Meet Monty

The trip south of San Antonio was a long one but we got there by 7pm last night. The place was way out in the country and they had more dogs than I could count running this way and that. The mini-Aussie is so much smaller than a standard Aussie that their size caught me off guard. I almost backed out but I didn’t want to disappoint my kids. Plus we had driven 2.5 hours through traffic to get there. The father of the litter of pups was so handsome and reserved and his energy was wonderful, so much so that my middle son asked, “Can we get this one?” LOL

It took the kids a while to pick the one they wanted. I wanted the one that was too young (of course) but since this dog is not just mine I let the group decide and they opted for a very out-going, friendly one that kept jumping toward them when they came near.


The trip home only took 1.5 hours because there was no traffic so we got home before 10pm. The puppy did well considering it was his first long car ride. He only whimpered a little and the kids all three sat in the back seat with him on their lap. They are over the moon in love with him. Even now I hear them downstairs talking and playing with him. He will not be bored by our family, that is for sure!

We considered names as we drove home. My husband kept saying, “Barlow” and I had a name pop into my head – Gunther. So I joked around the whole trip that his new name would be “Gunther Barlow” – “Gunner” for short. LOL I actually liked it because it sounded like some kind of musician or celebrity name to me. hehe Plus, my ex-husband’s nickname is Gunner and I thought it suited a pet’s name (no insult intended). I have been thinking of my ex and Montana lately because I have been thinking of Trooper and the time he was alive so that is why my ex-husband’s nickname was on my mind.

The puppy spent his first night in an extra large crate, Trooper’s old one. He was not happy in it and cried of course. He started out in my daughter’s room but within 5 minutes she was begging me to take him out because he was too loud. So I took him downstairs in the spot we created for him in the laundry room that’s connected to our kitchen. He spent the night in there and we couldn’t hear his cries. I know he stopped crying within 30 minutes though because I could not sleep again. I was up until 1:30am this time. 😦

This morning when I woke up I was thinking of the little puppy and wondering about a name. I thought, “Montana on my Mind” and then knew his name – Monty. When I went downstairs the entire family was at the park with him (sun barely up) so I joined them. When I got there I told them the name and the kids all loved it and immediately started calling him Monty. So Monty he is. 🙂

Now begins potty training and training in general. So far the kids are very attentive to him and listening to my doggy rules for training. The rules are: 1. Whoever gets him from his crate/kennel must take him immediately outside to go potty (dogs won’t potty in their crate). 2. Always take him outside after he eats and don’t let him back in until he has done his business. 3. Someone must always be with him when he is inside the house and not in his kennel. 4. Take him outside every half hour or so to let him potty. 5. ALWAYS praise him when he goes potty outside. 6. Anytime we are not home he gets put in his kennel/crate.

So far so good. During the week all of the above rules will mainly be my job. Yay? lol

Personality-wise he seems to be very attention-seeking. He likes feet and tends to get right up under my feet as soon as he sees me. He likes being held and being close to a human body. He hasn’t been playing much but last night he found a dirty sock to play with almost immediately. When left on his own he follows us and does not wander far. So far he responds to us calling him pretty quickly. I was told (I didn’t see myself) that my husband’s already prepping him for his role of “running companion”. Monty ran with him and he was able to keep up for a short distance, too. Considering how small he is (can’t be more than 5lbs), that is impressive!


Dream Theme: New Job Assignment

Since my last post I have had trouble sleeping. Maybe it’s the energies of the full moon or some other influence but I can’t fall asleep. Normally I go to bed around 9pm because the kids wake at 6:30am for school and inevitably so do I. However, for three nights straight I don’t fall asleep until midnight or 1am. That means for three nights straight I’ve only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep when normally I get 8-9.

When I sleep I have strange dreams all centered on the same dream theme of me being given a new job. After each dream I wake suddenly as if in surprise at around 5:45am, well before I have to wake up. Then I can’t return to sleep. 😦

Dream: Job Assignment

In this dream I was told I was to be assigned to this well-to-do man who could get me into a position as an administrative assistant or similar. I was not keen on this type of work but went accepted it anyway. The woman talking to me gave me the impression of a man who had several prostitutes working for him. It put me off but then when I met the other woman I felt at ease.

The main thing I recall is fixing my hair (evaluating a new way of thinking, new perspective). When I brushed it the color changed from a dull, medium blonde (dish water blonde) to a vibrant, flaxen blonde (vibrancy) that curled on the end. It looked like Barbie hair. I put it up in a side pony tail.

Then I met the man who was to get me the job. I can’t remember what he looked like now but in the dream it seemed like he was making war with others.  He was also throwing large pallets full of money (success, prosperity). Very odd imagery!

Dream: Four Friends

In this job I was watching a detective trying to question people about a theft. I remember not knowing where I was and being a bit confused. Eventually I was with him and three others sitting outside at a picnic table. One man was a police officer (structure, rules) dressed in uniform. Another was a pregnant (experiencing connection) woman. I suddenly recognized the feeling I had and said to the group, “Can you feel it? We are all connected.” One woman gave me a frantic look and I said, “No, not like that. We don’t have to be romantic but it is obvious we were brought together for a reason.” I felt confident that I was right.

I then went to a truck (hard work) that was parked on the side of the road. Across the road was a strange mesa and I mentioned to the man I was with that I missed the mountains (knowledge, spiritual truth). I told him about them and as I spoke I could see them in the distance. I remember calling them “Blue” and mentioning Montana.

