Last night was a rough night emotionally. I got out my laptop to check my email and such and immediately noticed one of the posts had 444 views. In that moment I felt to my left the presence of one of my guides. Ignoring him and shrugging off the message, I moved on to Netflix. I started watching Call the Midwife and adjusted my laptop. That’s when I saw the reflection of one of my paintings in the screen. The particular painting was the symbol that represents what happens when two complementary energies/souls meet. I tried to ignore the image but it kept coming up despite my changing my laptop’s position. Eventually the image caused me to focus on it and the 444 came back to mind along with a message that I was not alone. I burst into tears and a huge outflow of emotion seemed to well up from deep within.
This time last year I was going through a very difficult time and if I compare it to what I am experiencing now I am grateful to be where I am. With Thanksgiving coming I should be focusing on gratitude, we all should, but when the sadness hits me and my heart overflows I struggle to see the blessings in my life. I am overcome with regret and grief. At the time of this outflow of sorrow I couldn’t help but think to myself, “I made the wrong decision.” My guidance has always said, “There are no mistakes, just choices” and I agree wholeheartedly but the suffering I am causing myself is undeserved. Yet I can’t seem to stop it. It certainly feels like I am punishing myself but I don’t know why.
Kundalini and Dreams
To my surprise I had some Kundalini energy in my dreams that woke me up early on in the night. I can’t recall anything of the dream now except bending down to pick up something and then being hit with energy in my root chakra. I only woke briefly and returned to sleep to have more of the same energy continue throughout the night. I did not wake again from it, though.
My only guess as to the source of the very strong root chakra energy is my choice to be abstinent. Even in my dreams I am avoiding sexual encounters, talking myself out of it and reminding myself that I don’t need sex and that attraction to the male gender is to be avoided. My goal is to seek a higher connection with Source and sex only distracts from that (at least that is my reasoning).
My dreams from the night are disappearing from my memory even as I type this. I remember holding a necklace in my hand at one point. It was inside a box in a little girl’s room and connected to a memory being remembered in the dream. The necklace was gold with a tiny, emerald pendant in the shape of three leaves. I attempted to put it on but the clasp would not allow it.
The pendant reminded me of the Trinity Knot of Celtic origins and how it represents the Goddess as the mother, maiden and crone.
In another dream I was cleaning up a bathroom and rearranging the counter, clearing it of debris for my mother. My sister’s stuff was everywhere and I was putting it in the cabinet and sorting through it. There was an abundance of makeup (putting on a mask, vanity, pride) and I remember thinking of my preference for not wearing much, if any makeup now.
Then there was a dream where I was helping two students with a new kind of math (logic, rationality). There was a name for it but I can’t recall it now. What I recall of it is that it was all circles with tiny numbers (mostly 8’s) and a device like a compass but in the shape of a crescent was used to draw the circles.
When I awoke songs were in my head. One in particular was from my youth. It use to be one of my favorite songs. I had all but forgotten the song existed until I heard it on the radio the other day. The specific part that was going over and over in my mind was this:
We don’t even have pictures Just memories to hold That grow sweeter each season As we slowly grow old
Not long after this song was going through my mind, another song came to mind but only specific lyrics:
And I can’t fight this feeling anymore I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for It’s time to bring this ship into the shore And throw away the oars, forever
I have heard the song before and it was quite out of the blue that it came to me this morning. It seems the message is to not fight my feelings. That is a continual message I receive which indicates that I must be resisting feeling something. The only thing I can figure is that I am resisting feeling the pain that comes with the overwhelming love that I feel. It is love but it is pain and the two seem to go together. You can’t have one without the other I guess. But that seems wrong to me. What I think is that the pain comes from one’s past – past lives specifically – and beliefs about love. But then I’m not sure that is it either. I suppose I will figure it out at some point. The answer is probably super simple and my dense human mind keeps me from seeing it.
My guidance keeps urging me to communicate what I am feeling but whenever they suggest it I tell them, “It’s not good for me. It rekindles false hope.” There is also fear that in communicating what I feel I will expose myself to rejection and more pain/upset. As long as there is expectation there will be pain.
So my decision is to stay the course and hopefully, with time, I will find freedom from this sadness and heartsickness that has been plaguing me.
It’s been a busy last few days and it will just get busier with the Thanksgiving holiday and my wedding anniversary next week. This week went fast with all that was scheduled in. On Thursday my morning was spent having Thanksgiving lunch with my kids at their school. Yesterday there was a poems and pies event that the 1st graders presented (my son’s grade level) and my mom and brother joined us. Today we have a family photo session booked, the first in three years.
Me and my daughter at her school for Thanksgiving lunch.
Goodbye Braces!
