Anxiety Issues

Another reprieve this morning. No tears. However, yesterday I had a sudden, low blood sugar induced panic attack at the gym. I nearly passed out in the midst of exercising! It was super scary, more than the other times. After this incident I had a headache and felt off for a good three hours.

In considering these scary events I’ve concluded that it is the gym environment that is to blame. I exercise with the same or greater intensity at home and have not once – ever – experienced what happens to me at the gym. In fact, I have exercised with even less food in my system and not had any issue. Yet for some reason at the gym I suffer these “attacks”. What exactly it is about the gym is hard to say. Likely it is the energy of other people combined with the drive home that contributes. My mind goes into “what if” mode inducing the panic and from there it snowballs. Yesterday my thoughts preceding the incident were, “I haven’t eaten enough today. I should have stayed home.” Followed by memories of previous incidents and worries over passing out in a public place. Within a minute of these thoughts my heart rate skyrocketed and I began to lose my vision. So it wasn’t the low blood sugar in and of itself that was the cause.

Anxiety/panic is not a normal for me, but at one point in my spiritual journey I suffered from panic attacks quite frequently. In the early stages, right after I began meditating consistently, I sometimes had panic attacks while meditating and would often wake up with them. These were so bad I literally thought I was dying from a heart attack – chest pains, shortness of breath, pounding heart – the works. Later, from 2011-2013, when I was suffering from major insomnia, I would have panic attacks while driving home from work. Those are super scary! Yesterday, after making it home, the panic remained for a couple of hours and I experienced a similar anxiety to an episode in 2012 where it felt like I was leaving my body via my crown. It is not a typical fainting feeling but more like being sucked upward with such velocity that it terrifies me. I really, really hate it.

Yesterday left me feeling very shaky and concerned. So, I think I will be avoiding the gym for a while, maybe permanently. 😦

Dreams

You would think after such a busy afternoon that I would be exhausted come evening. Well, I was, but I slept super light and woke frequently. I have been awake since 5am. Throughout the night I had vivid dreams.

I spent most of the night traveling by airplane (rising to a new level). In one instance I was in line to buy a ticket (new start) to South America (resolution of conflict). I was with a group discussing my options. They wanted me to join them but I was hesitant. I didn’t want to leave my children, specifically my middle child and oldest son. What is funny is that I swear we were in India. This dream lasted the entire first part of the night and left me feeling split between my spiritual family and my Earth family.

In the next dream I was actually in an airplane traveling home. I decided mid-flight that I wanted to go to a Disney (seeking happiness) theme park and was looking up the locations across the world. I found one in Wisconsin of all places. On a whim I decided to visit. I arrived almost as soon as I made the decision. This “Disney” was not a theme park but more of an aquarium exhibiting sea life. I recall picking up a toy sea turtle (emotionally reserved) while there.

On my way home I realized I lost my debit card (careless, concerned about security) and went into a panic. I had to buy another ticket and recall calming down when I realized I had a credit card and cash. Yet the anxiety “woke” me up and I spent what seemed like hours in the in-between trying to figure out where my debit card was. lol

I entered yet another dream where I was a child (inner child) in a library (seeking knowledge). I recall seeing myself wearing a skirt hiked up enough to reveal my underwear (femininity). Then I was on the floor using a piece of chalk to write a message to myself. I can’t recall the whole message but it said something about a meeting on Thursday. I had thought it was Tuesday but changed it last minute. Later, I erased it to not get in trouble by the librarian but a little girl came by and said, “So you are meeting on Tuesday?” I said, “No, Thursday the 18th.”

Then I was in a bedroom sitting at a double desk. On the left I saw a dying beetle (end of destructive influences) on its back, legs still twitching. I told my sister that since it was on her side of the desk that she had to dispose of its body. I was told by a guide later that it was upsetting to her to have to kill it and I saw her flushing it down the toilet.

When I finally awoke the message about the meeting came to mind suddenly. I thought, “Today is Thursday the 18th.” Yet I recall that the dream was referring to next week because I remember seeing it on the calendar. I also know that Tuesday is accurate and in checking the date it coincides with the message about the 23rd I received recently. As I mulled this over I received a vivid vision that shocked me into full wakefulness. My Companion presented me with a brilliantly colored hot air balloon (elevation, rising above depression) whose basket was filled to the brim with brightly colored balls (wholeness).

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

It appears that next week will be an eventful one for me.

