Yesterday I had anxiety most, if not all, of the day. It was so bad I felt physically ill from it – stomach upset, headache, light headed. I struggled especially in the morning and when I asked for help I spontaneously began speaking in Light Language. After that I felt strangely at ease despite continuing to feel the physical and mental side effects of severe anxiety.
When I was speaking in Light Language it felt like I was invoking protection from something. I am not sure what exactly but that is how it felt. I was moving my hands in such a way that it reminded me of weaving a web of protective energy. I also felt like I was blessing my body, communicating to it that this transition will not kill it but make it stronger.
Messages in Dreams
By bedtime I was feeling much more normal and occupied my mind with season 2 of Sense8 (love that show). When I fell asleep I was asking for help. I wanted the anxiety to stop. I recognized it was a symptom of not allowing my heart to guide me. Anxiety is a side-effect of avoidance. Avoiding pain. Avoiding truth. Avoiding feelings. What we avoid will come out whether we like it or not.
I had a vivid dream of being in a community located in the countryside. Rolling hills and dirt roads predominated the scene. There was a gate that lead into the small community and I walked through it. I saw a building being built near the entrance. I thought it was a church because it had a curved entrance but was informed that it was a brand new post office (important message from my subconscious). I thought it odd that a post office would be built inside our community.
Then I was inside a building with others. My role was a teacher and I walked up to two men who were also teachers. Teachers of history like me. One man was older and the other my age. I invited them to come socialize with me. They both indicated they preferred to be alone. I said, “You won’t be satisfied if you don’t communicate with others.”
Then I was standing beside the younger teacher. Both of us were painting. I recall that what he painted, so did I. Identical paintings. The part I was focusing on was the bottom of the painting. I was painting the word “Love” in red, glittery paint. Only the word was cut in half by the bottom of the canvas. I remember talking to him about why it was cut off like that. The top of the painting is hard to recall but I think it was of a white building similar to the White House of the U.S. It was literally sitting on top of the Love, crushing it. I want to also say the house was burning or in the process of being destroyed. The feeling from our conversation was that the love was the only focus, everything else didn’t matter.
I left for a moment, leaving my wet paint out because I was to return. When I did return a group of house maids had cleaned up all my paint and supplies. I was especially upset because they had washed all my red paint down the drain. It had been on top of a miniature white house like in the painting. My friend told me not to be concerned and I calmed and forgot about it.
Then we were all heading to the new post office to meet. I remember a short walk along a curving road. When I arrived I kept going saying I had a doctor’s appointment. I didn’t want to stop because when I got there I saw two large groups of people dressed completely in white heading toward me. One in front of me and one behind me. If I had stopped I would have been completely overrun by them and there seemed to be thousands on both sides. What is really odd is that one side had a giant diamond (wholeness) floating in the air above them and the other side had a giant square (limitation).
Thine Will be Mine
When I woke I saw the two symbols distinctly. The diamond was on the left and the square was on the right. In the middle was me. The message was that the square and the diamond needed to align and I was standing in the way of this.
Then I heard, “Let thine will be mine”. It was so Biblical in the way it sounded that it actually freaked me out for a second and then I relaxed. I understood that I was being asked to surrender to Divine will. I became angry at this time saying, “But you won’t let me have what I want.” I was told, “You will get what you need.” This made me mad. I understood though that fighting would get me nowhere. I was told, “When you go off track We kindly and lovingly put you back.” I sneered at this thinking, “Your idea of ‘kindly and lovingly’ is not the same as mine!”
Eventually I relented and fell into my heart space momentarily. I felt all it offered was false hope, though, and it made staying there very difficult. It became obvious to me that the reason I don’t want to follow my heart is because it meant giving up control and ultimately the possibility that it would destroy my life is too much for me to accept. I have heard, “You will get what you need” so many times in the past and it always leads to unwanted change. Ultimately, I sense what will happen and it scares me.
When you are drowning the best thing to do is relax and let your body float. Struggle only pushes you deeper. I get it but for some reason I just can’t stop struggling.