How I Cope and Other Random Things

This break or amplification or whatever you want to call it is not bothering me anymore. I’m over it. In fact, I’ve been feeling rather normal and like my old self except that I’m most definitely not my old self.

I had a friend ask me the other day, “How do you cope in the midst of extreme difficulty?” My reply was something funny and not really true and I’ve been thinking about her question ever since she asked it.

What I’ve been doing to cope this week is exercising. Actually, I’ve been doing it all through this “cave period”. It started out with me just going outside and finding things to do in our yard. I turned part of our back yard into a garden one day just for the hell of it. And for several days in a row I raked the front yard of the Live Oak leaves that fell in March. This week I’ve been doing cardio routines off YouTube. Today’s really kicked my butt.

If I’m not exercising then I’m doing yoga or cleaning house or, my favorite, baking and cooking. Yum!  I made quiche on a whim yesterday and homemade bread just a couple of days before that. I’ve even got an entire week’s worth of meals planned (unlike me really).

When my mind goes into overdrive I usually get moving. The harder I work my body, the less I am in my mind. In fact, I get so focused on my physical body that I literally go out of my mind (not in the crazy way). Then for the remainder of the day my energy surges until it plateaus around bedtime. I call it moving meditation and it is my absolute favorite kind of meditation. Yeah, I know, I’m nuts. lol

So basically, I guess I should have told my friend, “When things get tough, then I get moving.”

Now that is not always true. Sometimes I turn into sloth woman. That is rare, though. Usually, despite being sloth-like, I still make myself move and then the heaviness peels off little by little and my energy returns. And at times I’ve gotten out the wine. But again, this is very, very rare.

Exercise really is a cure-all. Even for ascension.

Oh and I’ve cried while working out. Yep. lol Not because the workout is hard, either, but the healing/cleansing kind of crying. 🙂


Shifting gears a little here…..(yeah I’m in that kind of mood). Here is a picture I took with my son today. He was being squirmy and trying to take the camera instead of sitting still.


If you look closely, you will see my braces (barely – they’re ceramic). I am already very pleased with the results and I’ve only had them a week. Normally, with this kind of picture, I would have deleted it because one tooth would have poked out and looked ugly. Now that tooth is non-existent. How that is even possible in a little over 1 week, I don’t know, but I’m happy about it. 🙂

The List

Shifting gears again… My husband has me researching where we will move. I refuse to move to states with state income tax, so that leaves very, very few places for us to relocate to. Here are our choices:

Florida 🙂
South Dakota
New Hampshire

My choices, with the first being my top pick and the last being never, ever will it happen:

New Hampshire
South Dakota

I don’t know exactly where he stands on this but I do know he is very keen on Wyoming and any place with snow (ugh). He also said he likes Wyoming because it’s one of the least populated states. Honestly, I did not tell him no on Wyoming, but really I can’t imagine living there after living in Montana and Alaska for as long as I did. I’m all snowed out. Plus, I’ve done the hermit thing long enough. So, I suggested we just move to East Texas. He’s dead set against it and my daughter started crying (dramatic). She has her heart set on Florida and the beach. lol I told her Texas has beaches but that didn’t help.

My husband is getting very antsy about the move. He told me yesterday, “Hurry up and pick somewhere because we have to be out in a month.” Huh? I told him, “Um. No. We have to wait until school’s out.”  And no matter how often I tell him Florida, he keeps asking me, “Where are we moving?” Sigh. Geminis!






A Dream and a Name

In this dream I was at a gym preparing for a group class. The instructor came in and had us all grab barbells. For some reason I grabbed two very small dumbbells to do push-ups and then realized we were going to do something else, so dropped them only to find all the barbells were taken. The instructor then had us line up very close, holding our barbells. Then we were attached to one another by clips. The result was that we appeared as a human grid.

Our assignment was to run a route in pairs. We would be carrying a barbell between us and our fuel was an assortment of tea.