Waterlogged

Grateful to my guidance for allowing me a full day’s reprieve from the emotional waterfall I’ve been experiencing this month. May is really kicking my butt! I was told we entered another section of the Equinox Portal on May 15th. My daughter’s birthday no less! How fitting! This section will go until the 24th when we will enter the third and final section of the month of May.

I am told the current section is all about learning to “BE”. When I request more info I get an image of a great waterfall – picture Niagara Falls. We are standing at the top and must get to the bottom. The only way down is to jump into the raging water. What happens when one finds themselves caught up in the rapids? They allow the water to take them. That’s what it means to “Be” this time. We don’t do anything really but hang on until its over. Reacting, struggling, attempting to swim amidst the rapids will only force us further under the water. We have to be rag dolls; limp, motionless, unresponsive.

For me at least the waterfall image is fitting. I was forewarned of such a period months ago in a vivid dream. I saw the waterfall but stopped at the top and took a break. Now it seems I am in the midst of it struggling not to be overtaken by it. What happens when we get to the bottom? Rest, I hope. I could use a break. The word that comes to mind, though, is “waterlogged”.

Dreams 

My dreams are becoming more and more memorable the further into May we get. I bring back with me an entire night’s worth most mornings. This morning I woke in tears again but the dream and what was being processes made sense when in the past the dreams did not match the emotion that surfaces.

In this particular dream I was working with a few others acting as their counselor. Everyone looked human but there was a group that were obviously not human. They were referred to as “robots” on more than one occasion. The reason for this name was that they had no social skills, no ability to read the facial expressions of another, to read emotion or to perceive the intent of others. Additionally, they seemed to have no emotion of their own, caring not how their actions affected others.

My own emotion surfaced when I worked with a couple. Neither were robots yet in their hundreds of years together (obviously through various incarnations) they had developed a pattern of repressed emotion. I was working with the feminine energy helping her to contact the emotion she had somehow buried in order to protect herself. I observed their interaction and saw the source and interjected, asking the woman questions to make her inspect the pattern she was repeating. When she did this she began to cry because what was ultimately contacted was love for her partner. Hundreds of years of repression broke the dam in her heart causing the love to hit her like a flood, overwhelming her and literally knocking her to her knees.

When she cried, I cried. And as I woke I understood that the woman was me. That she represented the current feminine energy and the repression of hundreds – thousands – of years of emotion. I saw clearly how the hardening of the feminine heart affected the masculine. It is as if a wall of disconnection and lack has been built between them.

The Dam Has Been Broken

This time the tears did not last long as I understood the source and the reason for all the emotion I have been experiencing. My heart has been blasted so wide open that, despite my trying, I have been unable to close it. In my upset at recognizing this I begged my guidance to shut it down again and was told, “It’s too late” and reminded of when they told me there was no turning back. The result of this openness is the flood of emotion I am experiencing. The dam has been broken and I can’t put it back.

I know I need to be the Observer in this, but this intensity of emotion is so much that I am flattened by it almost immediately. There is no way to just observe this emotion. I have to experience it, confront it, transmute it. It is not just one emotion, either, but a amalgamation of emotion. It would be easier if it were just one emotion at a time, but nope, I get a cocktail of them all. This must be why I keep getting references to drinking and being drunk. Ha!

What is interesting to me is that the feeling of this amalgamation of emotion is very much like the feeling of Divine Love I felt when my heart was first blasted open. It has the same flavor, the same intensely beautiful and simultaneously terrifying quality about it. Perhaps I am getting a crash course on Divine Love? Perhaps this love not at all what I thought it to be?

I am also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I can survive this. I will survive it. When I plead for mercy, I receive it. This is no punishment, it is merely a process I need to go through. I am fully supported and loved and when I pull myself out of panic mode I feel the love and support.

And in these brief interludes I feel a peculiar feeling that is hard to describe. It is akin to peace but that isn’t the word because I have felt peace and this is different. The feeling is balanced but with it there is surreal almost drugged feeling that comes over me. If I focus on the feeling it seems that I am not even in this reality at all but teetering between realities; walking a tight rope. On one side is this physical reality and my identification with it and on the other is nothingness – a place where I have no identity but am One with Source. If I touch the nothingness I become nothing. I lose my individuality and my memories of this life seem to shatter. The nothingness side of the tightrope is so disorienting that I feel if I fall into it I will never return.