Friday was a big day for me. I got my braces removed! I had them for 18 months, 6+ of which was to correct an overbite. I still have a slight overbite because I am missing one of my lower front teeth. It’s genetic/hereditary and the tooth has never been there. However, I could care less. I just wanted to fix my top teeth which have been crooked since my teens.
Here are before/after images. Most of you probably see no issue with my before image but after years of hiding my smile and being called “snaggle tooth” (lovingly) by my family and friends I finally fixed my smile. According to my orthodontist, fixing my bite was the best thing I could have done because it was wearing away the tops of my lower teeth. By my 60s-70s it was likely I would have had worn down my lower, front teeth to nothing but jagged stubs.
What is interesting about my braces coming off is that over a year ago, when in the midst of some intense life lessons, I recall thinking about my future and the timing of certain life decisions/events – decisions I badly wanted to make but felt would be “too soon” if I did. At the time I kept thinking, “I need to wait until my braces come off.” I convinced myself it was because it would be more convenient and left it at that. However, during the days leading to the day they actually were removed the memory of that decision/thought from way back in 2016 returned to me as if saying, “The time is near.” Could I have somehow known something significant way back then was connected to this time in my life? IDK, I guess I will know soon enough.
Anxiety
Last night my husband and I went to another of his company functions to celebrate the company’s success. The company does this frequently and I’ve attended several already this year. The celebration began at the Roaring Fork restaurant and after we attended a performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard at the The Paramount Theatre.
I had a pretty good time but, like the last two events, I had a drink and it brought on anxiety. This time, however, I opted to not finish my drink and was able to stave off the anxiety for the most part. After I gave my drink away (lol) I continued to have waves of panic hit but they were moderate to low. The feeling that would come over me was that I suddenly heard every noise loudly and my senses in general felt overloaded. It was as if I was overly aware of every.single.person in the room.
By the time we were in the Paramount watching the show, the anxiety was still threatening and I finally had to close my eyes and imagine myself within a sphere of golden light/protection. I did this with the suspicion that my anxiety was being fueled by my being too open and thus feeling “exposed” because by that point there was no alcohol in my system. To my surprise my protection visualization worked and all anxiety vanished as if it was never there. However, afterward I got super tired to the point of hardly being able to keep my eyes open. We ended up leaving during the intermission and missing the second half of the show.
I am coming to the conclusion that alcohol is a no-no for me now. I have come to that conclusion before but continue to shrug it off and try it out again and again with the same results. Sigh. Why can’t I just enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita every once in a while!?
It may also be that I am having my “one drink” when in social situations and it somehow causes me to be too wide open and so overwhelms me. Last night it felt like I was lost in a crowd, like there was a sea of faces and thoughts that were about to drown me. I would feel light headed and dizzy and then fight it only to have the feeling come on again. It really sucked.
The performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard was really good, however. There were only three people on the stage – Hubbard, his son on guitar and another guy on the drums. The acoustics were perfect – not too loud – and it made one feel like I was sitting around in a circle “jamming” with the band. I thought, “Now this is MY kind of concert!” And Hubbard was funny and talented and made the audience feel like his old buddy.
There was a song he sang with a phrase that really hit home. The phrase was “And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations…Well, I have really good days”. The song was Mother Blues. In hearing that I thought, “This guy Knows.”
Other Things
I continue to have odd Knowings that I shrug off for the most part. I am too busy to give them much notice. One day, however, I woke up and had a really strong Knowing that led me to shed a few tears. This was the day after I got the dream message that a “Northern” was coming in. A family upset had occurred that same night that was very much like a “storm” and the next morning I woke up in a funk over it. Later, I stumbled upon this post which helped explain what I was feeling.
The same day, while browsing the web for job openings, I discovered the perfect position and so applied straight away. I have pretty much decided that the only way for me to move forward now is to get back to work regardless of what it might mean for me and my future. I have it clear in my mind the requirements of my next position. I find when I am specific of what I want that it does come to me in time. The amount of time can vary but it always comes exactly when it is needed/meant to.
This all goes along with the message I received not long ago: Reach. Hiding from life, fearful of what might come next, is no way to live. The fear is understandable for me. I have been through so much and the recovery is ongoing. But no one can heal when they hide from life. Hiding is not healing, it is hurting. One must REACH for what they want even if it is scary, even if it might lead to more hurt or disappointment. The only time one truly lives is when there is risk involved. Anything else is not really living.
Every man dies, not every man truly lives. ~ William Wallace, Braveheart
I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend celebrating their mothers in their own way. We ended up at my mom’s house for the afternoon and then at my mother-in-law’s in the evening. It was nice to hang out with family and be in nature. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze and the energy was calm and friendly.
