I’ve been meaning to write sooner but each day I can’t seem to find the time and when I do find time I am either too tired or have lost motivation. Today is similar and even in writing this I am tempted to go lay on the floor (my attempt at meditation/grounding) for a while or take a bath rather than write. The tiredness comes from the previous four days of sleep deprivation. I seem unable to catch up no matter how many hours of sleep I accrue.
Additionally, our new puppy, Monty, requires tons of attention. I feel like a new mother! The only time I get to myself is when he takes naps. When he is awake I have to constantly monitor him and play with him. His morning nap is when I have scheduled my workout. His afternoon nap is when I am usually laying on the floor zoned out. lol By the evening he sleeps more but I am too busy with dinner and the kids to do much else. Once bedtime comes around all I want is sleep.
Speaking of Monty, he is settling into our family well. He has been kennel trained already meaning he goes to his kennel when he wants to sleep and play and will go into it when asked. He sleeps in it during the day and in the night without complaint, only whining when he needs to go potty. He is well on his way to being potty trained, too. He is a bit stubborn about the nipping/biting but then he is a herding dog so that is to be expected.
Here are some recent photos of him. He was 7 weeks old on Tuesday.
Messages and Kundalini
The last four nights I have had messages in dreams along with Kundalini the last two nights. I have been so dead tired that I have forgotten most of the dreams except for last night’s.
Firstly, two nights ago I received a message that was simply two words: Portal and Change. They seemed unrelated but then I received it again but this time heard it as “Change. Portal.” The feeling I got was that change was coming and it was related to a portal and somehow both were connected to the planet Mars. In my tiredness I mentally sent an eyeroll and fell back to sleep. lol
Edit: I just realized this “portal” is likely the 11/11 portal. What is weird is that I thought we were long past 11/11. Not sure where I’ve been….oh yeah zoned out on the floor. lol And apparently Mars and the Moon will be doing a dance on the 14th. 🙂
That night I had a dream of which only a small portion remains. I have a vague recollection of working alongside a male companion under the instruction of a male teacher. We had late work to do and I cheerfully agreed to complete it since it was math and I am “good at math”. I remember heading my paper with “Worcester” only I spelled it with a “ch”. Then I wrote out four digit subtraction problems and was praised for my neatness.
Also, early that night, prior to the dream and message, I had Kundalini activity in my root chakra again. Just like last month it was a very physical experience but this time I didn’t awaken and almost forgot it except that the experience are very intense so some of that intensity bled through enough to remember it.
Last night I again had Kundalini activity early in the night. I have faint memory of a bright, white light accompanying root chakra activity and a very pleasurable sensation. This time I woke up from it but had cramping in my abdomen like IBS pain that took about 10 minutes to subside.
The following dream came early this morning:
Kundalini Dream: Extinguishing the Fire
I was with a woman in a school building. We were taking down Christmas bulletin boards and clearing out our classrooms. The woman had a tiny red ball that she would press up against the bulletin boards. It somehow pulled them off like a magnet and then dissolved the material. The bulletin boards came down fast because of this gadget.
I remember thinking we would be done soon and said to the woman, “I don’t know why they give us so much time to do this. I can get it all done in a day.” The feeling was we had a week similar to what teachers get at the end of the school year.
Then I noticed a small fire burning near the floor. It was coming from a strand of Christmas lights. No one noticed the fire but me but I knew if I didn’t put it out it would engulf the entire room and building. I found a fire extinguisher and fiddled with it. Someone asked me if I knew how to use it. I said I did and then flipped the little ring off and pointed it at a drain on the floor to see if it would work. It did and so I then directed it at the flames. They went out almost immediately.
When we were done I met two women. One was very tall and the other very, very small and child-sized. I greeted the first, hugging her and saying, “It’s so good to finally meet you!” When I went to hug the smaller woman she said, “You know we’ve met before.” I looked at her closely and knew somehow that she was really male despite her female appearance. I also knew the two were a couple and were trying to have a baby.
I ended up with the child-sized woman/man and seemed to get a lesson from her/him. She showed me in mental images male genitalia and explained how men can have multiple orgasms. I was fascinated by this and the more we discussed it the more lucid I became. My root chakra activated and shifted up into my second chakra. There was a “lesson” going on when this occurred but I only recall “extinguishing” the activity rather than giving into it. I do remember saying to the woman/man, “I need a partner.” When I said this is when I extinguished the energy despite very much wanting to give into it.
I woke up with the energy still very active and my lower chakras but it died down quickly.
Still really tired I attempted to sleep and ended up in the in-between. Most of what was discussed is lost to me now. I was just too tired to try and remember it all. However, I recall being told something about change and having a lot more coming. I suspect it has to do with the Kundalini but can’t be sure.
