The month of August is usually an uneventful month in terms of spiritual experiences. Based upon my dreams last night, August 2018 looks like it will be no different.
Early in the night I had several false awakenings. Each time I would wake up in my room to find everything was in the wrong place or there were barriers to my movement. I often felt confused and disoriented and this would eventually wake me up for real. The false awakenings felt entirely real and when I woke up in my body I would be so tired I would pass out again right into another false awakening. The main confusion about the false awakenings was my inability to determine direction. It was as if my internal compass needed recalibration.
Dream: Out of Place
I found myself sitting in a classroom (life lessons). Every other student in the classroom was male and significantly younger than me. They were whispering and staring at me, giving me looks that suggested they felt threatened by my being there. I ignored them and focused on listening to music and passing the time. I recall seeing a screen in front of me that had images that went along with music (indicates a message is coming about my life). Some of the music was upbeat and unfamiliar. I remember another student looking at me and I made a comment about the music. He ignored me and turned away.
At one point a song came on that I knew well. I sang along, singing every word and thoroughly enjoying myself. It was a song I use to sing years ago. My ex-husband said it was “our song”, though I never identified with it as such. This is the song:
The singing of this song is one of the most vivid parts of the dream, especially the line, “Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance.”
The symbolism here suggests a message was coming through. In the dream I recognized the message to be that it is better to not know what is to come; to let life surprise me. Otherwise I may miss out on some of the best moments. I felt grateful for “the dance” I got to dance even if it was short and brought me pain.
After the song the teacher dismissed the class. When I looked up everyone had left and I was sitting all alone in the room. The teacher was looking at me and I said to her, “I guess they were in a hurry.” The whole time there was a sense that no one liked me or wanted me there, almost as if I were an intruder. There was an inner voice/Knowing that kept saying, “It doesn’t matter, focus on what feels right.” The Knowing kept me from caring what the others felt and thought of me. It existed beside the part of me that did care what others thought but was strong enough to override the concerns.
This part of the dream is indicating that I have learned to listen to my heart/HS and ignore the self-doubt and need for acceptance that stems from my Ego.
I felt a bit drugged (not wanting to confront something) and out of it as I walked down the hallway to my next class. Only I had no idea what my next class was. I went into a Science class and looked out over the desks and seated students. Everyone looked up at me and then went back to their business. I didn’t recognize the room. The desk layout seemed wrong and I couldn’t find my desk. Not know what to do, I stood at the back for a while holding my things. Some students looked at me and whispered. Some gave me irritated looks. I again felt to be out of place but I couldn’t remember where I was suppose to be.
I went to the front of the room and opened a door behind the teacher’s desk. There was a wall behind it. I felt silly and embarrassed for opening a false door (relates to a false path in waking life). The students’ eyes felt to be piecing my back. I went to another door and looked out of it at another class down the hall. Was I suppose to be in math class? I didn’t know (unsure of my path).
I turned around, took a vacant seat and opened my computer. Everyone in class had their computers open and we were all playing the same video (following the crowd/blending in). My computer (lack of individuality) was not functioning correctly and I eventually closed it. I remember the teacher commenting on my glasses. I looked at them and there was a huge crack (impaired vision) in the left (subconscious/ repressed emotions and thoughts) lens. I took it off and made an excuse, saying I knew about the crack. I mentioned that I could just wear my contacts and then said it would be better to wear my old glasses because the prescription in my right eye (conscious reality) had changed. I put on the cracked glasses and said that they were okay for the time being because the crack was below my line of sight (choosing to ignore subconscious).
The scene shifted and I was in a park outside the school with two others. One was setting up their laptop with a huge antenna (communication with surroundings). They were whispering about being within a mile of school to remain undetected. There was someone tracking them/us.
When the computer was connecting both students vanished, leaving me there alone. I remember taking control of the computer with my mind and disconnecting it from the wireless network. I knew I had to do it quickly before the signal was detected.
When I finished the students suddenly reappeared. I handed the laptop to the owner and said, “We need to get out of here, fast. They will be here any minute.” I took off in a different direction then the two students.
I ran behind a dumpster (trying to rid self of negative habits) and saw a suspicious car pull up in the street. A man holding an machine gun (need to keep my temper in check) climbed out. Then a woman climbed out behind him. I jumped into the dumpster, hiding under the lid and some large cardboard.
Suddenly there were people around the dumpster, so close I could see the details of their faces. No one saw me, though, and eventually they left. At one point I heard noise again and some little kids were pointing at me. Knowing I was safe I climbed out and went with the kids into the school.
Inside we were regrouping and a line of kids and parents came to the door for food. A man requested graham crackers (caring for others before self) for his little boy. There were none and as he turned away I pulled one out of my bag and gave it to him. He was grateful.
I went into a classroom (life lessons), only this time I felt to belong. There was a tall guy sitting at a cluster of computers. Behind him were temporary, black walls to block the view to his screens. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. I said to him, “Thank you for helping me.” We held hands for a long time. I remember feeling his hand as if we were in the physical. I looked at him and did not recognize him. He was very tall and thin, sort of nerdy with glasses and a prominent nose. I felt relieved sitting there with him; safe.
Considerations and Decisions
When I woke up the first thing I remembered was the song I sang and it’s message. I was reminded that without risk of pain one forgoes the potential for the positive experiences. Like the song says, life is better left to chance. We can avoid the pain but then we would miss all the joy and experience of the “dance”.
I felt that it was time to stop documenting my dreams for 2018 in an attempt to discover what the year may hold. Trying to look ahead is probably not good for me. Already I am feeling like 2018 is not going to be a good year. It may even be a painful year. This creates a resistance to what lies ahead and could keep me from enjoying the many possibilities to “dance”.
My thoughts went to the song and how my ex always said it was “our song”. I never felt this to be true yet in the end, for him anyway, the song was fitting. I said goodbye and broke his heart. Had he known what the future held for us, would he have even gotten involved with me? Probably not, but who knows. I knew and I still did. So in my case, even knowing my own future doesn’t seem to keep me from following a particular path.
I couldn’t help but think of the intense heart connection I experienced and how it changed me. I again questioned it, asking, “WHY!???”, because it still confuses the heck out of me. How can something feel so absolutely right yet end up hurting so much? The song rings true for that experience. Had I known the final outcome I would have avoided taking that path. But then I would never have had the amazing experiences that went with it. I should feel grateful for the experience regardless, to have been touched by something so rare is a blessing. But I still struggle to see it that way. I still struggle. Still. Ugh.
As I lingered in bed I heard from my guides, “You will love again.” I said, “I don’t want to.” They responded with, “Yes you do.” I couldn’t argue. They are right. I do long to love like that again but it scares the crap out of me because to love that much means to open myself up to more debilitating pain. But then that is the point of living in this physical reality where duality rules. That is why it is so exhilarating.
So, no more documenting of dreams for the purpose of seeing into 2018. I am sure it will be an interesting year of up’s and down’s, just like every other year. And who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised or even be blown away? Yes, please.