I have been struggling these last few days with the apathetic feeling as well as with a feeling of being “done”. I feel smothered by my life and unable to escape. I know that this trapped feeling is caused by my own thoughts but I seem not to be able to get the feeling to go away. No amount of yoga, meditation, or exercise helps for very long.
Last night I went to bed asking for help on this matter. I do not like feeling like this and, honestly, I feel as if all the progress I seemed to have made back in December has been destroyed. My guide reminded me that this is normal. “Two steps forward, one step back. It does not mean you are not succeeding. You are learning, adapting and becoming stronger“. Yeah, well, it sucks. That doesn’t feel like progress, it feels like wading through muck.
Three Dreams and a Decision
Similar to the prior night, last night I awoke four or more times in the night. This time, however, I recalled the dreams I had been having prior to waking up.
Dead Chickens and Geese
The first dream I awoke from was a weird one. I had been left in charge of my mother’s chickens. My job was to feed and water them and make sure they were okay. They were inside a large pen and it was pretty crowded. There was small chicks, adult chickens and adult geese.
I had not checked the birds in several days when I went to check on them. To my disbelief, I found three large, white chickens and two white geese dead. Their bodies were torn apart all over the pen while the other birds pecks around and seemed to not notice. I did not want to mess with the mess so I called my husband to help. I dreaded telling my Mom but knew I would have to.
I could not figure out what had killed the birds. My husband and I inspected the pen and the only place where something could have gotten in was a hole through the laying boxes. I concluded that a raccoon or opossum must have come in and killed them. I told my mom and all was okay.
To see dead chickens in a dream indicates a decision to no longer be cowardly. To see dead geese suggests a decision to stop being domesticated. The baby chickens indicate that perhaps I have other fears that are “growing” that will need to be tended to later.
Unexpected Guests
In the next dream I recall I was inside an unfamiliar house. It was mine, though. I walked through it and surveyed it, noting it was quite nice and had a very calming, healing energy to it. I went outside and walked along the stone patio to the back. I saw a nicely manicured green lawn and a small, stone and mortar wall. There were large trees whose trunks and lower branches were painted a rusty red. I wondered about it but decided it didn’t matter. I also saw three cats roaming about. They were friendly and I wanted to pet them but they would not come close enough. To the left was a huge lake, the waters were dark and there was a ripple of a current. I decided I liked it there.
I went back toward the house and ran into people I did not know. They were asking me for popcorn, saying my husband had told them we had some. I assumed my husband had invited them and so was pleasant but told them I did not have any popcorn. They had a cooler with them and one man pulled out a beer. They walked around the house and yard as if they were viewing it as a potential purchase. I watched them for a while and then approached the man when they were outside. I was eating popcorn and explained all we had was a tiny amount. I showed him this and then offered them all some Christmas popcorn. They were not interested.
The men were looking over the edge at the lake below and asked if we had ever swam in it. I said no. Then the men decided to go down to swim and all were preparing to follow. There was a woman with a small, blonde headed girl and two men total.
The men went down and walked along the sewer pipe that led from the house. I remember looking at it and seeing the patio. I recalled that there once was a pool there but it was now gone. I wondered what had happened to it.
I followed the men down to the lake 
and saw that the water was flowing more rapidly than it appeared. The man was going to jump in and I suggested a spot. He pointed to something and when i looked I saw that the water was full of antique gas pumps of varying colors and shapes. It was like a gas pump graveyard!
The house in this dream symbolizes aspects of myself. I focused upon the healing aspects the most. The tree suggests I have solid foundations to build upon. The water represents emotion and since it is dark the emotion is unknown or unexpressed. The water becomes more rapid, though not overly, which suggest the emotion is growing in intensity. The uninvited guests symbolize new challenges and interests in life The popcorn indicates positive growth and new ideas. Finally, the fuel pumps indicate untapped energy that is waiting to be utilized.
Decision
I awoke from this dream in a sour mood. I was still feeling unable to cope with my life and feeling trapped by it. The feeling is hard to describe but I will say it is very uncomfortable. I admit I thought of some not so good solutions to try and avoid the problem. However, I suddenly was hit with an idea – I needed to take a week vacation by myself. I just needed to go somewhere alone by myself for a while to get away.
I immediately thought how purposeless that would be because I would just return to the same life I left. Nothing would change. I began to get caught up in the hopelessness of my situation (or at least it seems so to me) and thought about escaping in the night never to return. I love my family, my children, but I recognized that there is a part of me that does not enjoy parenting or being an adult. I recalled a few past lives that confirmed why I had these feelings but pushed them away. I recognized that it is OK to feel like I do. I am not bad to feel this way and I can leave anytime I want. Oh it is so tempting!
After thinking upon this for a while I recalled good ol’ karma. Now I am not sure that karma even exists, but I do know that I have a very strong purpose when it comes to my family. I just cannot leave my children and my husband never to return. This would go against my agreement to them. I don’t know how I know this, but I do. I could do it, nothing says I can’t, but the feeling is that I need to fulfill my part. This is important to me as well as to them. I don’t know the full extent of it, but the feeling does not lie. It says, “The only way out is through”. If I want this cycle to be done, I need to go through this and fulfill my part for whatever reason.
So I returned to the idea of a week long vacation. I decided it was a good, temporary solution. It would offer me relief and give me something to look forward to. Also, I would need to plan this out and planning trip is something I have done in the past with great success. It could be fun. But where would I go? What would I do? This, I feel, will come to me. All I need to do now is making the decision. So it is made. I will plan to take a trip alone during Spring Break. I asked my husband if this would be okay and he said it would be.
Any suggestions as to what I should do? I thought maybe I could visit the Monroe Institute. Or maybe there is somewhere else that would be better? A warm place would be nice and a place where I can meditate, sleep, and be surrounded by beauty and positive energy.
Lavish Hotel
I fell back to sleep after making my decision and jumped into a semi-lucid dream. I was walking with my mother down our road. To the left I saw a huge hotel that had been built. It was at least 12 stories high with windows that reflected the light like mirrors. It had a silvery-blue sheen to it and was quite grand.
I remarked to my mother about this and she pointed ahead. I saw a large shopping center being constructed. I was very excited to see this and know that our small town would be booming soon because of this new development.
We decided to go into the hotel to look around. We went up to the top floor where we stood for a while in awe of the grandeur of the place. The walls were white with gold trim and the ceilings were domed and high.
We saw that the entire top floor was a fine restaurant. We stood in line and decided we just wanted dessert. A waiter came to us and recommended something. He said he would bring it to us and so we waited in the waiting area. As we waited, a man, his wife and children were sitting near us. The man was eating dessert and his son was climbing all over. I watched him and his children and thought of my own.
A hotel indicates a shift in perception is occurring and that old habits need to be replaced with new thinking. It also indicates the need for a vacation. Eating dessert represents enjoying life, indulgence or temptation.
Living Life in Between 