Dreams of Transition

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Texas. After over a week of rainy days we finally got to experience blue skies and Spring-like temperatures. I visited my mom’s house to celebrate her birthday. While I was there I took a long walk through the hills and captured photos of butterflies of all kinds. Many of them were attracted to me, landing on my shirt or flying up into my face.

Here are a few photos of my butterfly encounters:

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The energy lately has been intense according to others I know. Thankfully, these waves do not incite too many physical/emotional/mental symptoms for me these days. I have had some intestinal grumpiness for a few days and my right eye continues to gunk up making it hard for me to wear my contacts. Other than that, physically I am doing well.

My husband and I have been butting heads quite a bit lately. It seems to be a war of the wills. As usual, I tend to be the one to drop out. I haven’t the energy for it anymore. It just isn’t worth the stress. He continues to push despite this. It isn’t good enough for me to let him win, he has to force a reaction from me. Sigh. For example, this morning he let our middle son stay home from school just because his throat was sore. He didn’t take his temperature or anything despite knowing my son purposefully tries this to avoid school (what kid doesn’t?). I took his temperature and it was fine. If his throat does hurt it is likely allergies. My husband and I talked about it, him justifying his decision and me giving up quickly on trying to talk sense into him. Now my husband is trying to take my son to work as my son seems completely recovered (ha!). My husband knows I do not like rewarding staying home from school, so now he is doing just that.

I give up. Really. I am trying to get him to agree to a divorce and he keeps avoiding it. 😦

My dreams suggest I am seeking to protect myself from something. I don’t know how to feel about them.

Dream: Busted Bathroom

This dream began inside a school classroom (lessons). I can’t recall much except walking across the hall to retrieve my clothing after realizing I was butt naked (vulnerability). I wrapped a towel (need to confront something) around myself and waited until the bell rang and went over. The teacher was at the her desk and my clothes were in a heap on a student desk next to hers. I picked up my clothes and left quickly. The teacher hardly noticed me.

I walked down the hall and was joined by a very, very tall and very black man who spoke with an African accent. He asked me, “May I join you?” I nodded yes but kept my head down and my blue (sadness, need for guidance) towel tightly around me. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me closer to him as if he was taking ownership of me and we continued to walk down the hall.

At some point another woman was with me as I searched for a bathroom (cleansing). I don’t know what happened to the black man. When we found the bathroom entrance the doors to both were sealed shut with yellow tape across them. I walked around the corner and found another entrance.

Inside I had to push past a fake door and gained entry into the bathroom. It was all white tiles and at first I was relieved to have found it. Unfortunately, as soon as we went further in I noticed the tile on the floor was crushed as if from an impact (trauma). Similarly, tiles on the walls were crumbling. There was also water (emotion) pooled on the floor and dripping down the far wall. The woman with me suggested we leave because it felt like the bathroom might collapse on top of us. I told her to wait and hurried to put on my shirt noticing my jeans were already on. The jeans were those from the 80’s (past issues) – high waist, puffy and stone washed. I could feel the sharp tile on my bare feet (cutting/painful issues).

When I awoke a song was going through my head – Toad the Wet Sproket’s Walk on the Ocean.

“Somebody told me this is the place where everything’s better and everything’s safe….”

The song seems to indicate I am seeking a safe place, somewhere where “everything’s better and everything’s safe.” I always did love that song. 🙂

Dream: Missed Wedding

In this dream I was talking to someone wearing earbuds standing outside on a city street. The date was discussed and I realized I had missed my best friend’s wedding (transition). I couldn’t remember how, though, and struggled to come up with an excuse thinking my actions unforgivable.

Suddenly, I remembered my mom (aspect of self) had given birth (new beginnings, growth) to a baby boy on the 21st. The date was the day before the wedding (the 22nd) so I thought I could use it as an excuse even though I was not in attendance at the birth. I remember talking to my best friend and telling her about the birth while looking at photos of her wedding. Somehow she with her a newborn baby of her own. I watched her tending to it as I told her I could come clean her house as a gift and to help out. In my mind I was confused, though, not knowing whose baby was born, my mom’s or her’s.

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Sudden Purge

Unexpected emotion this morning. When I woke I thought, “I’m not going to work today.” Instantly, I remember saying to a co-worker yesterday, “For some reason it feels like Friday.” At the time I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be at work the next day but I pushed the thought out of my mind. Crazy that I had perceived my own future like that!

So I am working from home today, avoiding people and sitting with this morning’s experience. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not. Whatever the case, I am in the midst of another purge. Not sure how long it will last this time around.

Dream: TX to AK Transplant

This dream is mixed up a bit. There were images and memories from my two different lives merging into one.

I was talking to someone about writing a new blog. The main focus of the conversation was what to call it. The new blog was about my time in Alaska. I went through several names but finally came up with Texas to Alaska Transplant. This part of the dream was much longer but memory of it is mostly me mulling over what to write with images of paragraphs of words, some highlighted in blue. I focused on the words and read some, but can’t recall them now, of course.

The dream shifted at some point, probably while I was reading what I wrote. I had moved to Alaska with my husband (ex). It was mid-summer and I remember turning to him to tell him I couldn’t face another winter there. I was very serious and sad. The pain from that time in my life was evident. There is vague memory of being inside a car or train and seeing the landscape through the window, a blur of color as it passed by.

Then I was inside a dark room. All I recall are faces here. Some were faces from my present life – my sister-in-law was one of them, my mother another. I heard my husband mention that he was living with his cousin (likely my sister’s situation bleeding through here). I saw a visual of him standing next to my SIL, his half-sister (so not his cousin). With them was another woman, another family member, I couldn’t place. I knew we were all getting up there in years and that the reason for living with family was to help one another in our old age. This is likely a bleed-through from my current life. My mother-in-law’s siblings all live together in their childhood home, all except her that is.

