Dream: Review of the Past

No tears in dreamland this morning. 🙂 I can’t say that the dreamwork has stopped, however. Seems a type of guide-led life review is in the works. These happen every once in a while but I suspect they are on-going as this life unfolds. The life reviews that I notice most, however, are the ones where I am conscious of my reaction to viewing certain incidents and/or patterns that I am being shown. Last night was a good example of this.

Dream: Review of the Past

This dream is fuzzy for the most part with certain scenes more vivid than others. I will do my best to recount as fully as possible.

The dream begins with me looking up my mom’s driveway at the gate. Someone has left a mess and so I go up to investigate. I am warned to be careful but have no fear as I pick up what look like large, yellow, plastic pipes with inserts. I pick them up and put the inserts inside and mention how someone must have taken them. I put them aside and a car pulls up.

Then I am on a road in Montana. I am in the car with my ex. We are young, probably in our first years of marriage. I do not recognize the road but it is typical of most roads in the state – two lanes with nothing but wide-open space and tall grass on either side.

My ex takes me to a club. We often went clubbing early on. He liked to country dance and hang out in bars with friends. This particular club felt sleazy to me. The women who worked there reminded me of topless dancers though there was nothing to indicate they were anything other than ordinary waitresses.

The dream gets fuzzy here but I remember talking to someone about my marriage and my treatment of my husband during that time. I make a statement – an evaluation of my time with him. Though the exact words are lost to me, it was along the lines of recognizing how the things that upset me were pointless and my focus on them a distraction from appreciating life and the beauty that surrounded me. I have had this realization before but in this dream it was particularly humbling. I remember seeing every moment with my ex in one streak of golden light that passed in front of my eyes from left to right. Contained within it were images – faces mostly. The feeling I got was very tense, like a ball of coiled up string. With it I remembered how I felt after our divorce – regret at how I treated him, the love I felt that was not expressed as often as it should have been, and the sadness that was left behind.

Back in the bar, another man joins us and is flirting with me. I am not attracted to him and ignore his advances but before I know what is happening he is beneath me sucking on my toes (someone trying to reassure me that I am progressing). I pull away in shock thinking him very strange.

As we leave the woman waitress invites me to return the next night – Tuesday.

I return the next day with my mom early in the morning – around 10am. The waitress greets us and asks us if we want to order lunch. My mom orders popcorn (positive growth) and comes back dropping half of it on the floor as she walks. I say to her, “Mom! You dropped half of your popcorn!” She doesn’t care and grabs a handful and eats it.

The bar is almost empty and as I look around I notice all the walls are garage doors (feeling stuck or “parked”). Some are open and some closed. When we attempt to leave all the doors begin to close, trapping us inside and leaving only one exit (only one path forward). The waitress tells me our car will be pulled inside and we can leave through the one open door.

Dream: Contract Advice

I am sitting at a desk with a woman sitting on my left. Another women is sitting across from us. There is a computer monitor on the left of the woman. The woman is looking at the screen and being shown paperwork she is to fill out electronically. I am giving her advice about the contract which feels like a mortgage. She is concerned about her credit score and asking how long it will take for it to improve. I tell her that it should take about 5 years. She doesn’t like hearing this. I say, “5 years is nothing. It will fly by. You’ll see.” In my mind I am reminded of how fast my life has passed me by since I had children. Then, I tell her about my own experience and how quickly I was able to correct my score and then corrected myself and said it was not my credit I was fixing but another’s.

As I tell the woman to my left about how lucky she is to not have to sign a huge stack of paperwork the lady behind the desk continues to talk and looks straight at me as if I am not there. When the lady finishes speaking she pulls out a pile of papers and says to me, “I printed these today.” She handed me one of the papers and I look at it. It seems to be insurance policies. I can still see the boxes and lettering in my mind now, but cannot remember the words. I turn to a page that is about insurance that covers car accidents. It covers all vehicles for the life of the person who owns the policy. I see a flash of a white car whose bumper is crumpled in with a gash in the passenger side door. I remember thinking that I will buy the policy because it is a great idea and costs only $5 a year. I see in my mind all the cars I have owned and how few accidents I have had but think it a good idea to get the policy “just in case” I have an accident.

Interpretation

I woke up knowing that I was looking for assurance that my life choices would be covered if I were to make a mistake. It also felt like there was a type of contract negotiation going on where I was telling a version of myself about how long it would take to repair my “credit”. Perhaps “credit” = karma? And “contract” is referring to the length of time it will take to repay karmic debt? The number 5 repeats in this dream making me wonder if perhaps it will be another 5 years before the contract is complete. To think of that length of time is daunting but at the same time I know the advice I give myself in the dream is true – time does indeed fly. 5 years is nothing!