Eventually I was in the truck. An old friend of mine was driving me north and she was irritated to be there with me. Long ago she cut ties with me so I understood her upset. She took me on a road that had heavy construction (rebuilding life, surge of confidence) and then to a house where I was to be given my next job.

Inside the house I waited in a small bedroom. Curious, I looked through the drawers and saw several pill bottles (healing), sexual lubricant and a tube of estrogen cream (sexuality, the feminine). I knew somehow the woman was pregnant and had to use the cream but I was grossed out.

Dream: Movement Manager

This was last night’s dream. I was with my sister and recall eating pizza (choice) stuffed with veggies. Then a woman arrived and announced we had both been given jobs because of our background as teachers. The woman was very excited and assured us we would not be disappointed. My sister was all for it but I was suspicious. Why would someone just give me a job?

She took us inside the place we would be working. It had the highest ceilings (spiritual perspective) I had ever seen and I mentioned it was high enough for a second floor. There were three desks in the center of the room and around it were other cubicles and workstations. It was obvious the ones in the center were the higher positions. Turns out the desks were ours and we were to be supervising everyone in the building. I also discovered we were to be working for Mazda but we weren’t selling cars we were managing the people who owned cars (life paths). Our main job was the answer the phones (communication). I remember thinking that would be a very boring job but then reconsidering because it would be “good money”.

Then we were being introduced to the others I felt very uncomfortable because I had no experience with management. My sister fit right in but I lingered in the back unsure of what was going on. The lady in charge began to call out names to announce us to the company. Mine was called but I did not go up front. My sister did and tried to get me to go but I wouldn’t. Turns out they replaced me thinking I was a no-show but the lady in charge found me and told me she got me back my position. I was told I would be making $29,000/year (adds up to 11 again). I remember telling her, “That is not as much as I thought. My family can’t move to Dallas on that kind of salary.”

I woke suddenly then and wondered about the dream. I heard, “Movement Manager” out of the blue. For some reason I was not happy at all when I  woke up.


In the last few days I have noticed some shifting in the energy and in myself. I’ve been feeling slightly anxious in the evenings. Nothing major but mostly I can’t get my mind to shut up. There is something I sense that I can’t quite put my finger on and it is unnerving.

Then I’ve also noticed that while I am going about my day and not particularly thinking of anything that there are conversations going on in the background of my mind. Yesterday this was happening a lot and I would catch myself mentally telling someone something that made no sense to this reality. Strange phrases and such that were out of place. I can’t recall them now but I briefly wondered if perhaps I was getting a glimpse of another reality/dimension – like I was dialed in. It annoyed me, though, because it made my normally quiet mind seem like a radio station.

Yesterday I was visited by a butterfly in the park. I took some photos and then afterward it landed on my left shoulder and stayed there for some time. Even after that it flew back toward me almost like it was drawn to me.

Puppy Time

This afternoon we are going to drive down south to take a look at five puppies and select the one who is to be the new addition to our family. It is a 2 hour drive, though, but hopefully it will be well worth it. The puppy will not be cheap – $500 – but I am prepared to pay for a breed I know will be good for my family. Since we are getting a miniature Australian Shepherd the cost is higher – they are in demand. Standards are about half the price. I believe I paid $225 for my Trooper way back in 2000.

You may wonder why we don’t just get a dog from the pound. Mostly it is because I want an Aussie. If we get a pound puppy (lol) then we don’t know what we will get. We roll the dice. I know the temperament of an Aussie and really don’t want to end up with a dog that will be hard to manage or have issues. My BIL just had such an experience with a puppy he got from the pound. Not saying that dogs in the pound are bad but I just don’t want to take a chance.

One of the things that is on my mind at night and causing anxiety is the new puppy. I keep having anxious thoughts – what if it gets sick and dies? What if we can’t afford the puppy? What if he runs away? …. What if’s like that. I also had a resurgence of grieving for Trooper. I feel like such a sap and am really hard on myself for my perceived “weakness”. It seems wrong for me to grieve so much for an animal when in comparison I hardly grieved at all when I lost my grandparents and father.

Anyway, we will see what happens. We may get there and I may dislike the sellers and the feeling there. Who knows. Here are the puppies we can choose from:


Lucid Dream within a Dream

I made sure not to ask for any clarification last night prior to sleep. lol Yet I still had an eventful night full of interesting conversations and symbolism.

Dream: New Shrink

Most of this dream was spent next to a shirtless, dark-haired and very handsome man. What more could a girl ask for? lol We were talking for most of the dream about a change that was needed with my “sessions”. Specifically, the word “shrink” was used which I find funny but I think it may have been meant to be funny because I was in a playful mood like I tend to be when I’m OOB. The best way to describe the way I am is mischievous and super loving and expressive. There is a kindness that pervades my personality as well, like I am unable to hurt anyone purposefully. I guess also “innocent” would be a good descriptor, too, as well as “wide open” and “happily vulnerable”. This personality is becoming more and more common in dreamtime and when I experience it I accept myself wholeheartedly without concern or worry that I may be taken advantage of.

Anyway, the conversation centered around me needing a new “shrink” (therapist = guide, counselor, adviser) and a replacement of the old one for reasons that now make no sense. All I recall of the reason now is that some level has been reached. I have brief flashes of a visual of the exchange but it is hard to recall. Ultimately, though, the new shrink was this man I was with who was explaining it all. Most of my memory here is of his bare chest which was quite muscular. I felt a magnetic attraction to him which was surprised me and I mentioned it to him the minute I felt it. I also embraced him and attempted to kiss him. He pulled away, reminding me he was “gay” lol and I was immediately apologetic saying, “I didn’t think a gay guy could be so attractive to me!” and then giggled. lol I don’t know if he was actually gay or if he was trying to remind me that his purpose was not to indulge me. Probably the latter.

I do recall that I asked if Chris would be leaving. I heard he would not and that this new shrink/guide served a different purpose. My guess is he is to help clear blockages. The bare chested man could have been Chris now that I think of it because when I saw him last he looked the similar, was bare chested (naked) and the magnetic attraction and friendship felt between us was the same.

Dream: Biting Fly

In this dream I was with my husband in a bedroom. I remember the room was unfamiliar, maybe a hotel room because the bed was white and the walls plain. There was also a large mirror (truth) over the bed (intimate/private area of life). It was dark in the room and I was preparing for bed. He left and returned and with him came this tiny fly (emotional or physical dirtiness, guilt, breakdown of plan)  that had a yellow and black pattern like a hornet. It kept buzzing around my face and interrupting me to the point that I can’t recall now what I was saying or planning to do. My husband told me to ignore it, that it wouldn’t bite me, but I was not so sure.

Eventually I left the room and went on an errand. I was driving through dark streets and came to an intersection (choices). There was a police officer directing traffic (must adhere to certain rules). I turned left and went onto a college (lessons) campus deciding to head back home because I was keenly aware that I had left my ID (personal identity) behind and was worried the officer knew.

Somehow I ended up with some college girls and then becoming the observer of an entire other dream. It is mostly lost to me now, jumbled up and hard to decipher. What I do recall is that I was observing something to do with me. The story line was that I had been sexually molested as a child but lost all memory of it because I was so young when it happened. There is briefly return to the discussion of “therapy” here.

The next thing I remember is talking to the dark-haired guide again and making a bowl of chicken noodle soup (cowardliness). Then I was looking for a pie (reward for my hard work) as I walked between a washer/dryer (need to resolve issues of past before new start) and being told I could not have any. lol

Lucid Dream within a Dream

Then I was laying down to go to sleep, got settled in and sat up and steped out of my sleeping body. I felt to be in the hotel-like bedroom and knew I was dreaming. I could not see so I turned on my astral vision by blinking and intending to see. My vision cleared immediately and appeared to be wiped clear by invisible windshield wipers.

It was dark in the room I was in but I could see a light in the distance. My first thought was to look for a message. I’m not sure why I thought I was going to receive a message but I went straight toward the bedroom where my husband was sleeping because it appeared white to me and in my mind I saw many white dry-erase boards. To me this meant a message would be there and I wanted to know what it said.

When I got inside the bedroom I saw the scene just as I had left it in the other dream. Full memory of the other dream came to me and I had no interest in pursuing the message. I received from my guidance a message of, “Go ahead already.” lol So I continued the dream. The biting fly was gone and I could see the sleeping body of a man, my husband, in the bed.

I went up to him and crawled under the covers with him putting my hands on him to try and arouse him. My intention was obviously sexual and he did not resist. What is odd here is that when I looked at his face it appeared to be covered in a bluish, see-through, gel mask and the face underneath shifted constantly making it hard to make out the features underneath. My recognition of him was as my ex-husband and also my current husband, like they were two people in one.

I’ll save you the details and just say that I had my way with him and then woke up from a shot of Kundalini energy. Surprised by the way I acted in my dreams I pushed it out of my mind and tried to return to sleep. In hindsight, I suspect my actions were the message. It reveals something about me; what I am seeking. Sex = power, fulfillment, need for love and passion in life.

Instead I entered the in-between where I continued to feel energy in various parts of my body. The sensation lulled me deeper and made it hard to stay conscious of what was going on. I believe this was intentional and that whatever work was being done needed to go unhindered.

What I recall of this time is discussion with my guide and knowing that a timeline had been shifted and there had been delays to the original plan.



When I woke up I was thinking of my past and how things have played out in this lifetime. There was with this a consideration of how the only thing that really matters in life is the people and relationships you hold dear.

Yesterday afternoon I had a moment of calm and clarity that came out of the blue. I felt very satisfied with my life and happy. So happy that I wanted to reach out to a friend via phone or email and just jabber away and play catch-up. The feeling I had was like I had an outstanding life win and needed to share it, but then I didn’t really have anything in particular to share. lol

Prior to this moment of clarity I had a thought and asked myself, “Looking back on your life, when were you most happy?” What came to mind was when I lived in the country and my dog Trooper was still alive. He was my running partner and I cherished our frequent runs together. He had so much energy and joy. He could run as far as I liked, often 4-6 miles at a time. If I was ever in a bad mood he would cheer me up. He could sense when I was sad and would come and snuggle. And whenever I came home he was always so overjoyed to see me.

With these memories came a question, “If you only had a little time left on Earth, what would you change about your life?” Of course, in thinking of my beloved friend/pet I knew that I would want another dog. Another friend to accompany me on runs and to bring joy to my life and my children’s lives. My daughter has been begging me for a dog almost daily and in that moment I knew I was ready to get another dog.

Afterward I decided I would look online for an Aussie puppy, maybe even the miniature version (they are up to 35lbs when normal Aussies are 55-60 lbs and sometimes more). If I don’t have much time left in this life I would like to experience the love of a pet again even if I have to watch them grow old and die. My children’s lives and my own will be fuller for it.

After this decision was when I realized all the things I withhold from myself. Times when I want to spontaneously pick up the phone and call someone who is special to me. I always stop myself and did so this time, too. Why? Because of fear. Fear they won’t want to talk to me, fear I will want too much to talk to them, fear the expectation will ruin it, fear that I will find out something I don’t want to know….just fear. Yet it is all the times I don’t call, that I don’t reach out, that in the end will be my biggest regrets. Even knowing this, I chose not to act. It didn’t feel right. I’m not sure it ever will feel right again but I was happy nonetheless because I knew I had the ability to choose at any moment to reach out and reconnect. And in knowing that I felt powerful because of my choice and the potential of it.

And I held onto that feeling, the calm and happiness it brought me, held it close to my heart.



Dream: Job Termination

Prior to bed I asked for clarification on the dream I mentioned in my last post, the one where I was in the check-out line and received the message, “Removal Order.” I asked my guidance to give me more clarity on it because it has been bothering me. A straight-forward explanation would be ideal. I felt immediate confirmation via an all-over-body surge of warm energy that spread around me like a hug. Honestly, though, I did not expect much from my request and these days that is the norm. Once I send out the request I usually forget about it right away, especially if it is prior to sleep because for some reason I fall asleep immediately after. lol The only reason I even remember I made the request this morning is that a dream triggered my memory.

Dream: Job Termination 

I was in dark, factory-like setting that was hard to make out. The colors are what stands out – various shades of gray brick and black shadows. There is a feeling of being on the balcony of a large building, though, similar to a warehouse, looking out over a city. I was with another person whose appearance and gender I cannot recall. I don’t remember when I was told but I received notice of my termination of employment as a teacher. My feeling was of shock at first especially as I heard that I would receive payment for a time after my job ended, the amount was $11/hour I believe.

The part that is most memorable is my question. I was asking about the other employees, would they also be receiving notice soon? I was told that they would but it would not be in advance like mine. They would be told of their termination on their last day and be asked to leave. Some may get a few days advanced notice but most would not. In my mind I saw these employees. They looked like security officers. I got upset and became concerned with their well-being, questioning why they would be treated so. I remember a male voice telling me, “Be grateful you are getting advanced notice.”

I recall standing there for a while letting the information sink in. It felt a bit overwhelming for some reason and I began to become lucid as I realized what was being discussed. I began to sob and woke up.

When I awoke my first thought was memory of my request prior to bed. The emotion I felt stemmed from a feeling of uncertainty and endings. Was this my answer? Was I being told that I would be leaving my “current position”? If so, then what does that even mean? I don’t even have a job right now other than stay-at-home-mom. Does it mean I lose that job? Or is it something more….like am I being removed from the position I have in this lifetime? And severance pay? Huh? Pay = reward for hard work and this pay is $11. There’s that number again.

Trying not to think about it too much, I drifted back to sleep.

Dream: Haunting Myself

I was lying in bed and woke suddenly. To my left I saw a swivel chair. The chair began to spin very fast. It got faster and faster to the point that it looked like a blur. In seeing the chair spinning I became terrified and started screaming, “No! No!” To my right I sensed the energy of several people but I could not see them. They began to close in around me and my panic increased. I heard someone say, “You are doing this. It is all you.” The voice did not make me feel any better but a part of me knew that there was nothing to fear. I ignored that part, though, choosing instead to resist.

It felt like the people around me were coming to take me away. There was no negative energy coming from them or the spinning chair but I felt wild with panic for some reason. I began to speak in another language trying to ward them off. It was like an incantation or something that was said to keep out negative entities. It didn’t work, though. The chair kept spinning wildly and the invisible presences came closer and closer. I was surrounded and my last memory is of the energies looking blurry white and me freaking out to the point that I woke up, heart racing and scared to move.

Even after I awoke I felt still to be in the dream. The room was spinning a bit and my heart was racing still. I laid there frozen for a while waiting for my heart to slow down and for my fear to abate. I remember perceiving my physical bedroom as the one in the dream and so it took a while to get my bearings and see it accurately. I wondered briefly why I would have such a nightmare. I don’t have nightmares, or at least haven’t in a very long time. As I type this I suspect I was trying to wake up in my dream and since I didn’t listen and chose to be afraid I muddled the attempt.

Other Dreams

The rest of the early morning (I first woke at 4am) is a mixture of dreams and in-between moments as I tossed and turned trying to recover lost sleep.

In one dream I recall being a man and fiddling with my penis (lol) which felt very real and so was fascinating to me being I am a woman in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I have had other similar dreams in the past and always love the experience. I suspect it represents my masculine side in some way. Dream symbolism suggests it means power and sexual energy.

In another dream I saw a large egg that had hatched. Next to it was a full-grown dragon (strong-will and fiery personality) but I only saw it’s head. It was dead, though. The dragon head was dark gray with bright yellow-orange highlights and was very beautiful. I felt sadness over it’s demise.

Then there are shadows of memories of talking to someone about making plans. I remember thinking that all the plans that were in the works would not matter. It felt like I needed to prepare for a trip, to tie up loose ends. There is also vague memory of switching places with someone but it is very hard to remember and the more I try, the more the memory recedes into my subconscious.