Still, firm on my decision to leave, I turned toward the south. In front of and under me was a giant map of U.S. I was positioned over Alaska and my focus was on the southeastern U.S. I knew I was 60 years old. I felt my real family calling me and that is where I intended to go. In my mind I was sad that it had taken so long for the call to come through. At the same time I was thinking, “At least I get this time with him. It’s better than nothing.” The time felt very short but I didn’t care.

Then I was standing in front of a counter discussing Alaska with a woman. I saw in my mind the weather forecast. There was a map of AK and the entire state had rain (sadness, crying). In the northwest were blobs of white where it was freezing (frozen emotion). I remember thinking it was not good to have so much rain when the temperatures were dropping. It would make the roads very icy. I decided not to go wherever it was I had planned to go.

The woman and I were talking about something very serious. I was upset, the emotion just under the surface. She offered me a large, oblong, violet purple (compassion, kindness) pill (healing). She said, “I have to warn you about the side-effects. It will make your butt (struggle with some situation) and knees (feeling inadequate, weak, emotional and in need of support) hurt.” I said apathetically, “My butt already hurts all the time.” I put the pill in my mouth. The woman said, “It’s a gray area. Some people don’t experience any side-effects.” I responded with, “Knowing me, I will have them all.”

Memories all tumbled one upon the other then along with a sense of time stretching out endlessly with no reprieve in sight. As I viewed the life I had lived I was very disappointed. The feelings were the most difficult to swallow. I felt so dead inside, so numb despite the upheaval I had gone through. It felt like my life was never my own. I knew I could do so much better. I heard a man say to me, “It was a good life.”

Sudden Emotion

When I woke I was crying. The emotions I was feeling were there but they seemed hollow, like they weren’t even mine. I allowed them, crying in heaving sobs. Some of the thoughts I was having was about how unfair life was. Specifically, I was thinking about how, when I finally found my Home, I could not have it. Home felt to be a person, but that person didn’t want me. It seemed like my dream was suggesting a time would come when I could go Home, but it wasn’t until my 60th year. Being that is so, so far in the future, I agonized over the wait, sure I would not be able to last that long. I agonized at the loss of my youth as well.

I remember hearing a male voice say, “You remember…..” in response to the agony I was feeling. So much was going on inside that it is hard to know what exactly I was crying about. Some of it seemed to be recalling my time in Alaska, the extreme loneliness and wishing for death I had at that time. Some of it seemed to be my current life circumstances. And then some seemed to be a return to the decimated feeling of loss I experienced the end of in 2016.

A song was going through my head on repeat. The words, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead….”

I wonder now if the song is a reflection of the hurt my ex-husband felt after I left? Maybe I was experiencing his pain, not mine, in that regard? He did not want a divorce. He told me when I left that he would never love anyone else like he loved me. For years after we divorced he would call me out of the blue, often in the middle of the the night, sometimes drunk, sometimes in tears (or both). He did this despite being newly remarried.

One time, my current husband and I met up with him in Dallas. He got to meet my two oldest children. My middle son was a toddler at the time. I remember saying to him, “I never thought I would see you again.” I felt completely fine seeing him, no upset or regret. He looked the same, just sadder. He told me later he needed that closure and he was happy I was happy, that I got the family I wanted. I haven’t heard from him in four years.

With the above consideration I felt guilt. Guilt for choosing to walk that path with my ex while knowing all along it would not result in anything substantial. I lied to myself and suffered for it. I lied to him and he suffered for it. All for the sake of security. Fear does that.

That was my first life. It doesn’t even feel like mine now.

As for this current life, it feels similar in some ways. I am not as bad off as I was when in Alaska, thankfully. But I still feel the loneliness. It is a deep ache that originates at my core made worse for knowing that the antidote exists and is within my reach. Only I can’t have it yet because it is linked to another and they have to want it as much as I do for it to work.

So yeah, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. I hear, “Sometimes it hurts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.” Double the hurt for me. What goes around comes around.

As I write this the emotion continues. So glad I chose to stay home from work. It’s gonna be a long day.

 

Message: 11/11 Convergence

It’s been an odd couple of days. Yesterday I was a bit grumpy and irritable – definitely in “I’m not taking any shit” mode. Mostly I was standing up for myself and not allowing others to make me feel guilty for who I am (personality-wise).

My specific upset yesterday was with my husband and his tendency to force me into situations that I dislike. I tend toward introversion, though I can be very extroverted at times, but I need lots of space and time alone, especially before and after lots of socializing. My home is my sanctuary, so I don’t like visitors without enough time to process and prepare for them. My husband is extroverted and likes to invite family and friends over and does so, often without asking/telling me. Yesterday he wanted us to have a bunch of family over. I was against it and wanted to move it to the weekend (more time to prepare). He got very upset and tried to convince me that something is wrong with me for not liking people, for not wanting to be social, etc. I was not having it. Nothing is wrong with me. We are just different and that is OK.

In-between this argument that seemed to last all day (plus we work together lol), there was a sense of the coming “storm” that I have been warned about since the summer. First there was hurricane Michael, which I predicted would hit Florida when it was in it’s early stages down in the Gulf. And now there is major flooding in Central Texas (where I live) that is devastating communities. Not only is this happening in the US, but there have been other devastating climate-related disasters (typhoons) in the East. I can’t help but wonder if this is part of the “storm”? The physical Earth-part anyway and all of involving flooding….Flooding, emotion, deep-cleansing…hmmm

My dreams lead me to believe that the “storm” is related to the rise of the Divine Feminine. I know I feel very strong, powerful and defiant right now. I am reminded of the World War II poster below:Image result for WWII poster of woman

I think collectively women have reached a point where they are fed up and finally willing to push back. Perhaps that is also what planet Earth is doing with all the natural disasters? Mother Earth is saying, “NO MORE!”