As my partner and I ran together, we far outpaced the rest of the group. The route was a dirt path among rolling hills covered in tall, green grass. The view from the top of the hill was spectacular and my partner and I sprinted down the hill together at a high speed. I remember looking behind us and seeing our group shrink as the distance between us increased. I remember feeling intense joy and pride at our accomplishment.

Then we reached the bottom of the hill and our speed dramatically decreased. We slowly made our way to what appeared to a be a large temple or shrine made out of light gray stone. There were paved roads that meandered around green patches of grass dotted with flowers and surrounded by short hedges.

I noticed our ration of tea bags was almost gone and we were nearly out of water. How could we ever get to the finish line without our fuel? I decided to put several tea bags in our last remaining water. My partner said, “Wouldn’t that make the tea too strong?” I said yes and explained I liked it that way. There remained three gray tea bags of Oolong tea.

This is when the others in our group began to catch up to us. One pair passed us and I noticed they were on a tandem bicycle. That is when I realized my partner and I were on two separate bicycles.

As we made our way toward the main road, my partner wanted to take a different route. I hesitated but then followed him since both routes led to the same destination. As we pedaled down the path, I saw two police officers rounding up some children who did not follow the directions and were off track. I remember thinking I was glad I was not one of them.


Dream Interpretation

The dream is suggestive of not working with my counterpart toward our common goal. There is a separation that exists, symbolized by the separate bicycle when we should be on a tandem bike. Tea is symbolic of life satisfaction and taking one’s time in regards to a relationship. Not only is tea our “fuel” and we are running low but our speed slows down significantly.

In-Between Communication

Prior to waking from this dream, I found myself in a discussion with an online friend. We were talking about desire and her lack of it and my sudden increase of it. I pointed out my partner, who appeared much as he did in past lucid dreams though he was quite a distance away in this particular lucid moment. I remember telling her, “I don’t have any issue with it (desire) now.” She had said something like, “My partner and I do not have any interest in each other anymore.”

She then said to me, “If you want to be with him why don’t you initiate?” I said, “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.” I remember looking at my partner from a distance and thinking I would like him to come over where we were standing.

That is when I became lucid in the in-between and my Companion was close. I knew he wanted me to do what he normally did in our past encounters. He wanted me to initiate our connection. My first thought was, “How? I don’t know how.” Yet I could feel my heart chakra active. It felt like my entire chest was a mass of solid energy. My third eye was also active.

There was recognition then that I preferred to be the pursued, not the pursuer. In fact, all my life I have never once pursued anyone other than one boyfriend in high school who took my advances to mean I wanted to jump right in bed with him. This was not the case and I quickly withdrew. I discovered that if I showed any interest in a man (meaning just being nice to them or friendly) it was misconstrued to mean I wanted to have sex with them. So I quickly learned to remain distant and let them pursue me. If I was interested then I would accept. It I was not, I would ignore them or straight out tell them to back off. It really sucked for me to be this way because I prefer men to women as friends yet I could never have a male friend because they always wanted it to go beyond friendship. 😦

That is when I was straight out told that I needed to reverse this role. I needed to pursue what I wanted. If I wanted sex, then I need to initiate it. If I wanted the heart connection, then I needed to initiate it. There is nothing wrong with wanting either. It is my right, my decision.

But I fear the rejection that goes with it. I recognized this fear right away.

That is when I recall hearing myself ask my Companion, “What is your name?” I heard myself reply, “Allen”. This brought me to full wakefulness and I remember hearing an entire name, “Richard Allen” but I can’t remember the last name now. Then I could not remember my own name and it took me quite some time to remember it.

As I lingered in bed, trying to get a grip on reality, I had a vivid vision of an orange cat. It was very obviously dead.




Maintain a High Vibration

Yesterday was a fantastically beautiful day! Unfortunately for me, mundane life took the front seat. Things have to get done.

