Struggling Today

Woke this an unsettling realization, but one I’ve had in the past and so am not too surprised is coming back to say taunt me. It is basically that the spiritual path, though one I am and will likely be drawn to my entire life, will not be the career I want it to be. Instead, it will likely be a hobby, side-project – whatever you want to call it – overshadowed by my sense of responsibility to my family and the roles I play within in. This issue was actually brought up to me in an astrological reading last year as one of the obstacles I have created in this life.

Sun and moon both conjunct outer planets. This creates a feeling of being overshadowed by a greater archetype which can eclipse my individual right to pursue my own goals. Particularly with Saturn I can feel that my responsibilities outweigh my right to achieve my own personal well-being, creative self and happiness. With the moon conjunct Neptune, there are always those at a greater need than myself. It would cause me to feel that I need to be there in a compassionate way to serve selflessly rather than realizing my own emotional independence and well-being. It is easy for archetypes that are carried like that to overshadow the self. Challenge for me to disengage myself from my greater mission to serve in order to address my own personal, individual, creative development. The more I have the courage to put my own well-being at the same level as the well-being of others, the more balance will be achieved and then I won’t be defined by the greater mission. I will be defined as a human being who is a living example of those archetypes

The way this realization hit me was strange. I woke from a string of dreams that seemed to have nothing at all to do with the realization.

Dreams

At first I seemed to be visiting the past. I was wearing a cossetted dress and talking to another girl about what a girl could and could not do. I was breaking with what was accepted. I recall hearing a chorus singing, “It is Well With My Soul” and then I was in charge of inoculating (development on mental and spiritual level) the women with a Tetanus booster but the needle to the syringe was retracting and so I was unable to administer any shots. All along there was a string attached to the syringe. The string was covered in very large, black ants (hard work). Somewhere in the dream I also went to visit my father (he died in 1995) but he wasn’t there. Instead there was a 3yr old boy who I spoke to. I asked him if he could write his name (Remembering Self) and he told me, “No, I can’t yet but I’m trying.” In the house where the boy lived there was an attic space (connection to Higher Self) that had been renovated to store my dad’s things. Inside there were mounted animals, specifically I recall a full-body mount of a moose (elders, individual power).

The feeling upon waking was disappointment. My thoughts were centered around all the spiritual projects I have planned or am working on. My oracle deck was one. Last night I had looked online to get ideas and the sheer number of self-published decks amazed me. It became apparent to me that it was very unlikely I would ever make any significant profit form my deck. I was sad to think of all my hard work amounting to nothing. My guidance asked, “But did you enjoy creating it?” I replied that I did. They asked me if I had expected to make money or get recognition. I said I had not. My intention was to enjoy myself and express my creativity. In this I realized the deck had already served its purpose. Yet for some reason I was still very disappointed.

Then my thoughts went to my YouTube videos. Last night I received my very first thumbs down. Normally it would not bother me in the least but for some reason last night it did. I began to try and figure out what I had done wrong but at the same time I was also not at all rattled. Again my thoughts turned to whether I enjoyed making the video and that being all that mattered.

After reviewing all of the above I started thinking about recent requests for mediumship and invitations from others to partner up with them on spiritual projects. I also began think about my “purpose” and how recently I thought I had finally found it because of the pure joy that rose from within me in considering it. Yet what my heart told me about my purpose was not coming into fruition. It has just stagnated and all paths leading to it have appeared to be closed to me. A big “Dead End” sign is all that is there. In fact, everywhere I look I see “DEAD END”.

I started looking for paths that didn’t dead end. The spiritual paths in front of me seem to lead nowhere. There isn’t a dead end but they meander this way and I can’t see where they lead or if it is what I want. The path I thought was my primary one, the one leading to my purpose in this lifetime, appears to be a dead end. It feels that way anyway. I can try and pave a path in that direction but it feels wrong. In fact, every time I think of that path it feels wrong. I get a big “NOT YET”. Why?

