wasn’t. This also applied to speaking my mind.

Artistic/Creative – I loved to draw and make up stories. If I wasn’t outside I had out paper and pencil and drew horses and unicorns, imagining entire stories in my mind as I drew. I also use to sing and dance around the house or outside, making up song and just feeling carefree.

Curious/Inquisitive – I loved to learn and try new things. I got bored easily so having many things going on at once kept me busy and interested. I was always asking “Why?” lol I wanted to know how things worked and would often watch my dad work on the engines of his cars and ask him questions, even help him.

Social/Bold – I always had a band of friends and I was the leader. If they questioned my leadership I was bossy and mean until they stopped questioning it or went away. I didn’t care if they liked me really, I just liked being in charge. Other kids just flocked to me without me having to do anything. This sometimes irritated me, though, as I also had a loner aspect, a wild independence that did not like to be slowed down by others. Most of my friends were boys. I use to make the girls cry (sigh lol).

Loving – I was generous with my love but if I felt my love was rejected I shut down to that person. Very possessive of those I loved. I wanted to be the only child so that I was the only one my mom loved. Early on I gave my love openly and without restraint but wanted to be loved the same in return. This was rare, though.

Intuitive – I had vivid dreams early on and could sense the feelings and true nature of other people keenly. I could foresee the future even then but it often made me fearful. Spoke with an imaginary friend until I was 3 and recall conversations with my guidance at an early age.

The key is taking these core attributes that were present when we were children and bringing them back into balance with who we have become as adults. We have to stop suppressing them and allow them to shine through.




I had many vivid dreams last night, the last of which was emotional. I awoke feeling an unexplained loss. Crying softly in my pillow I wondered, “Why am I crying? Why do I feel like this?”

From this point commenced a short conversation between me and my Higher Self/Companion/Guide.

He asked me, “How are you suppose to feel?”

I thought on this a while and the answer came through a series of pictures and words. They flooded my mind and brought understanding and solemnity.

First came the pictures. They are vague now and all I recall are vivid images of a vast darkness speckled with white dots that appeared to be stars, easily assumed to be the universe. From there came a sensation of being cut off from this suddenly and abruptly. As if a wall came down and wiped out all connection, all memory, all understanding. The vastness that I was part of, that was me, was suddenly nothing; empty and alone.

With these pictures came a thought question, “Imagine how you would feel to suddenly lose yourself. How would you feel if you were taken from everything you knew and left alone without the connection to Source that you once had?”

And in that moment I understood why I was crying, why I felt like this.

He then said to me, “You are suppose to feel this way. This is intentional, for how could you ever know what you have lost if you never lost it?”

And I thought to myself and to him, “I am suppose to feel this way”.

And I understood. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way I feel. The experience causes it to be so for it allows me to view things from a different vantage point, one in which I am separate.

He asked me, “What does the separateness create?

And I replied, “Me”.

It was for me like the feeling one gets as a small child when they suddenly find themselves separated from their parent in the grocery store. There is a sudden recognition, “I am alone” along with an intense nervousness and panic. Instantly, the child seeks out their parent except that this time I never find my parent because the instant I lose sight of him/her I forget he/she exists. Instead, I wander around the store aimlessly looking for something I cannot describe, inundated by a feeling of utterly impenetrable aloneness.

I saw the Ego was the creation of this separateness. For some reason I began to think of competition. I thought of how the Ego wants recognition, attention – to be special. I thought about how we have competitions on the Other Side (somehow I knew this) and I asked my guide, “Do we just let each other win?” and with his answer I also answered, “No. We do our best and do not always win”. Yet I knew that on the Other Side the connectivity we have with one another made the sport fun no matter whether you were the “winner” or the “loser”.  Without that connection here on earth the result is jealousy, anger, hatred, resentment and a myriad of other emotions followed sometimes by actions of revenge but always with a sense of loss and misunderstanding at our very core.

This is how it is suppose to be.

I feel very solemn still as I write this. How can I be okay with being separate? How can I just be what I am when I am and trust the spark that remains in my heart, the one remnant of who I am that remains intact?

Physical Manifestations of Integration

I am having some physical manifestations of the integration process. I was about to call them “symptoms” but that word didn’t feel right. These are not symptoms as much as they are the results of the shifting of the cellular structure of the physical vessel.

In the last week I have had a resurgence of manifestation phenomena. This is what I have noted thus far:

  • Major skin changes to include: eczema, rashes/allergic reactions, and acne issues
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Odd dreams
  • Disconnect from guides/Team
  • Hot flashes
  • Emotional roller coaster
  • Lack of motivation
  • Lower back ache
  • Upper back tension
  • Extremely clear vision
  • Loss of appetite
  • Craving raw vegetables
  • Avoidance of social situations
  • Irritability
  • Feeling I have not slept despite 9+ hours of sleep
  • Congestion (have had this going on 3 weeks as have other family members)
  • Decrease in buzzing sensations in third eye and crown, though third eye will occasionally buzz

The most annoying of these is the sleep disturbances and skin issues. I do not feel rested in the morning and am now considering taking Benadryl again to try and correct this. The skin changes have come on suddenly and out of the blue. The eczema came first, followed by a nasty acne breakout. I visited the dermatologist who once again blamed it on stress. Then yesterday I got hives on my upper thighs and rear from an allergic reaction of some sort. It is still bothering me today and feels hot and stingy. Makes it difficult to sit! lol

The Connection is Not Lost

Despite feeling disconnected from my guides/Team, I was able to establish communication with my Companion briefly last night. It was only via my heart chakra that I was able to do this and the communication was more feeling than mental.

