Erased

Sleep was delayed last night and I didn’t care. For some reason my mind was highly active but my thoughts were scattered. The main thing I remember is thinking I was not happy but not knowing why and imagining myself opening up to someone, pouring my heart out and crying. Yet in reality no tears could be found even after searching for them. With this came a familiar realization – nothing really matters. This is just a grand play and am I but an actor on this stage called Earth.

Dream: Teacher Program

Sleep was deep when it finally came. I had had a dream where I was sitting in a room with other applicants to a teaching program. We mingled beforehand and a buffet (working through guilt) was set out haphazardly with food set in front of each applicant. I walked up to one man who was a history buff. He had a plate full of strawberries (feminine qualities and sexuality) and small mint (to calm, soothe) candies, an odd combination for sure. I took a handful making sure to limit the strawberries. It appears I am looking to soothe and calm my feminine sexual side in this portion of the dream.

Then I was sitting with the group as someone discussed with us the process and paperwork was passed out. I don’t recall seeing paperwork but knowing there would be assignments and that I had done it all before. There was a flash of a computer screen and a typical reflective question with columns to fill in. It reminded me of the online program I was in to receive my master’s degree. My thoughts here centered on my not wanting or needing to go through the process all over again. I thought about always having to “jump through hoops” and an apathetic feeling about it all. It just didn’t feel worth all the work. This part of the dream seems an overview of the past. Perhaps I am looking at my options?

At some point I was asked to talk about myself and I revealed that I had been on a two year break to stay home with my son. I remember repeating the part about my son as if I were uncertain and trying to remind myself of it. The woman was looking through my file and said, “I see you use to work at _______. That’s a rough school.” She seemed impressed. I confirmed that I had worked there but that I did not find it rough at all. The other students were listening in and it felt as if they were envious of my prior experience and curious to see if I would get a job on the spot. Possibilities are being discussed. New opportunities may be on the horizon.

More Astrology

This morning I woke early without the drowsy, heavy feeling I’ve become use to over the last week. It is clear that I am in an adjustment period, integrating the energies from the last few weeks. My guidance is very quiet and distant. The Kundalini is quiet.

This morning another astrology post was in my WP reader feed with more about Libra retrograde and the new moon. The following excerpt seemed applicable:

The Sun, Moon and Ceres oppose asteroid Amor (16 Aries) and trine Okyrhoe (16 Aquarius)

Amor reminds us to weigh the needs of justice and relationship in equal proportion to the self. Very often, we are guilt tripped into erasing ourselves from the equation, as we are told to give it all up for others. Whilst this behavior can be altuistic – it becomes damaging to the self when taken too far. If a relationship requires you to erase yourself (which is very different from ego-dissolution), you really have to ask yourself if this is what allows you to express your innermost Essence? If that question scares you, ask yourself why.

Okyrhoe´s role in this story is to remind us that we can, once again, open the doors to gifts long-denied, by acknowledging patterns in our upbringing that we tend to repeat in relationship dynamics. However, remember to allow others to draw their own conclusions, without foisting your view of reality upon them. But remember that you have the same privilege. Whilst the idea is to build bridges towards a shared understanding, it does not mean tossing one´s own view of things away in favour of someone else´s agenda. Source

The first paragraph is me in a nutshell. In my most recent forecasts, two different astrologers pointed out that my chart indicates such a conflict (lesson) in my life. I can’t recall the specifics but I think the positions of the planets Jupiter and/or Saturn is to blame here. This conflict is very real to me right now and has been for several years.

When I read this post this morning my feeling about it was neutral. My tendency, time and time again (pattern thus far) is to choose others over myself. This is not only because of the overwhelming guilt I feel for being “selfish” but also because I often do not know what I want for myself. I have become so use to adopting the wants/needs/desires of those I love that I have forgotten myself and my own wants/needs/desires in the process.

Thus far I have felt stuck to my current position in life. It feels like I have a bungee cord attached to me and when I wander too far away I am pulled straight back to it. My conclusion has been that I am bound to my current situation because of soul contracts and only when they are complete will that cord be cut, and only if I so desire it. But if I consider the above mentioned then it makes me wonder about my previous conclusions. Perhaps I am just too afraid to reach for what I want for fear of letting down those I love?

If I look back on my life I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. As a child and teenager I chose to do what I felt would best benefit my family, or make them happy, not me. I convinced myself that my choices were my own, but in reality I had no idea what I wanted so I did what my mom/family suggested I do. When I got married to my ex I did the same. His wants/needs/desires came over my own.

When single and on my own for a very short 4 years, I struggled. Without another as my anchor I felt adrift, floating from here to there looking for myself. I can’t say I made much progress. 😦

In my current relationship I continue to do the same. The pattern continues.

Honestly, I must say that without a partner or a close family member who I feel a similar connection to, I do not know what to do with myself. I feel without purpose and lost. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it just is what it is. The challenge would be to purposefully go it alone. This would force me to do things for me, right?

But my past experience of doing this was struggle. I left my ex-husband because I had lost (erased) myself in favor of building him up. At the time it felt like my ex was the cause of my misery, keeping me from what I wanted. I did survive my time alone. I did do those things I felt he was keeping me from, but it was short-lived. I had my spiritual awakening six months after leaving him and suddenly all those things I wanted were no longer an interest to me. It was like I was re-set.

So what do I do about this pattern? I have no idea. Maybe I will go to my grave with this unresolved. I feel unable to move beyond it. The pattern thus far shows that I reach a point where I feel suppressed by the person(s)/situations that I sacrifice myself to/for. The feeling often leads to resentment and a breaking point is reached. Perhaps the solution is to find balance somehow before a breaking point becomes the only option? Or maybe I have already let it go too far….

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