 

 

 

 

 

 

OBE: Meeting the Marlboro Man

Feeling somewhat more myself today after two days of emotional purging. The feeling didn’t level out until yesterday afternoon. I’m sure there’s an astrological explanation but I’ve not searched for one. I’m just happy to feel more balanced.

Prior to bed, feeling a bit worse for wear, I requested a reprieve. I said, “A lucid dream or OBE would be nice, please.” Anything’s better than waking up crying IMO. I heard from my Companion, “I will come to you.” I told him, “That’s what you said last night and you were a no-show. I don’t believe you.” I don’t know if he showed up, actually, I forgot most of my dreams upon waking, but he can affect that and he knows it. He repeated that I would be seeing him. I said, “We’ll see.”

Dream: Christmas Wedding

This dream took up most of the night and even after I woke at 5am it continued once I fell asleep. I’m not going to go into too much detail but will share the important points.

I was in a church (seeking guidance) most of the dream alongside a group of family who I didn’t recognize but accepted. We were discussing my upcoming wedding (transitions) and the details of it. Thing is, I had not planned in advance and was down to three weeks before the date was set.  I had not picked out my dress, the bridesmaid’s dresses or even ordered the invitations. Yet I was meeting with everyone discussing and practicing the ceremony. I recall most vividly the woman who I was speaking with and the priest (guidance) who seemed to be the one in charge.

The part that most stands out to me is looking at a calendar and choosing the date of the ceremony. I said, “Why don’t we make it on Friday?” I pointed to it on the calendar and someone said, “The 17th? That sounds good.” Yet in 2017 the 17th falls on a Sunday. I became somewhat lucid, remembering I was already married and it confused me. There was discussion about eloping and avoiding all the planning and guests.

I woke up then and was upset mostly because the dream seemed to indicate to me that the Union of masculine and feminine that I had been told to expect this summer would be in December. This is in fact the second dream indicating December, 2017, is significant. It did not make me happy to know I had six more months to wait. I prefer the three weeks like in the dream!

The second half of the dream I took it over and so it was about my current marriage (entering new phase) and vow renewal became the topic and the date shifted to April 21st which is the day we met 10 years ago.

virus

OBE: Computer Virus

I woke briefly, still in a sour mood over the dreams, and requested to go OOB. The next thing I recall is sitting at a desk in a darkened room. In front of me was a computer screen. Around me were many other people, most in the shadows. I knew I was dreaming and took control almost immediately. My computer screen flickered and adware popped up, freezing the screen. It was some kind of virus (feeling out of control). I had to shut down the computer. I then turned to the man sitting next to me, warning him about the virus. I recognized him as an ex-classmate. He had a laptop and it also had the adware on it but the game was playing and locked his keyboard. I told him to shut it down (resolve the problem), which he did, and we talked a bit. The only thing I remember saying is that my desktop was 10 years old and was faster than his laptop. lol

I looked around and saw the room was full of people. I felt very cheerful and curious and went up to people, tapping them to get them to turn around so I could see them. Eventually I came to a woman who I thought I recognized. I asked her, “Are you related to the Skero family?” She thought on it and said she might be. I told her I had a classmate named Michelle. We talked a while and I was sure I knew her. Since the woman was at the computer I turned and saw the same adware on the screen. The image began to flicker and my last memories are of feeling sucked up into the screen. I must have stared at it too long.

OBE: Meeting Linda

I briefly felt a shift back to my body and within moments shifted back OOB. I was back in the darkened computer room next to the woman who I felt so familiar with. I ventured out of the room and found myself standing in my mother’s living/kitchen area. The lights were on and golden and the room was full of children (looking to satisfy hopes/desires) of all ages playing and seeming to be having a party. A group was gathered by the front door in front of a large T.V. and another group was to my right. It was noisy but the ambiance was golden and full of laughter. I could see some adults to my left observing the scene. I believe there were three and though they were older they appeared to be in their teens or twenties.

My friend was standing to my right and I turned to her. We both seemed very short for some reason. I could see her brown hair and her face. She was smiling and at ease. I turned to her and in fully recognizing her as one of my guides I hugged her and said, “I remember your name now. Melinda. It’s Melinda.” With a short laugh she said, “Yes. Me-Linda but I go by Linda.” I briefly remembered other encounters with her, other OBEs and experiences in this body where she had been present. It was a surreal feeling and it disoriented me to think of this body/life and I was pulled back into my body.

mm

OBE: Meeting the Marlboro Man

I felt firmly back in my body and was talking to someone. I don’t recall what was said but at some point I realized I had not fully returned to the physical. With this realization I simply stepped out of my body and into the brightly lit living room I had been in previously. There was barely a noticeable shift in doing this and I briefly thought I had been mistaken and was awake.

