Dream: Review of the Past

No tears in dreamland this morning. 🙂 I can’t say that the dreamwork has stopped, however. Seems a type of guide-led life review is in the works. These happen every once in a while but I suspect they are on-going as this life unfolds. The life reviews that I notice most, however, are the ones where I am conscious of my reaction to viewing certain incidents and/or patterns that I am being shown. Last night was a good example of this.

Dream: Review of the Past

This dream is fuzzy for the most part with certain scenes more vivid than others. I will do my best to recount as fully as possible.

The dream begins with me looking up my mom’s driveway at the gate. Someone has left a mess and so I go up to investigate. I am warned to be careful but have no fear as I pick up what look like large, yellow, plastic pipes with inserts. I pick them up and put the inserts inside and mention how someone must have taken them. I put them aside and a car pulls up.

Then I am on a road in Montana. I am in the car with my ex. We are young, probably in our first years of marriage. I do not recognize the road but it is typical of most roads in the state – two lanes with nothing but wide-open space and tall grass on either side.

My ex takes me to a club. We often went clubbing early on. He liked to country dance and hang out in bars with friends. This particular club felt sleazy to me. The women who worked there reminded me of topless dancers though there was nothing to indicate they were anything other than ordinary waitresses.

The dream gets fuzzy here but I remember talking to someone about my marriage and my treatment of my husband during that time. I make a statement – an evaluation of my time with him. Though the exact words are lost to me, it was along the lines of recognizing how the things that upset me were pointless and my focus on them a distraction from appreciating life and the beauty that surrounded me. I have had this realization before but in this dream it was particularly humbling. I remember seeing every moment with my ex in one streak of golden light that passed in front of my eyes from left to right. Contained within it were images – faces mostly. The feeling I got was very tense, like a ball of coiled up string. With it I remembered how I felt after our divorce – regret at how I treated him, the love I felt that was not expressed as often as it should have been, and the sadness that was left behind.

Back in the bar, another man joins us and is flirting with me. I am not attracted to him and ignore his advances but before I know what is happening he is beneath me sucking on my toes (someone trying to reassure me that I am progressing). I pull away in shock thinking him very strange.

As we leave the woman waitress invites me to return the next night – Tuesday.

I return the next day with my mom early in the morning – around 10am. The waitress greets us and asks us if we want to order lunch. My mom orders popcorn (positive growth) and comes back dropping half of it on the floor as she walks. I say to her, “Mom! You dropped half of your popcorn!” She doesn’t care and grabs a handful and eats it.

The bar is almost empty and as I look around I notice all the walls are garage doors (feeling stuck or “parked”). Some are open and some closed. When we attempt to leave all the doors begin to close, trapping us inside and leaving only one exit (only one path forward). The waitress tells me our car will be pulled inside and we can leave through the one open door.

Dream: Contract Advice

I am sitting at a desk with a woman sitting on my left. Another women is sitting across from us. There is a computer monitor on the left of the woman. The woman is looking at the screen and being shown paperwork she is to fill out electronically. I am giving her advice about the contract which feels like a mortgage. She is concerned about her credit score and asking how long it will take for it to improve. I tell her that it should take about 5 years. She doesn’t like hearing this. I say, “5 years is nothing. It will fly by. You’ll see.” In my mind I am reminded of how fast my life has passed me by since I had children. Then, I tell her about my own experience and how quickly I was able to correct my score and then corrected myself and said it was not my credit I was fixing but another’s.

As I tell the woman to my left about how lucky she is to not have to sign a huge stack of paperwork the lady behind the desk continues to talk and looks straight at me as if I am not there. When the lady finishes speaking she pulls out a pile of papers and says to me, “I printed these today.” She handed me one of the papers and I look at it. It seems to be insurance policies. I can still see the boxes and lettering in my mind now, but cannot remember the words. I turn to a page that is about insurance that covers car accidents. It covers all vehicles for the life of the person who owns the policy. I see a flash of a white car whose bumper is crumpled in with a gash in the passenger side door. I remember thinking that I will buy the policy because it is a great idea and costs only $5 a year. I see in my mind all the cars I have owned and how few accidents I have had but think it a good idea to get the policy “just in case” I have an accident.

