July 1st here I am. Graduated. Supposedly. I don’t feel graduated. I haven’t had any significant experiences or insight to conclude that anything close to a graduation happened. Perhaps it was only for my “brother” and I am having to take summer school to make up credits? I must have missed the blue bus in that dream the other day and have to wait for the next one. I think I’ve missed every bus that has ever come around. I should probably just hitch a ride or walk to my destination.
I’ve been in a funk lately or something like it. Spiritually all is quiet. Sleep is super deep and I am still fighting off the cold, or maybe it is now allergies. My sore throat is on and off again and I am still coughing, experiencing runny/dry eyes, congestion and just general malaise. Last night my ears were giving me issues. My left ear was ringing and my right ear was itching really horribly (hate that!). On top of all of the above, my sleep is horrible – constantly interrupted and not restful.
On top of all the weird physical symptoms that I’m having there has been an increase in anxiety related to my gym visits. It’s really putting a kink in my routine. I have been writing about the low blood sugar episodes and panic attacks at the gym for a while. Well, it seems that the anxiety has now extended to anything related to the gym from the trip there, to time at the gym, to the trip home. In fact, just driving through the intersection I go through on the way home from the gym incites anxiety when I’m not even going to the gym! It is so bad that just thinking about going to the gym puts a knot in my stomach. My solution has been to work out at home but yesterday I was determined to go to the gym and fight this stupid anxiety response with immersion therapy. I had my husband drop me off and pick me up to eliminate the drive anxiety. Thankfully, there was no incident at the gym but I was nervous the whole time. It really sucks and I am at a loss as to why it is happening now. I just want to get my gym fix already!
Most mornings I have been waking up feeling disinterest in life and forcing myself to find something to occupy my time so as to not get caught up in the monkey mind. I admit, I have been avoiding meditation and have blocked my guidance from coming through even when in a relaxed state. I just don’t want to know and don’t care to hear what they have to say right now. I feel like what they are going to tell me is something I don’t want to hear – bad news that I just don’t want to confront. They have to resort to messages in my dreams and through music and instant Knowing.
For example, the last two mornings I’ve heard this message, “I cross my heart and I hope to die…” I understood it to mean that what I have been told is true and to not give up hope. This is the song it is from. Again not exactly one of my favorites though I do like Maroon 5:
Last night I had several interesting dreams.
Dream: Four Lives in One
I experienced strange delirious states in this dream. One minute I would be talking to someone and in the midst of that interaction begin to make no sense to that situation because I was fully engaged in another one. I would catch myself and apologize only to end up doing it again. I resembled a crazy person.
All in all I was aware of four different “lives” I was living throughout the dream. Each time I would catch myself in one I would shift back to the preferred one but then get distracted back into another one. This dream was so unsettling it woke me up.
At one point I was in my mom’s house talking to family. They were going on a tour of the capitol ( personal finances) and would be gone all day. They asked if I wanted to go and I said I wanted to stay home. The entire time I was checking my phone and intending to text my partner. All I wanted to do was meet up with him and I couldn’t wait for my family to leave.
Somehow I ended up going with them when they left. I ended up inside a hotel that resembled a mansion (current relationship is in a rut). Inside I was in the dining room (important decision being made) and watched an old man go and tape off the table his family was to sit at. He also grabbed a huge umbrella (shielding self from emotion), snatching it before an old woman could get it. The feeling was that the mansion was a shelter (looking for security) and space was limited.
Then the place was empty – evacuated (isolating self from emotions). The group that had been there left in a hurry and we were left to deal with a huge group of people (conflict of ideas and interests) who had been locked out of the mansion before the evacuation. They wanted what was inside and were coming over the hill by the hundreds. Looking out at the people coming our way I said, “We should just let them in.”
Dream: The MRS
I heard very loud rock music playing and yelled to my husband to turn it down. I got up and locked my bedroom door. When I did I saw in large letters, “MRS”. I ignored it and went back to bed.
Then my husband was pounding on the locked door. He gained access and I got up and locked it again, using a key code. I changed the code and he would break in. This happened over and over to the point that I eventually gave up.
The scene shifted and we were shopping in a liquor store (lacking enthusiasm in life). I remember seeing an isle of liquor and thinking of the bottles as trees (can’t see forest for the trees). At the checkout I spoke to a man and a woman. The man had set out samples of a honey (be more assertive/communicate) treat and was commenting on how fast people were eating them. I mentioned it was too tempting being it was honey and then casually mentioned my concerns about my health. The woman said they did chest scans (feeling overwhelmed and in danger) but that I was still young enough not to worry about radiation (negativity in life/feeling overwhelmed). I mentioned my age and she reconsidered asking me if I had blood-work (revitalizing life force) recently. I said I had it during my pregnancies. She said I was probably okay because it would have registered on the tests.
This last dream appears to be insight into what it is that I am avoiding in my life. The MRS band message was interesting and the most vivid part of the dream. I had no idea such a band even existed! And they are also from Austin! The band says that they want to help women see themselves as always being “enough”. Considering I have been working through my issues with self-worth, this makes sense.
The locked door and continual break-in’s by my husband is likely a message that I cannot lock out my problems forever. They will continue to “force their way in” until I deal with them.
The final liquor store part seems to be guidance on how to handle my current issues.
I returned to the funeral of my grandfather. I remembered the whole thing but specifically walking by his open casket and seeing him dead. I then recalled my grandmother’s funeral and seeing her inside an open casket, too. It was an odd vision to have and I was surprised I recalled both funerals so vividly. This vision goes along with similar “death” messages I’ve been getting for some time.