First off, my husband went to get an eye exam. He had been complaining of not seeing well when driving months ago but never made an appointment. The only reason he got an appointment is because I made one for him. lol Anyway, turns out his vision, which has always been 20/20, is almost as bad as mine now. I do not know how he managed to even drive! I wouldn’t dare drive without glasses or contacts. No way! So now he wears glasses and wants to get contacts. We’ll see how he adjusts. lol

Me, I had to get my teeth cleaned per the requirements of starting my orthodontic treatment. I knew I would not get good news. It was just a feeling. I had not been for a cleaning in 2 years and thought I would have to get some fillings replaced. Turns out all is well – apparently I didn’t even need a cleaning (after 2 years!). BUT they found a Grand Canyon-sized crack in one of my molars. Huh? They took a picture with tiny camera and showed me. It was plain as day. So no big deal, right? It didn’t hurt so I figured all was well. The dentist explained that it was good that I had no pain because a crack that size usually exposed the nerve causing excruciating pain. Since this was not the case yet, I was “lucky” and could get a crown and fix the problem before it began to cause me pain and cost me tons more money.

So I will be getting a $1300 crown on Tuesday. Why these things cost so much, I will never know. It definitely makes me feel old, though. How the hell does one crack a huge molar? They said I probably bit down on something hard. Hmm, yeah, of course I did! That is what teeth do – chew! lol

What is crazy curious about all this is that I was calm and collected the whole time. They took my blood pressure and it was 109/69, pulse 80. Hahaha. I’m probably the most chill patient they’ve ever had. And when I saw the crack I never once panicked or worried about money, pain, etc. This is very out of the ordinary for me. I did think about the cost, but mostly because I had not expected the added cost. In my head I was doing calculations to figure out where I would pull the money from. I knew this “bad” news was purposeful.  I need to fix it while I can afford it regardless of the cost. Who knows where I will be in the next few years and I definitely don’t want to be in the position where I am in excruciating pain and need an emergency root canal. Yuck.

On April 5th I will be getting braces. Thankfully, now days they have options that make them nearly imperceptible. Mine will be wire but with clear brackets. I won’t be able to eat normally for the entire time I wear them which is estimated to be 14 months. I still have difficulty justifying the expense for one misplaced tooth, but there is a feeling that I need to do it. Gotta go with my gut.

Despite all the “bad” news yesterday, the energy was sublime and people who I encountered were happy in a bubbly sort of way. Spring is in the air!


Protect Yourself – Maintain a High Vibration

Today the energy is a bit different – more erratic. My household seems quite affected. This morning my husband woke on a rampage which was not pleasant. I hate it when he gives me lectures like I am one of his children!

I began to perceive this difference last night. My husband is big into Game of Thrones and so I watched it with him but kept being distracted by our stereo system. It kept flashing the message, “Connected”. This is the Bluetooth, of course, but usually it is not connected. When I saw the connected message I felt a wave of energy pour into me via my crown and from my back through my heart chakra. I knew this was a message that me and my counterpart in Spirit are “connected” and the love that washed over me was confirmation.

About half an hour later I was drinking my tea and felt a different energy. It did not scare me but I recognized it as lower in vibration than is normal. The communication from this entity suggested an earthbound (ghost) or at the very least a resident of the lower astral/etheric. This particular entity was trying to disguise himself as my Companion and I detected his disguise quite quickly and surrounded myself with Light and called upon the Violet Flame.

Afterward, I asked why this was occurring and was told to be careful of my thoughts as they manifest quite quickly. I then realized that watching that T.V. show had shifted me into fear mode and my thoughts had been along the lines of doubting what I had been experiencing. This opened me up to lower vibrational entities. NOT something I wish to experience.

Just goes to show how very important it is to keep your vibration high.



Message: Worship Life

If you stripped away all the roles and labels you identify with, what would be left?

This question was asked of me this morning along with these messages:

Worship life.

