Halfway through 12 days of dream journaling. Not feeling especially convinced that my dreams are a reflection of the coming 12 months. But then who knows? If they are, thus far May seems to be a humdinger and June not much better.
I’ve been sleeping really well at least. Deep, restful sleep that makes me want to linger in bed, warm and cozy, dozing on and off for as long as possible. This morning I wished I could sleep forever.
Dream: Tall Grass
Much of this dream is hazy but I recall enough of it to recount it. I remember driving through an unfamiliar city and going into a restaurant. My children were on my mind and so I ordered takeout for them on my way out because I knew when I got home they would be hungry. I ordered three hot dogs (masculinity and sexual energy) and remember they were just tossed together in a bag so that the wieners and buns were separated (disconnect with masculine side or sexuality).
Then I was in the car (life path). My husband was driving (husband in control) and we to go pick up my daughter. I protested saying we needed to pick up our other child and it made more sense to go get him now since we were closer. He argued a bit and then ignored me so I gave up trying to convince him otherwise, accepting that we would be late. The road ahead was dark and seemed long and unfamiliar (venturing into unknown, fear, apprehension).
The dream shifted again and I was walking with a group of people. I think my mom and step-father were with me. We walked past an old man who was obviously a bit senile (waste of ability) because he was jabbering to himself. Concerned that he may be lost I retrieved him and brought him with us as we walked. My mom questioned me about this and I said it was the right thing to do. She didn’t object.
We walked for a while, me alongside the old man. He appeared to be getting better. He was acknowledging my kindness, thanking me and talking about bible study. I remember my mom and step-father interrupting because of a specific course they were signed up for. The old man said the $50 course was worthless because the men who taught it no longer went to their church. It was $50 down the drain. My mom mentioned that they might as well tear up their course packets.
By this time we had made it to a vast field of very green, neck high grass (protection). It was grass unlike any I had ever seen. I waded through it, unable to see ahead of me because the grass was too tall, and worried of what I might be stepping on/in because I couldn’t see the ground either. The old man was ahead of me and I heard him caution me about stopping. He said if anyone stopped for too long then their face and jawline would be covered in biting gnats (nagging or annoying issues) that caused severe pain. I remember seeing a visual in my mind of a bird-like jawline being attacked by tiny gnats. It didn’t look painful but I didn’t want to find out so I kept moving but never made it out of the grass because I woke up.
Dream: Singing Our Song
This dream began in the living area of my grandparent’s underground house. I was standing in front of a man I recognized but memory of his face is hazy now. We were having a heart-to-heart, catching up and expressing our feelings about our shared situation. My memory of our interaction is hazy. I mainly recall him by his energy.
The part of our conversation that is clear to me is him saying to me, “I’m sorry, but I can’t wait for you anymore.” I could feel his emotion and knew he was genuine in his apology. The feeling from him was that it was unfair for him to wait around, stalling his life and happiness, until I could figure things out. Not realizing he was doing this I immediately felt awful for holding him back. That was never my intention.
He continued to apologize, specifically for causing me pain. I can’t recall his exact words but it was something like, “If I had known I was hurting you I would have let you be.” The feeling from him was that he had been wracked with guilt over our situation. I understood all to well – “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Or as my guides pointed out to me at one point, “Quite a conundrum you have.” Yeah and that’s an understatement.
I could feel the emotion behind his words. I could not deny the pain I experienced but I did not blame him. I saw the pain as a part of the process; unavoidable considering the circumstances and necessary to the process.
I went up to him, caressed his cheek and said, “It was worth it. And I would do it over and over again.” With my words I communicated much more. My memory here is of how it felt in that moment. I wanted him to know that the love I had/have for him was well worth every.single painful moment. I also let him know that it was okay for him to move on. He didn’t have to wait for me. I didn’t want him to wait for me. I wanted him to be happy.
It felt like goodbye but I knew it wasn’t. It was merely that we had different “courses” (“we have different courses” is what I remember saying in the dream at one point).
There was so much more going on behind the dream it is mind boggling! I saw a chart of some kind, similar to a timeline, like a life path or (haha) “course”. There were rectangular boxes indicating moments along this line of varying widths and heights. There were two boxes that were double, maybe triple, the size of the other boxes. These represented our time together. Beyond the two boxes the sizes again shrunk, indicating a divergence.
What is interesting is the way I experienced the emotion of our communication. Though we were talking in words we were also singing the most beautiful duet I have ever heard. I heard a melody and words but they are lost to my memory now. However, what I do remember about the song we sang was that it made the entire space we occupied vibrate. Not only could I feel it but I could also hear it. It was in the background throughout our conversation and sounded like a million cicadas only louder and much faster. I have heard the sound before in dreams and OBEs and it is always awe inspiring. There is a color with it, too: Gold.
The feeling that remains even now is just how much I enjoyed singing our song, especially singing it with him. There is nothing more beautiful to me.
As he was leaving I felt a twinge of sadness. I saw a glimpse of a woman sitting in a pick-up and thought he must have found someone. I was grateful he would no longer be alone but I envied the woman.
Alone, I kept singing our song. In fact, I sang it for the rest of the dream. It reminds me of a pair of songbirds. Together they sing their song. It is unique to only them. When separated they sing it alone so that the other can always hear and find their way back. That is what it felt like I was doing in the dream.
I walked to the kitchen area of my grandparent’s house and was greeted by my grandmother (feminine aspect). She was very gentle with me as she guided me into a bedroom (private self), the bedroom my grandfather (masculine aspect) occupied in life. The bed was unmade (secrets exposed), as if someone had been sleeping in it. She instructed me to rest, though I never heard words. It felt like she was taking care of me, just like she did in life. I remember seeing others in the kitchen sitting at the table. It was “family” and they were waiting for me. I only recall a tall man whose energy felt a whole lot like my grandfather’s.
I got into the bed (since it is not my bed it represent consequences of my actions) and my grandmother put the covers over me. And then I slept (peace of mind). It was so nice, so peaceful, warm and safe. I wanted to stay forever.
Then I became aware of needing to “wake up”. I knew it was time to get out of bed. It felt like it was 7am, or at least the number 7 was prominent. My grandmother was encouraging me, her voice soft but firm, saying, “It’s time to get up now. It’s time to get up.” The feeling was that I had an appointment to go to, or at least somewhere to go.
I sat up on the right side of the bed and thought, “This was my Granddaddy’s bed.” I remember thinking about how in waking life the thought of sleeping in his old bed and in his old room made me shudder. It felt wrong. Yet here I was waking up in his old room and in his old bed!
Eventually I got up. My grandmother immediately began to make the bed (security). I helped her. Normally I wouldn’t have helped but in the dream I was honored to help her, remembering how she generously devoted her life to helping others, especially her family. Side by side we made the bed……. And I was still singing.
Note: The bed part of this dreams seems to go along with the saying, “You’ve made your bed now lie in it.” The fact that I am in my grandparents house, grandfather’s bed, indicates that I need to confront family issues specifically and many relate to the masculine.
When I awoke I was sad. It felt like the dream was indicating a goodbye. It felt so final and I grieved, though not as intensely as I have in the past. It’s as if my pain and grief is all used up. A well run dry from overuse.
A song was going through my mind, specifically the part, “Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Players only love you when they’re playing. Women, they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”
I didn’t understand the song when I heard it but now I think I do. Everything is temporary in this life. Change is the only constant. The last two lines are what I think the message sender wanted me to know, especially “when the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”
It really is all about timing and readiness. And when the time is right and am I ready, I will know.