Erased

Sleep was delayed last night and I didn’t care. For some reason my mind was highly active but my thoughts were scattered. The main thing I remember is thinking I was not happy but not knowing why and imagining myself opening up to someone, pouring my heart out and crying. Yet in reality no tears could be found even after searching for them. With this came a familiar realization – nothing really matters. This is just a grand play and am I but an actor on this stage called Earth.

Dream: Teacher Program

Sleep was deep when it finally came. I had had a dream where I was sitting in a room with other applicants to a teaching program. We mingled beforehand and a buffet (working through guilt) was set out haphazardly with food set in front of each applicant. I walked up to one man who was a history buff. He had a plate full of strawberries (feminine qualities and sexuality) and small mint (to calm, soothe) candies, an odd combination for sure. I took a handful making sure to limit the strawberries. It appears I am looking to soothe and calm my feminine sexual side in this portion of the dream.

Then I was sitting with the group as someone discussed with us the process and paperwork was passed out. I don’t recall seeing paperwork but knowing there would be assignments and that I had done it all before. There was a flash of a computer screen and a typical reflective question with columns to fill in. It reminded me of the online program I was in to receive my master’s degree. My thoughts here centered on my not wanting or needing to go through the process all over again. I thought about always having to “jump through hoops” and an apathetic feeling about it all. It just didn’t feel worth all the work. This part of the dream seems an overview of the past. Perhaps I am looking at my options?

At some point I was asked to talk about myself and I revealed that I had been on a two year break to stay home with my son. I remember repeating the part about my son as if I were uncertain and trying to remind myself of it. The woman was looking through my file and said, “I see you use to work at _______. That’s a rough school.” She seemed impressed. I confirmed that I had worked there but that I did not find it rough at all. The other students were listening in and it felt as if they were envious of my prior experience and curious to see if I would get a job on the spot. Possibilities are being discussed. New opportunities may be on the horizon.

More Astrology

This morning I woke early without the drowsy, heavy feeling I’ve become use to over the last week. It is clear that I am in an adjustment period, integrating the energies from the last few weeks. My guidance is very quiet and distant. The Kundalini is quiet.

This morning another astrology post was in my WP reader feed with more about Libra retrograde and the new moon. The following excerpt seemed applicable:

The Sun, Moon and Ceres oppose asteroid Amor (16 Aries) and trine Okyrhoe (16 Aquarius)

Amor reminds us to weigh the needs of justice and relationship in equal proportion to the self. Very often, we are guilt tripped into erasing ourselves from the equation, as we are told to give it all up for others. Whilst this behavior can be altuistic – it becomes damaging to the self when taken too far. If a relationship requires you to erase yourself (which is very different from ego-dissolution), you really have to ask yourself if this is what allows you to express your innermost Essence? If that question scares you, ask yourself why.

Okyrhoe´s role in this story is to remind us that we can, once again, open the doors to gifts long-denied, by acknowledging patterns in our upbringing that we tend to repeat in relationship dynamics. However, remember to allow others to draw their own conclusions, without foisting your view of reality upon them. But remember that you have the same privilege. Whilst the idea is to build bridges towards a shared understanding, it does not mean tossing one´s own view of things away in favour of someone else´s agenda. Source

The first paragraph is me in a nutshell. In my most recent forecasts, two different astrologers pointed out that my chart indicates such a conflict (lesson) in my life. I can’t recall the specifics but I think the positions of the planets Jupiter and/or Saturn is to blame here. This conflict is very real to me right now and has been for several years.

When I read this post this morning my feeling about it was neutral. My tendency, time and time again (pattern thus far) is to choose others over myself. This is not only because of the overwhelming guilt I feel for being “selfish” but also because I often do not know what I want for myself. I have become so use to adopting the wants/needs/desires of those I love that I have forgotten myself and my own wants/needs/desires in the process.

Thus far I have felt stuck to my current position in life. It feels like I have a bungee cord attached to me and when I wander too far away I am pulled straight back to it. My conclusion has been that I am bound to my current situation because of soul contracts and only when they are complete will that cord be cut, and only if I so desire it. But if I consider the above mentioned then it makes me wonder about my previous conclusions. Perhaps I am just too afraid to reach for what I want for fear of letting down those I love?

If I look back on my life I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. As a child and teenager I chose to do what I felt would best benefit my family, or make them happy, not me. I convinced myself that my choices were my own, but in reality I had no idea what I wanted so I did what my mom/family suggested I do. When I got married to my ex I did the same. His wants/needs/desires came over my own.

When single and on my own for a very short 4 years, I struggled. Without another as my anchor I felt adrift, floating from here to there looking for myself. I can’t say I made much progress. 😦

In my current relationship I continue to do the same. The pattern continues.

Honestly, I must say that without a partner or a close family member who I feel a similar connection to, I do not know what to do with myself. I feel without purpose and lost. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it just is what it is. The challenge would be to purposefully go it alone. This would force me to do things for me, right?