Think “some day” and you’ll spend the rest of your life waiting for “some day” to come.

51 510 


My dreams were also intensely vivid and related to these messages.

In one dream I was standing by an area where bundles of tall sticks had been stored vertically. Amidst them were four babies that appeared to be dead but when inspected were very much alive. We revived them and they morphed into dogs and the rest of the dream involved discussion about the dogs.

In the other dream me and my family moved to Alaska where a sustainable community was being created. The place was all gray and dreary and I kept worrying about the long nights ahead and dreading the future. I had a feeling that I should be happy but I was not and I was bored.


When I awoke all kind of things were going through my head. The song, from my previous post  was the most noticeable but there was a distinct memory of the time prior to my move to Alaska:

My ex-husband moved to Alaska before me to attend a training academy and I waited in Texas, living with my Mom and preparing for our drive to Alaska. I didn’t want to go. I knew what was waiting for me. At one point I broke down in tears while taking a shower because I wanted badly to stay in Texas. This was after I had turned down a job offer for a teaching position at a nearby school. At the time, I was too afraid to go out on my own, even with all the signs pointing to this being the right thing to do. I believed my marriage was more important; that to choose my wants and needs over my marriage was selfish and wrong. My mother had seen me crying and spoke to me about it afterward. She encouraged me to stay and I remember such pain in my heart. Unbearable pain. Excruciating.


After this memory hit me, I was asked, “Focus on that feeling. What did it tell you?”

My response: “The feeling was showing me what I am not.”

I recognized that the feeling was trying to show me that moving to Alaska did not align with my energy/vibration. It was out of sync with me. Yet I ignored it, choosing instead to follow my ex’s path, a path that was not mine and did not align with my authentic self. The result was near disastrous for me.

I feel the beginnings of this feeling in my current life. Honestly, I don’t even want to acknowledge the feeling is emerging. I hate knowing it is there. Yet things in my life are shifting in a direction I know I am not suppose to go. What do I do with that?


As I drifted in and out of the in-between, scenes came into my mind. One specific scene pulled me out of my reverie it surprised me so much. In this scene, a friend of mine was talking to me about needing to find a roommate. I did not recognize this friend, though. Her search came at a time in which I needed to find a place to live on my own. As I pulled myself out of the scene there came with it a knowingness that if I follow my heart, then things will align perfectly to set me on the right path.

Of course, I panicked and had thoughts like, “What will I do for a living? Where will I go? I can’t live far away from my family! I will be so alone! What about my kids?” and on and on and on. Yet the feeling with these thoughts was calm – the panic was hollow; fabricated. So weird!

In response to these thoughts there was knowing that I would be OK. I have money saved. I have a retirement fund I can cash in at any time. I can travel. I can do anything I want. I thought of traveling to Egypt and to South America. Then worry would enter and say, “But what of after all of that? What do I do when all that money is gone?”

The winning answer is “Who the f**k cares!” LOL

I know all of this is preparation for something to come. There is nothing for me to do now except prepare. It could be a year from now, two years, ten years. I don’t know. But the feeling, the PUSH is coming and I need to acknowledge it for what it is so that when it happens, the resistance will not be there.

And those labels, for me they are (in order of importance): mother, wife, daughter, sister, counselor, teacher, lover, friend. Who am I when I toss all of those? What is left?

If you try this, you will know just how scary it is to let go of these labels but at the same time extremely freeing. We can imagine ourselves without these labels but in actually letting them go – releasing the identification with them – we will find who we truly are. I don’t know the answer to this for myself yet. I have to live it. Yet there is a feeling that I will be like I was in the beginning of this life – without boundaries, always in the present moment, and endlessly exploring and loving life. Imagine that.



Willing to Experience Anything

Though the energies have been high and quite intense, I have not noticed them quite as much as is normal. Perhaps I have adjusted? The only indicators for me that the energies are high right now are: 1. My guidance/intuition tells me they are. 2. My heart, third-eye and crown have been active on and off. 3. My sleep is more interrupted than usual and I am having more vivid dreams.