Though it was a good day overall, I woke in tears Mother’s Day morning and by the evening the melancholy returned. This morning there was more upset. More purging. More whatever it is. Rather than focus on it by talking about it here I choose to focus on the message that came to me when I asked for help. Perhaps it will help those of you who are in this purging mode alongside me. Remember, it all has a purpose. It will pass. It is well.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
(Skipped in the version above)
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I awoke in a good mood. Again. Hehe Sadly, my daughter had to stay home from school today. She has a fever of 100 degrees, a headache and sore throat. 😦 I’m sure she will be fine but she can’t be at school with a fever.
As my day gets started I am feeling excitement welling up from within again. It has no object of focus. It is just Beingness and something I can’t believe I haven’t embraced every second of every day of my life.
With this excitement comes some quirkiness. My mind is not focused on any one thing, really. It is fairly open and flowing, touching only on what is necessary in the moment. With humor, my guidance deposits little messages and I laugh in return because they can be so funny in their choice of a medium.
For example, already this morning I have gotten messages in the form of music. One that was surprising and resulted in bubbly laughter on my part was the message, “Oooh baby, baby, baby, baby…” If you grew up in the 80’s you might recognize the song. I did. Straight away.
I am still laughing over here. Salt n’ Pepa, Push It….really? LOL I remember listening to this song when I was in 5th grade. I had no idea what it meant at the time. If my mom had known she would have not allowed me to listen to it. I must have listened to it quite a bit because I instantly knew it when I heard it in my mind and began dancing to it. Check out the lyrics if you are unfamiliar or just need a reminder. Just a warning – can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would? HA!
I’m dancing quite a bit for no reason, too. Also motioning with my hands and speaking in Light Language. I cleared space using Light Language and crystals yesterday. Fun times!
I have a Skype session scheduled for Saturday. I have yet to use Skype for anything except messaging so I am a bit unsure how it works. I need practice. Anyone want to practice with me? If I can find my tarot cards (kids got into them) I can give a reading or maybe just be silly and dance, too. Feeling pretty silly over here anyway. I have to get my new laptop set up for Skype, too. Hoping it’s a simple process.
I’m really not sure how to channel all this happy energy. What do you do when you feel energetically high like this? I’ve never had it last this long so usually I don’t do much of anything except enjoy it. But this time I feel like I need to channel it into something. Art doesn’t feel right. Dancing? Well that’s getting a bit warmer. Singing? Warmer. Hmmmm. I promise, I’m not manic depressive, at least I don’t think so……
Here’s another song I was listening to this morning. Gave me a good laugh. Noticing a pattern here. Hmmm Rap? Me? LOL Thinking I’m gonna dance…..F*ckin’ Awesome! Warning explicit language….hehe
Growing up in the 80’s, I loved Wham!, but especially George Michael. I had posters of him on my bedroom wall (yeah) and he was really my only popstar crush, besides Richard Marx that is. lol When the news came out that he was homosexual (actually bisexual) I was really bummed.
I never really got into music like other kids my age or like my sister, who was crazy into music and still is. I credit my sister for introducing me to any and all music I listened to up until I entered high school. Music like Madonna, Heart, T’Pau, Chicago, Michael Jackson, The Bangles, Duran Duran, Foreigner, REO Speedwagon, Tears for Fears, Pet Shop Boys, Genesis, U2, etc. You get the idea. My sister had the records (later cassettes) and I just listened because she played music all.the.time and use to do pretend music videos with my cousin. LOL Later, I developed my own preferences in music, shifting to the alternative rock and grunge genre but there will always be a special place in my heart for the music of the 80’s.
Last week, in the days leading up to Christmas, I kept hearing George Michael songs playing. At one point I took notice because it was so rampant, like every radio station was playing his music. The song I remember playing the most was Faith, but there was also an old Wham! song playing, I think it was Careless Whisper.
I forgot all about the repeating songs until I found out about his death. Then all the memories kinda clicked and I thought, “Maybe I was getting a heads up? Hmmm.”
This morning I woke up with one of his songs in my head for some reason: Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, with Elton John. It seemed like another reminder. I wondered about it. Perhaps I needed to reflect on that time period in my life again? Considering I have been dreaming about giving away a younger version of myself (inner child perhaps) maybe this is a sign that I am letting go of the past, or a part of myself that is not longer useful. Deep, inner healing and clearing necessary for moving forward?
Mostly I liked George Michael’s music in the mid-80’s when he was still a part of Wham! When I hear those old songs I tend to be transported back to that time in my life. It’s instant and so are the feelings that accompany it. There is an opening of awareness of Self, like the very first lighting of an inner fire, that took place when I was about 10 years old and continued through high school. Every song from that time period seems imprinted in my memory with events, like a photo album in my mind, but the music and voice of George Michael will always have a special place in my heart/life/memory.
Here are just some of my most favorite George Michael songs. Enjoy!
I was going to add this to my OBE post today but decided it should stand alone.