But my past experience of doing this was struggle. I left my ex-husband because I had lost (erased) myself in favor of building him up. At the time it felt like my ex was the cause of my misery, keeping me from what I wanted. I did survive my time alone. I did do those things I felt he was keeping me from, but it was short-lived. I had my spiritual awakening six months after leaving him and suddenly all those things I wanted were no longer an interest to me. It was like I was re-set.

So what do I do about this pattern? I have no idea. Maybe I will go to my grave with this unresolved. I feel unable to move beyond it. The pattern thus far shows that I reach a point where I feel suppressed by the person(s)/situations that I sacrifice myself to/for. The feeling often leads to resentment and a breaking point is reached. Perhaps the solution is to find balance somehow before a breaking point becomes the only option? Or maybe I have already let it go too far….

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Eros, Psyche and Sappho

Right after I wrote my last post about receiving the date of October 27th, I happened upon an astrology blog post that listed the astrological events for the rest of the year. And guess what? October 27th made the list.

It said, “Sappho station at 27 Gemini”.

Of course, that meant absolutely nothing to me. lol So I went digging, Googling Sappho and ran into Eros and Psyche along the way.

I got a bit distracted by Eros and Psyche. Pretty interesting stuff.

Here is the first site I found: Eros, Psyche and Sappho Sign Table. Problem is, I never found the Sappho table. Sure wish I could find it…. I think they accidentally wrote “Sappho” in the page address because the actual title of the page reads, “Eros and Psyche Sign Tables”.

Eros = God of erotic love (I like him already).
Psyche = Goddess of the Soul.

Knowledge of their positions by sign can give us insight into how individuals express their erotic and romantic impulses, and the type of sexual and romantic chemistry that is generated between two people.

That hooked me. I had to look up the sign Eros and Psyche was in when I was born…and then I had to look up the signs of my husband….and then someone else…well you get the idea. lol

Results

Drumroll…….

Eros = Gemini
Psyche = Leo (I’m awesome)

So Ero in Gemini has these characteristics which ALL describe me and I laughed out loud when I read them:

They can be turned on by spoken and written words (didn’t know this until recently).
They tend to talk during sex (well now you know). 
It’s hard to turn off their minds and let go when having sex (sad but true).

I couldn’t find what Psyche in Leo is like. I suspect it somewhere along the lines of selfish and egotistical but also very expressive and caring. Since my sun is in Leo I know how all that goes.

My husband is:

Eros= Aries
Psyche = Cancer

Eros in Aries – These people instinctively and quickly become infatuated. Their sexual attractions are formed quickly and they get off on the sensations of the moment in an intense manner. These lovers may seem a little erratic to others, simply because their passions rise and fall so quickly. They are not as giving and emotional in their sexual expression, but they are passionate while it lasts. Eros in Aries people are attached to the sensations of the moment and may see their partner as an object, or an extension of themselves. They often prefer to do the pursuing in relationships and may be addicted to the conquest. Source

Not saying anything about this except, “Yep.” He may disagree, though (likely).

There is a cool Love Sign Compatibility Grid where you use the Eros and Psyche signs to find out your compatibility with your partner. When I used it for me and my husband I got the colors beige and magenta (depending on whose Eros and Psyche I use). Beige is not understanding each other’s love styles. Magenta is HOT. So maybe we are hot and cold depending on our mood, which seems about right, too.

I did other partner’s I’ve had but I’ll save you from that one. It was just for fun and spot on just the same. One particular one was double Magenta. Sigh.

Anyway, see why I got distracted? Back on track……I was looking for Sappho….

I finally looked up where Sappho is in my chart and found it is at 24 Aries 58′ 39″. Not sure what that means entirely but at least I found it.

All this because of the October 27th date coming up in my dream. What do I make of it? Well, if Sappho is the astrological event of that day, maybe the message is related to love? I can’t be sure but I am hoping it is not related to the lesbian theme popping up in my life of late. Ha! If so, jokes on me I guess….again.

 

Hello Belief. Goodbye Belief.

How are you handling the blood moon total eclipse and full moon energies? How about all the planets in retrograde? lol Crazy, right?

I have been reading “rebirth” as the theme of these times. Some are saying this is a total life change type of rebirth, like heading in a totally new direction in life via unexpected pathways. Thing is, it is not easy to tell just yet because it is isn’t over. There is another eclipse – a partial solar eclipse – on August 11th.

I am also reading that during this time life will bring up unresolved past issues in unexpected ways. A similar message came to me via dreamtime indicating I may run into issues from 2010. I can’t even recall much of 2010 so IDK. lol I am sure life will remind me when the time is right.

Finally, “emotional” is another word I am reading frequently. This full moon will bring “heightened emotions” for all signs of the zodiac, etc, etc. Thing is, don’t all full moon’s have the tendency do this?