Dream: 11/11 Convergence

This dream seemed to take place in a void. I remember seeing mostly black as if looking up into space. My husband was sitting next to me. It seemed like we were at an astrological consult/reading. A masculine voice was telling us about an upcoming event. In my mind I saw a calendar focused in on the month of November. It seemed like a long time away, like a year in the future. I said, “11/11. Isn’t that the Harmonic Convergence or something?” The voice said, “You know what is coming.” I said, “It’s one of those astrological things. I can never remember what they are called.” Then I said, “11/11, the time for action- when we put to use all we’ve learned.” I thought for a bit and said back to the masculine voice, “But wait. We are doing that now, aren’t we?” I looked at my husband as if telling him this. He didn’t seem to know what was going on.

I only remembered this dream after waking up feeling down and pessimistic. My guide said, “Remember….” and then I remembered the dream. Perhaps the dream is a message about a convergence – becoming Whole – in the future? It felt like 11/11 is in 2019, not this year based upon how far in the future the visual seemed in the dream. I guess we’ll see.

Dream: Weave Dancer

In this dream I was part of a group of young women who were learning to weave (put together pieces, look at the whole) dance (learning to let go), at least that is what I’m going to call it. The “dance” consisted of women dancing and twirling as they held what resembled beaded, shiny ropes that seemed to have no end. If you have ever heard of the Maypole, it looked a lot like that but without the pole and using fabric and beads of gemstone. The result of the dance was an intricate braided artwork that was strung across the entire room like a giant spider’s web of colored fabric and gemstones.

I sat with other women and listened as it was explained what we were to do. I felt it would be too difficult and that I was too old. All the women seemed much younger and youthful than me. I watched a young women dance and twirl gracefully with her braided (courage) pieces of colored fabric. It was beautiful and magical.

As I began to dance (freedom) with the beaded fabric the wall next to me morphed and moved. I was walking up the wall and onto the ceiling, moving along with the wall. I was afraid at first but focused on my dancing and weaving. The wall/floor was white and smooth, my beaded fabric a rainbow of colors twisting and turning into amazing patterns. I never fell or stumbled because I focused on my weave dancing and not on the fear.

Afterward the other young woman was upset because she couldn’t find a piece for her weaving. I picked up a tiny model of something (house maybe?) and showed her the pieces she was looking for on it and said, “Just use these.” The pieces resembled long, white staffs or rods that were flexible. They may have actually been crochet hooks. I took one off and handed it to her. The structure was not compromised.

Then we were going to get a bite to eat. I stood in line and told the lady that I wanted beets (success and abundance) and pointed to them. They were cut into long slices. She placed several on my plate, one like a parsnip. Then I told her I wanted pizza (abundance, variety, choices), too, and she placed a couple of slices on my plate. Another lady placed a large piece of white cake (acceptance of rewards for hard work) on my plate. I said, “I didn’t…” and she began to remove it and then I laughed and told her to leave it thinking how odd my dinner of beets, pizza and cake was.

Dream Snippet

Dreamed one of my front teeth – the incisor – was loose. I tugged on it and it came out but did not hurt (something I thought difficult turns out not to be). Blood (life, passion, disappointments) gushed from the wound and I held a napkin to my mouth. I told a man that I had lost my tooth. I looked in the mirror and the gap was barely noticeable. I wondered why I lost it.

Music Message

When I woke this morning a song was going through my head –  Natural by Imagine Dragons. I just heard, “Yeah you’re a natural….” It was hard to get out of my head this morning. I was singing it as I made breakfast. lol

Cougar

More strange dreams and visions last night.

Vision – Cougar

I had a very close-up encounter with a mountain lion/cougar. I was face-to-face with it. There was no message with it, no sense of fear or awe, just the encounter. I did not see it’s entire body, just it’s face. When I came out of my reverie my thought was that it was beautiful.

This is the second cougar encounter I’ve had. The first was a dream not long ago where I saw a cougar in my grandmother’s garden. I was not afraid of it then, either.

I am reminded of a real life encounter I had with cougar. It was years ago when I lived in Montana. There was this particular route my ex-husband and I use to hike, and sometimes cross country ski, in the mountains. At the time he was hunting elk during bow season. I always went with him even though I didn’t hunt. I enjoyed hiking the beautiful terrain and took every opportunity I could to get close to a herd of elk.

Early on in the hike my ex told me, “Don’t move.” He said it in such a way that I froze on the spot. He then pointed to the ridge. I looked up and saw a mountain lion staring back at us. She was the same color as the grass, so well camouflaged that I would never have seen her had he not pointed her out. I don’t remember being afraid, but excited. She was really close, even closer through the scope of the rifle. Eventually she left and we went on our way. My ex reassured me telling me they don’t usually attack full grown humans. Still, I was looking behind me for a while after that. lol

I looked up the symbolism of the cougar. This is what I discovered:

Your coming into your power
Take charge, step-up and show your strength
Set clear intention to navigate your path
Lead by example
Do not force others to follow
Key words: courage, opportunity, assertiveness, action

All of the above reflect what I have been feeling/intuiting lately. I have been feeling especially ferocious, like the Lion in me is ready to tear up whatever stands in my way. For example, yesterday we took our kids to a local hamburger place, Hat Creek. While sitting at one of the long, picnic style booths, a woman stood behind my husband waiting for him to move. She was waiting maybe 1 minute and said something in a quiet voice to him. The room was very noisy so he didn’t hear her until maybe the third time she spoke. He moved, smiling, but as she passed him by she rolled her eyes at him. He didn’t see it but I saw it. OMG I was ready to attack that woman! LOL Instead I said as loud as I could, “Someone’s got an attitude problem.” She didn’t hear. It was too loud in there.

