I am beginning to notice a pattern emerging. The nights bring inner work, work that I do not look forward to. Before bed I can sense it coming. It brings that energy sick feeling; an inner resistance and avoidance of something surfacing from my subconscious.
Dream Mix – Fence, Wagon, Game, Wedding Rehearsal
This dream is broken up and patchy in the beginning, so bear with me.
The first scene is outside in a field with two parallel fences (barriers to progress or between levels of consciousness). The inner fence is electrified and has contained within it very large cats (feminine power, how one wields their power). I can’t recall what kind now but I think they were yellow like lions or mountain lions. The outer fence is an area where the family children (innocence, purity) and pets can roam freely. I remember seeing an individual wandering out in the outer yard and seeing one of the large cats at the edge of the electrified fence trying to get to him. The cat tested the fence despite being electrified and started to ram into it head first. I saw the fence buckle but not give in. I called to the individual who I remember both as a small boy and as a small animal like a cat so I don’t know which it was. It felt like sending anyone to the outer yard was not safe anymore and I remember thinking it not wise to venture out there even with the protective electrified fence.
In the next scene I am invited inside by a group of three women. We sit at a table and one woman suggests we play a card game. She begins to deal the cards and asks me if I want some wine (relaxation, ease), but it is like a sparkling version. I hesitate and she urges me to take some, so I do. Then we focus on the game and I see a pile of cards in the center with one turned over. There is a multiple choice question on it and we are to look at our cards to see if they match the answer. Mine does but before I can say my answer to win the round the woman starts to deal again. I protest, saying I did not get ample time to answer and asked where the timer was (I saw a mini hourglass in my mind). I told her we needed one and she ignored me, intent on playing the game without one. In my mind I saw how not having a timer worked to her advantage and felt it was very unfair.
The scene shifts again and I am on a wagon in the woods with a group of men who have taken captive two young girls. The man in charge is getting ready to set off when it is brought to his attention that the girls are the daughters of someone he knows. Hearing this, he instructs his men to let the girls go and to give them money for their journey. The girls are left on the dirt road and the wagon leaves. I am with them and urge them to go but they are reticent. I say to them, “You should count yourself lucky! He let you go and gave you money, too! He obviously cares about what happens to you!” The girls wise up and walk down the road. There is one who is very cautious and I ask her, “I am curious, when were you born?” She says, “November.” I ask, “When in November? Early on or later in the month?” She says, “November 17th.” I say, “Oh wow! Then you are all Scorpio! That is my dad’s birthday. But you aren’t acting like a typical Scorpio. You are being very mental, like an air sign” Then I ask them, “What sign would you want to be if you could pick? I would be a Taurus…..or better yet, Aquarius! Aquarius is the water bearer, a beautiful and graceful woman.” In my mind I saw the water bearer – an angelic woman with flowing hair and clothing – and wanted very badly to be her.
The scene shifted yet again. I am with a small family group. The daughter is about to be married. I suggest we stop by the hotel where the wedding is to be held to take a look. Inside, I look down the spiral, brown carpeted staircase. It is very high and steep. I say, “I would trip if I walked down that in a wedding dress, even the simple one that I wore on my wedding day.” At the bottom of the stairs I am getting dressed in what I will wear at the wedding. I wrap around me a corset-type piece of clothing. It is hard to maneuver myself inside of it. It squishes my breasts up and against my body. It is made of black satin and very beautiful. When I am done I show it to another women. She walks around me, looking closely and then asked me, “What have you done with your hair?” I see what she sees and instead of the corset being around my bosom it is around my head and looks very much like a black crown. It reminds me of the witch’s crown in Sleeping Beauty (Maleficent). My hair is bundled up on top with a long strand coming down. I told her, “I don’t know.”
The dream continues with a reception gathering at what resembles the inside of a church (seeking guidance/insight). I am standing among the pews along with everyone else looking ahead but I am not looking at what everyone else is. Instead, I see a tall, familiar man standing and facing me, his back to the front of the room. He is lit up brightly compared to everyone else and I cannot not avert my eyes no matter how hard I try, and I did try. He is younger than I recall in his photos but it is definitely him. He seems to be communicating with me but I am avoiding his communication and him. I do not want him to know I am looking at him. I am acutely aware of the whole scene; it feels as if time slows and despite others being in the room I sense only us. I look away but feel his focus on me. When I look back he catches me looking. This happens several times until I finally turn and walk away.
Then I encounter my mom and we are together a short time before she says to me, “I forgot something at home. I’ll be right back.” When she returns a short time later she has a huge black eye. I ask her what happens and she replies with, “I’ll tell you later.” I know that she returned home and her husband hit her in a drunken rage.
Then I am talking with some women but I can’t recall what all we said. My main recollection is saying to them, “Why did I have to fall in love with a man who doesn’t love me?” I burst into tears, my chest heaving and waking me up. The tears continued briefly after I woke.
After waking I feel the top of my head alive with energy. It is as if the black crown is still on my head. Similarly, my chest feels constricted as if the corset is still tightly wrapped around it. I try to wake fully but continue to fall into the in-between, the dream still vivid in my mind. I recognize the man in the church and wonder if he is aware that he visited me. I think of the black eye on my mother and recognize that she is me, going back to a situation that is harmful because she feels that is all she deserves.
The more I mull over the dream in the in-between the more my heart and head light up with energy. My heart is opening and closing; energy explodes out and then contracts inward. I think to myself, “I am trying to protect myself.” I see the black corset and know this to be true. I know the wagon portion of the dream is a message from myself to me. I tell the girl that the man let her go and gave her money because he cares about what happens to her. She should be grateful for his gift.
I know the whole dream sequence goes together despite seeming separate. The fence holding back the big cat is likely about me holding back my power, my scared femininity and sexuality. It is held back for now but threatening to break through. I fear it will destroy my innocence or a part of me that I feel is vulnerable. The game is about feeling a situation is unfair; feeling I do not have enough time and being overruled by circumstance. The wagon portion could be a past life memory or just me recognizing that I want to be this ideal version of myself – the water bearer – and reminding myself of a gift I have been given but have not recognized fully yet.
The wedding scene is likely about my own “wedding” which is symbolic of Hieros Gamos – the merging of the Divine masculine and feminine within. The corset is symbolic of something restrictive holding me back and specifically affecting my heart and crown – the head and the heart at at odds perhaps? Maleficent could be symbolic of my journey as a woman or of the plight of women in general. The man is familiar and shines like a beacon of light. Perhaps I see him as a guide or someone who can help? And I have already mentioned my mother, her black eye and how she represents me – perhaps the “old” version. My statement in the end reveals my struggle with coming to terms with a love that will never be returned.
This song was in my head when I woke: