To Become Whole, We Must First Be Separate

Warning – this post could upset some of you, especially those of you who have experienced sexual trauma.

“To become Whole, We must first Be Separate”.

This was what I was told this morning when I awoke in tears from a dream directed at helping me to heal a major wound which I have been carrying with me for many, many lives.

Dream

In the dream I was a counselor who was told about an incident where a young girl witnessed her father molesting her little brother. In the dream, I actually witnessed it as well. I took the girl to report it and listened to her statement.

Then I shifted into a hospital setting and was laying in a bed. Everything was white. In front of me was this machine that I knew was an electroshock therapy machine. It was connected to me. I kept shocking myself over and over again with it. For some reason the shock made me feel better and I would smile. I both experienced and witnessed this as it occurred.

Then a man came into the room. I recognized him as my partner. He was completely naked. He radiated unconditional love and sympathy as he crawled into my hospital bed and snuggled up to me. I felt completely numb and did not respond to him.

When I awoke, I was crying uncontrollably. It was not sobbing, but more silent, slow tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to stop them and my heart chakra was ablaze with a warm, comforting feeling. I heard from my Companion, “It’s not your fault.”

Healing a Deep Wound

The wound itself has been one of discussion in this blog before. It specifically comes from the past 3 lives prior to this one but is also a part of this lifetime.

The wound, simply put, is betrayal. More specifically, this betrayal is betrayal of love and trust. The love of a child for a parent. The love of a woman for her husband. The complete trust of a child that their parents will care for them, protect them, and nurture them because they are too small and too innocent to do so themselves. The complete trust of a wife in her husband and expectation that he will protect her and bear what she cannot.

With all this betrayal of love and trust also comes a feeling of complete abandonment by God.

There is also a complete disgust for mankind and the male gender in general.

To recap:

  • Most recent past life: I was murdered by my father at the age of 6. I am not sure why but Remembered this morning that my mother, who I thought innocent, was an accomplice. Betrayal by parents.
  • Life before that: I married a man who was abusive and raped me. Betrayal by husband.
  • Life before that: As a child I was molested by my own father after my mother’s death. Later in that life I was murdered by my own husband who also murdered our infant son and then killed himself. Betrayal by father. Betrayal by husband.

This Lifetime

Memories from this life also surfaced. When I was little, around 7 years old, I walked past our bathroom and saw our neighbor using the restroom in front of my little sister. He was asking her, “Do you want to touch it.” Horrified, I took my sister’s hand and told her, “No.” The moment will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I told my mom but I had no idea what, if anything, she did about. The neighbors eventually moved to Mexico, though.

Fast forward to 2003. On a road trip back from California, I fell asleep in the back seat only to awaken to the sound of my mom and older sister having a serious conversation. In it, I overheard that my sister had been molested by the neighbor when she was 10-11 years old. This was the same neighbor who I had seen trying to get my younger sister to touch him. I interrupted their conversation because I was totally shocked. My sister said, “I thought you knew about it. He did it to you, too.” I had no idea what she was talking about.

She went on to tell of what exactly he did and how he use to touch all three of us when swimming in our pool. My sister has struggled with healing from her experiences her whole life.

I still have no memory of any of it.

In recalling all of this, I wondered if maybe I buried memories from this life to save myself from what my sister is still struggling to heal. I honestly don’t think that he did to me what he did to her, but I have feelings that do not make sense from that time in my life. I also have huge gaps in my memory from that time in my life.

Connecting the Dots

Beliefs and feelings were obvious to me. It was like a flood of information, as if all the weeks of deep sleep and healing were finally revealed.

Love is painful. Men are not to be trusted. It was my fault, so I should be punished.

There are other false beliefs but these are the main ones. The last, especially, is troublesome because it is the last belief that continues the cycle.

My guidance has long told me, “You are special”. It was repeated this morning. This time, however, I understood why. This phrase was often spoken to me when I was molested by my father in the first life in this cycle. Everything that happened after was associated with that phrase. That is why I always retract from it and experience fear when I hear it. I always think, “I am NOT special.” I don’t want to be special because to be special means accepting what happened to me and what I was – which was “bad”. In that lifetime I felt I was being punished – by my father and by God – but I had no idea what I had done wrong.