In my last OBE there was a song playing in the background which followed me to wakefulness. The song, Heaven by Bryan Adams. The specific lyrics were: “Baby you’re all that I want, when you’re lying here in my arms, Findin’ it hard to believe we’re in heaven.” Considering the OBE had nothing to do with romance of that sort, no true love or even feelings associated with it, the song made no sense to me and I promptly dumped it from my memory banks.
Later, as I shopped with my daughter, I remembered that a song had been in my head but I couldn’t remember anything about the song except that it had the word “heaven” in it. I knew, that I had to look it up when I got home. I Google songs from the 80’s about heaven to find it. lol I had total amnesia on the melody and lyrics. Didn’t take me long to find it, though. 🙂
Once I found it on YouTube I listened to it to make sure it was the right song. It was. However, the YouTube link address caught my eye, specifically the last five letters/numbers.
Lots going on. Energetically. Spiritually. Emotionally.
I was so tired yesterday afternoon I took a nap when my youngest took a nap. I rarely ever take naps. I don’t know where I went while I slept. It was like I sunk into the abyss. When I woke it felt like I had been drifting at sea, swaying to the point that I could physically feel myself rocking back and forth. When I checked online I saw that while I slept there had been an earthquake off the coast of Japan. This struck me as significant. There must be a massive coronal hole stream, I thought.
Despite getting a good nap in, I still slept deeply last night and, as has been normal for me of late, I had tons of vivid dreams. Rather than go into each one, I will just summarize their messages as I am tiring of the dream drama, though yesterday’s accounts were quite humorous.
Finalization
When I awoke sometime in the middle of the night and again this morning I knew a decision was being finalized. The last remnants of indecision are being cleared away. There is inspection of the past, of decisions made or not made, of directions taken. Relationship dynamics are being analyzed.
I spent quite a bit of time in a clear blue swimming pool with my family. I also was inspecting a house that could have been built but never was while also reflecting on the house that was built, its floors uneven and unstable. I spoke to a couple – a potential future version of myself and marriage – comparing their house to ours. Theirs had a family room, ours did not.
Balance
I am heading toward balance. Balance between masculine and feminine. Wholeness. This came through as preparation for a wedding ceremony. My clothing was the focus, specifically my shoes. I had on tan work boots at first and was laughing at how big they were on my feet. I knew they were the shoes of my other half, though, which is why I was laughing. He works hard and provides me with protection. I chose to take them off and selected a pair of black, dress boots – feminine but also masculine. I had on a white, lace skirt with a black blouse. Yin-Yang.
It’s Time
My guidance was quite insistent, coming through my dreams so intensely that it transferred into the physical, waking me up alarmed. This time it was not a pleasant experience. One of my guides wanted me to pay attention and so did what he does best and used pain to snap me out of sleep (sleep here being both the real deal and unawareness).
The dream here occurred in a parking lot at night. I headed to my parked car through a dimly lit section of the lot, keys in hand. As I walked a Hispanic man wearing ghetto clothing came up to me saying, “What are you doing out here alone? You need some help?” But his voice and mannerisms suggested he was not there to help. He came close and I pushed him away, turning and calling to my friends for help. My call sent the man away with a smirk on his face. I picked up my pace.
When I got to my car, the key would not work properly. It kept slipping and the entire outside of the end of it fell off. A fair haired man approached. I knew him as a friend. He came up behind me, though, and grabbed me firmly saying very loudly, “It’s time.” The message here was that it was time to pay attention to his wants/desires; for us to be together. I rejected this and pushed back but he was too strong and grabbed me around my waist, forcing me up against the car. He then stuck his finger between my ribs, pushing in so hard that I cringed in pain.
I woke up and could still feel his finger jabbed between my ribs. It did not let up for some time. I could hear him repeating, “It’s time.”
Anger Toward Men
Both yesterday after my nap and once I awoke this morning I experienced a surge of anger toward the men in my life. It came all at once and the feeling is to push them away and stand alone. Thoughts that go with these feelings are, “I don’t need anyone” and “Men suck.” lol I feel extremely aggressive; ready for battle. There is also a feeling of anger toward myself for allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled by men in general along with a rejection of any attractions I have felt/feel toward the opposite sex.
Almost Done
The water element repeated last night. Water = Emotion. For a fire sign like me, water/emotion can be confusing when in copious amounts as it has been. I like to be in control of my emotions. Lately I’m not. I was shown water and then I saw very clearly, “20%” written as if on a blank screen. The message was received as, “20% left.” So, almost done. I can’t wait.
Change Can be Amazing
Sometime in the morning I had phrases from songs come into to my mind. The main one was,”In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.” It comes from the song below. Note: When I hear these phrases it does not necessarily mean the entire song is the message. Usually it is just the single phrase I am given that is the message. The entire message of this song is a good one, though.