For me, personally, I have already indicated that I am not noticing too much myself. Yeah, I have had a couple of emotionally intense dreams and some irritation at too much random noise (talking especially), but otherwise things are pretty smooth-going and calm for me. In fact, things are looking pretty darn good. Based on the way my life has been going, I have to say all this retrograding is great and I like it. And the full moon eclipse brought me my first OBEs in ages, so I am happy with it, too. I say bring it on and keep it going because it is awesome. lol

It is always interesting to me how everyone jumps onto the current bandwagon (eclipses, retrograde planets and now Lion’s Gate) and makes a big deal in their own way. This happens every.single.year – well since I started following blogs and being more active online (around 2014). I wonder sometimes why everyone gets so excited over these types of things especially since they have been occurring since the beginning (of Earth, of physical Time as we know it). If I think back to before my awakening and compare how I felt then to now (energy-wise), it hasn’t changed. The only thing that has changed is that now I know such things are happening behind-the-scenes. Beyond that, it is still the same.

Image may contain: sky, cloud and outdoor

Real-time shot of the sun that morning.

Recently I had a talk with my husband about the universe sending us “symbols” and “signs”. He doesn’t believe in such things, really, but he got a sign nonetheless and I pointed it out to him because, well, that is what I tend to do. lol The way it happened is he and I opted to have breakfast together before work one morning last week. As we drove to the restaurant, the sky opened up and gave us a beautiful show that lasted the entire drive. It brought me joy and I mentioned it but my husband kept talking away (as he tends to do) about current issues and life stuff.

At a stop light he stopped talking, turned and touched something I couldn’t see. He said, “Look at this! See this tiny worm? It’s on a string! I wonder what kind of worm it is?” I looked and saw it was a tiny inch worm. I told him it was a message and that I could look it up for him. He said, “I don’t believe in that kind of thing.”

What he does believe in is that we are the cause of everything we experience. I pointed this out to him and asked if he could consider then that the worm was placed there by him and the reason for it’s placement was known by him, if he only chose to look/listen. I asked him to consider what it meant to him. He didn’t answer but was pensive for a while. His main take from the whole conversation was that the universe has much to show us if we would only stop and pay attention.

Later, I looked up the inchworm symbolism and low and behold it fit him and his situation perfectly. I sent him an email and we had a good laugh about it later.

The whole point of this story is that none of it matters – the astrological events, the eclipse, Lion’s Gate, ascension, etc – unless you think it does. Period. There is no “right” or “wrong” about it. It just IS. If you choose to notice, then you will see. If you choose to hear/receive a message, then you will hear. If you believe Lion’s Gate will blow your world apart or rain blessings down upon you, then it will. Rebirth? Why not? Just believe it and it will BE.

For me, it is easy to say, “Well I didn’t know any of this until my guidance brought it to my attention. Otherwise, I would never have known about a ‘rebirth’ and the ‘opportunity’ coming my way.” But this is not true. This is just the human part of me playing the game of “not knowing” in order to experience “not knowing”. Ultimately, we know ALL. There is nothing we don’t know unless we choose to not know. Chew on that for a while. It will throw your human mind/Ego into tantrums pretty quickly. lol

So, if you think this eclipse season is the reason for all you are experiencing right now – it is. And so is anything else you believe will come of it. If, by chance, you “sense” a negative experience arising from this belief, then you do have the ability to shift that to your advantage. The catch is, you must believe. hehe That means you have to undo your previous belief (meaning no longer believe) and institute a new one. Not an easy task and why we often get stuck and think that things are happening to us and we have no control over any of it. It can take many days/weeks/months even years to undo a belief!

What I have learned is that thinking and analyzing regularly leads to more complication. Surrender is the best route. This means tossing expectation (which is composed of belief) and just accepting in the moment what the universe has to show you in that moment. This all boils down to having no belief, which is humanly impossible (at least to my knowledge). Notice the emphasis on human. So try and give yourself a break and just enjoy the ride. We are human after all.

 

Rebirth and Inner Conflict

Rebirth. The messages continue to inundate my dreams. Last night I dreamed of a special plant that had giant seed pods on it. Each pod contained a beautiful cantaloupe orange fruit and a fully formed newborn baby. The plant itself completely dried up when the fruits were ripe. The whole dream centered around this fruit, it’s amazing taste (I ate some) and the babies that it birthed.

Babies everywhere: Rebirth. New opportunities.

In another dream I was dying my hair rainbow colors. It was twisted up tightly in a french braid.

Rainbow braid: I’m trying very hard to be optimistic, strong, confident and courageous right now.

Someone mentioned to me recently that there are currently 5 planets retrograde. I don’t know if this is true but I feel completely retrograded at the moment and it is only getting worse the closer I get to my solar return (Aug 4th). I would describe how I feel as exhausted – mentally, physically, emotionally. I sleep very deeply every night and my dreams dissipate upon waking except for a few strange images and symbols, left for my inspection I am sure. Like babies and fishing…and cryptic messages like, “This is it”. I often wake from these dreams with a decision. For example, after the cryptic message I felt I needed to take a break from everything internet related, be more real in my interactions and step away from all things spiritual. I nearly deleted all social media account apps from my phone after that, but didn’t. I figured it would just another fickle moment and I would change my mind again and again regardless, which I have more than once. I’m really messed up in that regard right now. I can’t seem to make up my mind about anything. I hate indecision.

