Oh where to start?! This has been another humdinger of a week, hasn’t it? And tomorrow is the full moon. I think: Already? lol It just seems like we go from one intense “event” to another lately.
In all my life, I don’t think I have had such an intense August, not, at least, since my 10th year (1986). The intensity in 1986 was different, more physical than spiritual, though I have been told by astrologers that it was spiritually significant, too, a kind of spiritual awakening all of it’s own. My memory of that year is only of change, lots of change and much of it unwanted.
Firstly, we moved three hours from the only home I had ever known to relocate on family land in Central Texas. So it was my first ever move in this lifetime. I spent a good decade coming to terms with that move, too. My mom opted to move me and my sisters on the advice of a therapist, my therapist. The therapist had diagnosed me as emotionally disturbed, the main cause being my father and his emotionally abusive ways. She said I needed to be as far away from my dad as possible. Far enough that he would be unwilling to make the trip and to see me and my sisters on the weekends.
That summer I spent a couple of weeks with my dad in Houston. My sisters and I stayed with him at his apartment the whole time. My memories of this time are mixed, emotionally and physically. I remember helping my dad work on one of his cars. I rebuilt a carburetor all by myself after watching him take it apart. I liked working on cars with my dad and that memory especially is very strong. Though I have many bad memories of my dad, this is one of the good ones.
The next strongest memory I have is of a little girl I befriended while I was there. She was the same age as me and we hung out together in her apartment. Her parents were gone all day at work so it was just me and her. I have never told anyone this but she was my first ever sexual “partner”. Now don’t overreact, I was 10, so there was not much sexually going on with me, but I was curious and so was she. There was no removal of clothing, no kissing, just exploration – touching and fondling and, well, that is enough description, you get the idea. I remember she showed me her mother’s secret stash of Playgirl magazines. There were piles of them! I think those images will be ingrained in my memory for life. lol This little girl was the one who suggested we explore our bodies together, in a very innocent sorta way. I recall that I was hesitant. In fact, the emotion that is strongest is a feeling that I was being “bad” and that if anyone found out I would surely be spanked. lol The other thing I remember is that I liked how it made me feel. Again, the horror, right? My poor 10-year-old mind was in overdrive.
I would not be surprised if that little girl realized at a some point that she preferred women to men.
Ultimately, I was freaked out and avoided going back into the girl’s apartment just in case she tried to pressure me into more experimentation. It scared me, but mostly, my own reaction scared me because I liked her, I like how she made me feel, and I wanted more.
I had my very own camera at the time and snapped dozens and dozens of photographs, many of my newfound friend. Every time I look at them in old albums I pause when I see this little girl. I can’t remember her name but a part of me wonders where she is now, how she is doing and what her memories are from that time. As I think back on it even now, I think it likely she and I were meant to meet that summer. Maybe for her? Maybe for me? Maybe both?
The other memory I have is the most traumatic of them all. Toward the end of our visit, about a day or two before he was to drive us to our new home, my dad made it clear he had no intention of taking us home. My dad at the time could be very emotionally cruel. He had not wanted a divorce and often used us to get back at our mom. His announcement caused a very strong reaction in me. I was so terrified, in fact, that I demanded he let me call my mom. The memory is hazy but I believe whatever I said or threatened (likely the latter) convinced him to let me call my mom. When I got on the phone I was hysterical, telling my mom what he was threatening and crying that I wanted to come home. In my mind I was going through all kinds of scenarios trying to figure out how I could get home on my own. Honestly, I was prepared to go knock on a neighbor’s door and tell them what was going and call the police. I think I threatened my dad with this and that it was why he ultimately gave in and took us home. The whole drive home I was antsy. I couldn’t wait to get as far away from him as I could.
Back to the Present – 2018
When I started writing this post I had no intention of traveling back to 1986. None. Yet it came flowing out and now that it has, I know why.
This month, like I’ve already said, has been intense. This week especially has been drudging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions, all linked to my first two chakras. Yesterday, I woke up with an old whiplash injury flaring up. The area around my left shoulder blade tends to get sore when I am stressed out. It has not been an issue for a long while, so I knew it meant I needed to relax and unwind. So, I went out to eat with my husband and had two Long Island Iced Teas. I immediately began to relax. Mostly I laughed a whole lot. Everything was funny.
My husband and I talked about the Kundalini energy for a while. He continues to think this energy is just sexual attraction and my wanting to leave him for another man. He said he believed the minute I found someone else I would leave him, that I have just been waiting for the opportunity to go. I told him, “Maybe I already have and chose you instead?” He wanted to know why I would choose him and I told him that Kundalini attraction tends toward reactivity; it is ungrounded. I explained that our relationship is the opposite. It is solid and logical in comparison. I said that I am looking for a mixture of the two, a nice blend of the intense Kundalini fire and the non-reactive, groundedness, like what we have.