It took me a good 10 minutes to calm down. I kept watching the woman and her family and all these judgement were surfacing. I just let them pass and reminded myself to choose love instead. Despite this I ended up being critical of humanity itself as I watched the parents (75% of which were overweight or obese) feed their children fatty, greasy foods. I fantasized about passing out the nutrition information of the food there to everyone, asking if they knew what they were eating and how it was affecting their health/body. I wondered how long it would take for someone to take offense or for the owners to escort me out. I looked down at my salad and then at my own kids who were rejecting their burgers, proud that I had at least taught my own children a bit about healthy choices.

So, yeah, feeling a bit fierce these days. 🙂 Even now, in recalling the whole situation, I want to go on and on about how screwed up Americans are, how self-indulgent, unhealthy, materialistic, etc, etc. You get the idea.

Similarly, I sense in myself an unwillingness to put up with shit in my life, specifically within my home. But there is also a patience that goes along with it that is keeping me from going overboard. I am grateful for that part because I tend to jump the gun when I get like this. I make quick decisions without first considering how those decisions might affect others. So, at least I am getting the part of the message that says, “Don’t force others to follow.”

Note: Just considered the slang meaning of “cougar” – a woman who seeks sex with significantly younger men. Gotta laugh about this. 

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Dream – Doctor Visit

I had what seemed like a dream that lasted all night. In it I was first a doctor and then a patient. As the doctor (my ability to heal or help) I was a part of a team that was in the process of expanding. New doctors were coming on board. I observed the group get larger and was upset by the tendency of the other doctors to compete with one another. One of the first things these new doctors were told was, “We are all equals here. There is no need to try and outdo one another.” Yet they seemed not to get the message. I remember telling my coworker, “See? They are doing it (competing).”

As the patient I walked into a large clinic setting and met with a male doctor who seemed quite young. I believe I was pregnant (new potential) but can’t be certain. My initial exam revealed I had a very high heart rate – 371. When I first saw the number I didn’t think anything of it but then realized it was high. I asked, “Isn’t that kind of high?” He nodded and told me to wait while he consulted with someone.

When he left I decided to take a nap there on the table, knowing it would get my heart rate down. In my memory I see the numbers go down- 340, 200, 170 – and I kept telling myself, “You just need to relax. Relax.” This is lkely a real message from myself to myself.

Eventually I got up because I was feeling really drowsy and knew I needed to wake up. I went to a bathroom and took out my retainers (holding back) which I had been wearing the whole time. I noticed one of my top, middle teeth (concerned about losing control) was crooked. I pressed on it and shifted back into place really easily. Concerned, I put my retainer (seeking to hold back something) back in.

Then I heard a commotion from the other room. A door opened and two large dogs (protection, friendship, fidelity) were let in, one black and the other blonde. They were rowdy but friendly. One of the doctors shut the door without realizing I was inside with the dogs. I walked past the dogs and knocked on the door saying, “Hey, I’m in here.” They opened it.

Then the scene shifted and I was in a car (life path) heading toward a very special, invitation only gathering. When I arrived there was this sense that this was a very exclusive group of people who were involve in the occult. When I got inside the room was very dark but grande, resembling a castle. I was questioned several times about whether I belonged there. I told them I did. I was challenged to prove myself and shown two swords (strength, ambition, decisiveness, willpower), one on either side of the room. The swords were kept inside box-shaped cases attached to the platform on which I was standing. I saw them rise up out of their cases as if waiting to be wielded (ready to take back my power).

A man questioned my being there, saying I did not belong. A woman appeared out of thin air, as if a ghost or apparition. I only remember seeing her face hovering between the two sword cases. She had blonde hair (maybe another version of myself) and was very attractive. She told the others that I did belong and that she would not have it any other way. She challenged them to challenge her. No one did.

Music Message

When I woke a song was going through my mind, one I have not heard in ages. With it I thought, “Ghost.” I recognized the song went with the movie Ghost but in recalling my dream and the ghostly woman toward the end, I wonder what the purpose of this song really is.

Something about the song and dream made me feel hopeless. I know it is the waiting, the passage of so much time, that is the hardest. It makes me want to give up. Most of the time I am not even sure what I am waiting for. Is it to go Home? Is it purely a spiritual homesickness? Or is it something I am waiting for here on Earth, a physical experience, I am waiting for?

Regardless, I am reminded of the feeling I seem to have always had in this lifetime. The feeling is that I do not belong and my real family is out there and I want/need to be with them. Yet I feel tethered to this illusion and unable – not allowed – to go to my real family. Ultimately it feels like I have been cursed.

More Spiders

As if to remind me again that I need to be patient and only act at the right time, I found another spider in my house. This time he was very tiny and trying to hide in plain sight. I took him outside and even when free he immediately hid from me.

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Common House spider, October 14th.

I believe this is a Common House Spider, but am not completely certain. He did not have a web. He was about the size of the tip of my finger.

As with the other spiders I have made contact with, I was fascinated by him. I got as close as I could, even shined a flashlight on him.

This spider visit came after a tiny jumping spider I found in my kitchen on October 8th. Here is a picture of him:

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Jumping spider, October 8th.

When I attempted to let him go he jumped back onto me without my knowing and then tried to run under the kitchen cabinets. I had to catch him again and put him outside. lol

Huge Push and 2 OBEs

I’ve had a rough few days since my last post. Yesterday was the worse. I was grieving all day. Grieving for a loss before it has happened. Little things were causing upset. I was crying over stupid stuff and those little things were triggers for something bigger.