Remember the dream I posted where there was a battle between Jupiter and Mars? I think it may have been a warning of an internal battle I was to fight in the future. This morning I read this post indicating that Mars is really close to Earth right now, a
“fifteen year approach”. The post also mentions we are going through a rebirth which I am certain is no coincidence considering all the baby symbolism and direct message of “you are being reborn” I’ve been getting.

The whole post seems to perfectly describe what I am going through right now, but specifically this:

The five-year Moira-Chaos Cycle is about how much Choice we put into Reaching for our Dreams, and on a deeper level, whether we even Give Ourselves Permission to Dream, or just let our Karmic Limitations control the Edges of our Life.  Nothing we can do about it, it’s just The Way It Is.  We can fantasize all we want, but on this Planet, those are just Immature Longings.  Just think how much it would Disrupt our nicely organized Life if we followed those Longings.  We’d probably be arrested, and certainly ostracized.  Those Longings aren’t even Real, they’re too weird.

That’s the way we Justify our Limits to ourself so we don’t have to take a Risk and Break Out.  That’s our Choice, isn’t it.  To not rock the boat, to not be Crazy.  To not Betray anyone.  Except Ourself.  It’s easier to leave those dead fronds on the Palm Tree, isn’t it.  That ladder looks dangerous.  God, they’ll Freak Out, won’t they.

 So, we’re Stuck, aren’t we.  We can’t Betray our Commitments – what will that do to our Karma?  And we can’t Betray Ourself – our Deepest Desires are too Deep to Let Go.  What can we do?

All of the above describes my inner “fight” right now. My inner dialogue is something like: “Follow my heart/longing….no, wait, don’t. Stay where I am….. God. I’m stuck. I have to stay because…(blah, blah, blah).” All this is intermixed with a longing I cannot describe except to say that it is like a magnet at times but my response to it is always, “Not yet. I can’t yet.” It is so infuriating and…exhausting.

Jupiter Facts for Kids | Cool2bKids

A sneak peak at my astrological year (2018) said that I would experience a “mid-life crisis” and supported all of the indecisiveness and inner conflict I’ve been experiencing this year. The horoscope suggests I not make any hasty decisions and ride out this year without making any drastic moves. It suggests I really think about career moves and any move I make before I make it. Thinking now, though, leads to indecision mostly. I am pulled in two directions always making a decision seem impossible. My interpretation of this feeling is to do nothing; make no change.

I have already recognized that I am struggling to reconcile the completion of “karmic” contracts with an intense longing that pulls me away. The two tugging me in opposite directions. Constantly. It is agonizing at times. It would be nice to be out on that boat on the bay again, lulled into serenity by the gentle waves. Sigh.

Ultimately we have to just let go and allow the process to unfold, and that is what I am doing. The job I mentioned previously which had seemed to be dematerializing has presented itself for my taking  – which I already knew would happen so was not concerned really. I am not surprised that this path presents itself at this time in my life. I had asked for work that could help pave a path away from my previous career path – education – and that would open doors to me working from home. This job does everything I asked for. All I have to do is accept it and show up for work with my husband in the morning. I am not excited, though. I had hoped for work far away from home and family, something to give me an excuse to leave and relieve myself from my karmic responsibilities. This does none of those things. If anything it leads to resolution of some of that karma.

Similarly, I have chosen not to go to Atlanta in the Fall. I can go another year or to another seminar. There is one in Boulder next year if I want to go. I can’t go to Atlanta for various reasons. Mainly, I can’t go because the feelings that arise from just the idea of going are too chaotic and unstable. I would not be balanced if I went, that is obvious to me. The inner “fight” would be prolonged if I went.

The solution is given in the post I linked above. Ask for both karmic debts to be paid and inner longings to be met. Then trust that it will be. I have been asking this for some time and if I look into my core Self I know that it will be as I have asked. I just need to be patient, follow the path ahead using my heart as a compass, and keep the faith. But my human self views time as her enemy, as something she is working against. Evidence of it everywhere – my body aging by the day, skin sagging, more aches and less vibrancy; desire is diminished; apathy setting in with each mundane task that must be completed.

Life truly is a fight right now for me. Or a test. However you put it, it is difficult.

Mid-life crisis. LOL

 

Managing the Shifts

If you haven’t noticed, there is a lot going on right now energetically and it is trickling down into the physical in numerous ways. My personal experience with this shifting energy initially threw me into a mini-tail-spin but I am back on course now with a little nudging from my guidance. You can read about it here – Reminder: Mission Comes First.

