Vulnerability

According to my guidance as posted on May 9th and other posts after that, yesterday marked the end of an intensely, brutal three week period.  May 30th marked my “graduation”. Now I (We) are embarking on a journey into the unknown.

I had several visions and messages upon waking that reminded me of all the messages warning me of this pivotal moment. I was reminded of dreams such as the one above and one where I had a feeling of trepidation reminiscent of how one feels after they’ve graduated from high school. There was memory of a post by a friend on FB who has been watching a nest of Wrens grow and mature in her garage. Yesterday the three surviving babies left the nest permanently (no coincidence I’m sure). Today is also the last day of school for my children. 🙂

The song Itsy Bitsy Spider came into my mind as well:

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain
and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again

With the song I heard from my guidance that I was entering a learning period that would last three months and asked if I was ready. The feeling about the song was that I had been washed out by the rain (despair/grief/purging) and now the sun was out (radiance, Divine Power), drying up all the rain so that I could resume my journey “up the water spout”.

Dreams

I was reminded of my dreams last night as well.

In the first one, I was inside a house and two pregnant (growth and development) women with young children came in. They were going to stay in my room. I was very disturbed by this and tried to find a place where I could sleep undisturbed. I remember saying, “It is likely the one or both of those women will go into labor in the middle of the night!” lol

Eventually I went outside to reconnect a plug (power, potential) that had become disconnect inside a helicopter (ambitions). I was warned that I needed to be very careful as it could electrocute me if I didn’t follow the proper sequence. When outside I saw that an entire section of wood fence (barriers) had been taken down revealing the neighbor’s yard. I asked if it would stay that way and was told it would. I heard the only issue was that the neighbor’s cats (feminine power, sexuality)  kept invading the yard.

I took the a black cord to the helicopter. On the way an orange (second chakra) tabby cat ran up to me. He lay down on the ground on his back purring. I was afraid he would bite me, though (afraid of my own power).

When I got inside the helicopter there was a dashboard with a telephone (communication) and other knobs. I was told where to connect it. The final step was to pick up the phone and check the connection. There was a dial tone. I was confused because nothing had happened but was told I had done it correctly.

I knew this dream was about the Kundalini. In fact, my first thought was, “Oh no! Not more cats!” lol The cat represents, for me at least, the sexual and feminine energies of the Kundalini. I usually run away from the cats in dreams. The message I got was to not be afraid. At least now I understand my fear. I tried not to think of how it would manifest this time. It will likely be in an unexpected way.

In another dream I was being treated for a rare illness (grief and self-pity). It manifested symptoms in the dream, but I have trouble remembering them now except that I felt strange. It was energetic, so likely Kundalini. I remember emotionally feeling down and different from the other people around me. I felt like a freak. As I sat waiting for someone to assist me I heard the elevator (rising to higher level) beep. I turned, expecting to see someone but the doors opened and no one was inside. I knew the doors were opening for me. I didn’t dare go inside. I felt defeated and exhausted when I thought of going inside. There was also a feeling of being alone and unique to the point that I felt it unlikely I would ever meet anyone like me. This made me feel that much more like a weirdo, out of place with no friends or hope of fitting in.

Considerations

Though the messages I received were positive, I did not respond positively. Instead I felt disinterest and resistance. All the emotional pummeling I went through recently has depleted me. I feel disillusioned mostly. This is my own fault for trying to force what I wanted on a situation rather than allow it to unfold naturally. Impatience has been my undoing. That is the realm of the Ego-Child. They want everything “now”. And then it doesn’t help that as a spiritual Being time is difficult to gauge. So, in hearing the next three months will be a time of learning and elevation I stopped myself from trying to figure out what this might mean. I will let myself be surprised, or at least try to anyway.

Vulnerability

There is something I want to share here that has been coming up for inspection quite a bit lately. It is related to this new openness that I have been struggling to get use to. The best word for it is vulnerability. Yes, that means being open to attack, but it also means being open to everything else. In the Divine sense it goes along with complete surrender and a willingness to expose ones self to the good and the bad alike. I am coming to terms with the fact that this vulnerability is my new normal.