Memories

I spent very little time thinking of the contract dream and shifted back to the first one. It is quite humbling as I recall the flash of memory. It is obvious to me that the same pattern is repeating in my current marriage. I feel like crap and say to my guidance, “I’m not doing good.” I am told, “You are doing just fine.” There is some agonizing at my own actions and how I can’t seem to stop acting/behaving in a certain way in response to certain circumstances. It doesn’t make sense and I feel caught in a trap of sorts. My guidance reminds me that I purposefully chose this human body and personality for a reason. With this reminder I feel as if I am playing a role and doing so as rehearsed. At the same time this feeling is rejected and feels wrong. I am conflicted by this juxtaposition and do not know how to respond.

For some reason my memories shift back to my “other” life with my ex. One particular moment stands out. I am at a karaoke bar with my ex and some of his friends. I go up and sing. It goes so well they encourage me to go up again. I do but I cannot find the right key and end up feeling foolish and stepping down feeling embarrassed. I don’t go up and sing again. Everyone is understanding but I feel humiliated and angry and sit there quietly until we leave. The song I failed at singing was, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks. I screwed up because I have to sing it an octave higher than it is written and when the song began to play I was unable to find that higher octave.

The song has stayed with me all morning. Specifically the “thunder rolls and the lightning strikes, another love grows cold…”

This memory is one of those that stands out from the rest. And the review I had in the dream was like that. All I saw were moments that stood out. The rest was a blur. That is how memory is in general. The past is just a blur of feelings mixed in with occasional vivid moments that stick in the memory. The general feeling when it is all over is what sticks. Just like a dream, we come out of life with a feeling that summarizes our experiences. Each phase of life “tastes” unique and blends with the next until there is a full meal of varying flavors in the end.

When I think on the memory of that karaoke moment I am reminded of my overall “serious” outlook on life. I should have laughed at myself. I should have relaxed and had more fun. I am reminded of how, just recently, I sang karaoke and did just that. It was fun, not serious at all.

I am aware of my tendency to retract within myself when I feel negative emotion, to lash out at those around me. Though aware of this tendency and despite intending to change my response, I end up repeating the cycle over and over.

The memory of that long past incident feels like an indicator of what was to come. Even now I recall the road we drove to the bar, vivid flashes in my mind. I can see the inside of the bar, the drinks, the crowd and the music. I remember feeling out of place, lost and unsure of myself, my life and where I was going.

With all this memory and realization I wonder to my guidance, “What do I do?” I see the same junction in my life as back then. So many similarities. The choices I made back then, were they the wrong ones? Were they the right ones? Is the solution to stick it out or to get out while the gettin’s good? And through it all I feel like no matter what I do, I am trapped in a certain path. That all decisions will lead to the same final outcome. Like I am doomed to play out this life with this personality and have little control over any of it. It feels unfair. I feel like I can’t help but be the “bad guy” in the end. Hurting everyone despite trying to do the opposite. When I think of making significant connections with others, I think that is probably best that I don’t in the end because I will likely screw up their life. I think, “They’re probably better off without me.” And sadly – honestly, I believe that to be true.

And to think, when this life is over, all that will be left are impressions, emotions blurred together with occasional flashes of insight. I guess all I can do is focus on how I want the memory to taste.

 

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Roberto and Tina

I awoke in the morning feeling very cold. I turned over to lay on my back and had a strong thought: “Get the blanket”. With the thought came a visual of the baby blanket laying in the crib nearby. In the vision I got the blanket and put it over myself for more warmth. It was so cold I thought back, “It’s too cold” and snuggled up under the covers. The thought kept coming, “Get it”. After a few times, I finally gave in to it and retrieved the blanket and put it over me. I fell back to sleep very quickly after that.