I am being pushed right now. It comes from deep within and has been intensifying with each day. I’ve been pushed before. My tendency is to wait it out and up until now that has worked. I think, “If I wait long enough it will go away”. This time feels different, though. I don’t think waiting it out will work.

Last night I kept waking up. Our a/c is cutting off periodically and my husband did not go into the attic to investigate and clear the overflow pan. The a/c wasn’t turning back on. Each time I woke up I had sweat on my brow. Too hot to get good sleep. I would go reset the a/c, it would turn on and then go off again without cooling the house.

At 3:30am I woke and the a/c NEST thermostat had no power. I had to flip the breaker. It was nearly 80 degrees in the house! I opened the window and tried to sleep. Then I felt the air turn on and it got cool enough for me to sleep.

time

Lucid to OBE: Time Flies

I returned to sleep and set the intention to project.

I was aware of being in my bed, eyes still heavy with sleep, attempting to determine whether I was really awake or dreaming. Quite a bit of this part of the experience is lost to me now but I recall attempting to separate from my body. I did not realize yet that I was dreaming and so separation was unnecessary.

All at once the scene shifted and I was inside a house with people I was visiting. They all seemed to know me and me them but I have no idea who they were, only that they were dark haired and related but not by blood. One woman came up to me and I recognized her. I hugged her while saying, “Meredith!!” She hugged me back and turned toward the bedroom behind her. A young woman who looked just like her was lying in the bed very pregnant. I was confused. Were they both Meredith? Or was it mother and daughter?

I headed to the opposite side of the house (a mobile home) and into a familiar bedroom. I got into the bed and once again felt the heaviness of sleep take over. My eyes heavy, I struggled to stay awake. A young, dark haired man came in and began talking to me. I was in his room. We seemed to know each other. I had memories of him being much younger, like 10 years old, yet he was obviously much older – a man. He sat down on the bed next to me. I told myself to wake up as I attempted to put on clothing. I was in this man’s bed wearing only my underwear! But he seemed not to mind or care. We were family after all.

I managed to pick up my shorts but could not get my legs into the right holes (lol). I was  completely unable to keep my eyes open long enough to focus. The young man was to my left sitting very close talking cheerfully about the family and things that had happened over the years. I sat staring off into space. I saw a military ID tag with numbers on it. It floated mid-air in my vision and woke me up a bit. I turned to him and asked him about it. He motioned to a bag and I said it was not what I saw, that it was military in origin. I don’t remember the number now, just that it was 4 digits, maybe 1406.

This is when I began to wake up. I turned and looked at the man and saw how young he was (early 20s probably). He was smiling and I recognized him, though from where, I am unsure. He had dark hair, twinkling brown eyes and medium skin tone. He kept talking and I listened. He was asking me to stay for a while, inviting me to join him and the family in the living room. As I focused on him I felt a strong pull from my heart area. It felt like my heart expanded toward him and a rush of Divine connection began to fill me up. I stopped it, though, panicking and saying to myself, “No!!” The connection immediately severed. My reasons for severing the connection was his age – he was too young. The man seemed not to notice.

He got up to use the restroom and I again noticed him. He was wearing boxers and t-shirt. I realized he was very comfortable and at ease around me. I saw a box on the dresser and inspected it. It was full of marijuana. I mentioned it, saying I had not smoked in years. He replied, “Stay a while and we can smoke some together.” Then he left me in the room alone and I continued to try and get dressed.

I sat on the bed for a bit feeling drowsy. A man came in and sat next to me on the bed where the young man had sat. He was much older, maybe in his 50s. He had salt and pepper stubble on his face, kind brown eyes and salt and pepper hair. He smiled at me as he sat there and I knew he was the young man all grown up. Again he was very familiar and felt like family to me. I turned and looked at the clock and saw it was past 5pm. It felt like I had been there all day! There was a sense here that the clock represented the passage of time, only rather than hours and minutes it was years.

Then a family was standing in the room with me – a mom, dad and three children. I remember being told by someone (a voice) that they had come seeking my counsel. The mother looked at the father and said something firmly with a very serious tone. Her words are lost to me now but I believe she was saying her mind was made up and she was leaving him. He responded with, “But what about the kids? They need you.” He pointed to the youngest, a little blonde boy no older than 4. The father was against her leaving. I shifted perspective to the woman and looked specifically at the littlest. She/I said, “He will be okay as long as you and I are both in his life.” I remember complimenting them on their family as they left but feeling a sadness wash over me that did not make sense.

I finally went into the living room and there were some others milling about, all young (20’s). For some reason I came into full awareness. I saw the front door and went outside. There was a porch with wood railings the length of the house. I jumped up on the railing. The young dark haired man followed me. I turned, feeling adventurous all of a sudden, and said, “Watch this.” I jumped on top of the railing and grabbed onto the roof overhand. I swung a while and then let go, knowing I could fly. I floated there and lost vision.

OBE : Set an Intention

I sensed my body only briefly before I exited back into the scene. I was in the air near the house floating over the treetops. In front of me was a beautiful city, rooftops in all directions scattered across hilltops covered in trees whose leaves were already changing color for Fall. The sky was crimson with streaks of orange dotted with puffy, white clouds on a background of deep blue. It was breathtaking!

I felt myself being pulled up and I surrendered to the sensation while expressing that I did not want to go up. I remember thinking, “I need to set an intention.” I don’t remember saying anything, though. Instead I thought of something that made my heart instantly ache with a yearning I cannot describe. I became overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. I stopped mid-air, overcome with a grief that seemed to have no origin. Realizing that I could not stay in such a state, I shifted out of the emotion immediately, as if it were just a passing moment and nothing of concern.