Interpretation

I woke up knowing that I was looking for assurance that my life choices would be covered if I were to make a mistake. It also felt like there was a type of contract negotiation going on where I was telling a version of myself about how long it would take to repair my “credit”. Perhaps “credit” = karma? And “contract” is referring to the length of time it will take to repay karmic debt? The number 5 repeats in this dream making me wonder if perhaps it will be another 5 years before the contract is complete. To think of that length of time is daunting but at the same time I know the advice I give myself in the dream is true – time does indeed fly. 5 years is nothing!

Memories

I spent very little time thinking of the contract dream and shifted back to the first one. It is quite humbling as I recall the flash of memory. It is obvious to me that the same pattern is repeating in my current marriage. I feel like crap and say to my guidance, “I’m not doing good.” I am told, “You are doing just fine.” There is some agonizing at my own actions and how I can’t seem to stop acting/behaving in a certain way in response to certain circumstances. It doesn’t make sense and I feel caught in a trap of sorts. My guidance reminds me that I purposefully chose this human body and personality for a reason. With this reminder I feel as if I am playing a role and doing so as rehearsed. At the same time this feeling is rejected and feels wrong. I am conflicted by this juxtaposition and do not know how to respond.

For some reason my memories shift back to my “other” life with my ex. One particular moment stands out. I am at a karaoke bar with my ex and some of his friends. I go up and sing. It goes so well they encourage me to go up again. I do but I cannot find the right key and end up feeling foolish and stepping down feeling embarrassed. I don’t go up and sing again. Everyone is understanding but I feel humiliated and angry and sit there quietly until we leave. The song I failed at singing was, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks. I screwed up because I have to sing it an octave higher than it is written and when the song began to play I was unable to find that higher octave.

The song has stayed with me all morning. Specifically the “thunder rolls and the lightning strikes, another love grows cold…”

This memory is one of those that stands out from the rest. And the review I had in the dream was like that. All I saw were moments that stood out. The rest was a blur. That is how memory is in general. The past is just a blur of feelings mixed in with occasional vivid moments that stick in the memory. The general feeling when it is all over is what sticks. Just like a dream, we come out of life with a feeling that summarizes our experiences. Each phase of life “tastes” unique and blends with the next until there is a full meal of varying flavors in the end.

When I think on the memory of that karaoke moment I am reminded of my overall “serious” outlook on life. I should have laughed at myself. I should have relaxed and had more fun. I am reminded of how, just recently, I sang karaoke and did just that. It was fun, not serious at all.

I am aware of my tendency to retract within myself when I feel negative emotion, to lash out at those around me. Though aware of this tendency and despite intending to change my response, I end up repeating the cycle over and over.

The memory of that long past incident feels like an indicator of what was to come. Even now I recall the road we drove to the bar, vivid flashes in my mind. I can see the inside of the bar, the drinks, the crowd and the music. I remember feeling out of place, lost and unsure of myself, my life and where I was going.

With all this memory and realization I wonder to my guidance, “What do I do?” I see the same junction in my life as back then. So many similarities. The choices I made back then, were they the wrong ones? Were they the right ones? Is the solution to stick it out or to get out while the gettin’s good? And through it all I feel like no matter what I do, I am trapped in a certain path. That all decisions will lead to the same final outcome. Like I am doomed to play out this life with this personality and have little control over any of it. It feels unfair. I feel like I can’t help but be the “bad guy” in the end. Hurting everyone despite trying to do the opposite. When I think of making significant connections with others, I think that is probably best that I don’t in the end because I will likely screw up their life. I think, “They’re probably better off without me.” And sadly – honestly, I believe that to be true.

And to think, when this life is over, all that will be left are impressions, emotions blurred together with occasional flashes of insight. I guess all I can do is focus on how I want the memory to taste.