The summer solstice is just around the corner. Personally, I don’t find the solstice to be a big deal and often forget about it altogether. It is the same for the equinoxes for me. Just another day in the year. However, there are some major astrological events shaking things up right now that have been coming to my attention (syncs) quite appropriately. You can read my friend Linda’s recent post to get an idea of some of the astrological events. This is also a great astrological post to reference if you’re interested –  “At present, the Sun is at 27 Gemini, making its annual opposition to the Galactic Center (27 Sagittarius). This year, Ixion (The Tyrant) conjuncts the Galactic Center, making this energy more challenging to navigate.”

A major change I noticed in myself were that I tend to not handle life’s BS as well as usual. One irritation is manageable but add anymore to that and it tends to push me over the edge. With the kids on summer break I have very little time to myself and am having to adjust to all the motion – and commotion – of three little Beings around me all.the.time. Plus, my husband was gone a full week for business the start of summer break and then again the next week for a couple of days. He also fills up his free time with projects, so it finally got to be too much for me this past weekend and I blew up in frustration over having absolutely no time to myself and feeling taken advantage of (again). With my Sagittarius moon most of the blow-up comes out of my mouth in extreme bluntness that tends to cut like a knife. After these blunt blow-ups I feel tons better and have no regrets because it needed to be said and heard.

Thankfully the intensity backed off a bit and by the end of the day yesterday I had a nice long talk with my husband that kept me up until near midnight (a rarity). It is not often that I go to bed after a talk with my husband thinking, “That was a nice”.

Despite all the energetic chaos of the past week/week-end today is calm and I even got a bit teary this morning after a chat with a fellow yogi on FB. The emotion was unexpected and connected to my current purpose/goal to get my body/mind/spirit in balance, the body being the most bent out of shape (literally). In the conversation it became clear to me that the entire left side of my body is lower (yep) than my right. Not only is it lower but it is tighter and more dysfunctional overall. Considering the left side of the body coincides with the feminine and the right to the masculine, it says a lot about me. Have I have been suppressing – holding back, beating down, tensing up in defense – the feminine and letting the masculine dominate? Probably.

Interestingly (another sync), the FB conversation came after I was once again second-guessing my intention to register for the Clubbell Yoga seminar in September. Last night during meditation and again upon waking I thought, “I keep avoiding registering for the seminar. I need to just do it.” Both times I opted to put it off until later. lol I keep back-pedaling because 1. the location puts me close to past events and people, 2. I don’t know if I can confront the energy of that particular location, 3. I am still feeling unprepared for the seminar and questioning my ability, 4. It’s scares the crap out of me all around. I keep telling myself, ” I can always do the seminar next year.” True but then should I?

I continue to be amazed at how yoga is expanding my awareness – awareness of my body but also of the connection between mind/body/spirit. Not only that but my body is responding, albeit slowly, as I re-train the muscle and joints out of dysfunctional patterns of movement into functional ones. There are moments, though, when I get frustrated because certain areas just don’t know how to relax and release never comes. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be relaxed in those areas either – that’s how long they have been tense!

But back on topic – the energy, its effects and how to manage them. There is a tendency for the Ego to rear it’s ugly head right now. For those who have gone through one or more Ego deaths this is a time to observe and manage the Ego. Keep it in check and if it gets out, pull it back in. Ask your guidance to help. All kinds of triggers will be available so just breathe through them to the best of your ability. Remember YOU (HS) are in charge.

Take time to yourself. As much as you need. Rest. Exhaustion is inevitable. I know I have been feeling it. I go from night’s of intense dreamwork to nights of exhaustion, sleeping so deeply that in the morning my dreams quickly fade from my memory.

Tune into your guidance as often as you can. They are there even though it may seem they have “abandoned” you (the Ego likes to play the victim). Ground. Be outside in nature or connect to the Earth in some way.

Breathe. When an event or a person triggers you, breathe before you react. A few breaths gives you a chance to calm yourself and let the thoughts go before they explode out of your mouth (my problem lol). If you still feel triggered then take a walk. Give yourself some space from the situation if you can. I know circumstances don’t always allow this so if you make a mistake be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself for being human. It happens. Ha!

Whenever possible tune into your body and your energy. How does it feel? Take note of it. Write it down even. Do this often. You will see changes and patterns. For example, when I am upset my shoulders tense, I hold my breath, I want to escape (thus the energy of my body does, too). Just learning to be aware of your body and your energy will lead to healing. Give it time. Give yourself time.

Finally, pay attention to the syncs/messages in life. Like the ones I mentioned above. Feelings and thoughts lead to interactions with others or coincidental happenings, little reminders to keep us on our path. The mind is full of booby traps. The heart isn’t.

You CAN do this!

