I continue to be really tired. Mostly it manifests as me sleeping in every morning and waking up feeling as if I took a sleeping pill – groggy, heavy eyelids, lingering in bed. Once I wake up I am okay. The third-eye and crown chakra activity has subsided and the Kundalini appears to be taking a break.
Dreamwork
The dreamwork continues but most of the dreams I have are lost upon waking now. I am just too tired to care. This morning one dream lingered upon waking along with a song and a sense that the “opportunity” that I had many syncs and dreams indicating was coming, has already come and gone. I missed it, I guess, and a part of me is kicking myself for it.
This morning’s dream goes along with a dream theme that has been recurrent for some time now: Montana. The dream scene varies, sometimes it is beautiful and green and other times covered in ice and snow. Sometimes I am in a large, log cabin or inside a structure of some sort, but most of the time I am out in the mountains or flying over them. Just talking about it brings to mind so many vivid experiences – watching a whale flying through the sky, traveling with a group to a lodge cabin mansion, and meeting up with a man at the top of a mountain while surrounded by hundreds of cats (yeah! lol).
Montana appears to symbolize my own, personal spiritual journey. I connect the mountains with being Home, a place that, to me, has a special feeling of “arrival”, peace, release and acceptance.
Dream: Modge Podge Montana
This entire dream took place inside a very large lodge (feeling stuck in life) in the mountains of Montana (spiritual journey). I did not go outside, so I never actually saw the mountains.
I was with a group of individuals, most unfamiliar to me in this life. I recall being with my current family as well as with my ex-husband’s family, specifically his mother. The dream seemed to mix the two life experiences as if to show me the similarities. I believe I was speaking with someone about what was transpiring in the dream, as if narrating while also being a participant.
I woke up in the dream and went out to the main area of the lodge. A group was gathered, among them my current husband and my ex-MIL. My husband told me he was leaving for the day with his friends, a group of guys who stood behind him. In the dream I was upset and protested very loudly in front of everyone (something my husband hates). My main complaint was that he often left for the entire day without warning, leaving me with all three of our children and no help. I complained that I would have to hire a sitter if I needed to anything outside of the house, either that or take them all with me. I felt overwhelmed and dumped upon by him. I also didn’t know what to do without him with me. Without him, I felt unable to do anything on my own, as if I was frozen in place.
My ex-MIL came to his defense. In real life she was very passive aggressive, which often infuriated me because no one else seemed to notice but me. To everyone else she was loving and wonderful but to me she was intent on separating me and her son.
My husband, whose appearance kept morphing between my ex and current husband, left and I sulked for a bit, all the memories of the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-MIL coming to mind mixed with the issues I have with my current MIL.
As I mulled over it all, emotions surfaced and mixed together leaving me feeling overwhelmed. The main emotion I felt was abandoned. I remember discussing my need to be with my partner, to feel included and supported. When left alone I managed, but the loneliness always got to me and I often grew angry and depressed. When my ex would come back from weeks or months away I struggled with being happy at his return to being resentful for his leaving me. I often felt that it would have been better had he never returned so I would not have to go through the upset of him leaving all over again, and again, and again.
Then there was my ex-MIL and her constant meddling. In the dream this played out as me seeing her spread rumors about me to the others in the lodge. In real life she would call up her son and tell him negative things about me, insert doubt into his mind about our marriage and me, all the while under the guise of being his loving and caring mother. The dream revealed to me just how much hurt this caused me but at the time it infuriated me and likely made me look all the worse in the eyes of my ex-husband. Years later and after our divorce, my ex told me he rarely spoke to his mom because he realized what she was up to. Too late for us but at least she was found out.
In the midst of all this distant past memory was the present, seeming to mix and merge, revealing the many similarities of the two.
At one point in the dream a group of Native Americans approached. There was a little girl (inner child) and a very, very old woman (the crone) with them. The old woman was to be healed via a special ceremony that involved packing her entire pelvic region in clay and letting it harden. I remember being very kind to the old woman, holding her hand and the hand of the little girl and walking across a wooden bridge toward their camp. There was a medicine man with us explaining the old woman’s ailment. I laughed when I realized the clay was to help her have a bowel movement (release of old habits and patterns) and commented on how ingenious it was.
There was a whole other dream scene after this inside an elementary school (lessons). I remember a young boy stepping on my heels and twisting his ankle. I sent him to the nurse but was told he often purposefully hurt himself to get attention and was shown a huge pile of nurse slips from his many attempts. The whole time I had two female teachers accompanying me and seeming to act as guides.
Considerations
When I woke I realized I had slept straight through the night. This is unusual for me. I usually wake 2-3 times. A song was going through my mind, specifically “there’s a ghost inside me”.
My daughter knew the song and listened to it with me this morning. She did not know what a “spectre” was. I told her it meant “ghost” and showed her the definition. In telling her this, I was reminded of a dream I had not long ago where I witnessed a part of me who I could not control. She was at first a white horse and then morphed into a ghost and left with a ghost man. I recognized that the song was referring to “the ghost inside me”, this white woman who seemed outside of my control, wild, and free – like a horse.
Similarly, a couple of nights ago I had a short visual in a dream of me opening a gate and releasing an entire herd of horses and not long before that a dream of one horse being released and running free.
Finally, I was reminded of another dream I had not long ago. It was short and made no sense at the time. I was flying around a city center above a road that circled a fountain. In order to get home I had to take a highway but when I got to it, it was closed. I was told I could only enter if I had someone with me. I agreed and was allowed to pass. This memory in turn reminded me of all the dreams and syncs occurring at the time indicating “opportunity” was coming.
Everything seemed to point out to me that my opportunity came and I turned it down.
As you can imagine I was not in a good mood after all this.
In reflecting on the dream, music message and resulting memories, I am reminded of other recent events. It all points to me being or feeling unable to move; feeling stuck. I recognize it is my own doing. A visual comes to mind of a woman in quicksand refusing a stick held out to her.
It seems that these two tarot spreads are playing out, just not like I thought they would. This one especially:
Living Life in Between 