Purging Continues

I awoke at 3am and then at 5:30am in tears. Really? Sigh. I hate this purge crap.

Dream: Apartment Search in Mexico

This dream began with me traveling into a town in Mexico with my mom. We were discussing where I would live. As we drove, the road beneath us turned white with strips of white granite at intersections. I told her, “Oh I can see so much better now! I like it when the roads look like this. If I were going to live anywhere it would be here.” She said, “Downtown?” I said, “Yes, I like this area.”

As we continued the area began to get more ghetto-like, with shabby one bedroom apartments and narrow, crumbling asphalt roads. I mentioned this was an area I would not live in and that the apartments cost $200-$400 month. I added that mostly college students lived there. It was pretty grungy.

Then we were outside and my mom was wanting to stop and get some ice cream. We stood across the road from a coffee shop and she went in, asking me repeatedly if I wanted something sweet. I said, “No, I’m stuffed” and I really felt full to the point of wanting to vomit. She went inside and got some ice cream. When I saw it I nearly threw up.

Then my mom was talking about the construction of a new home. I saw its brilliant white walls and immaculate, new condition. I was sad, though, and ignored her and her excitement seemed only to make me sadder.

Dream: Date in Mexico

The dream shifted and I was heading into a restaurant to meet my counterpart for a date. I saw him sitting at a small, white table waiting for me and instantly smiled. Then I saw he was not alone. He had brought with him a blonde woman who was dressed very professionally in a silver dress suit with high heels. They were sitting together with their laptops open and she was jabbering away. I remember thinking, “Why did he bring her??” When he saw me he looked uncomfortable and said, “I hope you don’t mind but she wanted to come along.” I remember thinking it a bad idea and feeling like the third wheel.

I watched them talk for some time, feeling uncomfortable and twiddling my thumbs. Then I heard him mention his new laptop and show how it could roll up, tube like. This peaked my interest and I went over to see for myself. I mentioned how I could only see it useful for painting and got out a paint brush and painted the laptop screen with white paint. Neither seemed to notice and I felt instantly stupid and apologized, grabbing a cloth to clean it off.

As I cleaned the screen they continued chatting. I ended up having to use paint thinner to get it clean. As I was rinsing the rag a woman sitting at the bar began to heave and cough. She began to throw up blood. I felt sorry for her but did nothing. Someone said she was a hemophiliac and it was normal and not to worry. The whole time everyone, even me, spoke Spanish.

Then my “brother” was there and it was his birthday. I mentioned he was 9 years old, but said, “nino” instead of the number. Then I remembered he was 10 and said, “No, he’s 10!” but I said, “Domingo” instead of “diez.” Everyone began to sing happy birthday in Spanish.

My counterpart and the blonde woman were still jabbering away, totally oblivious to me, so I left. As I left I asked someone behind the counter for help but got my words mixed up and had to tell him I didn’t know how to say it in Spanish. He pointed me toward the door and others came to assist me.

I got into a car and sped off, feeling very sad and rejected and wondering what I had done wrong. I recall following a route through the rough part of town and then taking a turnpike toward the newer section of the city. I looked at my reflection in the car mirror and I looked pretty bad. My face had large dry scabs and I looked pale and old. I compared myself to the blonde woman and realized I was no match for her.

Dream: Dead Dogs and Lost Car

At some point I parked and walked for a long time, talking to someone about how I felt. I ended up walking into the back of a brand new restaurant kitchen. The people watched me but said nothing. I went up through to the front and found them serving samples to a select few. I went directly to the door and outside where a woman dressed in a blue suit put a microphone up to my face and asked me if I was the owner. I stood there silent and shocked. Another woman came out and told me it was the grand opening of the restaurant and they thought I owned it. I told the reporter I had no idea and left feeling confused about how I had gotten there.

I walked searching for my car but did not know where I was. The city I was in was obviously not in Mexico. Everyone spoke English. It was also clean and modern. I wandered in the dark streets for a while lost and eventually ran into a woman walking her two dogs, one tiny and black the other large and white. She asked if I needed help, I said I did. She resembled the blonde woman from before but was not as nicely dressed.