As we talked and I explained the Kundalini fire and attraction, the word “folly” popped into my mind. I said there was a quote about folly and love. We both immediately searched Google for it. This is what came up:
We both got a good laugh out of it. It felt like he understood me. Finally.
Oddly, there was this sign behind the bar that caught my eye. I ended up staring at it for a long time and finally just snapped a photo. See if you can figure out why:
Look at the year. 1997. Yeah, weird. I mentioned it to my husband and we talked about what we were doing in 1997 on the drive home. I was married to my ex and living in Alabama. Though I didn’t mention it to my husband (he knows), I had a near affair with one of my ex’s friends at that time. Another memory I prefer to bury. Not my best year.
What were you doing in 1997?
When we got home, I went on a long walk with my daughter and our dog, Monty. I laughed while we walked in a huge field behind a church and let Monty roam free. Here are some photos of our walk:
For some crazy reason the two drinks lingered in my system much longer than they should have. I was still tipsy at around 10pm! I fell asleep easily and slept until almost 9am.
Dream: We are One, We are Many
Prior to bed I asked for help with some current issues I’ve been having. I have become acutely aware of a major blockage in my second chakra and I can’t seem to break it loose. I asked for insight into the reasons for this.
In this dream I entered a library (search for knowledge) and stopped at the front counter where the clerk sat. She was a nice looking blonde woman in her mid-thirties, early forties. She seemed to know me and I her.
In front of me on the counter were piles of typed documents (discovery, self-realization), blog posts that I had not posted yet. In the dream the pile was spread out on the counter but in my mind I was going through them on my cell phone while also physically sorting them. At one point I came across a document that I had not typed. In fact, I knew someone must have hacked into my phone. I skimmed through it and saw that it made little sense but then my eyes stopped on the end. There, clear as day, were the words, “We are One, We are Many.” I knew, then, that it was a message from my guidance, likely a channeled message. Sadly, I only recall the end line now. 😦
Then, the blonde woman picked up a business card that was laying with my documents and said, “I’m going to call him.” I panicked and grabbed the card. I told her that it was mine, from a friend. She inquired about him and I said he and I had a connection. She said, “Ah…I get it!” I mentioned a name, but the name I said was the name of my loan officer who just helped us close on our refinance. lol The whole time a song was playing but I can’t remember it now. It was a mixture of heavy metal and rock/pop.
Then I was watching the blonde woman talking to my MIL. They appeared to be friends. The blonde lady agreed to meet my MIL at 7:30am the next day. Their conversation revealed that they met up often and that the blonde woman was trying to earn extra money. When I heard she needed money I asked her if she was struggling. She said she was. I immediately got out my billfold and pulled out a wad of money. It was a mixture of bills but I knew there was a $100 bill inside. I thought maybe I would ask her to close her eyes and pick one but then decided I would just give her the $100 (success is within your reach). I handed it to her and told her, “There’s no need to worry.” The woman took it but never said thank you. She walked over to her purse and said something about using it for her violin (peace and harmony).
I awakened with a heavy energy covering my body. I knew the message about money was from me, to me. My guidance often told me that I will always have enough. Money would not be an issue. I also knew the message “We are One, We are Many” was from my guidance. They have said this often.
This song was going through my head, specifically the “whatever it takes”:
The fire and water elements in the video are not lost on me. Nor is the message.
August has been exactly that: Fire and Water.
For some odd reason, when I woke I knew that the solution to my second chakra problem is feminine energy. This consideration seemed like a breakthrough to me. It made total sense. If the issue is a feminine one, which is likely considering it’s location in the energy body, then masculine energy would only aggravate the problem, forcing something that force alone created. What is needed to pry it loose is feminine energy.
Back to 1986
And so, now you see why that memory from 1986 came up. I do not think it coincidence that I would wake up thinking I needed to connect with another woman, to use the feminine energy to heal and bring me back to wholeness, only to have memory of doing exactly that over 20 years ago come to mind.
If you look at my memories from that year, you see potent, feminine, sexual energy, newly awakened in me, paired with trauma, trauma caused by the masculine energy, that of my father. There is intermixed with it all a confusion resulting from this energy, a confusion that was never resolved, and a decision made by me to bury the memory, the “shame”.
Add to this memory the recent reconnection I had with my best friend from high school, and it all seems perfectly obvious and clear: Feminine energy is needed now, not masculine.
The first conclusion one might draw is that I need to get with a woman energetically or even physically; have a repeat of 1986. I don’t know if that is necessary. It could also mean that I need to tap into my own feminine energy somehow. But then I don’t know how I can do that.
Any suggestions appreciated.