 

Advertisements

Synchronization

This morning this was revealed to me quite suddenly when I responded to a comment on FB:

There is a major purging of karmic debts, past life and current life issues, going on right now. We are being encouraged to let go of old habits and patterns and move into the “new”. To do this we have to be fully present in our bodies and in the moment.

There are multidimensional cross-overs occurring. This happened to me all day yesterday, as if I was/am working on several aspects of myself and synchronizing them. I spent most of the day yesterday doing this and was aware of it happening as time kept hiccuping/slowing down/speeding up and in those moments things were revealed to be let go of.

I spent most of the day yesterday walking around in a strange state of in-between. Life seemed very dream-like for the most part. At times different aspects of my day would be suddenly very clear, as if they were plucked out of my “dream” and presented to me for analysis. When this occurred, it was like time slowed down and I was standing face to face with some detail or consideration for inspection.

Crying Baby

In one instance I was at Target randomly walking around, not really sure why I was there. I heard a very small infant crying and this caught my attention. Time slowed down.

I saw the mother walking with a very new newborn on her shoulder. From that point on, I was tuned to this child and his mother and the moments ticked by very slowly.

As I exited the store the mother was checking out and the baby was wailing louder and most insistently. The mother said, “We are leaving now. It’s okay” and walked out of the store. I followed behind, observing as she threw a baby blanket right over his face and he stopped crying.

I became overly concerned then that the baby would suffocate and I had huge sympathy for the baby. I watched as the mother walked to her car.

I contemplated this for a while. I felt “off” and analyzed why. What was it that was causing this feeling and this obsession with the baby? It was then that my memory was flooded with images of other babies, other lifetimes, other situations. I recognized this was being presented to me for inspection. When I let it go, the concern for the baby vanished and in its place was the thought, “Things like that happen all the time and they shouldn’t. Children are tossed away, put into trashcans, thrown into deep wells, slaughtered in front of their mothers. It doesn’t have to be like this. It won’t always be like this”. It was an understanding that humanity was ready to move past this; to take a stand. That I was ready to take a stand.

Synchronization

As the day progressed, the slowed time continued to occur in blips, each time revealing something for inspection. Communication came in knowingness and understanding. It was/is very surreal.

Later, as I watched T.V., I became suddenly tired, my eyes drooping and my head feeling heavy with energy. I wanted to watch my show, but it seemed I was being told not to. In fact, I got the feeling that I needed to lay down.

I finally conceded and went upstairs to lay down. When I did, I felt strong sensations in my body – physical ones that were unfamiliar and odd. Specifically, my eyes hurt. I wanted to shield them but even this did not help. I also had a strange feeling in my right side that is hard to describe. It was not in a specific place but it made every position I laid in uncomfortable. These sensations were especially noticeable if I laid on my back.

Eventually I must have fallen asleep because I heard distinctly: “Don’t question the question until it has been thoroughly analyzed”. This brought on full awareness and I could not settle back down. All the strange sensations had vanished.

It was only later today that all these events began to make sense. I am putting the pieces of me back together. They have been long scattered over many lifetimes, making the completeness that is me difficult to access in this physical incarnation. Each slowing down of time, each inspection of emotion and thought, each connection made brings back an aspect of the Self that was lost back into the whole. This is the synchronization of the Self. Piece by piece brought into alignment and made whole.

It is this completeness that is the goal.

Peace

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

I woke this morning with the chorus from this song in my head and a feeling similar to how I was feeling not long ago – I didn’t want to get out of bed. A specific line of the chorus, “we’re only here, oh, for a little while”, kept repeating in my head. I love the song and it has been used to relay a message to me before, but this morning I just didn’t want to hear it.

Where Did the Memories Go?

As the song played in my head, memories of my youth began to trickle in. Specifically, a memory from when I was 12 years old. My father came back into my life after years of disconnection. He just popped back in, out of blue, and acted as if nothing had changed. Of course, me being 12 and all, everything had changed.

He brought with him a girlfriend. A very garish woman with big hair and penciled in eyebrows that made her look like a clown. Her makeup was dark and befitting of a twenty-something year old. Yet her clothing was more in line with her age – around 50 or 60. I don’t remember the woman’s name now, but I know I instantly did not like her. This is also not surprising considering the circumstances.