I flew a while and spotted a group of women in an open area. I hovered over them and listened in on their conversations. They saw me but did not care that I was floating. Somehow I knew the women. Everything they said to me I wrote down very carefully on a paper in my mind. None of it I recall now, of course! One woman’s name was Marcia, though, and I recall telling the women matter-of-factly that they had each purposely came here with few social/family connections. Marcia, however, would become one who had a great many. In my mind I saw their positions as if part of a web. Each of them were at the ends of the web but Marcia was closer the center. I knew the women had purposefully chosen their positions for the experience. I knew I was like them.

I flew on past them after telling them my observations. I came to a door. A nun was inside. I could just barely see her through the tiny window. She asked me for help saying they would not let her out and she needed a code. I went to the right of the door and saw a man in uniform standing behind a desk. I asked him to open the door and let her out. He would not.

The experience starts to break up here. I recall feeling emotional again and shutting it down quickly.

Messages

I returned to my body but lingered in the in-between for a while. There was a discussion with a male guide that was quite long, but I can’t remember much of it now except that I was drinking a very large glass of something that was to help me heal. I also remember seeing my mid-section ripped open but it was energetic, not physical. I remember discussing what I knew needed to be done. The male guide told me, “Don’t worry, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

Several songs were on my mind as I woke. One was a Christmas song but I don’t remember which one. The other two came one after the other:

Dido White Flag – I will go down with this ship. I won’t put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I’m in love, and always will be.

Rachel Platten Fight Song– Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match but I can make an explosion. This is my fight song. Take back my life song.

 

 

 

 

The Burden is Real

If I had to describe the last couple of days I would describe them as weird. Different. I don’t know if that even suffices but it will have to do.

I am still struggling to fall asleep. Then, when I do sleep, I sleep really deep and wake up feeling like I have been drugged. I linger in bed sometimes for an hour going in and out of the in-between. My body feels like it needs months of sleep right now to catch up but I have done plenty of catching up already. Even now, three hours after waking, my eyes are heavy and all I want to do is curl up in bed.

My dreams are barely memorable. I have been doing some traveling that is for sure. Two nights ago I was with a FB friend traveling through the UK (renewal) searching for her male friend. Last night I was traveling to Mexico (preservation of tradition, family, faith and culture) but forgot my bag so we had to turn back early on, delaying us by 10 hours.

Yesterday, prior to bed and upon waking there was a male presence attending to me. The feeling from him was that he wanted my attention, that he wanted me to look at something I did not want to look at. Memories came to me as I tried to ignore him, memories that incited deep emotion and regret. When I woke I had some intense realizations that I couldn’t shake.

When I got on FB to check if there was anything interesting going on I saw my own post two years ago. I posted a request for prayers because my husband and I were having marriage issues. It got over 20 comments of support.

The post hit me hard and echoed the “wake up call” I had just received. Not only that, but in attempt to avoid the FB memory I wandered into WordPress to read recent posts and saw something that further supported the feeling/Knowing I woke with.

Without going into too much detail, I will say this: my realization centers around taking responsibility and acknowledging the truth about something I am “guilty” of doing, something I have done previously and something I will likely continue to do if I pretend it is not there. Not only is this something not in line with my Truth but I have justified it to the point that I believe it not to be wrong, that I believe myself not guilty of trespassing upon myself. Ha! That is the perfect word – trespass. And in trespassing upon myself, I trespass upon those I love.

And all of it the result of fear, making decisions from a place of fear. It takes a lot of courage to just admit that, but the real courage is making decisions and acting up them from a place of love. That is the hard part because when fear has been the motivator all along, acting from a place of love can seem downright idiotic and scary. Like, “What the hell are you thinking?” scary.

Love here is more than just love of Self. It is love for others as well. And it is standing for what is right and ethical even if it means unwanted or uncomfortable change.

To make a long story short, I am saying to myself, “Shame on you!”

I am still not 100% clear about what all this means but I do know that I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and live my Truth rather than perpetuate a lie for the sake of preserving an echo of what was. It is hard to know, really, what that Truth is after so many years of pretense. What is true to me and what isn’t? I am not sure anymore. All I know is what I feel and I guess that has to be good enough. At least I am feeling something. For so many years I was just numb.

Libra Retrograde

I wrote the above portion of this post yesterday and then abandoned it. I was really feel weird….off…..out of it and needed to get myself straight before finishing it. I decided to go shopping alone to try and shake off the feeling. Sadly, it only got worse. I ended up walking down the isles of a clothing store pointlessly. I bought my daughter a sweater and headed toward the car. As I stepped out the door I was hit with a really strong inner “push” and knew what I needed to do. In that moment I felt a bit lost, like a child who just realized they have been separated from their mother. It sucked.

When I got in the car I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Internally I felt hollow, like someone had come in and scooped out everything and I was just waiting to be filled up again.

After grocery shopping, and very slowly I at that, I came home and the feeling persisted. I stumbled across another astrology blog post and more clarity was provided. The warnings I have been receiving about the end of this year were spelled out in the stars.

The first thing I noticed was Libra retrograde, which just happened a few days ago. In fact, the weirdness I have been feeling matched up almost perfectly. I’m thinking now, “Come on Universe, wtf gives? What is with all these damn retrograding planets!!??” But then I know this has been going on all my life so it is not just a planet doing all this. There is something much bigger at work and it just so happens the planets reflect all that.

