Still in a funk. Energy-wise I feel tired and unmotivated. Still having some panic/anxiety and heart related issues, also.
Last weekend I went to the gym without incident. On the drive home, upon just seeing the string of cars stopped at a light ahead, I thought, “This is where I always have a panic attack.” Within seconds my heart began to race and the panic attack was on full-force. As soon as I got through the light (which seemed to take eons) I was fine.
Almost every time I get in my car now I have anxiety. Ugh.
So I am being triggered now because of all the past incidents. Sigh. But at least I know these incidents are not all related to low blood sugar.
My heart still does weird things when exercising outside of the gym. The other day I went for a run outside and less than a half mile in my heart began to pound and panic set in. Then, a few days ago, I was exercising at home quite strenuously and my chest actually hurt, though I had no other symptoms. But it concerned me.
It is hard to tell what are real, physical symptoms or panic attack symptoms. Panic attack symptoms are so real every time. Though I am use to them, I always end up thinking I may be dying at some point. It’s hard not to.
Fast forward to last night. Watching t.v. on my laptop in bed and very relaxed I became suddenly aware of my heart seeming to flip flop and flutter in my chest for a good 10-20 seconds. I checked my pulse and it seemed fine. I recognized it because with every one of my pregnancies I had these flutters and “skipped beats” in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Always normal for pregnancy but now, well, probably not normal.
Then this morning I experienced a sensation of my heart skipping beats while lying on my right side. This is the most common experience I have and I am use to it. It never lasts very long. But I am reminded of the difficulty breathing I experienced both during and after my most recent OBE. Is that somehow related?
Add this strange arrhythmia to the above panic attacks and gym episodes and it has me quite sure I have inherited my family’s tendency toward heart-related illness (on both sides). My dad’s side of the family carries a history of heart attack, heart valve problems and congenital heart defects. Both my dad and his brother died young (early 50s) from heart related problems. My mom’s side has stroke, high blood pressure and heart failure, mostly in old age. Sadly, my sister had to have open heart surgery when she was younger than I am now to replace a faulty heart valve that was congenital but never discovered until it nearly took her life. She now has to take medication for the rest of her life. My mom suffers from major arrhythmia to the point of losing consciousness and is on medication and has been since her 50s. I witnessed her pass out from it once and was with her through the whole heart-monitor-wearing ordeal that followed.
The heart fluctuations are weekly for me right now but I’ve been having these occurrences for years, though very intermittently and never at such a high rate as now. Nor have I ever had any chest pain before. It is daily now, though nothing sharp or scary. My heart chakra just hurts, like burning in my chest, most of the time.
I have not disregarded the part ascension and Kundalini play in this and suspect the stress put on my physical body from these energies is aggravating underlying issues that may not have been noticeable otherwise. I am super sensitive to energy fluctuations and notice every single change in my physical body from the norm.
So my plan is? Do nothing. Yep. I actually told my husband, “If I pass out or something, don’t call 9-1-1.” Then I said, “It is DNR for me, too. If I happen to get in a car accident or something, I don’t want them to waste their time resuscitating me.” This has always been my position anyway, but I wanted him to remind him so that if something does happen he doesn’t interfere.
I know, quite dramatic, but I have had messages along the way on this spiritual path of mine that refer to my having “limited time” here. Yes, it could be just the soul exchange or maybe it could be really the end of my life (well in both cases I guess it would be). With the Ego death stuff going on as well, it could just be adding to the drama of it all.
Along with these health related issues I have been feeling, yet again, “done” with life. This feeling was very strong in 2014-2015 and then the Kundalini came along and brought “new life” into me for a short time. Since the Kundalini has gone mostly quiet this year, the last major event in December, 2016, my view on this energy has shifted. The Kundalini and the events that coincided have been the most traumatic experience of this lifetime. I am exhausted. Still. The “loss” has just been too much. I am certain now that I will not be able to overcome it, at least not without major life change and I do not have the energy or desire to travel that road. It seems a daunting path for sure. I feel like a 100 year old facing a mountain without any climbing gear. Insurmountable.
In previous life reviews I never regretted one choice or event, even those that seemed awful at the time. Yet now, when I looked back, I regret choosing the path of the Kundalini. Yes, it can be magnificent but what it left behind was a rubble field of destruction. It exacerbated my lifetime Homesickness making this life that much more difficult to bear. Normal life bores the hell out of me now. I need more and more “excitement” to even want to be here. “Excitement” being those things of a spiritual nature and along the lines of what the Kundalini awoke in me. Those things of an earthly nature that I use to enjoy, just don’t bring me joy anymore. My daily life, though not torturous and really very good for a “normal” life, feels so empty and shallow in comparison to where I’ve been. When I look at my life I think, “This isn’t me. I’m not this person.”
Maybe this is all “normal” for what I’ve been through, and no, I don’t feel suicidal or like I am going to lose my mind and do something crazy. I just feel “done”, like my life and who I am as a person in this lifetime is complete.
Despite everything, I am planning on going to South Padre with my family and extended family this weekend. Maybe some time at the beach will do me some good.