Namaste,

Dayna

 

Message: Midheaven

So a 48 hour reprieve and I woke in tears again this morning. I wanted to write an extremely short post that said, “I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye.”  But then thought it might be taken the wrong way. Can’t have that, right? This agonizing, torturous whatever-it-is that I and others are going through reminds me of scenes from movies where they are torturing people to get them to confess. First they take off each finger nail, then the fingers, then the whole hand. In between the agony they make you feel like it’s going to be okay, it’s over and you can relax but just when you do they come at you smiling and say, “What’s next? How about we strangle you for a while?” lol

For some reason I am reminded of the film, The Railway Man, and the torture scenes from it. Great movie. For me to remember a movie long after I’ve watched it says something about the movie. For it to come to mind in regards to a spiritual process I am going through must mean there is a message in it. I will have to watch it again.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He left for California until the end of the week. Usually when he is gone my spiritual experiences skyrocket. I should have expected the purging to resume but had hoped for an OOB treat or maybe a visit from the heart bliss. So much for hope.

Dream

I awoke at 4:11am in pain. It felt like an IBS flare up and I had to suffer through the pain for a good 30 minutes to an hour. The pain was sharp and shot diagonally from just below my ribs all the way to the base of my spine. When I got up to use the bathroom my entire uterine area was aching just like it did when I was in labor. The pain was about a 5 out of 10, so manageable, but the discomfort was concerning. I realized that I was experiencing mittelschmerz (ovulation pain) and it was likely contributing to the IBS. FYI – neither IBS or ovulation pain is normal for me and definitely not at the same time!

Cursing my luck, I tried to sleep without much success. The pain in itself was bad enough but I was receiving Knowing/messages about the “meeting” while I was suffering through it. I don’t recall the meeting, but apparently a decision had been reached. I can’t recall specifics but I felt discouraged by it. Prior to sleep I had been asked to consider some options and specified my preferences. The decision appeared not to align with my preferences.

Somehow I fell to sleep while laying on my stomach (also unusual). I entered a vivid dream. In it I was walking along a sidewalk and a woman offered me some clothing for sale. At first I did not want it but reconsidered because I could tell she was “special”. I took the clothing and noticed she was holding two quarters in her hand and rubbing them up against each other. Her caretaker came and took her away. It was obvious she was not mentally stable.

Then I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car talking with a man. I can’t recall what he looked like now but he was dropping me off at a house. I remember noticing the clock and it was 7:12am. I told him, “It’s too early. They don’t let anyone in until 7:30.” He said, “That’s too bad. You’ll just have to wait.” He pulled up to the house behind another car. I knew the car belonged to the female home owner. The feeling from the man was that we were in a relationship but he wanted me to go. He was leaving me. I was upset about this but felt there was nothing I could do. So, I didn’t object or question him and got out of the car. As I walked toward the house he drove away.

I walked inside and the house was dark. I heard the woman ask me if I wanted anything to eat. I said I didn’t and walked toward the back of the house to my bedroom. For some reason it felt like I was going to stay there for a while – for the summer.

Inside the room I closed the door and just stood there a while. I was tired of crying, tired of trying, tired of living as if I were dying all the time. Just tired. The empty void that was my heart seemed to take over my entire body. I was like a zombie, going through the motions of living but completely dead to everyone and everything.

The entire time I was in the house a small child was with me. Sometimes the child seemed like a boy and other times like a girl. The child followed me around jabbering happily, oblivious to my plight. I seemed to exist only for this child and it reminds me very much of how I am in with my own children. If it weren’t for them I am not sure I would be alive now. They are often the only reason I get out of bed.

Also while standing there I was aware that others had arrived at the house. They were all staying there for the summer, like a summer camp. The owner and facilitator was my friend, Yvonne, and she was assigning everyone a job. I could see each “child” wearing a number and going about their assigned duties. I remained hidden in my room, though. All I wore was a nightgown, a long T-shirt.

In the room the child was still jabbering away. I saw the sun coming up through the window and realized I had to come out of my room and at least pretend to play my part. I went to the other end of the room where there were clothes hanging on a rack. I began to pick out clothing and selected a white tank top with an orange button down shirt that went over the top. There was too much clothing on my side (the right side) so I took some and put it on the other side where there were tiny clothes hanging. They appeared to be baby or toddler clothing for a little girl.

When I was dressed I looked at myself from outside myself. I wore blue jean capris that were so long that they looked like highwaters and with them I had on tennis shoes. I looked like a total dork. Normally I would fix the issue but in this case I didn’t care.

When I left my bedroom, child jabbering and following me, I entered the living area. It was dimly lit and there were three people present. I asked “Where is everyone?” I heard Yvonne say to me, “They haven’t arrived yet.” There was this young boy, maybe 12 years old, with dark skin, hair and eyes. He was talking excitedly and moving around a lot like he was hyperactive. He came up to me and mentioned the breakup with my boyfriend. Then he said, “(Unknown name) was talking about you. He said your hand smells.” I received an entire image in my mind from the boy. The person he was talking about was sitting in the back of the school bus and pointing to my right hand and laughing. The boy snickered and I looked at him like, Why do I care? I told him, “Okay. Whatever.” But in my mind I was thinking, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” Then I realized the boy was implying that I used my right hand to masturbate. lol I got a bit disturbed then but let it go. The person who said it was just trying to make light of my situation.