We went to a fancy restaurant – Red Lobster (back then it was considered high end – really!). We were there to celebrate my younger sister’s birthday. She would be turning 10. After eating, the garish woman and my father presented my sister with her gift and I was extremely jealous when she opened it. She got Clinique make-up! I remember looking at the little, sea green compact and feeling my heart sink. I thought to myself, “She is too young for that!” and wanting it desperately for myself. But I kept my mouth closed and smiled, pretending to be happy for her.

The memory stopped there but the feeling of it did not. I was so full of hate back then. It was me against the world. It was vile. I am not sure how I made it through my teens because that feeling pretty much stayed with me until I was in my mid-twenties. It grew and changed as I suppressed it and tried hard to not become the effect of it. Sometimes I managed to keep it at bay but most of the time it hung over me like a dark rain cloud.

Much of my feelings stemmed from anger but I also believe I brought some of them into this life with me. Especially the feeling that I should be loved more than my siblings. I secretly always wanted to be an only child. I have since remembered my last life. It was brief but I do know one thing – I was the only child. Hmmm. Ha! I was also not treated well and my life ended in a horrible way – murdered by a father figure; drowned in a shallow fountain in an unfamiliar place. Torn from my family, life taken from me abruptly and betrayed by someone I thought loved me, I found myself trapped between the Other Side and Earth – bound to a life that was no longer mine.

All these memories were instantly with me as I awoke this morning. Why? Perhaps it was because yesterday, looking into my daughter’s face as we spent time reading together before bed, I thought about how I use to cherish similar memories of my own childhood, yet, I could not remember them. Where did they go? And I thought to myself that this must be why I am so bitter about having to live life. I have lost memories I once cherished.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_One Life, Many Me’s

I read yesterday in one of the many blogs I now follow on WordPress that as we change, we leave a part of ourselves behind. We shift into a new Self. This is part of living. It is part of change. And change is the one constant – it is expected, though many of us fear it and reject it.

I have had many me’s in this life. The first, my childhood – when joy and laughter were still very much a part of my life. This me only lasted for about six years. Too short, if you ask me.The second me began with my parent’s divorce and stayed until my mid-twenties. This was probably the most challenging part of my life. I went through middle and high school, met my first husband, went to college and then left my first husband. I lived in parts of the U.S. I never thought I would and traveled across the world to Australia and the U.K. Yet I was not complete. I felt lacking. All the time.

The third me emerged with my spiritual awakening at around the age of 26. I recall recognizing the other me’s during this time. They felt foreign to me. When I looked at those me’s a didn’t recognize them as a part of me. I was so different. There is no way they could be me. Even now, when I recall memories of those times, they seem surreal and dreamlike, as if they were just one of my many astral travels.

And now I feel like I am entering into another stage, one that will create yet another me. Hopefully the final me. I have yet to see where one me ended and another began, but this could be because I am in the midst of it. I worry that in order to transform into the new me there needs to be a drastic ending somewhere. For example, the beginning of the current me came after several drastic ends – the biggest being divorce. The ending of the childhood me came with divorce as well. And it could be that there will be divorce this time as well, but not necessarily the divorce of man and woman but a divorce of old habits, behaviors and beliefs.

Peace

The final feeling that came with hearing the song by O.A.R. this morning was an irritation at not getting to astral along with a rejection of astral travel – almost as if it serves only to slow me down right now rather than help me progress at the rate I should be. Typical of that internal conflict that has proved so difficult to overcome in this life – the ego versus the Self. Always, when I thought about the purpose astral travel serves in my life, I heard the line “we’re only here for a little while”, as if to say “Focus on living your life now, not on other planes of existence as it is this existence which is most important at this time”. And the message is clear – we are only here for a little while, just a blink compared to the eternity of that which we are. And the peace we find in ourselves can be found anywhere, even here on Earth, if we accept our chosen path, do not allow the ego to confuse us and misguide us, and travel it wholeheartedly. Easier said than done.