It has become clear to me over the past few days that I am the only thing that stands between myself and everything I have ever wanted. I have been the one who has caused all the pain and misery, discomfort and disharmony in my life. It is not what others have done to me, it is what I have done to me. It is the pain I have directed outward and inward. Everything I do to others I also do to myself. Each critical remark, each bitter comment and judgment slashes away at my inner beauty, marring it with ugliness and spite.
I have wandered blindly through life after life on this planet, unable to hear my own voice through the muddle of thoughts and the unsettling emotions that rise with them. I have used my mind to view life. I have used words to define my reality. I have ignored my heart and in that I have ignored myself.
Music
I sit here listening to the most beautiful angelic voices singing in a language I do not understand and I feel calmed. It is not an internal music, but merely the local classical music station. I have added music back into my life. I realized just how much I missed it.
Music, like many of the pleasures I have denied myself this lifetime, is probably the most uplifting of those things in life that we have access to. Music brings our vibration up. It allows us to remember ourselves and that is very precious. We should all listen to music as often as we can and sing it even more often. Singing itself raises our vibration and allows us to flow out of our hearts. Try it. Sing and let yourself get carried away. You will feel an energy in your heart and you will fill with joy. That is what music is: joy. That is also what we are.
With music we Remember.
I am Listening – Breaking the Cycle
I have made a conscious decision to listen, to view life from my heart rather than from my mind. It will take some time, some learning, to do this, but I know I can do it.
The more I tune into my heart, the more I realize I need to make some changes in my life. Just this morning I awoke from the deepest slumber I have had since this past Spring. Upon waking I heard, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I am very familiar with this quote by Albert Einstein. And I knew that I needed to listen to the changes my Higher Self was encouraging me to make. I had been ignoring the messages, hoping I would not have to change but the very act of ignoring them distances me from myself and made me that much more deaf.
Some changes are easy, some are not. I listed them a while back but it is just now that I am doing them.
The main change I am being asked to make is to stop my workout routine. I have been asked to decrease my cardio activity to only walking and doing yoga. I am to stop lifting weights and doing the interval training and circuits I do three times a week. When I ask why, it is explained to me that I have been focusing too much on my physical body, its shape and appearance. What I need to do is focus upon balancing my energy, calming my mind and increasing my connection to my Higher Self. Walking and yoga will help me achieve this as will any exercise that brings me closer to nature.
Another change I am being asked to make is to open up to my spiritual gifts once again. It is not that I am being asked to jump head first back into readings, but rather to allow myself to be drawn to those in need and to ask of them, “What can I do to help you?” All I can do is follow the feeling and then present myself to them with open arms. It is up to them if they will accept my offer of help. I have already been drawn in this way to another. It was quite a surprise to me and I did not hesitate to offer my help. I am told this will continue to occur. If I listen then I will find much satisfaction in doing the service I am here to do. It is that simple.
Music, art and other creative outlets are also an area I am asked to bring back into my life. There has been imbalance in my life because I have not allowed myself to create. We by nature create, manifest, all the time. To limit this in ourselves is to snuff out our flame, to make life dark and suppressive. Each day I have been asked to sing, listen to music, or both. I have also been asked to find other outlets that will help me express what I feel, who I am. I have chosen painting because I have always wanted to be able to paint what I see behind my eyelids when I sleep, travel OOB or when I meet my Higher Self. My husband is a great artist and musician. I have asked him to help me paint what I have seen. I believe together we can create amazing art that expresses so much more than words ever could.
Here is one of my husbands’ works of art. He painted this from a photo of me and my daughter. He is very good at painting and drawing the human form.
Cuddle Time, oil on canvas, 2008.
I have been asked also to meditate and do yoga daily. This includes self-healing, using essential oils to help with grounding and balancing my chakras, and learning to live through my heart. Each day I am asked to do something different when it comes to meditation and yoga. For example, I am led to read certain books which send me in the direction I need to go at that particular time. Most recently I have been led to read a book on chakras which taught me a tapping technique to help with physical discomfort and imbalance in my body. For the past two nights I have integrated the tapping with my meditation and self-healing and have noticed results, especially with the tension and discomfort in my physical body. Each day I am also led to do a different yoga video. Just last night I did a Kundalini/Hatha blend yoga for 42 minutes. So far, Kundalini and Hatha yoga are the two types I am most drawn to.
Finally, I am being asked to be more aware of what I eat and put into my body. Specifically, (and I am embarrassed to say) I am being asked to stop smoking in the evening. I have done this for as long as I can remember since awakening to my spiritual gifts. At first it was to help with the anxiety I experienced and then it just became something I did for myself since it seemed like so much of my day was spent doing things for others. I stopped many times, every time I was pregnant and for many years at a time. I was able to easily quit whenever I wanted. I know I can stop anytime as this is not a physical addition, it is a mental one. I am having the most difficulty stopping this particular bad habit. I do not smoke much – one to two cigarettes a night. Yet I am told this is too much and that it will interfere with my transformation. As long as I continue to do it, the progress will slow and eventually stop. So I will be quitting. I am told it will be today. lol I guess it is then.