The room was once again very brightly lit. I don’t think I have ever seen so much light in my mom’s living/kitchen area. Children were everywhere and the colors they wore seemed to explode in my vision like fireworks – red, orange, white, yellow, purple, blue. Mostly there was red and yellow. In considering it now I am not sure the colors were from their clothing, either. I think I was seeing their Light.

They were all gathered to my right in front of a large screen. A young girl had made a video and everyone was watching it, proud of her accomplishment. I walked into the center of the room and looked at the screen. I could see images on it but heard/felt I should not focus on the screen. So, I continued to the door and put my hand on it. I asked, “Can I go outside?” I felt it was okay and with that the door vanished and I was standing outside.

It was bright outside but the sky was overcast. I felt elated to be standing there even though it was my mom’s front yard, a place I find myself frequently when OOB. I felt the sensation of snow hitting my arms and looked up. It was snowing! I was super excited about it, but then in Texas it rarely snows. lol I remember saying aloud, “It’s snowing!!” I let it hit my bare arms and looked around as it dusted the ground and then melted (releasing repressed emotions) just as quickly. In front of me, barring my path, were structures made of lumber (need for a fresh start). When I saw them I thought, “Christmas trees” (familial relationships) and felt my mom had put them there. In my memory I still see them but they looked like the frames of pyramids (change will occur over short time), each of them a few feet taller than me. They had no lights or ornaments so I’m not sure why I thought them Christmas trees.

I wandered to my left and saw the ground was flooded (emotional issues/tension), the standing water moving like a small river. It was clear (clear emotions) and I walked into it. I felt the cold on my bare feet (self-identity) and laughed, kicking and splashing water. It was no deeper than my ankles. I continued and found more standing water, each pool flowing into the next. The whole yard was flooded it seemed.

I looked up and asked if I could fly. I heard/felt it would be okay so I lifted myself up into the sky and took off. I stopped and soared over the swollen ground. I was high enough to see the entire landscape and it no longer resembled my mother’s place. I could see a vast, shallow lake formed by the flood surrounded by coniferous forest. The water was crystal clear. I noticed a small child (inner child perhaps?) curled up on a tiny piece of land in the center. I wanted to turn back but knew not to and so continued on.

While I was flying I could sense I was not alone but I could see no one. I had a thought that if I wanted they would show themselves. In my mind I was even conversing with them, but I can’t recall what I said now. I had turned back and was hovering in the sky feeling weightless and focusing on the energy with me. I don’t know why but I knew there was a rope (safety line?) being thrown to me. I reached into the empty sky and sure enough I felt a rope there. I grabbed hold of it. I was laughing and full of joy. I felt so free of all worry and the heaviness of life. I could have stayed there forever.

Within moments of grabbing onto the rope I felt I would soon meet whoever was with me. I dared him to grab/hug me. And with that I felt him embrace me from behind. He said, “Here I am” in a deep voice. I laughed out loud and fell into the embrace. No fear or concern. Pure trust.

My vision blacked for a brief moment, or maybe I closed my eyes while relishing the feeling of the embrace. When I opened my eyes I was standing face-to-face with my Companion. We were standing under and against a huge oak tree (wisdom and prosperity). His arms were wrapped around my waist and my hands were resting on his shoulders. We were very close, only inches separated us.

I said, “I knew you were there all along!” He laughed and I took a really good look at his face. I could see all the fine lines and details of it. He did not look like I had ever remembered seeing him, though, yet at the same time he was familiar. His hair was brown as were his eyes and he had a bushy, brown mustache. I reached up and touched his cheek and traced his lips with my finger. I gently parted his lips to see his teeth, though I’m not sure why. He opened his mouth a bit and I even saw his tongue which looked to be speckled with little black specks that reminded me of pepper.

I tried to memorize his features as best I could but was distracted by a distinct smell. It was the smell of alcohol. I looked at him and said, “Did you use to drink?” In considering this now, I think the alcohol smell is a message to me that I’m trying to escape certain issues rather than confront them.

I don’t remember his reply, but I know he replied because I remember the timbre of his voice. It was deep and familiar. Just hearing it brought a feeling of satisfaction. I wish, wish, wish I could have recorded it.