My dreams indicate that I am going through yet another transition period and making more decisions behind-the-scenes.

Community College or University – I had a dream in which I was deciding if I should go to a community college or university. A line of students were waiting for orientation at the community college and I remember mulling over my options. I was going for an advanced (doctorate) degree so I chose the university. The feeling from this dream is that I am choosing what direction I wish to go in. There comes with this dream a sense that choosing the university indicates choosing a “school” many, many others would also be attending. Maybe the lessons then are more mundane in nature?

Piranha Swimming in Air – I walked into a bedroom and saw a large aquarium with big fish in it. I prepared to feed them when I saw one of the fish swimming around in the air about me. It startled me and I left in a hurry. I told some people outside, “Do you know one of the fish escaped? Be careful because it’s a piranha and it could bite you.” I also asked, “Is it even possible for a fish to swim in the air??” Fish out of a fish tank and swimming in the air is actually a common dream for me.

Fish are usually representative of ideas and/or insights from the subconscious. A piranha is likely an idea or issue that is literally eating away at me and causing me internal upset. The fish tank itself indicates I am in control of my emotions (all but the piranha that is).

tardisRejecting Intuition – In this dream I was at a busy intersection with others. It reminded me a large city like New York. There was a man sitting on the bench. When I saw him I intuited that he would be in an accident and lose both his legs. I decided not to tell him because I believe doing so is irresponsible and unethical. I continued past him but was asked to stop and reset this machine for the next person. It reminded me of the Tardis from Dr. Who except it was smaller. I found the latch and flipped it. The latch was labeled, “Walk-in”. There was much confusion here in the dream and a thought of wishing I didn’t know what the future would bring.

Continued Shifting

There are other dreams intermixed with these but the themes are similar. When I awoke one of the six times that I woke in the night (ugh!) I recall knowing that I had chosen to slow down progress towards Wholeness. I am afraid and need to sort through that fear. I was not very nice to myself upon recognizing this and viewed it as a flaw. There was also knowing that a rest period has been entered (again) and April 4 came to mind. As usual it appears my guidance is giving me a heads up on when the next rush of energies (likely Kundalini) is coming.

In the meanwhile, physically I look and feel wonderful. There has been a physical transformation in me over the last couple of weeks that I am pleased with. My complexion is superb when it has been anything but since the end of January. I have more energy than usual and my body just feels lighter. It is hard to describe. Additionally, I am feeling more connected to my body and feel so much more than I have in a very long time (3 years?). I am actually interested in sex again. Huh? lol Happy dance. I literally feel like I am 20 years old again. Woo-hoo!

On top of these changes, I am also feeling more motivated. Today I have an appointment with an orthodontist to fix my teeth which has been an on-going irritation for me since my 20’s. I have never done anything because of the high cost involved and I could never justify paying so much for one out of place tooth. This time I’m going to do it. It’s an early 40th birthday present to myself. 🙂

There is also present an inkling that I might be able to venture back into the workplace. The thought of it is still unsettling but I sense this will break down in the next few months. There are still some things in my life that need to shift before looking for work but I am being prepared for something that is coming.

I am willing to experience anything at this point. 🙂



Party Time

I’ve been high on life the last couple of days. This is weird for me as I have been in flat-mood-mode ever since getting sick three weeks ago. I woke up yesterday full of hope. Hope? What’s is that?? lol

I spent the entire day at a double birthday part for my youngest, Elek, and his cousin who is six weeks older than him. Elek doesn’t turn 2 until the 31st, but my Mom wanted to host a party so we celebrated early. Below are some pics.