There was an entire vision-dream of my husband telling me about some property. It felt like my mom’s but I am unsure. The feeling was that he had gone his own way and was asking my permission to continue with his plans for the property. As he told me these things it felt like a wall of invisible energy was constructed between us. He was on one side and unreachable. He was standing in my mom’s living room and behind him I could see scenes flashing, like from a movie reel. There was a feeling of time passing, moving forward very fast. The feeling I had when receiving this information was grief and not having control over what was going on because I would not be present on his side of the invisible wall between us.

Finally, as I woke, a piece of the dream about losing my job came suddenly to my memory. There was a calendar and on it two days were circled. The first was a bright red 2 and the second date was a bright red 8. The 2 looked to be toward the end of the week, like a Friday. The 8 looked to be earlier in the week like a Wednesday. I knew this was the “termination period”. Turns out November 2nd is a Thursday and November 8th is a Wednesday, just like what I saw on the calendar in my dream.


I feel normal this morning except for feeling a bit tired still. My immediate feeling is that the dreams and visions I had were to prepare me for something to come. Perhaps there is something going on between November 2-8th that is significant for me (maybe others as well)? One of the things that crossed my mind during one of my brief waking moments between dreams/visions was that I was about to “die”. Again, this is likely just the death of some aspect but who knows. I am ready for this “death” regardless of the kind that it turns out to be, so I am not at all concerned about it.

The fear dream is a total surprise to me. I have no idea why I had that dream nor do I know why I was so afraid. Perhaps the people coming to “get me” reminded me of some past life and so I acted on the memory? It did feel like I was about to be “taken” and from a place where I felt safe (my bedroom). Symbolically this could indicate that something is about to happen in my life that takes me from my comfort zone against my will, but who knows.

Regardless, I am thinking it may be best to stop asking for clarification. lol

P.S. You may be wondering why I am posting more. I created a poll on my FB page asking people to tell me their blog preference – WP or Blogger. WP won so I am trying to slowly transition back to WP.





More Sadness and Messages: Progress and Removal Order

Since my post on my last Kundalini experience I have been emotional again. It’s not all the time and mostly I have no clue from where the emotion originates. There was a bout of emotion prior to the Kundalini dream but it was nothing compared to the emotion since. I assume this crying is the result of clearing blockages, maybe in my “forest green” heart chakra, but I am long past caring now.

As has been the usual, the emotion usually hits me when I am alone. Sometimes there are thoughts that precede it but lately there has been nothing to indicate the source. In fact, one time, after a nice cry, when I attempted to figure out the “why” I actually gave up almost immediately. My thoughts were, “Maybe there is no ‘why’? Maybe it just ‘is’ and none of it is mine. None of it.”

I use to think that in acknowledging the pain/emotion that it would lead to a full release of it. This has proved inaccurate in every way and has only complicated the process by tangling up my Ego in it. This isn’t Ego. That isn’t the source and it is obvious. This isn’t from something that has been done to me or that I have done to another. This isn’t a result. It is a process, a clearing, a moving along the correct path of the energy of Me. My trying to identify with the emotion that is coming up is not going to help nor speed up this process. The emotion is a side-effect and that is all. It is the direct result of imbalance in this system, this physical and energetic body being out of alignment and working hard to get back in balance.

Lately I have been having what I can only call “memories” that liken this experience to a class assignment that I am not enjoying completing for various reasons. It comes with a feeling of “I’m almost done” and an encouragement from within that says, “Don’t give up now. You’re almost there.” The sensation with these “memories” is of being in an alternate reality, like the assignment consists of stepping into this reality for a moment, learning and the stepping back to reassess. It is so real that it often makes this entire physical reality feel like a dream and the other one feel like the real deal. You can imagine how discombobulated it makes me feel. Thankfully I am usually at home and relaxed and so do not end up freaking out from it. It just IS and I accept it.

It is no coincidence that these reality checks came about while I was watching various television series that seemed aligned with my experience in some way. For example, I watched all of Westworld followed by a movie called Otherlife. I watched Awake (really good btw) in amidst the above two and most recently a movie called Never Let Me Go. I am now into season 2 of Stranger Things. All of these movies/series I highly recommend. Can’t wait for the next season of The OA to come out! Just so happens The OA and Awake feature the same actor. 🙂

I was brought to tears in all but the last one for different reasons but usually the emotion was not at all linked to what I was watching. If you have seen any of the above movies/series then you may see a pattern. They all have to do with living in or being aware of two realities at the same time and the struggles therein. This theme parallels one of my own life themes: how to function within one reality while simultaneously being aware of and drawn to another reality others do not acknowledge or believe exists.

I have come to identify the source of my emotional upheaval as homesickness/heartsickness that comes with Memory of this other reality. This is the only thing that feels right. I miss that other reality and the fullness of Self that exists only there (or seems to anyway).

Another interesting realization I had recently is that during the periods when I am having these bouts of emotion my mundane life seems to explode in activity. This busyness is a great distraction and seems to shift me into my “other” self so well that I feel almost normal and the memory of home so far distant that it seems like the dream. I go for what seems like months of normality only to be thrust against my will back into memory. It really is only a week or two, sometimes days that pass before this happens yet it feels like months. Timeline blips? Who knows.


Then there are the dreams. So weird. Last night I had quite a few indicating just how homesick I am.