I came back to my body flooded with memories of the first time I saw Steven (my Companion) in my mind’s eye. He presented himself to me as a cowboy with a mustache riding a horse. I use to call him the Marlboro Man jokingly because that is what he looked like in my mind. In this OBE meeting he looked exactly like that! Ha!

I also heard a song and remember that it was in the background of the OBE while I was flying. Why I didn’t notice it at the time, I don’t know, but the melody followed me back to my body along with the words, “By the look in my eyes….” I asked my husband if he knew the song and it didn’t take him long to figure it out and play it for me.

You should’ve seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin missing
You should’ve known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn’t listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin
And though I know all about those men
Still I don’t remember
Cause it was us baby, way before then
And we’re still together
And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

When I read the lyrics I laughed because the woman he’s talking about does sound like me – playing “dead”, not listening, “all coiled up and hissin'”. I’ve been dealing with lots of anger and when I’m angry I can get resentful/vengeful. Not pleasant but thankfully I have learned to control that reaction. The anger is the result of not confronting the real emotion underneath. Thus, all the grief I’ve been dealing with lately.

Funny how I always get these old songs from my Companion. This one was released in 1980-81. I was just four or five years old back then.

 

A Poem

Not a usual thing for me, I know, but poetry seemed appropriate at this time. Sometimes there is just so much emotion and too few words.

The Dream that Persists

Ease is what I wish
yet resistance is what I find.
How to allow and be at peace
through this troubling time
is heavy on my mind.

My heart is where I need to be
yet within it pain hides.
Fear of a deepening despair
taking me out with the tide. 
An undercurrent is all I find.

If only I could recover the trust
in what my heart tells me.
Where once it resided is empty
demolished by what was unseen.
What’s left is beyond repair.

Even my dreams offer no counsel;
silence from without and within.
Asking me to feel the sorrow
so I can feel the love again.
It’s just too much for me to bear.

I wish I could open the window
to my heart like I once did.
But I’ve locked it on purpose
afraid the pain will come again.
Yet I outstretch my hand…

Have I been forgotten?
Has it all been in vain?
If only I had known
I’d have avoided this pain.
Tell me you understand…

If this is all an illusion
why does it feel so real?
Bound by contracts forgotten
Unheard my every appeal.
Tell me you feel it, too…

Through the veil I feel peace
reaching through to take my hand.
Yet I feel undeserving
preferring another reprimand.
The rewards seem so few.

Yet I listen and find hope,
somehow it still exists
in this darkened space by that window
to the dream that persists.

It is Well

I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend celebrating their mothers in their own way. We ended up at my mom’s house for the afternoon and then at my mother-in-law’s in the evening. It was nice to hang out with family and be in nature. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze and the energy was calm and friendly.

Though it was a good day overall, I woke in tears Mother’s Day morning and by the evening the melancholy returned. This morning there was more upset. More purging. More whatever it is. Rather than focus on it by talking about it here I choose to focus on the message that came to me when I asked for help. Perhaps it will help those of you who are in this purging mode alongside me. Remember, it all has a purpose. It will pass. It is well.

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(Skipped in the version above)
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Song by Horatio Spafford.

A Mother’s Reflection on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures out there. I wanted to take time to reflect on my mother experience this lifetime and celebrate my three children.

My Daughter

Adrian Rose – English name meaning “of the sea (Adriatic sea)” but I picked the name because I knew she wanted it.

Rising sign – Cancer
Sun sign – Taurus
Moon sign – Libra

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter’s ninth birthday. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, May 15th. Every year around her birthday I am reminded of how I celebrated Mother’s Day the day before I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to her. And so I am also reminded of her birth and the gift she has been every day since.

Her entrance to this world was forced, though. I became very ill. Pre-eclamptic. This means my blood pressure was at unsafe levels. Stroke levels. If I remember correctly it was 165/98 or around there. This is abnormally high for me as my BP is usually 110/68. My doctor, God bless her, never indicated her worry, though I am sure she was. She remained calm even when she told me that my kidneys were dumping huge amounts of protein in my urine and that if I did not induce that day my kidneys would fail and then so would my other organs one-by-one. My husband insisted we not induce, so we waited 24 hours, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. I got worse. It was the only time my doctor looked nervous. I was so sick, so out of it, that I had no idea howadrian.jpg dire the situation was.