So it looks like right now’s the time to look within and really be honest with myself (sigh). That is exactly what I woke up knowing yesterday and the entire day seemed to pummel me with “reality”. It is suggested in the post linked above that I do some writing about the people in my life and how I am helping/hindering them and vice versa. I need to really look at what is there without pretending it is something else.

The rest of this year is gonna be a challenge, too. 😦

Signs and Dreams 

When I got home from grocery shopping, my kids helped me unload the car and my daughter nearly stepped on this:

wolf spider

When I saw this spider I was immediately fascinated by it. It was so big! When I got closer to take a pic I realized her abdomen was covered in tiny babies! Amazing!

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Fascinated, I watched her it for a while. It is a female Wolf spider. They are common around here. They are venomous and known to bite, so I just observed her for a while and left her alone.

I knew this spider was a message. Turns out Wolf spiders do not spin webs. They stalk their prey like tarantulas. So no surprise that their primary gift and message is timing. Their message is to wait for the perfect time before taking action. They remind us that all we desire in life is coming to fruition but we must step back and allow it to take hold in a solid foundation.

Moving too soon will undermine all my hard work. I have to wait and will Know when the time is right to take action. OMG I am so tired of getting this message!! But I really, really love this spider. Isn’t she beautiful? And how she tends to her young, keeping them on her back until they are strong enough to survive on their own….that is a message in and of itself.

Last night at bedtime my heart was sore and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know there are contracts that need to be concluded but I am not the only one involved and though I feel ready to act I cannot until there is agreement/readiness from all. There is this stuckedness that I feel that bothers me. I try to accept it and surrender but the impatience surfaces time and time again. I can see the possibility in front of me but I cannot get to it yet. It tends to make me apathetic. I can see the finish line but am walking in place, as if on a treadmill, no closer to the end than I was ten years ago.

I was asked if I wanted to continue my healing work and I agreed. I also reaffirmed past intentions, intentions I have had for a very long time now.

Dream: Mansion

My dreams were strange. In one I was in a mansion (current relationship is in a rut), one I have visited before in my dreams – dark wood paneling and grand furnishings. My husband’s aunt, who lives in Georgia, had invited us to her home (which is like a mansion, they are millionaires). She bought up all his paintings (intuition, need for self-expression) and then auctioned one of them off for $35,000! We were asked to move there and I told her that the house was too big, that it didn’t make sense to me to be so separated from my children.

Then I walked up to a lever that was used to lock (ability to get what I want) and unlock the front door. I wound it and then clicked it in place. The door unlocked and I felt very satisfied, almost giddy.

Then I was at a party and there were people (need to enjoy myself) everywhere drinking and mingling. I remember trying to find my husband and being told where he went. I walked outside to get him and to my right was a group of children playing miniature golf (indulgences). A woman had come with me and asked if I wanted to play. I said no when I saw the golf clubs had basketballs (teamwork is needed) on the ends that rolled and made it very hard to direct the golf ball.

I located my husband passed out in a booth with several other grown men (loss of awareness). He had gotten really drunk (seeking escape from some situation). Two women were playing a card game (ability to strategize) at the table. I was invited to play and watched very carefully to see what the game was. I did not recognize it. I could see the card’s numbers and suites but they were not normal playing cards. The woman asked if I knew how to play and I told her I did not. She laughed and said it was easy to learn. The last thing I recall is seeing the deck of cards with their numbers added up – 9 + 3 = 12.

Dream: Old Rugged Cross

Then the dream shifted and I was inside a room with my husband’s aunt and a group of others. It felt like we were in a chapel (things I hold sacred) with the same dark wood paneling as the mansion. There was a little girl with us, she looked like I did as a child (my inner child). The discussion was about a pair of flip flops with My Little Pony on them. It shifted into talking about the toy ponies. I remembered my childhood and how much I loved My Little Pony and told my aunt that I had a pair of flip flops (ability to relax, unable to make a decision) that had the ponies (unexplored, undisciplined aspect of self) on them that I use to look at in school and daydream (excessively worried about a situation) about. I explained that I would finish my assignments before everyone else and often got bored so daydreaming (seeking escape) was my way of passing time. The memories made me happy.

Then someone began to sing a familiar hymn. When I recognized it, I sang along. My heart lifted as I sang and I could hear my voice within the dream. I knew the lyrics by memory and the part, “I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it some day for a crown….” woke me up.

Music Messages

When I woke I was feeling down and hopeless. I wondered, “Why do I keep hearing this song in my dreams!?” Then I realized it was because it feels as if I am carrying a cross on my back, a burden that is mine alone to bear. It felt so unfair yet at the same time it seemed like my duty. I know that anyone who knows me would not believe I was carrying a burden. But I am. Every day, all day. Some days I don’t know how I manage, but somehow I do. The song promises that one day I will be rewarded but the wait and the burden seems unbearable at times.

The messages from the previous day indicated that I needed to wait as well. Despite knowing what needs to be done I also know it may be a while before I will be able to act. I see what I want but have a rope tied around my waist and am being pulled back.

Another song came to mind as I lingered in the in-between going over my dreams, their messages and my Knowing. The specific part that I heard was, “I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space….”

 

 

 

 

Diamond in the Rough

How was your October 1st? Did it feel different than September?

For me the word that describes yesterday best is: refreshing. 🙂

Probably because I am sleeping so well now. Ha!

Now that the lessons of September have made themselves known to me and I have digested them enough to really grok them, I am feeling much more positive and optimistic about October. So change is coming? When isn’t it?!?

More Signs – Everything is Gonna Be Okay

All day yesterday I was receiving signs from the universe in various shapes and forms. As usual, I was not looking for them yet they appeared obvious to me nonetheless and left me with a feeling of awe at life, the beauty and complex simplicity of it all (purposeful oxymoron there :)).