I recognized that I needed to do my part and had been slipping up. I was told I am being observed, which kind of made me feel like I am in the midst of a “test”. However, I felt the observations were crucial to the process to make sure that I was properly prepared for what was to come next. I kept thinking of the idiom, “Slow and steady wins the race”.

Be patient. Have persistence. Tune into the heart. Tune out the mind. Listen.

I once again tuned into my heart space this morning upon waking. I did this because I am so tired of waking up in a bad mood and I was reminded that I choose how I feel. I saw the mind chatter of the Ego instantly. It said, “I don’t want to wake up. I hate my life. Take me Home.” These thoughts set up my entire day and I was not having it! Tuning into my heart shut them down quickly and I felt instantly a shift in perspective. It was like I pulled out the hidden me and shifted her to the forefront.

I have been calm and pleasant ever since. I see clearly that I have been duped by the Ego once again.

I so easily forget the destruction the Ego can bring with her selfish demands, instant gratification and avoidance techniques. She makes me Forget and that is perhaps her worst trait.

Sleeplessness and Dreams

The quiet voice returned yesterday. Not that it ever really went away. I did that. I went away. Or should I say the “other” me came back with a vengeance.

I was in the midst of living my day when it returned. What is interesting here is that it was so barely noticeable but at the same time it was all encompassing and impossible to ignore.

I don’t remember now what exactly was said but it was simple statements that I heard, statements that reflected the moment I was in. Sometimes they were requests asking me to take notice. Other times they were explanations; lessons. I do remember that I was reminded that I choose how I feel and react. I was also reminded to accept that which I can no longer control. If it is done, it’s done.

Listening and acknowledging the truth of these insights, I began once again to let go of arguments and resistance. This helped but it was difficult. The other me was/is very strong.

It became suddenly very apparent that maintaining control of the host body is a process that never ends. I must persist or lose control. I must remain always in touch with the body; the mind; the heart. If I relax and assume I have it “all under control” then the other me returns. I honestly wish she would go away and get over herself.

It is so much work. Why is it so hard?

And my guide said, “It will be easy”. Which part? Ha!


Falling asleep was difficult last night. I had a flashback of those years in which I suffered greatly from insomnia. I do not want to return to that! Yet there it was, heavy and having over me and causing great mental strain and confusion.

I appealed to my guides. “I want to sleep!”, I said. “What is going on?”

It was than that a phrase entered my mind, “Inside it is chaos. We will fix it”. I recalled hearing a similar statement recently. So this is the chaos?

I withdrew into my heart space and from there I was able to observe some of what was going on. The other me was quite upset about the current changes and the ones yet to come. The mind felt overwhelmed and the thoughts were haphazard and did not make sense. There would be one thought and another, disconnected one would pop up.

At some point, exhaustion overcame me and I fell asleep.


The night was a busy one. I wish I recalled in detail everything but unfortunately my exhaustion must have eliminated the memory upon reentry.

I do recall waking at one point from a dream in which I was hunting down an entity. In the dream this entity had attached itself to me and was the cause of the chaotic thoughts and resistance. I had located it and was capturing it when I awoke. I immediately surrounded myself with light and returned to sleep. All I recall of this entity was that it was very small and resembled a little blob with a face.

The next dream I recall was returning to Alaska and reuniting with my ex-husband. For some reason I was very happy and felt safe, as if he could erase all my problems. I remember being at his work and there was a man who masturbated and got semen all over a glass table. Undisturbed, I cleaned it off with a wet rag. I remember looking closely at the glass as I cleaned it.

There was discussion about a trip. A woman who was there was about to have a baby and was going to go on a spiritual purification-type journey. I wanted to go with her but the timing was in question. She wanted to leave now and I told her I wanted to finish my visit and to wait. I remember seeing a calendar in my mind and deciding to leave on a Friday. The destination was one I knew and I told her, “That is where I go to school”.


My purification is soon to conclude and my Companion has moved in a bit closer, initiating communication with me in the evenings. There is a bit of a disconnect still ongoing and it was explained to me that I have shifted from a heart focus to a mind focus. I recognized this to be true and attempted to center in my heart but found it difficult as my mind continued to drift back to pressing issues that it seems not able to let go of this last week. In my exhaustion I eventually drifted in and out of sleep.

I also received a message that I would have more intense and dramatic dreams. As if to illustrate this point, during the first minutes of sleep I was awakened suddenly from a dream in which I observed the execution of several people. I saw their heads explode and it startled me awake.