The only path that I can conceive of other than the ones above is the same career path I have been on my entire life. Yet there is no spark in my heart for that path. I feel dead even considering traveling it again. Yet when I look down it I can see it leads somewhere and that somewhere is not back to where I am now. The feeling from it is that it is not a dead end. Maybe not, but is it where I want to go? No. But if I don’t travel that path, then I am left just standing here where I currently am looking ahead, waiting for a path to materialize in front of me. That won’t happen, I am sure of it. So maybe I am just not seeing a path? Maybe it is hidden from me?

saturn

Or maybe this dilemma aligns with what I quoted above from my forecast last year? Perhaps I am hung up in an archetype and cannot find within myself the drive to follow my own path because I feel so obligated and responsible for everyone else in my life? It seems that is it and honestly I just don’t have that drive. My family overrides anything I want for myself. It just feels so wrong, like I am betraying them and that feeling is the worst. Every time I consider a scenario where I am happy and doing what makes me happy I feel it is somehow “wrong”. Yet that is what my heart is aching to do and when I close myself off to that I feel absolutely dead inside.

My guidance reminds me to follow my joy – that which brings me excitement and makes me feel alive. They want me to follow it blindly it seems, to trust that the path will lead me to what I seek. I see others doing it, and at times I’ve felt brave and determined to do it. But those times are fleeting and I end up back to where I am now. Waiting. Staring ahead and unable to make a decision that feels right.

I assume that Saturn has something to do with all this inner conflict. I am reminded of the ants in my dream. Ants = work and community/collective. And strangely one of the thoughts that comes to mind is that the new 5D world and relationships center around community. Working together toward a common purpose. Thus all the potential “partnership” opportunities coming up for me lately. There is a hint from my guidance that coming at my problem from the traditional, 3D perspective, will get me nowhere. Coming at it from a 5D perspective is what is advised. Yet what the hell does that even mean?

The response I am getting is a feeling more than an answer in words. I feel very strongly the “community” aspect. 5D asks us to work together. 3D says “I”, 5D says “We”. I am being asked to inspect my life, to align it with 5D, and this is not an easy task because my life was built to align with 3D.

I ask, “How do I do that? What do I do?” The only answer I receive is to follow my joy. Focus on what makes me feel happy and alive and nothing else. From there everything will fall into place. But I want to know “HOW?” I want to see the steps, know the process, but I’m not getting specifics. It is frustrating me. It is like I am being told, “Wear this blindfold and follow the voice of your heart. Don’t worry about where you step. Trust we are guiding you where you are meant to go and that we will not let you fall.” Ha!

It reminds me of an experiment I did with my psychology students way back in 2003. I had them partner up. One wore the blindfold and the other led them around the school by telling them where to go and what to watch out for. They all had a blast and learned a lot about trusting their partner. Or maybe even that game of trust where you fall backwards and trust your partner will catch you. Yeah, I never could do that. lol

Right now I don’t feel I can do this. I think I am just too screwed up, too programmed in 3D. The saying that comes to mind is, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I hear my guidance say, “Then you get a new dog.” Not even going to try and figure out what they mean by that (eyeroll).

 

Advertisements

Revelations from a Conversation

Today has been interesting and it’s not even over yet. Whew! There are some energies swirling and I can’t quite get a grip on how to describe them. One minute I am UP and the next I feel like I’ve been hit over the head….literally. I blame this massive sinus headache I’ve had pretty much non-stop since Thursday. It could be the weather doing it but I have not had a sinus headache like this from the weather since around 1999.

I had a long conversation with my husband today about some of the changes I’ve been going through recently. Note: In editing this I see how much content there is here but I am going to leave it as is. So if it seems a little disorganized, I apologize.

We talked about how staying in the present moment – the NOW – does miraculous things for a person. For one, being in the NOW shifts you into your heart automatically. The mind is there doing it’s thing as usual but the heart takes the driver’s seat and indicator lights flash and are not missed. I gave him an example I will share with you all.

Yesterday, there was a shortage of staff and I was asked to go up front to help answer the phones. I am NOT a phone person and definitely not comfortable putting people on hold and transferring calls. Been there, done that, don’t want the t-shirt. lol Resistance came first and then I sought out a hiding place and began to think of excuses I would give for my no-show. lol Mid-thought I was interrupted with a reminder that resistance is an indicator light telling me that I needed to take advantage of an opportunity to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone. To learn. To grow. Because this is when the REAL growth occurs. The instant it came to me I headed to the front and jumped right in without hesitation. I didn’t think about it for even a moment. And I never had to answer phones. lol I ended up helping in another way.

Similar events to this have been happening every.single.day. My mind chatter is mostly off and if it does come on it is interrupted by my guidance. It’s pretty awesome actually.