In one dream I was with an older man who reminded me of my friend David. He and I were discussing something and then standing outside a very old looking mansion reminiscent of an old castle or manor. There was a large sign atop it that said, “PROGRESS” and then below the sign it said, “Home for Women and Mothers.” When I saw it I wrote it down and repeated it word-for-word several times. Then I woke up almost immediately the words still going through my head while seeing the number “9” and knew it was a message that progress is being made.

In yet another dream I was standing in a check-out line at a grocery store. People kept cutting in front of me because they had special reason. For example, one man cut in front of me because he had a receipt in his hand. He told me, “If you place your order ahead of time you get to go first in line.” I was not pleased and felt very impatient. Then the entire store went dark and the check-out ladies told us it was a mandatory 30 second break. The conveyor belts stopped and all movement ceased. I stood there even more impatiently and complained that I would never get out of there. The dream ended with the lights coming on but no one moving or making progress.

When I woke up I shifted into the in-between. I saw the conveyor belt full of groceries. Someone came and cleared it off and placed a piece of paper in front of me. It said, “Removal Order.” I knew it was a message that my removal order had been placed. This woke me up.

In another dream I was inside a bathroom printing off a worksheet. I recall printing two and then on the third try the worksheet printed wrong. It printed on the back of the two other worksheets a large symbol that was very beautiful. I remember then standing in the bathroom and staring at the wall. I visualized my other half coming toward me and kissing me on the cheek. I became very homesick and sad.

Similarly, in yet another dream I was in a living room feeling exhausted and unmotivated. I laid down on a sofa and completely surrendered myself to a man who was with me. He sat down next to me and caressed my hair. I felt such love and friendship from him but instead of it making me happy it made me cry.

When I woke for the final time this morning my eyes were wet from crying. I told my guide that it wasn’t fair and asked why I would be allowed to Remember so much, to Remember what I left behind to be here? All that has resulted is this sadness that never goes away and now I can never go back to how it was before. The Memory is my curse. I am tired of pretending, tired of play acting, tired of this assignment.


The Other Kind of Kundalini

I’m going to write about a Kundalini experience that I normally keep to myself. Why? Well, at first I thought I just didn’t want it to be misinterpreted but now I know it is because of my own discomfort with these particular experiences.

Kundalini Dream Experience

I was in a darkened hallway of a large high school that resembled a mall more than a school. My classroom had floor-to-ceiling windows and a typical store entry like one would find in a retail shop. When I entered, the room was empty and there was a laptop computer on my desk. Two female students entered and I greeted them. One was a beautiful African American girl who wanted me to help her with her shoes. She told me they did not fit well. I inspected two different pair – a dress shoe with a small bow on the tip and a pair of loafers. I recall her saying she was a 6.5 but that the shoes were too small. I selected the dress shoe and told her I thought she should wear them and not the “penny loafers” but corrected myself and said hers were not penny loafers. I explained the difference seeming to relish in a memory of my own pair of penny loafers from my childhood.

I told the girls I had to prepare for class and excused myself. Turning to my computer I tried to enter the password but totally forgot the password. I ended up hearing an inner voice ask me who was someone close to me. I cannot recall now what name I entered but the password worked.

That is when a male teacher entered and began talking to me. He seemed a bit aloof, mysterious and quiet. He took a piece of paper and scribbled on it, handing it to me when he was finished. It turned out to be a beautiful work of art, something amazing for the short time it took for him to draw it. I complemented him and asked him if he ever thought of being an author. He said he hadn’t and then showed me another of his drawings. Similarly fantastic, I was in awe of his talent and stared at it for quite a while. This drawing reminded me of a scene out of the movie What Dreams May Come.

This is when the dream gets more lucid. I am not sure what happened but I think now I must have been pulled into the drawing because I was following a naked woman up a very steep, grassy hill. She disappeared over the top and I struggled to climb up. I remember grabbing onto the edge of the top of the hill and hanging there until I was able to pull myself up on top.

On top of the hill I saw the woman entangled in the arms of the male teacher amidst hills of grass. The scene was reminiscent of some fairy fantasy world with tall, weeping willows and a ray of sunlight illuminating the couple. They were obviously in the midst of love making so I kept my distance. The strange thing here is that both of them seemed to merge and then morph into something else. What I recall seeing is a very large, elephant-man but with many appendages that all looked like trunks. This elephant man’s skin was flesh colored and pink with many wrinkles, very much like an albino elephant might look.

The “trunks” reached toward me and one made contact and entered me. I experienced it like intercourse except that it was unlike any sexual encounter I’ve had.  The trunk seemed to move all the way through me, igniting in me a passion that I could not resist.

I tried to disconnect from this massive trunk and get away but the trunk just stretched and extended like some kind of tentacle. In my memory I have the sensation of becoming one with the tentacle-like appendage as an explosion of energy surged up through my center.

All I recall of the rest of the experience is a very pleasurable orgasm that transferred to my physical body causing the dream scene to dematerialize very quickly. It woke me up and as I lay in bed, stunned by what had just happened, the energy lingered and my heart and head began to swirl in a counterclockwise direction. The only way to describe the feelings in my heart and head is to say that they orgasmed while swirling with vivid color. The color most memorable was the bright white that consumed my entire head. Yet I didn’t see the color with physical sight. Instead I felt it and it impressed upon me the color of white.