Part of a song was going through my head as I woke. Over and over I heard:
It’s not giving up, it’s letting go
And moving to a better place
It’s from this song:
My thoughts about the above dream are that it relates to the ending of my job/assignment as a “teacher”. The decorations being of a Christmas theme remind me of the many OBEs and dreams I’ve had with Christmas trees and gifts in them over the past several years. I seem to finally be moving beyond whatever this theme was all about. Gifts, Christmas….surprises, attraction or maybe expectation? IDK but the fact that I took that fire extinguisher and put out the fire to me is GOOD. I’m saying, “Nope. Not gonna be the effect of the ‘fire’ anymore.” Then the dream reiterates that I am ready to put out the fire because I literally shut down the Kundalini rather than give into it.
On Letting Go of Time
Yesterday in my exhaustion I opted to just browse FB rather than write in my blog. I ran across a post that jumped out at me. It seemed to be an explanation of the message I got recently – Let go of Time and Possibility – specifically the part in bold.
“hell is always doing things by laughing. It’s about living thinking about something else. Hell is never to be there, but always a little before or a little later, regretting something or waiting for another. It’s never gonna listen to you when you’re talking, ‘ cause you fuck around and there’s no reason for it to stop. Hell is life wasted waiting for life, thought wasted thinking of something else. This is where things become endless, where time passes, where time always goes far too slowly, where the days spread as centuries. As soon as we don’t see time, it’s that we went inside. And then everything lights up, everything lights up. The Kingdom is a state you reach when you don’t see time. It’s like party or love, but transferred to every moment of life. “
From: (pacôme thiellement, the victory of the without)
The quote is an accurate description of why I feel Earth is hell. Time here seems like an eternity, mostly it seems I will never get to the end of this torture. Many years of my life I have spent waiting. Waiting for what? IDK but it seems like I am just waiting for something, passing time. That is how I feel right now. Passing time, keeping busy so that time goes faster. The only thing I look forward to right now is sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. <——— I’ve been saying that for years…decades even.
So to let go of Time would be a huge deal.
A few days ago my brother sent me a link to a tarot reading he did for me. It was very good and had some parts that really hit home for me. Mostly I received validation of messages I had received via my guides and my own intuition. Sometimes, though, validation is all one needs.
These are the cards he drew for me:
The cards are as follows: Empress reversed, Queen of Swords, Strength reversed, Ten of Wands, Temperance, The Moon, Page of Pentacles.
I won’t include the whole reading as it is too long. Therefore, I will include only what he wrote in bold because he felt it was most important to my situation.
Empress reversed: Reversed, the Empress suggests a loss of personal power through placing too much emphasis on another person’s emotional or material needs, thus neglecting your own…..This card can also suggest a dependence on other people’s feelings, indicating that you may be playing a waiting game now to see how your partner reacts and what emotion he/she displays. It is best not to do this but instead work through your own emotions independently of him or her. Notice that your next card is The Queen of Swords which further supports what was just said.
Queen of Swords: You are far more interested in career and ambitions than in emotional matters. The butterflies seemed to pop out to me when I drew this card (look at her gown). I haven’t really read any of your blogs recently but I remember seeing a butterfly in one of them.
Strength reversed: Strength reversed indicates weakness. You may have recently experienced a setback, or you are questioning your own journey and whether you are on the right track. Your inner strength and courage is lacking right now and you are feeling inadequate and vulnerable as a result. While these feelings may seem very real when you are in the moment, you will soon come to realize that they exist only to remind you that you are only temporarily out of touch with your inner strength. Similarly, the reversed Strength Tarot card suggests that you may be starting to doubt yourself and lose some self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead of taking the lead and manifesting your goals, you may be engaging in self-doubt and becoming dependent on others’ feelings and actions that then dictate your own. (Look at the top paragraph of The Empress)
Ten of Wands: Learn to delegate responsibility and do not take on more than you can handle.
Temperance: Moderation and wise management are the keys to success. You need to slow down, reevaluate your position, and remain open to compromise. The Temperance card reflects that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve. Patience and moderation will result in good management of all things. (Look at 10 of Wands)
The Moon: That which has been invisible or secret is coming to the surface.This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances. This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances.The card itself reminded me of your new puppy. Especially since the card has two dogs and a Full Moon in the background (Notice that its a Full Moon today). I think it signifies something that needs to be uncovered within your psyche over your former dog, Trooper. Or maybe something even deeper that is bothering you.
Page of Pentacles: The card does not indicate the fulfillment of dreams as much as the initial motivation and energy to begin the process of creating those dreams in reality. Therefore, this card encourages you to begin to put in place clear plans and actions that will ultimately lead you to achieve your dreams and goals. This is a time when you need to be able to apply careful planning in order to manifest your dreams and achieve your goals.
He also drew some advice cards for me. The one that stood out to me was the Spiritual Partnership card.