So back to the conversation…..we also talked about how when you are in the present moment expectation is pretty much extinguished and intuition is turned up to the highest setting. Pretty amazing stuff!

Then, I tried to explain what it means to Trust and my experiences with it thus far. I explained how following the heart works for me, specifically why I am back working and how I got there. He kept asking me what my “plan” was. I told him it is to follow my heart. I explained that I had to drop all my ideas and beliefs about what I thought I needed or what I thought would bring me happiness and leave it to the universe. We even talked examples, some he would understand. How he thinks this or that will make him happy, so he fixes his attention on getting that and then when he gets it finds it doesn’t make him happy. I explained that the mind tries to logically figure it all out but it sucks at knowing what is best for us. We gotta get out of the mind and let our hearts guide us. That if we let it, our heart will show us everything our minds failed to and MORE. And we talked about how hard it is to follow the heart, to Trust. How it takes massive amounts of courage. I told him I have no idea where my heart is taking me, but I am betting it is better than where I have been. In saying this, I realized I was OK with not knowing where I would end up. I AM okay and I trust that I will be exactly where I am meant to be. He definitely isn’t OK with everything we discussed, but then at least now he understands that I am.

We also discussed being emotionally objective. He had complained that I did not react how he wanted/expected me to, to certain things he told me. He felt I was being uncaring and unloving. I told him it was because I chose not to react. I chose to acknowledge the feeling but I didn’t focus on a specific feeling so as to not let it direct my actions. I explained that at first, when I was doing this, I thought something was wrong with me. Why did I not feel anything?? I was beating myself up for being emotionally “numb”. But as the weeks have gone by I have realized that is not it at all. I DO feel I just don’t react or let my emotions take over. And the more we discussed it, the more I realized the emotional objectivity was purposeful so that he could go through whatever it was he needed to go through and get to a point where I could communicate with him without the interference of his heightened emotions. Pretty cool!

We even discussed karma and the seemingly endless cycles we play out lifetime after lifetime. We discussed how being “asleep” perpetuated these cycles and that now, in this lifetime, we are being given the opportunity to stop cycles, rewrite them, abolish them, edit them, etc. The more conscious (awake) we are, the more cycles we can affect.

And we discussed the interaction of multiple individuals who each have multiple, interactive “contracts” and how, if we listen to our heart/intuition, we will know when these contracts have resolved for each individual involved and when we can make adjustments to our portion of the contract(s). This was so incredibly clear to me in that moment I was in awe, but I am not sure he saw it like I did. But that’s okay. I saw it. Clearly.

The entire discussion only lasted maybe an hour, but in that short time I recognized just how much I have changed in the last month. October was truly about change – metamorphosis.

Pretty crazy amazing! Makes me excited to see what surprises await me tomorrow……

Prepare for Take-Off

It is funny how sometimes it takes a question to illicit an answer. That is how it works with my guidance anyway. I believe this is true in all cases of spiritual guidance. Am I wrong? Tell me if you have had experiences that say otherwise.

Anyway, a friend of mine on FB has been reeling from the intense energies.She asked me, “Why is this happening?” This is what I wrote in response:

Acceleration on all levels. We are being propelled in whatever direction we have set sail for. So if you are one who is moving into the next level (5D or whatever you want to call it) then it will propel you that direction. If you are wanting to stay in 3D then you will get more of that. The energies are especially heavy and meant to clear out old crap we won’t let go of.

She is one of many who are being floored by the energies coming in now. There is wide-spread concern, even in the 3D world. For example, my husband called me yesterday on the way home from work. His mom got in a car accident. A woman rear-ended her and she bumped her head. My husband sounded strange on the phone. He was unsettled by it and apparently other things. He flat out asked me, “Is there something going on with that astrological stuff you always talk about? Because it has been a weird day. Lots of things have gone wrong and people are not acting right.” Ahhh! He IS listening to me! I told him about the recent geomagnetic storms and the upcoming solar eclipse and alignment with Jupiter. I gave him the short version. When he came home he was on the phone with a coworker. It was on speaker and the coworker was giving him more specifics from the NASA website. LOL My husband is too funny!

