I’ve been sleeping very deeply so my dreams escape me when I awaken most morning. This morning, I woke early and upon returning to bed I mentioned that I would like to remember my dreams. My request was granted.
Dream: Fish Aquarium and Peacocks in the Sky
In this dream I was inside my Mom’s house. There was a fish aquarium (emotional state, controlled situation that is safely contained), in the corner up on a stand. I remember this was the focus of my of my attention throughout the dream. I remember going into the back room (which was there in the late 80’s and early 90s and later demoed). When I looked back I saw something was wrong with the aquarium. A dark cloud of debris (negative situation) was forming in the center. I went to take a closer look and saw that the aquarium had fallen on its side and the contents of the filter got into the tank. I immediately worked to fix it and spent a long time looking for more stable stands for it to sit on. I could not find one that was stable, though. Everything wobbled. Ultimately, I set it on the floor in the corner because it was the only way to keep it from tipping again. Still, though, the soft carpet made it wobble some and this bothered me and distracted me. There was a feeling that some kind of darkness or negativity would come in and push it over but there was nothing present to suggest anything or anyone was around to do that.
Eventually I went outside, noting the back room and the starkness of it. It was shifty and obviously there only from my memory of the past. Those times were upsetting for me being I was only 12-13 years old.
I went outside and sat by the pool, looking up at the sky. It was dark outside and the sky was a strange shade of purple mixed with gray. I think my older sister was there, or else she was mentioned. The whole time I was focused on the sky and how it shifted and tumbled as if a big storm (upset in life) was forming. As I watched the sky I saw a beautiful peacock (rebirth, renewal, hope, success) flying through the sky, only its wings never spread but remained by its side. I pointed up and said, “But look! There are peacocks in the sky! I love peacocks!” The peacock was bright and had a bubble of light around it that broke through the stormy clouds as it streaked across the horizon.
Then my Mom was talking about taking a group of people past our back fence (barrier) into another area. I saw in my mind a group walking through trees in low light but when they reached the fence the other side was clear and bright. I recall hearing, “Once we go past the property line we will be free.”
Dream: Almost There
In this dream I was inside a room. I can’t recall any details about the room. A conversation was going on between myself and a man. He was asking me about my work/job. What I recall about my “work” was that my purpose was to sleep with men and then give them an honest accounting of my experience and let them know what they needed to improve and what they excelled at. The man speaking to me was questioning my work. I felt I needed to explain that what I was doing was helping these men so they could learn how to be better lovers. The man talking to me was convinced but upset.
I remember three men stood in front of me. I had slept with all of them and given them an honest account of my experience with them. I remember turning to an older black man and complimenting him saying he was the best of the three by far. The older man was very humble and seemed surprised by my appraisal of his ability. I remember knowing that sometimes I had to tell the truth even when it was not wanted. The example that came to mind was telling a man his genital area was unexceptional and small and that he needed to compensate for that. lol
Then just me and the man I was talking to remained in the space. I could see the man very clearly. He had messy blonde hair and wore round spectacles (clarity, insight) that were a bit too big for his face. He seemed very young to me, maybe 20s. The man was concerned still about my work and seemed to be a bit whiny and insecure about our relationship. I spent time reassuring him while kissing him and laying very close. I could feel our connection at the heart. In my memory the feeling of our connection is calming and beautiful but I can also see images, like spots of color that moved and blended and breathed. The image took the place of all other images in my memory, as if we were the color and had no bodies at all.
I lay on top of him, kissing him and telling me he had nothing to worry about. I remember that he was naked and upon recognizing this, I pulled back to take a look. He was indeed naked and his male parts completely soft. I realized he was impotent and took note of this for later. My lucidity was peaking and so I was noting things to take back with me into waking reality.
I lay back on top of him, my chest over the top of his, and continued to kiss him gently and reassure him. Our connection would spark up and spread and then die down only to spark up again. The energy felt somewhat like popcorn as it burst, rose and fell.