This card indicates a time when a significant spiritual relationship is about to be forged, Perhaps it comes in the form of a friendship between like-minded souls on a similar journey toward enlightenment. Or maybe its a master/disciple relationship where an important individual enters your life. The saying goes, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and when yours arrives, he or she will assist you in expanding your spiritual growth. During the course of this relationship, you will play the role of both teacher and student, and the wisdom gained form this experience will enhance your connection to Source. Perhaps a spiritually minded catalyst in another’s spiritual journey and help that individual on his or her path. Reason will broaden your understanding of the Divine. Regardless of the form this spiritual relationship takes, it will serve your greater good.
When I’m as tired as I have been and not as spiritually inclined I tend to receive messages in synchronicities and such rather than directly. One such sync occurred yesterday when browsing the astral projection group I am a part of on FB. I have long been disconnected from it so thought I would look through the recent posts. Turns out there was one where they were asking for OBE accounts where the experiencer meets up with a deceased loved one. Of course the one I recalled first off was the one where I met my dad in the astral in December, 2005. In it he warned me of my sister’s upcoming life struggles and asked me to help her. It was such an odd OBE because of how intent he was on passing along the message. Intent enough that he always turned the conversation back to my sister when I tried to change the subject. He must have really wanted to get his point across to put as much effort into contacting me as he did!
After I wrote my account of that encounter I was reminded of all that has been happening with my sister lately. Most recently my mom and step-father have been losing sleep because someone has been vandalizing their property in the night. If you haven’t been reading my other blog then you don’t know all the crazy family drama that has been going on. To keep it short, my sister and BIL were evicted from my mom’s house just a couple of weeks ago. It is suspected that it is my BIL who is doing the vandalizing.
The OBE with my father all those years ago seemed to echo in my memory as if my father was saying to me, “See. I told you. Hard times.” And up to this point it has been so very accurate a prediction. Since that OBE my sister has been through hell and though she seemed to come back from it for a bit appears to be headed back there.
Knowing and Returns
And then there are the sparks of Knowing that hit me out of the blue. I do my best to ignore them but one got through the other day. I was trying to sleep and one of my guides came close. I began to dramatize, whining about how horrible my life is and how I want to go Home, etc, etc (typical whiny me). He gave me a look like, “Give it up.” lol Then turned his back on me. I stopped and knew instantly I was being childish and this was “getting old”. I asked him, “What’s wrong?” He said, “You’re not listening” (sound familiar?). I immediately shut that part of me down and settled into my calm heart space.
The next morning I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed and wanting to go into my “poor me” whining again. Instead, though, I felt someone cut me off mid-thought and when he did (it was that same guide) I Knew I would get everything I wanted. It hit me so strongly along with memory of previous Knowing of the same.exact.thing. I worried a little then that I would get what I wanted and it would end up being a hard lesson. lol Then I wondered what is was I wanted….well you get the idea. Thinking too much again.
This year I’ve not been the best at practicing what I learned prior. I was doing so good for so long, too. But honestly with all the letdown at the end of 2016 is was to be expected. I felt totally decimated and picking up the pieces of my crumbled Self
has not been is not easy. The reading above is so right on with the Strength card reversed. I am depleted – mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Right now I am clinging desperately to the physical aspects because, well, it is the only part of me that seems strong still. In fact, I have not been sick since summer and am in the best shape I’ve been in since my 20s. But I can’t do anything with my physical life beyond shaping this body until I have rebuilt the other parts. I have to be mentally sharp and interested again, I have to reconnect with my heart and emotional center, and I need a strong spiritual connection.
Getting the new puppy has me wondering if perhaps I am at the ending of one cycle and the beginning of a new one. The old cycle would have begun in 2000 when I got Trooper. Now, with Monty, perhaps I have returned to similar lessons from the year 2000. I feel similar in many ways – the same questions, the same emotional state, feeling fractured and alone, not knowing what I want or where I want to go in life. Stranded, stuck, without courage.
I feel like I felt prior to 2014 when everything started ramping up spiritually. I am again asking myself, “What now? What’s left to do in this life? Is this all there is?” I am not excited about life, though I am trying to keep myself interested. I feel once again like my life is pointless and without meaning. I question living as a human, of procreation, of the cycle of life and death….of all of it. I look back on my life and find I’ve accomplished little to nothing of value and I don’t really care. Because of the Kundalini I don’t want to have sex ever again (lol yeah really) and so have been unintentionally practicing abstinence for…. months, I’ve lost count now. No physical sexual act will ever live up to what I have experienced, at least not unless it is melded with the spiritual and I’ve lost hope of that ever happening in my lifetime. So what is left? No sex, no enjoyment of everyday things, nothing to look forward to but…..sleep. You get why I wonder, “Is this it?” Maybe next I just need to suck it up and accept that, yep, this is it.