The energies are not negatively affecting everyone, by the way. Some are shifting into higher vibrational states, experiencing heart chakra bliss, and connecting to Source. Their crown chakras are blazing wide open and they are more receptive the messages (channeling). They are shifting into an altogether different world. I call this La-La Land but then the reality is that they have shifted into 4D or 5D. Honestly, I think most are in 4D – the heart-centered, intuition-led space that brings with it a feeling of connectivity to ALL on all levels. 4D should be named Blissville really, not La-La Land. I only call it La-La Land because of the mental space-out that accompanies it.

These energies are the ignition of the ascension engine. Up until now, everything has been preparation for departure. Some were preparing to shift into 4D while others were still deciding which direction they wanted to head in. Many, many have chosen to remain in 3D. Their engines will not be igniting nor will they be going anywhere. They are grounded for the time being. Others will be taking off very soon, heading in the direction they have charted for themselves. This will not look the same for everyone. Some will be heading for further clearing of 3D energies – their heart centers still quite blocked. As you know, to shift into 4D your heart must be clear; open. The heart is where it is all at in 4D and you can’t get to 4D with a blocked heart chakra. It just won’t happen. So some will be heading for some intense clearing at that level. Others will be shifting into further communication in 4D; tweaking their heart-centered walkie-talkies so to speak. Tuning in, learning the different frequencies and finding their own, individual frequencies, which, by the way, connect them with their soul families who have similar if not identical frequencies.

It is all very beautiful to think that one day we will be so connected. BUT ignition does not mean we will necessarily be ready to take off. Some of us will flounder and require more preparation. That is just how it goes. Just remember we will all eventually get to our destinations and when we do, we will not be alone.

I’ll let you know whether my engines are ignited just as soon as I get over this stupid cold. Of course, I have no idea what that is suppose to feel/be like anyway. I suspect it will be like all of my experiences thus far – I won’t know I have arrived until I get there.

The countdown begins……………….

Edit: Guess when this song was released?? 1989. LOL

 

Percolation and Transmutation All Over Again

Percolate. Transmute. Rinse. Repeat.

The energy peaks, then subsides. Peaks. Subsides. Peaks. Subsides.

You get the idea.

This is the process that raises one’s vibration. It is slow and intentional. It is the reason we feel so often like we are on a roller coaster. Yet, if you have noticed, the roller coaster feeling has lessened. The intense high’s and low’s are leveling out.

Our cycles are changing as well. Our physical body cycles such as our sleep cycle, dream cycle, circadian rhythm, and biorhythms are changing. This is also true of Mother Earth and can be seen in nature such as shifts in migration patterns, weather cycles, and ocean currents. 

We are also practicing, preparing, for a different shift, one into a higher vibration, a peak vibration, which has yet to arrive. There is talk that we have entered into 5D. In actuality, the shift into 5D is individual and not a “mass event”. What in fact has occurred is that we have reached a point in vibration where we now have access to 5D, when before the highest we could sustain was 4D. Just having access does not, however, mean that we live there nor does it mean we are even capable of sustaining this level of vibration for long periods of time.

I am told very, very few are able to access this vibration at this time and those who do, do so with significant assistance.

What is important here is that 5D is now accessible to the human biological organism via its operating components. In other words, a specific number of those occupying human bodies have recovered ability enough to access this vibration now.

Do not focus on whether you yourself have entered yet into this vibration for that is not the concern nor will it ever be. Focus instead on the progress you have made; the leaps and bounds in spiritual evolution you have made and the ones you will yet to make. This is to be celebrated. 

Many of you have reached a point in your transition where you are attending “class”, for lack of a better descriptive word. Your memory of these events will be limited, though some will have full awareness of their attendance. These classes are initiations that will act as triggers for movement into 5D. In these classes you will practice crossing dimensions and the maintenance of multiple dimensional experience, the results of which will prepare you for the transition into higher states of awareness and Being.  

Your Star brothers and sisters are already celebrating the coming of the Great Age when they (we) will finally be reunited. There is great joy in your hearts, in our hearts, as we come ever closer to this reunion. Enjoy this moment for it is one that has been anticipated for many a millennia.

Note: This post was not intended to be a channel but became such as it was written. I have not edited it to show where I speak and the collective speak. The experience of writing it is curious to me because as it flowed out of me my heart chakra felt to be moving up into my throat and out beyond the limits of my body. I literally felt my energy “rising up” into my third-eye and crown in the moments that the collective came through and my entire body began to vibrate. An amazing feeling!