Lucid Dream

I soon found myself in my mother’s house, a familiar astral environment of mine. I was not fully aware, but I was somewhat lucid in that I recognized I should not be there and something was not quite right. My mind was a buzz with thought; conversations with myself dominating. I was upset about the book I just finished reading: Doing Time on Earth by Catherine Berger. Specifically, I was upset about the parts of the book where she remembers being on the Other Side. What bothered me most was that she felt no emotional connection to her sister when they met in the afterlife. She had loved her very much in life but was practically repelled by her sister in the afterlife and tried to avoid her. I also was upset by the fact that she allowed her Higher Self to do all the next life planning. She almost seemed completely naive and happily ignorant of anything more than her self-created illusion of Heaven. These two aspects of Berger’s description of the Other Side had gone with me into my sleep and I was certain that I was likely just as naive and ignorant as Berger was between lives. I compared myself and what I have remembered of my past lives to her accounts and found myself horribly lacking. It upset me because I had begun to think myself more advanced than most people. I know this is an Ego issue more than anything but at the time of the dream I was not considering that Ego was even a part of how I was feeling. It just seemed pointless to struggle through life after life, slowly and painfully making “progress”. It was unfair!

As I was thinking of these things, I was acting out a dream with other players. They were familiar to me but not people I know in this life. I spent a lot of time in the living room and the bedroom. In the living area I spoke with a man who was very attractive and I felt drawn to him. I thought of him as my step-brother. He was discussing a “plan” and I wanted to be a part of it. In the dream it was about bodybuilding but the objects I was seeing looked more like 3D computer code, cut out in various colors and set upon a board. I recall feeling a bit split during the dream. There was the me that was dreaming and the me that was talking to herself, mulling over her considerations about life after death.

At one point, I entered the bathroom to put in my contact lenses. I had a plan: I was going to get the attention of the man but I needed to get ready and put in my contacts. The bathroom was a mess. It looked like someone had emptied out all the lower cabinets. One side was full of makeup and I remember thinking it was my younger sister’s stuff. I looked through it curiously and then lost interest. The other side was full of toys – action figures and magnetic toys that a young boy would play with. I looked for my contact lens case within the mess of toys and found it. I opened one side and smoothly extracted the lens and popped it into my eye. I could see clearer in that eye and, satisfied, went to put in the other lens. When I opened that side of the case, the left side, I found a large, tan, gauze bandage. It was perfectly square. I brought it up to my eye before I noticed what it was and stopped and looked at it. “I can’t put this in my eye! Someone has taken my contact lens!”, I thought to myself. I immediately thought it must have been my younger brother.

The dream seemed to become hazy and shifty at this point and I found myself going across the road to my neighbor’s house. I was uncertain why I was there at first. I saw a African America woman walking in her garage. The garage door was open and she was inspecting a large, black piece of machinery. I approached her saying to her, “You’re my neighbor!” I looked closely at her, noting her short stature, short, relaxed, black hair and smooth skin. I knew she was about 50ish and I remembered seeing her and her husband in their garage often. I had waved at her just a couple of days ago. She looked at me and smiled. “Yes! Hello!” then thought for a moment and said, “Are you interested in buying our treadmill? We are about the same age and I think you would like it”. I looked at it and noted it was a Nordic Track. It was in good condition. I also thought it odd that she thought we were the same age.

The lady went over to another black metal piece and said, “This is part of it. It makes it incline”. I told her, “Yes. It is a good treadmill. I have heard good things about Nordic Track”. She showed me how the incline worked saying, “If you want it, you should get it now. Some people are coming to look at it soon.” I said, “I would buy it if I didn’t already have one. Mine is a ProForm and over 10 years old but works really good”. I then looked down at the floor of the garage and saw that it was covered in wood, laminate flooring. I remarked about this, thinking it odd and out of place, but the lady did not respond.

This conversation was very real to me and I felt very much like I had somehow walked over to this woman’s house but could not remember how I got there. It was also daytime and the weather was nice with a bright, almost cloudless sky. The scene seemed off to me and something about it told me I was dreaming. What was weird is that the conversation I had with this neighbor was all very easy to recall and the information, at least mine, was accurate. Also, my neighbor really did look like this lady and I now wonder if she is really selling a treadmill.

It was at this point that I began to gain lucidity. It was gradual but as I left my neighbor’s house I went back towards my own house and then popped quickly into a house I was not familiar with. I decided to fly and immediately found myself flying and very much enjoying the feeling. The house I was in was large and Spanish looking. I saw a woman and two girls in the kitchen. They were very obviously of Spanish origin. I remember thinking, “Why is everyone Hispanic?” I flew through the living area which had a very golden light to it. It had ornate wooden trim and very nice furnishings. Whoever lived here was well off.

I flew under the arches of the kitchen and the two girls saw me. They appeared to be twins, both wearing white smocks. The mother had her back to me.

I left them in the kitchen, fully knowing I was dreaming and happily exploring the area. I had an inkling I was not myself so looked for a mirror. I wanted to see who I was.