There was this clarity that came to me then, and I realized that my work was nearly complete. I said to him, “There’s just one more step. We’re almost there. Just one last step and I’m done.” With this is a feeling of relief, as if I was feeling what he was feeling. I could also see the progression of the path I/we had been on and very clearly the last portion of the path ahead. It was so brief a glimpse that my memory is just of a flash of a road map, as if viewed on a small paper held in my hand. There is a greenish glow to it.
When I woke a portion of a song was going through my head, “Wanna have you near me. I wanna have you hear me sayin’, no one needs you more than I need you.”
It felt as if the dream was me talking to a part of myself, the masculine aspect, who currently feels impotent and unable to effect change in the way he wants to in life. The feminine part appears to be helping others see themselves. This is her “work” and how she helps others. She is explaining this to the masculine side who is attempting to get her sole attention. The answer she offers is that she is almost finished and on the last step or stage of the journey.
Together the two dreams suggest a period of uncertainty and powerlessness that will eventually end. This is somewhat of a relief but then endings usually mean another beginning and there is such exhaustion felt right now that I struggle to look forward to yet another beginning.
Just last night I was thinking of how my life might look if it were a chart or graph. The up’s and down’s graphed as waves and troughs. The low periods lasting much longer than the high periods. So perhaps this thought bled through into my dreams.
This week I had an incident that has left me a bit shaken. As you may or may not remember, in the past I have had low blood sugar attacks when working out that led to major panic attacks from the fear of passing out or worse. This all began in 2016 and has ebbed and flowed, getting better for a time only to return.
Well, on Wednesday this week I was exercising and suddenly my heart rate spiked and would not come down. I had to stop and lay down and wait for it to pass. The entire time I was taking long, deep breaths but no matter how deeply I breathed it felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.
Once recovered I ate a handful of peanut M&M’s and decided to run a bath to relax but some random family things occurred that caused me to get irritated and my heart rate spiked again. This time it stayed elevated for way too long and I got scared that I would indeed pass out or worse. I called my husband and stayed close to the floor as I waited it out. My husband texted back that he was on a conference call and so I asked my daughter to bring me up some peanut butter crackers.
When eating the crackers I realized I had absolutely no saliva so had to crawl to the sink to get water. It was the strangest thing! I sat on the floor in the bathroom eating and drinking my way through about 15 minutes of racing heart, dizziness and headache until finally I started to feel more normal. By the time my husband came home I was better, soaking in my bath. It was not until then that I starting crying.
The whole experience really shook me up. Panic attacks always do but they never last more than a few minutes, max. This was over a half hour! The feeling of not getting enough oxygen was the worst part. It felt like I was drowning. Every breath a gasp for air that seemed not to fulfill my body’s need for oxygen. Heart pounding in my chest, light-headed, and terrified that if I passed out I would not wake up.
Two days later, feeling fully recovered and well fed, I attempted to workout again, going slowly through the workout and taking longer breaks. Yet still my heart began to race and I had to lay down and breathe through it. Thankfully, it lasted only a couple of minutes and I was able to complete my workout without issue. This time it was definitely panic and not blood sugar. It may make working out from home difficult from here on out as environment tends to trigger the panic. 😦
Last night I noticed my heart was fluttering a bit, which it tends to do now and again ever since my first pregnancy. Despite knowing it is totally normal for me, it made me worry a bit and my mind started racing thinking of all the “what if’s”. What if this is it? What if my body is giving out? What if all the Kundalini, OBEs and other crazy spiritual experiences have taken a toll? My heart does tend to race when OOB and sometimes I have struggled to breathe, gasping for air. My guides have even warned me that going OOB can strain the heart (or my heart anyway).
And then I thought that I would be fine if this was it. If a doctor suggests I get on medicine like my mom I won’t do it. If surgery is suggested I won’t do it. I am fine if this is the beginning of the end. I just don’t like the panic part. Maybe I can move through the panic by holding onto the thought that it is only temporary and better things await around the corner? I did decide that when open-enrollment comes around at work that I will get coverage just in case. Then, if ever I do pass out (God forbid), the ambulance and emergency room will be covered.
And I went to sleep happy with whatever the outcome.