I don’t remember much of the birth. I was so sick that my mind was scattered and I was so pumped up with medications for the pre-eclampsia and epidural that most of my memory is fuzzy. I felt emotionally numb when I held her for the first time. The numbness lasted 9 months. My poor daughter never got to bond with me because of it and I felt unable to be her mother for reasons unknown to me. My daughter suffered with colic and an under developed digestive tract. We both took a long time to recover.

Yet as we emerged from the haze we connected and our relationship blossomed. I remember noticing when my daughter was first present in her body. I could see it in her eyes at around the 9 month mark. The same time when I emerged from my depression and numbness. In a sense, she really wasn’t born until then. It was like she waited for me.

We have a special bond now. I knew I would have her way back in my teens. I had her first name picked out when I was 19 and her middle name picked out when I was 26. I knew what she would look like because she visited me in Spirit for years before her birth. When she was in my tummy I knew her personality and she has lived up to it in every way. She is a girly girl. Loves dresses, make-up, dolls, etc. The exact opposite of me when I was her age. She is very cautious and coy but when she gets to know you she becomes a chatter box. She is strong willed like me, though, and has an explosive temper when she gets angry.

meandadrian

Me and my daughter in 2009

First Son

Orren – Celtic name that means “Little green one” (Leprechaun)  or “Of the trees”. He is the only one of my children with green eyes. 🙂

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Capricorn
Moon sign – Aries

Like my daughter, I knew about my son ahead of time. Unlike her, I did not choose a name until I knew I was pregnant. When I found his name I knew it, though, because I could sense his personality the minute I became pregnant with him.

My pregnancy was an easy one compared to my daughter. I experienced no sickness and felt wonderful. I had no pre-eclampisa, though my BP was high on the day of his birth. I went into labor early on January 11, 2011. I was hopeful his birthday would be 1-11-11 but he had other plans. He came just after midnight on the 12th. An accidental natural birth (epidural didn’t work) with a minor complication. My doctor brought in the NICU team because his heart rate was dropping to scary limits. Turns out he had an unnaturally short umbilical cord (less than 11 inches) and it was causing him orren.jpgdistress.

When he was put in my arms I cried happy tears. The natural birth was amazing and so memorable. I couldn’t sleep I was so ecstatic afterward and experienced a mother’s high for 6 weeks after his birth. I was in love with him and couldn’t stay away, my energy so high that sleep was unnecessary. His birth was how birth should be and I saw just how much I had missed with my daughter because of my illness.

My son has thus lived up to the personality I felt from him while he was in my womb. He is intense at times but very caring. He is always working to keep the peace and when his feelings get hurt he is quick to recover. Super social and agreeable, he is everyone’s friend. In fact, his teacher says he is friends with everyone in his class. He is very active and curious, too, to the point that if he is not focused on something he goes into an agony over being bored. He seems fearless in comparison to my daughter.

I was told by my guidance prior to his birth that he is my father reincarnated. My daughter confirmed this after his birth when she was 2.5 years old telling me, “He’s my grandfather, silly.” Interestingly, my mom and my son have a special bond. My mom being my father’s ex-wife, this makes complete sense.

Second Son

Elek – Hungarian name meaning “defender of mankind”.

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Aries
Moon sign – Aries

My second son was a surprise. Kinda. I knew about him but was in denial. I didn’t want anymore children. I was happy with my two and felt my family was complete. He had other ideas. Funny thing is that I said many times before I became pregnant, “If I have another child it will be a boy.”

It took a while to find his name. Once I did, though, it felt right. Unfortunately, I spent the first five months of my pregnancy with him in anger. Eventually I got over it. I cannot understand how any mother doesn’t fall in love with her child when they are in her womb. You can sense them, feel the love in every movement they make. You become instantly concerned for them, putting them first in every way. I took better care of myself when I was pregnant, especially with him.

I knew somehow that he would be breech months before it was apparent that he was not going to turn. I knew I would have a c-section, too. It was a scary prospect and part of why I was so angry in the beginning. I wanted another natural birth and was not going to get it. The unknown loomed in the distance. I worried for him and for me.

He decided to make his entrance a week before the c-section was scheduled. I went into labor on the 30th and my contractions were strong the next day at work making me have to check myself into the hospital. My BP was super low, though, and I felt really good considering. I had only gained 19 pounds with him, so never really felt pregnant.

I had an emergency c-section but it was somewhat planned. My doctor, the same one from my other two, was super supportive. She hugged me, held my hand and was just amazing. Nothing went wrong and within five hours of checking into the hospital I had my son in my arms. elek1

I had a scary first night, though. When I tried to sleep I would stop breathing. This was because they gave me morphine. I told them to stop but the effects kept me awake all night. I had hallucinations because of it the entire next day. I would be talking to family and end up talking to Spirit and saying nonsense things to my family. The whole time I could see other people in the room and was sure they were there, but they weren’t. It was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time. At one point in the night I felt Spirit lurking about near my sleeping son. He was not a nice one and I had to send him a warning. He left but it spooked me. I will never take morphine again if I can help it!

So far my youngest has lived up to his personality, too. He is a fireball but so very loving and snuggly. When he gets mad you better apologize or he will make you regret it. But he is also very forgiving and easy to please. So far he is not very social but more of a loner. He prefers to be with me or an adult to other children. He talks and talks, too, and seems to enjoy performing to get attention.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, no doubt about it. At first it was somewhat forced. I resisted big-time. I felt my freedom was being stolen from me and spent a good time grieving over this perceived loss. After my daughter was born I swore I would have no more children but eventually this lessened as she grew and I grew alongside her. It is true that the first born is the biggest teacher of them all. Neither has played their role and so many mistakes are made and so huge growth is the result.

Motherhood taught me unconditional love the hard way. The love is unlike any other. In itself the love changes all that it touches. You can’t help but be changed by it. My children made me a better person, a better daughter, a better wife, a better teacher, a better sister, a better listener. Better. They give me purpose, joy, future, promise, hope. I do not know who I would be had I not met my three children. I am grateful every day to have been blessed with their presence in my life.

three

Me and my three children in March, 2017 – Adrian, Elek and Orren.

My Mom and Grandmother

Being a mother also contributed to me finally understanding what my own mother must have gone through raising me and my two sisters. It takes one to know one, right? I have so much more respect for her and the role she played now. It is the same for my grandmother and the role she played in my life. As I watch my own mother in her role as grandmother to my children I see my grandmother in  her. It is so surreal in a sense to see how I have stepped into my mother’s role and she has stepped into her mother’s role.

threegenerations

November 2013

In memory of my grandmother who passed on May 4, 2014. Three generations – me, my mom and my grandmother. In this photo I am 6 months pregnant with my last child.

 

 

 

Emotional Purging Returns

After a couple of nights of no tears the break is over. I was up most of the night in tears. I suppose I should count myself blessed being I’m not sick and had the two day reprieve.

The dreams started early in the night and this time I remember all of them and the reasons for my tears. I believe the better dream recall stems from a mixture of a lower dosage of Benadryl and taking 200mg of B6 prior to bed. B6 is known to help with dream recall. I have been taking the Benadryl for weeks because of my lingering cold symptoms and difficulty falling to sleep. Typically it does not lower dream recall or decrease the chance of having an OBEs. In fact, when I had my most recent OBE I took 25mg of Benadryl. However, I sleep lighter when I don’t take it.

Dream: Injustice

In this dream I was watching a drama unfold at a warehouse location (memories). The boss was giving the employees their instructions for the day. A couple of them posted a sign about him on the store doors. It was discovered and they were punished. The sign told untruths about their boss, some very nasty ones, too. I watched as more and more employees were joining the first two and undermining their boss behind his back. They did everything you can imagine – talked about him, purposefully made him look bad, ignored instructions, lied, etc. They were malicious, cold and plain nasty. I watched as the boss saw this happening and was beside himself with upset and unable to do anything about it. There was nothing wrong with him, either, it was just that two men decided to hate him and make his life miserable and got others to join them. I could feel all his upset and it became as if my own.

Toward the end of the dream I entered the dream and tried to defend the man. The whole thing was just so unfair and wrong. I remember telling someone about how I felt and how I could identify with the man’s plight. This is when I began to cry in heaving sobs. It was not tears for me but for the cruelty suffered by anyone in similar circumstances. I did have memories of my own upsets and relived the feelings I had during those times. I saw how I protected myself from it by withdrawing from most social circles.

When I woke up my eyes were pouring tears. It was 11am and I had not been asleep very long yet the dream seemed to have lasted forever. I remember saying to my guidance, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” When I was calmer I heard a voice say, “We want you to stay.” I realized I was in the in-between when I felt/saw one of my guides reach across a table and take my hand in his own. I then saw I was sitting at a round table and my Council was sitting all around me. The table was open in the middle and that is where I was seated. When looking at the table from above it would resemble a crescent moon.