This article sums up vulnerability quite well.

It starts to make sense that we dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities. If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it. For some of us, it’s new learning, and for others it’s relearning. Either way, the research taught me that the best place to start is with defining, recognizing, and understanding vulnerability.

I have been receiving nudges to let myself feel and allow others to see this side of me. I struggle a great deal with the latter. I look awful when I cry. My face gets red, my eyes are puffy and my nose is like Rudolph’s. I feel ill when I think of others seeing this side of me. I retract from it. I want to hide and often I do, usually retreating to any isolating space.

When I was a child my crying was criticized, my emotions rejected. There was very little to no sympathy from my mother. In fact, my tears seemed to make her angrier. Eventually, I developed this anger as well. I got angry with her and myself for crying. Even happy tears were hidden or repressed.

When I was pregnant the emotional side-effects were my nemesis. I could not control my tears and they often came on the minute the emotion was felt. And then they seemed to go on and on. I remember bursting into tears one time when I stopped by to talk to my boss about some issues. He was very nice and let me cry but I felt humiliated by the experience thinking to myself, “He must think I am such a sap.” He offered sympathy and I outright rejected it. Why? Because it caused more tears and emotion.

I reject sympathy from everyone when I am emotional, too. My mother taught me well. Her lesson was that a good woman is a strong women who doesn’t show others her weakness. To be a weak woman is to agree that men are the stronger gender.

Yeah, royally messed up but that is what I have to work with in the life.

What I am finding, though, is that I long to be emotional, to snuggle into the arms of a man and cry my eyes out without feeling he will reject or criticize me for being weak. Instead, he will see my emotion as strength. This is as it should be. I have very seldom exposed myself to anyone in this way. If I have, it is likely with a woman and not a man. The few times I have cried and hugged my husband there was no comfort to be found. I felt judged, weak and guilty. For some reason I feel judged by him, as if my pain is a burden on him.

The sad thing is that my own daughter already shows signs that she also believes emotion equals weakness. Her biggest fear is that she will start to cry at school and everyone will see her and judge her, ridicule her or think of her as the girl who cries all the time. I assume just her exposure to the woman in my family (me included) has led her down this path. Or maybe she brought it in with her from another lifetime. I try my best to comfort her when she cries. Sadly, I normally get pushed away and yelled at.

Will I be able to come to terms with this new, vulnerable state I find myself in all the time? I guess I’m going to have to.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Vulnerability

  1. Karin says:

    Thanks for sharing this. The emotional side of the journey is unsettling at times, to say the least, and the fear of overcoming this vulnerability is scary, for me, too . I can relate.

    I, too, have been nudged by spirit to share the emotions, and what I have been nudged or pushed to do was so-called emotional co-counseling. That is, in groups of two, one person goes through an emotion for about 15 minutes, and the other one just listens and says nothing (holding space). And then the roles are reversed.

    For the entire process and also afterwards, there are no comments, no unsolicited advice, and complete confidentiality.

    I don’t know why this process seems important, but have been told in a dream that my guide was building “golden bridges” for me to go over (- I don’t know whether there is an English idiom for translation of “building golden bridges for someone”. It means that there is much help and that the guidance wants to make this process easy).

    I was shown that this would be an important part of the journey. It seems to be about overcoming the shame of the emotion. Like finding out that there is nothing to hide and finding relief in that. And it also seems to be about the connection to someone else, about the trust.
    I thought that maybe it would so cathartic that the emotion would not need to come up again afterwards over and over again. But I am not sure of that yet.

    I hope you will find a way that works for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dayna says:

      Me, too. What you describe sounds very similar to a type of counseling I’ve done except the other person just holds space, they don’t share. From experience I can say it is very helpful.

      I’ve learned emotion will continue to be triggered until the core event that resulted in it is cleared.

      Liked by 1 person

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