Yesterday I had another exercise-induced panic attack at the gym. Thankfully, I was dropped off so did not have to worry about driving in such a state. However, I had to wait 15 minutes for my ride which was very difficult.
You may be wondering why I even bothered going to the gym. Well, I had a successful workout the last time so I figured I would be okay. This time I believe it was the confining space of the workout area combined with the intensity of the workout I chose. But I cannot gauge when and what will trigger these attacks and once one is triggered I have to just wait it out.
The positive side to the wait this time was that I was able to sit with the sensations that were causing the fear/panic reaction. The pounding heart was the strongest but there was also a feeling similar to the moments right before going OOB. I was interpreting the latter as dizziness and it created a panic response because I did not want to pass out at the gym. There was also a strong sensation in my chest, like a burning, that caused worry but it was only present when I was in full-on panic mode.
I was able to get comfortable with my pounding heart without a problem and when I did the panic feelings would abate. Sadly, my mind would start to worry about this or that or something would cause me to feel close to going OOB and the panic would come on full-force again. I went through several panic attacks in 15 minutes. It was on again, off again. Only when I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car did I finally calm down.
It was suggested by a FB friend that it could be a Pluto transit and maybe even Uranus causing me to ultra sensitive and open at this time. I told him I would not be surprised if that was the case. However, there is a serious upgrade underway right now and I suspect it is creating the perfect storm of emotional sensitivity in me.
Dream: Puppy Love
I’ve resorted to taking Benadryl at night again for a more restful sleep. It has helped but it doesn’t stop the dreams or guide communication. I am to the point now that I purposefully try and block dream recall. My guides have other ideas, though.
I had a very in-depth, near lucid dream last night where I was again working at a school as a counselor. My assignment this time was to pick up a student from class because his parents were coming to pick him up.
When I arrived at the location it was not a classroom but a large open space where children were all sitting on the floor. Each child was with a mother cat and kittens (transitional phase toward independence) and their job was to watch over them. I remember talking to the kids about their charges and smiling and feeling joy at the tiny kittens stumbling around. They had just opened their eyes and were cautiously exploring their surroundings. I advised the children to watch their kittens carefully because they had a tendency to wander off.
I had to go to the boy’s locker (hidden aspects of Self) to get his things. I was told his locker was #88 (material abundance) and it was located near the pre-school. I found the locker but it resembled a large mailbox (important info about to be received) like you would find at the post office. When I opened it I grabbed his stuff and a plastic bag with what looked like a change of clothes (identity) and lunchbox (preparing for important life event). Then I closed the locker and went to the nurse’s office to pick up the boy.
The nurse (need to take time to heal) handed the boy over to me right away. The boy was about 9 years old and happy to go with me. In fact, it did not take me long to realize the boy was enamored with me. He stayed really close to me and seemed under a spell.
We sat for a moment to wait for his parents. He sat really close to me and rested his head on my shoulder as we talked. I remained very professional the entire time, moving away from him out of fear that a coworker would mistake our closeness for something other than it was. Yet I could feel a strange energy between us. Or was it his energy? I couldn’t tell, but the feeling made me uncomfortable. It made my heart feel very warm and the warmth spread out from the center into my arms, stomach and head.
The thoughts going through my mind was what I recall here, not our conversation. I recognized the energy between us but could not understand why the boy would respond like he was, as if he had romantic inclinations. I was thinking, “Can a boy even have such feelings?” lol I was also reminding myself that I was an adult and had a certain responsibility as a mentor to children. I could not let my discomfort with the energy hinder that.
Then the boy was handing me a picture. On it was a childish drawing of my face and to the lower left was a large heart. The message he sent was that he was in love with me. I retracted from this, once again wondering if a boy could even feel such things. Then I saw an entire love letter was written alongside the picture. I don’t recall what it said now other than it having tons of misspelled words. I though it sweet but worried the boy would get his heart crushed if I responded incorrectly to the situation.
Then I was meeting the boy’s parents. They were to catch a flight out of the school area and go back home to South Africa (getting down to one’s roots). I remember worrying his parents would be concerned about the attachment this boy had to me but they did not react at all to how he clung to me. I thought for sure they could feel the inappropriate feelings between us, but they obviously couldn’t.
We arrived at the airport but instead of a terminal it was a separate room encased in glass (protection). Inside the room were slides (instability in life or relationship) literally side-by-side. I could see individuals step onto a small, hoverboard-looking thing and then go down the slide really fast. Those that got enough momentum would disappear by the time they reached the bottom, transported instantly to their destination. I knew the boy would be going home to South Africa this way and though it was odd I thought it perfectly normal in the dream, like it was a new mode of transportation that was better than flying.
The boy, who now seemed to be the age of 15, stood with me outside the glass enclosure with his parents. As the time came for him to go he turned and said to me, “We were suppose to meet. I asked for you and you came. It is clear to me that you and I are meant to be a couple.” The energy of his words seemed to flow around my entire body and I could feel his certainty and his love for me. Of course, I was thoroughly confused by the whole thing. I could feel the love from him and the love I felt for him matched it. Yet I rejected the love because of how unacceptable it was. The age gap between us was enormous. He could be my very own child!
I was awakened at this point, though by what I can’t recall. As I woke a guide was very close by asking me what I thought about the dream encounter and what I was feeling. My entire chest was warm and expansive and I was a bit confused by the whole dream experience. I don’t remember the conversation word-for-word but the understanding from it was that the dream was to show me what to expect in the future, specifically with the children I would work with. I did not want to consider such connections were awaiting me. How weird would that be? To be a counselor/mentor to students of such a young age and have to deal with not only my own strong feelings of love but also theirs! And to think they would interpret the love feeling as the boy in the dream did and I would have to remain “professional” and retain my mentor role despite it. I do not think I would have an issue with remaining professional but how awkward! Not to mention the internal conflict!
The conversation shifted from there to me resisting ever returning to work as a counselor. Not because of the dream but because it didn’t feel right. I was asked what feels right and my answer shifted the conversation to more uncomfortable issues, issues that I do not want to confront. This guide was super persistent about me doing what I knew I needed to do. He reminded me that my delaying things would not be helpful. He was so damn reasonable, too. Everything he said made sense and was the truth, truth I did not want to accept. I want to do nothing, to keep things as they are despite everything telling me to make changes. So much of the discussion was in why I was stalling. He reminded me that I have the strength, the know-how, the determination, the courage, yet I still do nothing. I understand all of it – the why, the how, the path ahead – yet I don’t act. He encouraged me to just focus on the next step. Take the next step and then go from there was his advice. I get it, I do, but that step is scary to me despite its being so simple. I can see the other steps. I see too much and the challenges ahead are unwanted. Plus, the feeling that comes with the path is that everything I have worked to build in my life will be destroyed. His response was, “You created it, you can destroy it and then create something new.” I told him I prefer to stay safe, right where I am.
I told him I would rather be pushed than do anything on my own. The feeling from him was that I had already been pushed and done nothing. “How much more pushing do you need?” was his question. The visuals and memories of all the pushing I’ve had came all at once. It was obvious yet I was still trying to talk myself into believing otherwise.
Eventually I said to this guide, “I’ll do it.” This was more of an apathetic statement, not gung-ho at all. He said, “I know.”
Then a song came into my mind. I woke up yesterday with it, too. The specific part was, “If I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you….” and “If I could turn back time.” I suspect the message is that time cannot be gotten back. The longer I wait, the more time I lose. And the first part is to remind me that I deserve so much more. Sigh. My guides love me. If only I loved me as much as they do.