I remember looking past the living room to the kitchen on the other side. I saw Yvonne in the kitchen and on the other side of the counter was a very long, oval, mahogany conference table. I recall it vividly because it was so out of place.

I sat down in the living room and the man who I thought of as Yvonne’s husband began to talk to me. He didn’t look anything like Yvonne’s husband, though. He was a teacher of higher education and had books stacked around him. He asked me some questions. The first was inquiring about school and my upcoming graduation. I told him, “I don’t need to go to school anymore.” In my mind I saw that school was officially over on May 28th but my reaction to this was upset. I was not looking forward to school being over. I had this feeling like I did in high school. You know the fear feeling of, “What do I do now? I have to go out into the world all alone! I’m terrified and don’t know what to expect. Will I even make it?”

He asked me what I was studying and I said, “Psychology.” He smiled and said he liked the subject and motioned to all his college textbooks laying around him. I said, “I didn’t keep any of my textbooks from college. I might have kept the Psychology one, though.” He asked more questions and I remember saying, “I have to tell you, I’m 40 years old. I don’t need to go to college. I already have two degrees. I graduated a long time ago”. Confessing my age seemed to be a relief to me for some reason, like I had been pretending to be a teenager in school and it was exhausting me.  I recall being asked why I was there. I said, “I’m here to help the children.” I got nothing but acceptance from the man. He and his wife told me I was welcome there as a member of their staff and I could use my knowledge and abilities to help the children.

I woke up in tears and continued to cry for a while after waking. The feeling was that I had completed a section of my journey (graduated). I was devastated, though. It felt like everything was gone; like my hands were empty when they once had been so full. I could not get the tears to stop and the pain from earlier was still present. I had stabbing pain shooting through my midsection, a stuffy nose from crying and a feeling that my entire life was over.

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Midheaven

As I recovered from my upset I heard distinctly, “Midheaven.” I had no clue what it meant except that it is related to the spiritual.

So what is a spiritual midheaven? Apparently it is an astrological term relating to one’s career and the type of work one will do in their lifetime. I guess I am here to “help the children” as a teacher or counselor or……psychologist? Why does this not make me feel good? Shouldn’t it?

I had to review my astrological chart to find my midheaven. Mine is in Scorpio. Just hearing Scorpio makes me shutter. I immediately think of my Dad who was a double Scorpio. Talk about intense and secretive. It took me most of my life to come to terms with my relationship with him.

This is what I found about midheaven in Scorpio:

The willpower is highly developed in the Soul with this posit. Farsighted, often clairvoyant and prophetic the Soul walks a spiritual path of adeptness. In the mundane chart, this can be the posit of true leadership but the spiritual path dictates that power and all of its human ramifications be used to reform and rehabilitate for Scorpionic power which is Plutonic in nature is projected outward to the world. This Soul recognizes its omnipotence but also knows that in the light of Collective essence it is still in its infancy. The human side of the Scorpio Midheaven knows the value of ambition but the spirit understands the basic truth of the human condition. The human side strives for transition but the spirit strives for transformation. Evolving from the Cardinal Air essence of the Libran high ground of intellectuality, the Fixed Water essence of Scorpio knows that self awareness can only come from plunging into the depths of extreme positives and negatives and facilitating change on all levels. They will transverse the muck and mire of the most hidden parts of the psyche in order to understand first their own consciousness and then the Collective Consciousness in order to transmute the suffering of both themselves and others. When the path of spiritual destiny is not being followed, human tendencies to dictate, manipulate and oppress will result in crisis upon crisis leading to alienation and possible illicit activities. ~Source

If this doesn’t make me shake in my boots, then read what this site has to say about it:

This MC can manifest in various ways: to seek depth from social or work experiences; to be called upon to undergo a personal metamorphosis; to assume a potent, transformative position in society. Those with Scorpio on the Midheaven need to assume an authentic role, one of gravitas to face – and shed light on – some of life’s darker issues and taboos; to be aware of the political play at work; to recognize that Scorpio’s natural dependency on others does not have to be a symbiotic sign of weakness, but is, in fact, indicative of a common bond and commitment. The journey is a challenging one: there are issues of crisis and life and death, creativity and destruction, major (no-)turning (back) points, and rebirths after teetering perilously on the edge of self-annihilation. The calling of a Scorpio MC is self-mastery and to emerge as a shrewd player of the game with an awareness of the power of interdependency.

Yeah, it looks like I had it in for myself when I planned this life. WTF!? How many deaths will I have to go through? And I have no idea what my “authentic” role is nor do I want to go through any more crises of life and death or (no-)turning back points.

I suspect the message in hearing “midheaven” was to alert me to the fact that these cycles are normal for me and to expect more. It may also be a warning of what is to come. That feeling in the dream reminiscent of what a high school graduate feels after graduation is reflective of the next stage of my journey. Taking what I’ve learned and going out into the big-wide world all alone.