Yesterday was a long day. We spent most of the day at my Mom’s for Thanksgiving and then went directly to the church to have another Thanksgiving there. We did not get home until late and then I could not fall asleep. I must have had too much caffeine. I drank mostly iced tea the entire day.
I felt my guide close and also sensed quite a few more in Spirit, about 9 total. I felt I needed to meditate and so I did, trying to quiet my mind. However, as soon as I would get to a quieted mind my guide would become more noticeable. Finally, I just listened to him rather than try to quiet my mind.
In my mind I saw a hand extended to me and felt I should take it. I reached out with my own mental hand and took it. When I did, I felt a surge in my heart chakra that lingered and expanded. It did not fill me up with the usual intensely, wonderful feeling, though. Instead, it felt blocked and dulled. I then began to feel an energy in my feet and legs. It was heavy and tingly. When I felt it, I instinctively began to urge it upward, slowly. I felt the energy slowly move up into my solar plexus and then into my heart but I could not get it to extend any higher up. I was able to get some energy to move up, but only small amounts. I knew this meant I had too many blockages.
I spent some time doing self-healing. I don’t know how long I spent, but eventually I must have begun to doze off because I suddenly had a vision of my baby struggling to breathe. It woke me suddenly and I flew out of bed. I checked on my baby and he was fine but I was wide awake and on mommy alert. Why did I get such a vision? Was this a warning that the “test” I have been dreaming of will be that I lose my baby to SIDS?
I could not go to sleep after that. I was a ball of worry and suddenly became super aware of how my body was feeling. I could not breathe out of one nostril and the other one was so dry it hurt to breathe. I also had a headache. I noted the time and it was midnight.
Continued Energy Work During Dreamtime
I slept fitfully and had odd dreams, most of which I cannot remember fully. I do recall dreaming of a friend from high school who I use to work with as waitress. She was being asked to go with two women. They appeared to be making sexual advances upon her at first but when I studied them closer, I realized they just wanted to have her company as a friend. I urged her to go with the woman even though she was very afraid for some reason. She left with them, looking back at me and I was filled with huge amounts of sympathy and could feel my heart chakra radiating energy out toward her.
In another dream I do not fully recall, I was driving a car down a road with high, white sides. It reminded me a tunnel without a top. I watched as a man in uniform slowly removed orange and white cones from a section of the road ahead of me. The section had two off-shoots, one to the right and another to the left. The left side had been opened up but the man was still removing the cones from the right.
As I approached I put on my brakes when I saw that the right tunnel had not been cleared of cones. I stopped completely and another person in a white sedan who I knew had been following me barreled through the right side, tossing the cones and then flying high up into the air. Her car collided with the concrete of a nearby building. When I looked up, I noticed the car had changed to a motorcycle. It was completely totaled but my friend was unharmed. When I approached her and asked if she was ok, she said she was and then said she had to get out of there before they found her out. Then her motorcycle was miraculously repaired and I jumped on and drove it down stairs. The stairs turned to slides and I followed them down for what seemed like forever.
I awoke at that point and could still feel the energy lingering in my heart chakra.
Madonna – Lucid Dream to OBE
I fell back to sleep for some time and then awoke at 6am. My kids were up and noisy and I could not fall back to sleep. I put a pillow over my head and tried to sleep. I stated mentally, “I want to go OOB”.
The next thing I remember was sitting in a chair next to my bed. I heard music and a woman was next to me and then seemed to be all around me. It was dark and I could only see shadows of varying shades of gray. I sensed the woman more than I saw her and recognized that she was tapping headphones that were on my head. The music sounded like dance music and the beat was unfamiliar. The woman asked me, “Do you know this song?” I recognized her then as Madonna and I told her, “No. Sorry”.
I heard the music continue to play and recognized some of the words but most are lost to me now. The song was not one I had ever heard but I do recall hearing the word “star”. The Madonna woman then asked me, “Do you like my music?” I said, “I don’t usually listen to your kind of music but I am starting to”.
Then I was out of the chair and the “Madonna” woman was in the chair. I was trying to see her more clearly but could not make out her face. She reached out to me and pulled me toward her and I sensed a sexual inquiry from her. I let her pull me close and hug me. I recall seeing her neck and noticing she was wearing earrings and a necklace. I looked at the necklace while she attempted to encourage me to kiss her. I did kiss her but something felt very wrong about it. It was then I knew I was dreaming and that I did not want this to for myself. I pulled away from her.