Still very tired and wanting to sleep, I drifted into the in-between where someone was talking to me and I felt very drunk. Every once in a while I would be awakened by vivid images along with chunks of information. One time I saw large bowls. The largest was bright red. It was the size of a very large mixing bowl but made of some kind of pottery. I could see within the bowl concentric circles that originated from the center and expanded outward in larger and larger rings. Inside of the red bowl was a forest green bowl just a tad smaller in diameter. Inside of the green bowl was a still smaller white bowl that seemed to glow in comparison to the other two. The white bowl then separated from the other two and seemed to be held up for my inspection.  Then I awoke because I recognized the green bowl should not be so dark in color.

Another vision I had was of pairs of numbers stacked one on top of the other. There was someone whispering the top number to me and I repeated it saying, “O – 9”. I recognized the “O” was in fact a “0” and this woke me up as I saw in my mind very vividly “09”. As I woke from this I remember thinking of the 9th chakra.

Along with the visuals I heard part of a song over and over in my mind – “I’m ready for this, there’s no denying. I’m ready for this, you stop me falling….” With the song I heard, “You will fall” in a masculine voice. It was a direct message and one I’ve heard before so it woke me instantly. I could not return to my reverie after that. The song is still prominent in mind.


I recognized after waking fully that the “elephant man” in my dream was not coincidental. I am familiar with the Gods of Hinduism and so knew there was a God who looked like an elephant man, though I was unsure of the name or what he ruled. So, of course, I Googled it first thing.

Ganesh or Ganesha is his name. According to this article, Ganesha is “considered in the Hindu religion to be remover of obstacles, patron of the arts and sciences, and the master of intellect and wisdom”.

“According to Kundalini yoga, Ganesha resides within the first (Root) chakra, and embodies the energy of transformation required to initiate change, transformation, and the overcoming of obstacles or pending issues. A great way to inspire yourself to push through a difficult flow or daily task, this root energy from the Muladhara (root chakra) helps us move through the remaining chakras with ease and easily access our intuition, making Ganesha a vital element in the path to self-discovery and enlightenment.”

I found many fascinating articles about Lord Ganesha and his symbolic meaning. I especially enjoyed reading his story and the symbolism of the elephant head:

Shiva restoring life to Ganesha, and replacing his head with an elephant’s, means that before we can leave the body, the Lord first replaces our small ego with a “big”, or universal ego. This doesn’t mean that we become more egoistic. On the contrary, we no longer identify with the limited individual self, but rather with the large universal Self. In this way, our life is renewed, becoming one that can truly benefit Creation. It is however only a functional ego, like the one Krishna and Buddha kept. It is like a thin string tying the liberated Consciousness to our world, solely for our benefit.

It always fascinates me how my Kundalini dreams and the messages contained within them relate directly to Hinduism and have from the beginning. One would think that I would become obsessed with learning all I can about the religion, but I’m not. I have very little interest in learning any more than what my dreams and experiences guide me to. I think this is because I don’t need to know all that information, I just need to know what relates to me and my experience as it gives me an idea of where I am on my journey.

As for the sensation of the orgasming heart and head, there are no words to accurately describe it nor would I say that it is something I am drawn to experience again. It was just a new experience and one I assume is part of my process. The colors, too, are very memorable, more even than the “orgasm” sensation and that says a lot.

Of course I had to look up the 9th chakra again and re-familiarize myself with it. This article is very informative as is this one. I did not recall the color of it but I was not surprised to discover that it is….yep…white.

Lunar chakra — (9th) — Located just above the (7th) sahasrara chakra or crown chakra. — Silver or white — The ninth chakra links you to the energies of the moon. It is the main hub for karmic understanding and channeling that governs intelligence, communication with spirit guides, and funnels information about incarnations.

Another sync with the dream is that the 9th chakra is associated with three blueprints of the human soul: Creator, Healer and Teacher. In this lifetime Teacher has been my main theme and in my dream I am also a Teacher, as is the strange and aloof man who creates the beautiful drawings.

The dark green of the heart chakra indicates some clearing is still needed, otherwise it would be a vivid green, or at least that is my interpretation of it.

The message, “You will fall” alarms me somewhat. If I recall correctly the last time I heard it there was a significant and painful lesson learned. I interpret it to mean “fall in love” but I could be wrong. When I heard it this morning I rejected the message and said, “No, I don’t want to. Not again.”

The Reason for my Silence

Finally, the reason I have been hesitant to share these kinds of Kundalini experiences are because they are so sexual in nature. They are more common, however, than the other kinds of Kundalini I experience. I probably have three times more sexual experiences – meaning my physical body orgasms – than spiritual Kundalini experiences. For example, the last time I blogged about the Kundalini I had three such incidents in a row prior to the one I wrote about and it is not uncommon for me to have multiple physical experiences in a night (or sometimes even the day, though rarer).

In the beginning these physical orgasms were similar to any other; however, in the past year or so they have morphed into something quite different altogether. I have never experienced an orgasm with a partner that even comes close which is probably a good thing. I’m not sure I could handle it. lol

My guess is that these very physical experiences are meant as lessons and are preparing me for something to come. When I woke from this experience my first thought was that I “should have known better than to focus on the sensation of orgasm”. I believe that my lesson is to become so use to it, so “bored” with it, that I am unaffected. There is an inner Knowing that if I can ignore it and be unaffected by the vast pleasure (which is SUPER difficult to do!!!) then something far greater awaits me on the other side.