I located an ornate mirror with gold embellishments. I went up to it and instantly saw myself. I was much shorter than I thought myself to be and as I looked at my face, it shifted and turned a more tan color than is my original coloring. My hair was golden and cut short like it is in waking life but it also shifted and turned a darker shade, though remained golden. I tried to focus on the face but it kept shifting. I then smiled and said, “I am Tina!”

I turned, suddenly filled with elation at knowing who I was and where I was. I had transported to another life and I was happy to explore and reunite with my family.

I flew outside to a courtyard and saw many people milling about. It was a bright and sunny day and the scene reminded me of something out of a Spanish or Mexican painting with all kinds of oranges and browns mixed with bright reds and yellows. The Mexican feel was strong and as I saw it I grew ever more pleased. I flew high up in the air and looked down. I swear I yelled down at the people but I don’t know what I said. They looked up at me, smiling. There were at least 10 or 12 or them, maybe more. All dressed in Mexican clothing that was woven with bright colors.

I asked the crowd, “Where’s my brother?” A woman pointed toward a corner section. I wanted to see him and so headed that direction. When I got to him, he appeared to be in bed, covered with blankets and sleeping. I don’t know why I didn’t see that a bed in the middle of a courtyard was out of place. I didn’t seem to care. I was more interested in finding this man. He peeked his face out of the blankets and when I saw him I was filled with glee. I went towards him and my vision blacked out.

OBE: Roberto and Tina

I felt the familiar energy of being OOB and knew I was near my physical body. I set the intention to return and did almost immediately.

I found myself back inside the Spanish style house. I flew into the kitchen and accidentally bumped into a mother and child who were drying dishes. They exclaimed when I did and I quickly apologized. I remember being surprised that they responded to me and could see me.

I went into a bedroom and there were two girls watching TV covered up in white bedding. These were the same two girls I saw previously wearing white smocks. I knew they were my sisters. I asked, “Where is Roberto?” They pointed to another bed in the corner.

I went up to the bed and saw a man was laying in it. I knew this was my brother and I knew we were in love. I was happy and knew I wanted to be with him. I said, “Roberto!” and he popped his head out of the covers and smiled at me.

Roberto was light skinned with very black hair. It was shoulder length and thick. He smiled when he saw me and I took his hand. He floated out of the bed and I let him grab onto me from behind, piggy back style. I was aware that his thighs were uncovered and very smooth and feminine looking. My intent was to make love to him. I hadn’t seen him in a long time! There was a part of me thinking, “He’s my brother. That is wrong” but another part was thinking, “It doesn’t matter!”

Roberto was happy to see me and I knew we had a history together. I remember thinking to myself, “I need to remember this. I need to remember his name and my name”. So I thought about the names, spelling them in my head multiple times. I also knew I was saying my name wrong. I was saying “Tina” like in America but it was suppose to have a “ny” sound. I said it to myself that way and laughed. It was nice to be reunited with him!

In the kitchen I put him down and turned toward him. He was unclothed and appeared very feminine looking, but I did not care. I fell into him and we began to make love on the table. What is odd is that while this was happening, I felt myself on the other side of the room, talking to him and watching as we made love. I then saw that I was cuddling a small, hairless kitten or cat and talking with Roberto, not making love to him. Yet I could feel my root chakra very activated. It was like I was in two places and really weird. It all felt very scandalous but something in me knew it didn’t matter what we did – it was all an illusion anyway.

I came back to my body then and felt very relaxed and calm. Yet I was also very unhappy, still thinking about the book and the author’s experience of the Other Side. Again I began to consider how very pointless all the relationships I had in this life would appear once I died. It bothered me that I could end up not feeling the same for them once I left this body. I concluded that I had returned to a past life situation and played out something that normally would have been “wrong” and “taboo”. I did so without guilt because I knew the taboo was an illusion and the wrongness of it was relative.

Factors Influencing Projection

I decided I am going to start recording certain information along with my OBEs and lucid dreams so that I can determine if there are any factors that may be affecting my projections.

Time of going to bed: 10pm
Time of waking up: 6:30am

Meditation: none.
Physical Exercise: none.
Mood: disinterested, depressed
Body: normal, no pain
Level of tiredness: moderate
Number of night wakings: 2

Projection techniques used: none

Sleeping position(s): on side, on back (projected when laying on my back)

Food and drink (not norml): ate out for lunch – Fish Tacos.
Dietary supplements taken (if any): Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

Lucidity on a scale of 1-10 (1 being lowest level and 10 being hyper lucid awareness (more real than real)): 7