I had to go into work because the ransomware attack left the company’s computer system a mess and once again QuickBooks was down. Thankfully, I was able to drop Elek (my youngest) with my SIL. This was out of the ordinary since on Mondays and Tuesday I usually work from home because my SIL is unavailable. On the way from my SIL’s house to work a song came on that seemed to echo in my head and brought about this “frozen time” feeling (sign of a message coming through). Here’s the song:

It reminded me that I choose how I feel. And so, right there, I chose to be happy in the moment, to count my blessings and not allow life to get me down. Perfect song don’t you think?

The day went about fine and I headed home early. I took Monty on a walk and came across this:

Photo

The picture makes it hard to see, but on the walk what I saw in those tiny flowers was obvious: a heart. There were no other flowers in the grass except the ones in the picture. It was like they grew specifically to form the shape of a heart for me. ❤ Can you see it?

Later I went to the social run. The woman I invited couldn’t join me because of a work issues, so I went alone. As I drove the heaven’s opened up in a torrential downpour and I thought for sure I would be running in the rain. But as I approached my destination a magnificent rainbow spread across the sky. I could see it in it’s entirety. I couldn’t take a picture while driving or I would have.

When I got to the run the rain stopped and the skies cleared. As the group started running I saw the rainbow was still present, though fading. At the end of the run it was still there but brighter. It felt like a good omen to me that the rainbow followed me to the run and was there to greet me even at the end.

rainbow 10.1.18

I ended up staying at the store for a foam rolling seminar and headed home later than expected. My youngest had been very upset by my absence, so I came home and gave him lots of hugs. ❤ He is so good at giving hugs!

This morning I awoke with the song above on my mind – Specifically, “Happy, happy, happy, happy…..” lol

Dream – Diamond in the Rough

I had a dream that seems significant, though I cannot pinpoint how just yet.

In the dream I was attending a wedding where the guests stayed overnight after the reception. My husband and I were looking for a bed (seeking domestic security and happiness) and wandered around trying to find one that was somewhat private. I saw beds of all shapes and sizes in all kinds of locations. Some were draped with curtains for privacy, others had velvet pillows and luxurious covers, some were out in the open and some were even outdoors. We had not reserved a room (bed) so we were just looking for one no one was in. I remember my husband being very flirtatious and me reciprocating, which is unusual in my dreams.

We found a couple of beds we liked. He got in one and I got in the other, both of us trying to convince the other they had the better bed (different ideas about how to reach goal of domestic happiness). Eventually all the other guests started arriving and we had to move out of the way and let them go to their reserved beds. One woman stopped me and started chatting. She was older and wearing eccentric clothing. She was carrying with her a bunch of buttered toast and cookies she had stolen from the buffet. She left the toast (simple things in life) on a table and took the cookies (indulgences). I remember picking up the squished toast and thinking it gross (rejecting simplicity).

At one point I went outside and it turned into my mom’s back porch (my social self or facade). There, sitting on small table, was a birdhouse (my personal house and home). The top was opened up (guidance from higher source is being received) and I could see a nest (opportunity, family potential) inside. I peered closely at it thinking it should be closed so that the birds would feel safe. As I was thinking this a very large dragonfly (something is not as it seems) flew so close I could hear its wings beating. Fascinated. I grabbed my phone to take a picture. As I focused in on the dragonfly a stream of misty water (clarity, cleansing, renewal) got in the way from a fountain I had not seen. The dragonfly’s wings sparkled in the mist and it took off. I looked back at the birdhouse and the dream seemed to freeze frame. I knew I needed to pay attention. The roof was open, split down the middle to form two perfectly identical sides. In the middle was a perfect little nest. I can still see it in my mind.

Back inside I saw the bride sitting over hundreds of very tiny boxes. She was folding up notes and inserting them. I asked what they were and she said, “Thank you cards.”

Later on in the dream the bride had given birth (potential) but lost track of her baby. Someone said to her, “Don’t you know you need to take care of your baby?”

There was an entire sequence here about a twin that is mostly lost to me now. All I recall is waking up talking with a guide about various topics to include looking to my own life for what I want. Something like, “My resistance is causing a persistence that will vanish upon acceptance”. “Diamond in the rough” also comes to mind. I specifically remember being asked to think of how my husband made me feel in the dream. The scene where we were looking for a bed came to mind. I felt an attraction to my husband but rejected those feelings. I was asked to consider why.

I was reminded of the song above and the line, “room without a roof.” I believe it relates to the birdhouse without a roof.

7 things you never knew about dragonflies | MNN - Mother ...

Observations and Considerations

Recent experience has shown me that even the most “spiritually advanced” individuals are still human. Human nature – Ego, belief systems and conditioning – still comes through in their preferences and personality. It is unavoidable. Unconditional love exists, but in human form it is rare because survival dictates preference (choice/selection) and preference results in conditions being placed on circumstances and people. In my experiences thus far, I can only find lack of condition present in a parent’s love for their children. I sense my ability to expand this to other relationships but I am finding others unable to reciprocate because of their very human conditioning. For me, the removal of conditions from a relationship feels like freedom. To others it feels like a threat, it lends to lack and lack is not pro-survival.

For example, a man may place the condition of monogamy on his partner because it ensures his mate will not stray from him. This is common in men because women are selective and have the upper hand in mate selection.

Anyway, it is obvious to me (again) that humanity has a very long way to go. I have Remembered how it can be but I cannot force that reality on anyone who is not yet ready to embrace it. I feel much like I was born into the wrong time and place but I cannot let that feeling overwhelm me or lead me into a depressed, apathetic state. It is what it is. I can accept it or reject it. I choose acceptance even though it is difficult.