It was reiterated that none of it was my fault and that I need not be punished any longer. The emotions from that and the other lifetime resurfaced. Emotions of confusion of a child who loved his/her parents unconditionally only to suffer at their hands. Despite all of their mistreatment of me, I still loved them. I love them so much that I assumed it was not their fault but my own.

I was reminded that I reject love from others; I do not allow myself to be loved fully. Love is fully trusting in another. It is placing all of yourself in their hands. I refuse to do that. If I cannot do that, I cannot become Whole.

This wound is the last big hurdle I face in the path to Wholeness. I asked why I had not just healed it on the Other Side between lives. It was explained that when we are Home we are separated from much of the experience of the pain, so we cannot fully heal our wounds unless we are in the physical where they originated. When I return to the physical the pattern continues – I feel I should be punished and so I am. And it was never my fault to begin with.

 

 

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “To Become Whole, We Must First Be Separate

  1. litebeing says:

    Thank you for sharing as you do, with stark transparency and truth. You are a survivor who heals. Reminds me of Chiron 😉 I wonder if your interest in Chiron appeared in this timeframe. I encourage you to read about Chiron as it pertains to your chart. I will email you links to some books that are excellent.

    love, Linda

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dayna says:

      Thank you, Linda. I have been undergoing extensive healing at night and the Chiron connection came up during this time. So it is likely linked. I asked last night to be allowed to remember what has been going on. I got what I asked for and I am grateful to know what it is I have been doing all this time.

      This is a very deep, nasty wound that keeps being torn open lifetime after lifetime. It needs to heal once and for all. A big part of that is forgiving myself. I have long forgiven those who betrayed me but cannot seem to see past my condemnation of Self.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. truthcodex says:

    It seems releasing these core beliefs within ourselves in the physical is what this time is all about. I’ve recently done the same with my own. I’ve heard over and over: you can’t take your baggage with you on this journey. Thank you for sharing this honesty within your experience. It adds great perspective for others who share similar core beliefs. You are a strong, wonderful light and you can do this. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Karin says:

    Thanks for sharing all of this so openly. These are important insights. Oh my! Three lifetimes with the same pattern! This experience of separation in incarnation seems to be the only place where we can heal this, and yet it is so difficult to heal it here because we get wounded over and over again. I sometimes wonder about the setup of this virtual reality game. It is so easy to get lost in the muck of emotions and victimhood here. And yet we keep having to return here over and over again. Sigh. I wish it would be possible to heal between lifetimes. But, as you wrote, it isn’t.
    I wish you much success with dropping the last wrong beliefs.
    Much compassion to you!
    Karin

    Liked by 2 people

  4. mollyb111 says:

    Did they send a pulse last night – gheez deep release last night for me, too. Thank you for writing. I feel like so much is going on and not enough time to write (gotta live, too). Spiritual journey is not for sissie’s. This is tough work! Gheez are you doing some amazing work!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dayna says:

      IDK but it’s okay. I am happy to have gotten some kind of info on what’s been going on behind the scenes. I’ve been feeling left out for a couple of weeks now. Looking over my blog posts it looks like nothing significant has happened with me since March 21st. I don’t count the OBEs of course.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Fungi2bwith says:

    Wow Dayna, brave work you’re doing. Yes, the process is through the body physical, it’s very difficult but you’re doing it. Much love to you. ((( ❤ )))

    Liked by 2 people

  6. kittyasmith says:

    I don’t know about previous lives, but I was sexually abused as a child, my earliest knowledge/memory is at age 10, but very well could have started sooner than that. I completely blocked huge chunks of my memory for years.

    I also love too much, get hurt as a result and after 4 marriages I have little interest or faith in men. I have appreciated the recent emergence of enlightened men. Deeply. It is nice to know there are members of the male gender I might actually be able to respect… but I am discerning now where once I was not.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. […] I stumbled upon this post. The synchronicities blew me away and I began to wonder about one of my recent dreams. I reread that dream and connections were […]

    Like

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