The key, I have learned, is to be the observer, which means not having any attachment to or expectation of an outcome. My human conditioning has me expecting the sexual sensations of a physical orgasm because that is what I am most familiar with. It is also very hard to not attach to the feeling but I believe I am making progress there. At least now I am not “pining” for the experience, nor would I say I feel “addicted” to it anymore. This is a BIG step in and of itself.

There is also no physical counterpart associated with it, which helps immensely. When you get another individual mixed into the lot then it creates all kinds of conflict and only makes it harder to resist the lure of the Kundalini. I now understand why I was told by my guidance early on that I can only have physical Union with another once I have mastered it on my own (wholeness). From my experiences thus far I can at least now say that I am grateful for the way things have turned out thus far. To attempt physical Union would have been disastrous.


From Ecstasy to Tears

It seems the Kundalini is not letting up. I had another visit last night. She seems to be more intense with each visit and I ever more enchanted by her. I anticipated her this time, though.

I can’t recall the specifics of the dream I was having when she visited. There is a vague memory of circling a room and of circles in general. Even I seemed to be a circle with no beginning or end, just a continuous loop of energy.

My lucidity was peaked when my root chakra began to expand with a pleasurable energy. It moved upward and each of my other chakras expanded in a similar fashion. The energy would pulsate, rising and falling, each rise bringing more lucidity and more ecstasy. At the time I remember I had a male partner but only recall that he also was circular and seemed to curl around my own energy. My memory now only gives me a golden and white glow of our combined energies, a few flashes of his face and the sensation of kissing.

The energy rose to my heart chakra this time, waking me up prematurely. It has been so long since my heart has activated like this that it triggered too much lucidity. When I woke the Kundalini did not stop but continued her enchantment of me. I did not resist nor would I expect anyone in a similar situation would for the experience is beyond extraordinary. Whenever I feel it I think, “How can anyone survive this?” Yet every time I do survive.

I happened to check the clock – 1:30am. Over the next hour the Kundalini raged.  My lower chakras were all exploding with a pleasurable energy and my heart was super expanded, surging upward into my throat to the point of sending shooting pain into my left ear for a few seconds. No matter how I moved my body (yes I could move) she raged and did not stop even when I began to try to sleep.

Interestingly, there was communication during this time from my guide, Chris. It was more that I had sudden Knowing and he would confirm, though. I knew the warning I had not long ago about October – that I would “die” this month – was about the Kundalini. I had no doubt. The Kundalini feels so different, so much more comfortable now, that I can’t help but think something big is on the horizon. Even as I had these thoughts she raged and I, despite experiencing her amazing power, was able to think and communicate without being completely overcome. It’s like I’m getting use to her, something I didn’t think was possible.

Two songs came to my mind as well. The first was one that has already come about – “I know I can treat you better than he can”. However, there was another line from a song after – “By the time we are through the world will never ever be the same….”

Dreams and Tears

Somehow I was able to fall to sleep. I recall drifting in and out of sleep for a while because the Kundalini from my heart chakra would pull me out of sleep, burning pleasurably in my chest. There is nothing like the heart bliss. I love it so!

The first dream I had was located on a craft of some sort, either that or a train because I was inside a very narrow, white, metallic room with a bed. My “husband” was with me. We had just been married. He wanted me to do something with crystals and showed me a small, heart-shaped one, I believe it was amethyst. He wanted me to place it on my root chakra and do a ceremony with him.

I agreed and we went into a room where we sat down to do the ceremony. He positioned the crystal but I had no reaction to it. I told him it was likely I needed a different one and suggested Carnelian. Then others began to come into the space and sit in a circle with us. Someone brought in salt and poured it around the outer edge and then everyone began to chant a prayer and mudra in ancient Sanskrit. I was caught off guard, and sat there bewildered as more people, mostly women, joined and expanded the circle.

Then an older man who I knew was called Orin, came into the circle carrying a fish bowl with three goldfish (an important emotional matter) in it. I said to him that he was the only other Orin I had ever known besides my own son. He ignored me and asked me, “What do you think would happen to this fishe’s eyes if I squeezed them?” He did this as he asked. I watched as the fish exploded. The evil intent from him came at me like a forceful wind. My reaction was to take the bowl from him and leave the room. I said to him, “How can you be so cruel?” Then I burst into tears. The feeling I had was that the fish in the bowl represented my children and that this man intended them harm and would do so without a thought. To think he could do something like that was incomprehensible to me.

I woke up crying and the feeling in my chest remained. It was like my heart was being gouged out. The tears lasted for a while and the Kundalini energy was gone. It was 4:30am.

I returned to sleep and fell into another dream. I had just moved into an apartment (financial or emotional state) with my new husband. Unfortunately he changed his mind about being with me and at the last minute left me alone in a brand new apartment without a job or money or anything. I was beside myself with worry about how I would manage. A stranger then appeared at my doorstep with his young daughter and told me he was to be my roommate. I let him in and he took a bedroom. He was older than me, with dark hair and seemed to be of another ethnicity, perhaps Indian. He was very kind, though, and I felt reassured with him there.

I was completely alone and super depressed. The man was friendly and compassionate and I grew to trust him as a friend. I recall laying with my head on his shoulder in his bed and feeling comforted. I also remember becoming hopeful of my future despite being all alone.

I woke from this dream feeling confused. The night began with Kundalini ecstasy and then quickly turned into a night of tears. Was this the Kundalini doing it’s work, clearing away blockages? It appears my upsets are still clearing. I fear being abandoned and left all alone. I also have issue with how heartless mankind can be.