The dream seems to be a memory of the “meeting” I had with my Council, thus the council table in the middle of the kitchen. It appears that I am tired of pretending to be someone I’m not and that I am going to get to be myself for once. My job of “helping the children” could be literal, as in my own children and children in general. However, it could also be children as in those who are in this stage of development spiritually – children of Earth. Since my career in this lifetime has been centered on education and counseling of children, it could be that I am to continue with that. I have no desire to go back to that career, though. It makes me very tired to even consider it. So, what then? I have no clue and honestly at this point I don’t care. I am too old for this shit.

 

Neptune, Ruler of All Things Spiritual

Yesterday I experienced a HUGE shift during the middle of the day. After weeks (a month?) of intense emotion which pushed me to my absolute limit, haunting and sometimes disturbing dreams, and relentless hounding by my Team of guides, all of it went CALM and for the first time in a month I was feeling immense relief and smiling from ear-to-ear. I had the urge to paint for the first time in weeks as well and it was the creative outlet I needed to push past the last remnants of funk that have been clouding my days.

When I woke this morning I was smiling. Yeah. Woo-hoo! It’s about time! There was still a Knowing that some particularly difficult times are awaiting me, but I didn’t care. I was just happy to be alive and, for me, that is a rare thing!

This morning my good friend Litebeing commented on something I posted yesterday on FB. I had been considering deleting my entire online presence – disappearing completely from the internet, even deleting email accounts I’ve had for years. She commented that Neptune had stationed direct last night and to hold off on making any decisions until its influence upon me had diminished because it can cause uncertainty, fogginess and confusion. She published a post on Neptune Direct and it peaked my interest. Was Neptune the cause of all my funk and now the huge relief I am feeling?

In a search for the answer, I returned to the astrological forecast Litebeing did for me in May this year. Sure enough, Neptune is a very strong influence in my chart:

The planet Neptune is about creativity, spirituality, and dissolving of reality. It has been in my chart since Feb 2003 and is in the 1st house. It coincides with my first awakening which is no coincidence. It will remain until 2021. At age 40 I hit a developmental cycle which will propel me into public view, increase creativity, exaggerate mood (ugh), and increase psychic and empathic connections.

Litebeing gave me additional information about what is happening with my chart currently. She said, “Natal Neptune is conjunct your Moon (emotional center) and they are square Mars natally. Lots of emotional upheaval and extreme sensitivity is your normal. Transiting Neptune is squaring your Moon and Neptune and opposing your Mars at this time.” I read this and am a bit overwhelmed but thinking, “Why did I do this to myself!??”

This information brings clarity to a dream symbol I have been encountering the last few weeks, though. The gun. There is a gun/gun reference in my dreams almost nightly. I see the gun as a symbol of protection and this coincides with my guidance suggesting I surround myself in protection because I am super empathic right now. Have I been doing this? No because I don’t feel it will do any good. Hahaha Me and my pessimism!

Saturn is also influencing my chart right now (through December). I am not sure if I hate Saturn or Neptune more right now. Thinking Saturn is worse based upon what came up in my forecast. It makes me super moody and depressed (that is my tendency anyway).

Saturn may cause a tendency to be more melancholy and depressed but if I am willing to work this could be a good time career-wise. Since I tend towards the melancholy I suspect I will be depressed……..In Nov/Dec there is a high likelihood for arguments especially with men. LOL Delays in relationships and testing of relationships also likely. In February relationships become more balanced and there is stability all around, especially money-wise. Practical love. Is there such a thing? Added bonus is that someone with a lot of Saturn influence like me tends to be more mature and patient. I laughed at the patient part.

I also have Jupiter influencing my chart right now. Jupiter makes everything bigger. Since October Jupiter has shifted my focus to the occult, going deep within, being more analytical and intuitive, powerful and sexual.  Could it get anymore complicated!?

Thankfully everything should begin to level out by February and definitely by March. My job ends at the end of January and my dreams/OBEs continue to indicate that something will happen by this time as well (4 moons, two of which have already passed). My gut Knowing is that it is a time of endings, completion of some cycle. I wish I could take a long nap and wake up in February.

Good news is that the career portion of my life is taking off. By the time I finish with this job assignment I will have accrued $14k. Not bad for 10 weeks of playing with kids all day. 🙂 Though I have no idea where I will be led career-wise when this job is over, I feel optimistic (yeah) about my job prospects in the future. In the past I was certain that work/finance would never be an issue for me. This certainty wavered last year but has now returned along with an interest in returning to the work-a-day world. My current job has played a significant grounding role in my life these past few weeks. Without it I think I would likely have dropped into the deepest, darkest depression ever. So thankful for the stabilizing influence it has had in my life! In fact, work is the only stable thing in my life right now. Ha!

I have nine days off for Thanksgiving break so the stabilizing influence of my job will be missing during this time. Additionally, my 9th wedding anniversary is on Thanksgiving day this year. However, my guidance indicated to me this morning that much work will be done in the coming days – healing, clarity, integration, heart-centeredness, creativity, etc. I look forward to having more clarity, heart-centeredness and creativity. I am not sure I am eager for more healing and integration.