Now completely “awake” within my dream, I felt the woman’s presence change. It was still dark but I turned around to look and see who had replaced her as the energy felt masculine. I saw a man in her place and his energy suggested he wanted me to have sex with him. He came towards me and I let him get close enough to touch me. I looked at his face and saw his features were angular and he had blondish hair that was cut short. He reminded me of someone but I did not know who. He did not say anything to me but I could feel his intentions. They felt odd to me, like he was hiding something of his intentions and I knew quickly that he was a sexual deviant of some kind and that he was not someone I wanted to be around.
At that time I also recognized I was standing right next to my slumbering physical body. I was so close that I could feel the pull of it and I kept thinking I needed to get away from it. The man continued to will me toward him but I did not like the way he felt and wanted nothing to do with him. I decided at that point to get away from my slumbering body and the man so I went to the bedroom door. I tried to open it but found that the doorknob was on the wrong side of the door. It took me a while to realize this but when I did, I opened the door, went out and down the stairs. I could feel the man behind me and a part of me looked behind me while another saw straight in front of me (I think this is the 360 degree vision people speak of having in astral). I moved so swiftly that I do not recall seeing the stairs at all. I just recall being downstairs and seeing my two oldest children watching television.
I went out the front door and down several steps. These steps are not there in real life so I am not sure what house I was in, but it was not mine. I stopped in my tracks when I was confronted with a completely different place than I expected. The residential street I assumed I would be on was replaced with a very urban street lined with brightly lit up buildings that stretched for miles in both directions. The place was familiar and I knew far to the right was a tall, silver building that towered above all the others. The sky was clear and I could see thousands of stars spread out in front of me. It was as if the sky went on forever! The air was crisp and my vision was crystal clear despite it being dark. I was overcome with awe as I took it all in.
I instantly wanted to stay there as long as I could and so looked down at my hands to try and increase my awareness. I looked down not knowing what to expect after finding gloved hands in my last OBE. I only saw my hands, just as they appear in real life. There wasn’t even any glow to them. I found this peculiar but did not let it bother me.
My vision remained crisp and I took note of how real and solid everything felt. Had I not known I was OOB I would have thought I was awake! I looked from my hands to a large building across the street. It looked like a very pricy, old hotel from another era. It was lit up with yellowish lighting and was a spectacular sight. I wanted instantly to explore it.
As soon as I set the intention to fly over to explore the building I felt my conscious energy coalesce into a mental ball. I did not feel my astral form at all. It was as if all of my consciousness was a mass of energy. The mental me was pulled upward as if through a siphon and there was a force that built up as my consciousness rose up. I had no control of this it seemed and went quickly upward and then into my sleeping body. I did not even feel the familiar settling of energy like normal. I was just instantly back in my body and fully aware.
Considerations
Upon waking I had a headache and was very thirsty. I also felt like I had been sleeping in a bad position as my lower body was stiff. I began to think of the short OBE I had an how weird it was. I thought about not writing it down because it seemed so boring but I thought perhaps I should focus on how lucid I felt and the senses I was able to utilize.
My perceptions are mostly limited when I am OBE. I usually have vision, sometimes clear sometimes not so clear. I also often can feel others and objects without a problems. Taste is also not usually an issue but is not often used unless I am eating something. Hearing is almost nonexistent. I hear most everything in my mind. External noise is a consciousness trigger for me and usually pulls me back into my physical body quite quickly. I have heard some amazing things OOB but it has been a long while. The music I heard in this experience was muted but I did hear it. I do not recall using my sense of smell often, but I have smelled things. For example, in one OBE I smelled the rain and felt it as it hit my body. I also heard it as it came down, a quiet trickling sound. This was one of my OBEs where every one of my senses was utilized. I would have given it a 10 on lucidity.
I recognize that this OBE was one of the few where I was quite lucid and was increasing in awareness very quickly. I believe this happened too quickly which is why I came back into my body the way I did. I was super aware of my energy and how it moved and then it was as if no transition at all occurred when I reentered my body. I was simply “awake”.
The recognition of myself as energy rather than a body was also interesting to me. I have only felt the “siphoning” feeling once and it scared me. In that experience I was sleeping when suddenly I was awakening by feeling my consciousness being siphoned upward and out of my body. I felt like liquid energy dripping upward and out of my body. I recall thinking I was dying and freaking out. I have never felt that again until this morning’s experience but this one was in the opposite direction, back into my body.
Factors Influencing Projection
Lucidity scale: 5 increasing to 8
Intent stated?: Yes
Time to bed: Midnight
Time to wake: 4:00am; 6:00am, 8:00am
Meditation?: Yes
Physical Exercise?: None
Mood: normal
Body: headache
Tiredness: Low
Number of wakings: 3
Technique?: No
Sleeping position: Left side
Supplements: Multivitamin, Mineral supplement, Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg
I just wanna make you laugh I just wanna see that smile Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
I woke this morning with the chorus from this song in my head and a feeling similar to how I was feeling not long ago – I didn’t want to get out of bed. A specific line of the chorus, “we’re only here, oh, for a little while”, kept repeating in my head. I love the song and it has been used to relay a message to me before, but this morning I just didn’t want to hear it.