We talked for a while, but I only remember feeling very sad. We were at a parking lot and I told her, “I can’t find my car.” She said, “I bet I know where you parked it.” I looked over the parking lot and saw some cars and several bloated, dead, white dogs. I remembered my dog Trooper then and knew he was in my car. I began to worry he would die. The woman reassured me he would be fine.

She asked me to tell her what was wrong and I told her about the failed date and how I felt rejected and unable to compete with the blonde woman. All I remember her saying now was, “But he asked you to come didn’t he?” I nodded. She said, “Then he wanted you there.” Her reassurance didn’t help and I began to worry more about my dog, thinking he was all I had left. I began to cry.

When I woke up the song, Come Monday was going over and over in my head. Specifically, “Come Monday, it’ll be alright. Come Monday, I’ll be holding you tight.”

Interpretation

The above three dreams were like one. When I woke I was beside myself with upset, still crying, and feeling confused and disoriented. When I remembered my current life and situation it compounded my upset. The woman in the dream, all professional, pretty and flawless, was in my mind. I saw her as perfect and me as flawed and undesirable. My mother in the first dream was also her, though I saw her differently – more mother-like. In all three parts she was happy, confident, and positive, jabbering away without a care in the world. 

I am certain we are discussing my emotional state in the beginning (apartments). I wish to overcome it but the reality is I am in poor condition (rundown apartments). I believe the professional woman is what I desire to be and the version I present to others. I hide the undesirable version of myself because I know she will be rejected for her unworthiness. My upset about my “true” self is apparent throughout the dream series and I feel it is the reason my counterpart rejects me. The new home at the end of the first part is to show me that the future holds promise. I am unwilling to look at it, though, still caught up in despair.

The boy in the dream looked like my brother. I suspect he represents my counterpart on some level, my masculine aspect. Domingo likely relates to spirituality, spiritual nourishment. The woman vomiting blood could be a deep emotional purging or cleansing and a cry for help. 

I can’t find my car or where I parked it. I feel unable to find my path, lost in life. The parking lot indicates a need for rest. The dead dogs represent loss or loss of a friend. 

I think the song was trying to give me hope that this too, will pass. I hope so. I am so very tired of feeling like this. Plus, Lunes comes after Domingo. lol

Dream: Grieving

I was at a home located on my grandparents land with a small group of friends. The dream scene was familiar but nothing like reality. We heard a young boy cry out and several of us went out after him in the dark. I remember not being able to see as I ran up the road. Ahead of me it was dark but behind me it was so bright I couldn’t see.

Then I was in a bathroom with a young boy. The bathroom was also his bedroom, though. His parents were throwing a party and it was quite loud. He stayed in his room to stay out of trouble. Someone said since his room and the bathroom were in the same room it was the perfect place for a friend to sneak in and molest him. I was horrified and worried about the boy.

The person I was with questioned the boy but he did not give out any information except that his parents often had parties and he hid there for his own protection. I remember recognizing the place and getting confused between the dream and reality. Someone asked the boy to give five positive events that happened in 2016. When they asked him, I began thinking of my own but ended up talking about my grandfather. I suddenly missed him horribly and began to cry. I remember saying, “I haven’t seen him in my dreams in so long. I hope he’s okay.” I heard back, “He’s okay. Don’t worry.”

I was still talking about him when I woke up.

Interpretation

I feel I was exploring parts of myself that need inspection in all of the dreams I had. When I woke from this dream I was thinking of all the male figures in my life who I loved and lost. My grandfather came to mind first followed by my father and then others in my life who have gone, not necessarily in death. I felt such horrible loss and I remember thinking “Why does everyone I love leave me?” This is not true, of course, but that is the place I found myself in when I awoke.

2016

I did think of 5 significant events in 2016 eventually. Mt. Shasta in May, Nashville in October, meeting my counterpart in October, the emotional/empathic overload of November and December, and all the Kundalini rising incidents inundating the year. And in the midst of it all was the fabulous time I had getting to know my counterpart along the way. It was a great year for the most part and I would not give it back for anything. I learned so much about myself and grew exponentially. It wasn’t always easy, but then who grows when life is easy?