Elek was in a mood in the beginning. I don’t think he understood what all the fuss was about. He kept giving me the evil eye and wouldn’t smile for the camera. 😦

Despite being high on life, I still separated myself quite a bit from the rest of my family. I do this because their energy can be erratic and I never know how much they will project on me. Thankfully, almost everyone had high energy. My sister made me laugh so hard I cried and the conversations were rarely stagnant. My third-eye and heart chakras were active on and off during the party as well. Good sign I guess.

I hope everyone enjoyed the energy yesterday! I sure did. It was a nice reprieve from the previous energy. Sending love to you all!



Random Dreams

Just need to write these down to help me sort through them a bit. 🙂

Dream: Rainbow

I was receiving instruction. During this time, I saw a rainbow of colorful, wide, horizontal bands appear over top of my body. It appeared to follow the chakras and my interpretation was that I was aligned and ready for the next step.

Dream: Dirty Car

My husband told me he was taking my car. I got angry and stood between him and my car with my arms out. I told him, “You can’t take my car. Take your own car. This is MY car!” He ignored me and tried to get into the driver’s seat with my keys. I got in his way and noticed the black leather seats were covered in dirt. I said to him, “Look! See! You get it dirty and trash it every time you use it!” He said to me, “I will clean it up. I like using your car.” I didn’t believe him.

Dream: Moving to California

I was on a plane but this plane was much larger than any plane I have ever been on. There was a man in a very large bed who was having an affair with another man. I remember watching as he and his lover cuddled. There was an internal conflict within me. One side was okay with two men loving each other in such a way. The other felt it was unnatural.

Then I was being told I needed to buy a ticket to California. I was shown the round trip ticket was $202. Confused again, I questioned this because I knew I had already purchased my ticket. The screen showed it was a flight to San Francisco.

Then I was flying above a residential road in L.A. I was with my daughter I think but there was also a younger male with me who I knew very well. The feeling from him was that he was a friend/guide/mentor and that we often traveled together. As we flew, I remember discussing moving to California and explaining to my daughter why this was a good idea. I pointed out that we were in a rural area just outside of L.A. and so we could avoid being around too many people. There were houses situated on large plots of land. There were several that resembled houses from a Dr. Seuss book – purple and pink with lots of windows and pointed roofs.

Then we were walking along a road toward the city. We were on a hill and I could see the entire city below. It was beautiful. The sky above was a mix of day and night together. I told my daughter, “Let’s lay here and look at the stars.” I laid down on the dirt road in savasana looking up at the stars. I remember feeling happy for a brief moment. Then, a flock of sea gulls came flying in from above and landed just behind me. They began to come closer and I knew they would peck at me, so I turned and confronted them. They were so vividly real and quite large. I turned and walked toward the city.

Dream: Washing my Face

I’m in an apartment with others. The man from the last dream is there with his male partner. We are all staying together for some reason. The room is small and there are two bathroom sinks nearby. One is near a round window. I go to it to clean my face. I wash it but I notice my skin is peeling. I am sad and tell someone near me, “I hate my face.” She suggests I clean it again. So I do and noticed the peeling skin is gone but I am still unhappy with how I look. There is a huge amount of despair here and then total apathy. The woman with me tries to help me understand but my feelings overpower her words.

Dream: Winter Storm

There is a discussion about an approaching winter storm. I see images in front of me while the discussion takes place. I see a blizzard and ice and a map of the U.S. I remember telling one person, “In Montana, they have had snow as late as April. In Alaska, as late at May.” I remember being a bit confused as my waking mind tried to interfere in this dream. I was alarmed about the information because it matched a previous lucid to OBE experience I had. There is memory of visiting the southeastern U.S., specifically Florida but also the other states nearby. I see the mountains covered in a light snow and there is also snow on the beach.

Dream: White Hair

For some reason I was dying my hair. When I washed it out the dye didn’t take so I dyed it again. It ended up streaking my hair in huge chunks of brilliant white. At first I was shocked and then I laughed and said to my friend, “It’s okay. I just look like I have chunky highlights.”