Where Did the Memories Go?
As the song played in my head, memories of my youth began to trickle in. Specifically, a memory from when I was 12 years old. My father came back into my life after years of disconnection. He just popped back in, out of blue, and acted as if nothing had changed. Of course, me being 12 and all, everything had changed.
He brought with him a girlfriend. A very garish woman with big hair and penciled in eyebrows that made her look like a clown. Her makeup was dark and befitting of a twenty-something year old. Yet her clothing was more in line with her age – around 50 or 60. I don’t remember the woman’s name now, but I know I instantly did not like her. This is also not surprising considering the circumstances.
We went to a fancy restaurant – Red Lobster (back then it was considered high end – really!). We were there to celebrate my younger sister’s birthday. She would be turning 10. After eating, the garish woman and my father presented my sister with her gift and I was extremely jealous when she opened it. She got Clinique make-up! I remember looking at the little, sea green compact and feeling my heart sink. I thought to myself, “She is too young for that!” and wanting it desperately for myself. But I kept my mouth closed and smiled, pretending to be happy for her.
The memory stopped there but the feeling of it did not. I was so full of hate back then. It was me against the world. It was vile. I am not sure how I made it through my teens because that feeling pretty much stayed with me until I was in my mid-twenties. It grew and changed as I suppressed it and tried hard to not become the effect of it. Sometimes I managed to keep it at bay but most of the time it hung over me like a dark rain cloud.
Much of my feelings stemmed from anger but I also believe I brought some of them into this life with me. Especially the feeling that I should be loved more than my siblings. I secretly always wanted to be an only child. I have since remembered my last life. It was brief but I do know one thing – I was the only child. Hmmm. Ha! I was also not treated well and my life ended in a horrible way – murdered by a father figure; drowned in a shallow fountain in an unfamiliar place. Torn from my family, life taken from me abruptly and betrayed by someone I thought loved me, I found myself trapped between the Other Side and Earth – bound to a life that was no longer mine.
All these memories were instantly with me as I awoke this morning. Why? Perhaps it was because yesterday, looking into my daughter’s face as we spent time reading together before bed, I thought about how I use to cherish similar memories of my own childhood, yet, I could not remember them. Where did they go? And I thought to myself that this must be why I am so bitter about having to live life. I have lost memories I once cherished.
One Life, Many Me’s
I read yesterday in one of the many blogs I now follow on WordPress that as we change, we leave a part of ourselves behind. We shift into a new Self. This is part of living. It is part of change. And change is the one constant – it is expected, though many of us fear it and reject it.
I have had many me’s in this life. The first, my childhood – when joy and laughter were still very much a part of my life. This me only lasted for about six years. Too short, if you ask me.The second me began with my parent’s divorce and stayed until my mid-twenties. This was probably the most challenging part of my life. I went through middle and high school, met my first husband, went to college and then left my first husband. I lived in parts of the U.S. I never thought I would and traveled across the world to Australia and the U.K. Yet I was not complete. I felt lacking. All the time.
The third me emerged with my spiritual awakening at around the age of 26. I recall recognizing the other me’s during this time. They felt foreign to me. When I looked at those me’s a didn’t recognize them as a part of me. I was so different. There is no way they could be me. Even now, when I recall memories of those times, they seem surreal and dreamlike, as if they were just one of my many astral travels.
And now I feel like I am entering into another stage, one that will create yet another me. Hopefully the final me. I have yet to see where one me ended and another began, but this could be because I am in the midst of it. I worry that in order to transform into the new me there needs to be a drastic ending somewhere. For example, the beginning of the current me came after several drastic ends – the biggest being divorce. The ending of the childhood me came with divorce as well. And it could be that there will be divorce this time as well, but not necessarily the divorce of man and woman but a divorce of old habits, behaviors and beliefs.
Peace
The final feeling that came with hearing the song by O.A.R. this morning was an irritation at not getting to astral along with a rejection of astral travel – almost as if it serves only to slow me down right now rather than help me progress at the rate I should be. Typical of that internal conflict that has proved so difficult to overcome in this life – the ego versus the Self. Always, when I thought about the purpose astral travel serves in my life, I heard the line “we’re only here for a little while”, as if to say “Focus on living your life now, not on other planes of existence as it is this existence which is most important at this time”. And the message is clear – we are only here for a little while, just a blink compared to the eternity of that which we are. And the peace we find in ourselves can be found anywhere, even here on Earth, if we accept our chosen path, do not allow the ego to confuse us and misguide us, and travel it wholeheartedly. Easier said than done.
Living Life in Between 