I have had so many dreams last night that I am not sure where to start or what to focus upon so I will recount on the most recent of them.

It is Well

The last dream I recall was of me driving with a woman toward a destination I don’t recall. She stopped at her house on the way. I looked out the window and saw a very dilapidated house in disrepair. It stood out amidst the very pristine neighborhood it was located in.

I watched the woman go inside and attempted to peek in and see if the inside was like the outside. I got a glimpse of a modern, updated house and assumed they were renovating the place. The woman walked up to the window and looked out at me. What was weird is that the window had that tint on it that appeared like a mirror to all on the outside looking in. So I saw her as a reflection. I knew this was wrong. I shouldn’t be seeing her at all and this confused me. I did not think more on it and headed into the house.

Inside I saw a sparsely decorated space with sleek lines and mostly light pine furniture with no cushions. I headed into a large room where many people were gathered. The woman who had driven me to the house was in front of the group talking about plans and I was distinctly aware that I had walked into a church meeting.

The group began to sing and I joined in. They were singing, It is Well With My Soul. I knew the song and enjoyed singing it very much. I sang loudly and could hear my voice rise above the voices of the others. I felt wonderful.

The singing stopped and the woman began to talk about a fundraiser that was suppose to have been planned for Halloween. I was suppose to have begun working on it and I recall that the fundraiser was selling pumpkins. It was to start in September but I had not started working on it yet. I felt ashamed because it was August and I had done nothing.

The woman then explained to the group that it was a sin to have sexual relationships outside of marriage. I felt completely out of place at that point and began to leave. I was asked why I was leaving and I said, “I have three children. It is obvious that I have had sex many times” and I laughed.

As I attempted to leave I felt to be followed and began to look for my glasses. I picked up a pair on the table but the prescription was wrong and they were tinted. I was able to see more clearly than with my own glasses, though. I remember putting them down and leaving.

I began to question the dream at this point and started to focus in on the people who were all around me. I saw the faces of men and women, all strangers to me, and they were all looking at me like they were waiting for me to do something. I recognized that I was dreaming then and began to try and move into the crowd of people and take control of the dream. I began to feel myself moving back into my body. This is when I woke up, the song I had been singing still vivid in my mind.


The dream seems to go along with how I have been feeling in life lately. I have been questioning everything that has been happening to me spiritual since last summer. A full year has passed and though I have gone through some miraculous spiritual changes, I still feel very much like I did last summer. There is an incompleteness and a nagging feeling that I am missing something, but I don’t know what.

I also have a strong desire to leave my job. I attempted to listen to my heart about it last night and when I recognized that it was in my best interest to leave the job, my mind took over and made it almost impossible to remain centered because it was freaking out. I seem unable to control my mind no matter how hard I try. Thankfully, a strange inner calm remains despite the mental pushing going on and this keeps me from overreacting and doing something prematurely. Every time I think I have made a decision about my job I get pulled in the other direction. I feel like a yo-yo.

It very much seems that right now the New me is working hard to control the wild, out of control horse (Ego, human personality). Right now, the method of control is merely holding back the horse while it lashes and bucks in an attempt to remove the intruder. There is not much else that can be done until the horse calms down and recognizes its attempts are getting it nowhere. Then, when the horse is calm and submissive, movement forward can be made.

So the message is clear that no decision can be made in my current state. I am okay with this. I can have either option available to me and recognize that I need to be open to possibility right now. Though I do not know what is coming up next, I have faith that all will work out as it is intended.

Separation from Ego

As this day draws to an end I am finding myself contemplating my recent change in mood. I have been angry most of the day at my husband. What I began to realize, though, is that the anger I have been feeling is not real. It is like I have been mocking it up and putting energy into it. When I take time to inspect the anger it seems fake and hollow. It has no depth to it. In recognizing this, it vanished.

Interestingly this came with the thought: I am not anger. I am joy.

When I look back at times when I am calm, happy, peaceful or joyful, these emotions are not hollow. They are real.

Anger just feels untrue. It feels self-created.

It is Ego.

I feel quite satisfied with myself right now in my ability to spot this lack of truth and end it. In doing this, though, I ran into that crazy, strange alien feeling that I had not long ago when I went OOB while wide awake. The disconnect returned and with it came the calm.

I am not completely settled. My mind is too engrossed in what just happened and I need to take some time to settle it and stop trying to force understanding.

It just goes to show that the Ego may seem “under control” but it can rise up at anytime and throw your life out of balance.

It is experiences such as these that better familiarizes me with the Ego I have in this life. It is strange how separate I feel from this part of myself now.

I wanted to share something else with you all that I somehow forgot.

The other day while waking up, I awoke in communication with who I thought was my Council. I don’t remember now what I was saying but I recognized instantly that I was talking to my Self.

And I also recognized my Higher Self as female.

Ultimately the shock of it is what pulled me completely out of my light reverie. I silently celebrated for I have never, and I mean never, identified with this part of me as female. My Higher Self has always been male to me and I seemed always to reject the female aspect completely. When I thought about this sudden change I smiled. I no longer reject the female aspect of my Self! How wonderful!