We talked for a short while about my options. I won’t go into detail about them now but they have to do with the upcoming vertical alignment I am preparing for.

tears

Dream: Loss

In this dream I was at work orientation. I was obviously a school counselor at a school campus. Part of the orientation was to take a math quiz (self analysis) in order to assess our readiness to help the students with the state mandated testing. I had gotten mine late and when the principal came around to check our progress she took mine and wrote in black pen comments that were very rude and unprofessional. I was shocked and ended up cheating off a fellow teacher (feeling insecure) to get it done but even the copying proved difficult. The problems were very complex.

Feeling upset and wanting to get away, I went to hide in the bathroom (renewal). I was reconsidering my decision to work there. For some reason I was completely naked (fear of being discovered). I noticed an orange (out-going nature), sticky substance was all over me and I could not get it off. A man came in and told me it came from the sinks. Before I could be surprised that he was there the bathroom was full of people, both male and female. I was the only one without clothes but no one seemed to notice and I didn’t seem to care.

Then I went into the lounge and saw they had loads of fresh squeezed mandarin orange juice (energy/vitality). I saw it and mentioned that I should make marmalade for them. Entire memories of my last temporary job came to me at this time.

Then I was called to a meeting with the principal. She was very stern with me and gave me an agenda. I was working part-time and she was making sure my time was filled with productivity. There was a feeling that she was suspicious that I was slacking. She told me that she wanted me to give a presentation on loss. She then showed me another counselor who was doing such a presentation. The man was praying (humility) with a student. In the prayer he requested help for the child and his family. I was shocked that he was allowed to pray in school and became distraught when I felt the emotion of the family he was praying for.

I woke up in tears. There was a feeling that I was being asked to consider continuing my work as a counselor. I did not want this and was rejecting the idea. However, there is no indication of such a request. I think I was being asked to evaluate past experiences. The tears came from the end of the dream. I recognized that I have suffered huge loss in this life, loss that never was quite resolved. I also felt extremely lonely. My guidance pointed this out to me saying, “You are lonely.” The homesick feeling was very strong.

Dream: Test

In this dream I was with a couple of groups. The first was made of two men. Both had been drinking heavily (reaching new level of awareness) and one had vomited (letting go) and was cleaning it up. The second group was made of two women and they were going with me to a job interview situation. One woman was needing the job badly and talking about her financial situation. She was young and inexperienced. When we got to the location we were asked to take a test (self-analysis). The tests were on computers. After we were seated we began the test. I knew I had to pass all four sections but I was very nervous. Things kept distracting me. For example, I found several pairs of socks (yielding to others) on the desk, only one pair was mine. Another distraction was the woman sitting next to me. I remember us talking about our eyes and her saying she had a rare and special condition. I can’t recall it now but I do remember looking into her brown eyes for a long time. They were speckled with gold and very unique.

Eventually I was told to log off and given a slip of paper to come in and finish my exam. I asked why and was told it was lunch time. I got irritated at the proctor because the others were still taking their tests. I asked, “Why do they get to stay?” She wouldn’t answer. I realized it was because they were almost done and I was far from done. I stormed out of the building telling then I would not be able to come during the week like they wanted me to and likely would never finish the test.

When I got outside I climbed onto a little moped and drove off. Unfortunately, one of my tires went flat (feeling emotionally flat/tired) leaving me with only two. I remember seeing the tire very vividly as it literally fell off the third wheel.

The last thing I recall was sitting in a movie theater facing a group of kids. They were talking about going out and getting drunk. I remembering thinking I could use a drink, too, but knowing better.

Memories

I woke between each of these dreams and was unable to fall asleep for some time afterward. After the last dream I just stayed awake. While in between dreams I was given messages in the form of visions and music. The main visual I recall was seeing the number 11 very vividly. It started out small, like in the distance, and then got larger and large, closer and closer.

Several songs came to mind. The first two came simultaneously into my mind. This was after I woke from the first dream and was quite upset.

I was hearing, “You are beautiful, no matter what they say” simultaneously with, “I will wait, I will wait for you.” Two completely different songs superimposed in my mind.

The last song came after the second dream and before the third. It returned after I woke from the third as well. The part that kept repeating was, “I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. I wanna dance with somebody, somebody who loves me.” I suspect this song message is about the Kundalini “dance” of masculine and feminine energies. I have a brief memory from early on in the night where I felt the Kundalini energy throughout my mid-section. It was a pleasant, whirling feeling that, had I been more lucid, would likely have been quite intense and difficult to manage.