Dream or Reality?

I experienced another purging episode last night around 6pm. It was another bad one. I would recover briefly only to be overcome by it again. It seemed to come in waves and though I pleaded with my guidance for it to stop, it didn’t. Eventually, in my quest to stop the overwhelming emotion, a thought came to me that I should do some yoga. With the thought my third eye, throat and heart lit up with energy.

I went directly upstairs and did some yoga for about a half hour. In the beginning the emotion came on strong but by the end it was gone and I felt normal albeit exhausted. My heart was on fire most of the time as it was also when hit with the emotion. The only way to describe the feeling is to say my heart is aching – literally.

In recalling how I felt last night a memory surfaced of a similar feeling I once had way back in May, 2015. It was preceded by an amazing OBE where I met up with my Council and family in Spirit. The afternoon after this OBE, however, I was nearly debilitated by a surge of emotion and grief. It hit my heart center and felt exactly like the ache in my heart I felt last night. The grief felt on this day in 2015 was for the loss of a family member in Spirit, a close family member and one who I loved dearly. She had killed herself, exiting her life prematurely, and the after-effects were felt by each of us like a ripple effect through us all. It was such a strange experience back then for me to feel such overwhelming love for a woman I never knew in the physical. And then to have it knock me to my knees to the point of non-functionality was a surprise indeed!

Being that how I have been feeling for – jeez months now? – is nearly identical to how I felt in May, 2015, it has me wondering some things. Am I grieving my family in Spirit? Is the grief coming from my resistance to a “call” to join them? Or is it just grief for being separated from them? And if it is either of those, what does it even mean? Will I be feeling like this until I answer the “call” and reunite with them? How the hell am I suppose to live like this? It is like a living death when the pain and grief hits me and so far it has been a nightly/daily occurrence.

Dream or Reality?

This morning a strange thing happened. I had awakened with absolutely no memory of dreams or experiences in dreamtime. I was just laying there dozing when I suddenly recalled something I had done. The memory was of being in a room with at least a half dozen men. They were standing in line at the foot of a bed I was laying on. My job was to have sex with each of them, one by one. I remember doing this happily and allowing them to treat me as a sex object. I even remember some of what they said and what I said, all of very degrading. They had no shame and neither did I. In fact, I felt completely at ease in my role, as if it was an accepted part of the life I chose. There was absolutely no rejection of any part of it.

When I recognized the memory it was real to me. I knew I had done this. In fact, it felt like I had been doing it my entire life. Confused and shocked by the memory and how at-ease I was at who I was and what I did, I went into a mild panic searching for answers to this strange and very real memory. Was it a dream? Yeah, it had to be a dream! I am not that woman. I am not a prostitute.

Somehow I settled down, convinced it must have been an OBE or dream I had somehow forgotten. Within moments I recalled another incident. Again, very real. So much so that I had no doubt I was the person in the memory because I felt what she felt and recalled details no dream would offer. In the memory I was with my lover in the midst of love making. The feelings of love were amazing. I have not felt such love with a partner in this lifetime. It was like pure connection – body, mind, spirit. I remember his blue shirt and the bedroom, the tiny twin sized bed, the large window, the curtains all lace with tiny purple flowers, the carpeting. Everything. I remember recognizing that I felt absolutely no shame or guilt in being with him despite being married to another man. I remember him, too, though all I recall now is his smell, the feel of his arms around me and his dark hair.

The moment I had this memory I “woke up” and my vision was filled with hypnagogic imagery. Tiny, honey bees in a geometric pattern that moved from the center outward. There was a sudden shot to my heart coming from the left and a strange vibrating sensation in my entire upper body that emanated from my heart. The feeling in my heart surprised me and a shock of adrenaline coursed through me.

Yet I had not been asleep, had I? Where had I been? Was I in a trance? I don’t remember sleeping. I remember being awake. The memory of being with the man in blue was there but it had happened. I was certain it was real…wasn’t it?

Super confused I lay there contemplating it. What were these memories? Alternate timelines? Lives I lived simultaneously with this one? Projections? Other people’s memories? WTF?! lol

I must have drifted into the in-between because the next thing I recall is feeling someone, a man, touch my forehead right where my third eye is located. He said, “BE” when he touched it. Then he touched my chin and said, “LIVE”. I could see him smiling. He was shiny. Golden. He had a mischievous look in his eyes, too. What he said sounded like “Be-lieve” but at the same time it was also “BE” and “LIVE”.

I came back to myself when I felt a lightening bolt of energy shoot into my heart space from the left. Again I felt the vibrations and saw hypnagogic imagery. Again there was a rush of adrenaline.  I felt a distinct rush of fear, but of what? It didn’t make sense.

I thought, “That’s it. I am getting out of bed.” lol

This song has been in my mind for two days now:

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Dream or Reality?

  1. teleile says:

    You know, I just happened to see this on another blog, and I wonder if this is how you’re feeling? (Sorry if the layout is weird, that happens if I cut + paste something on my phone).

    “The acceleration of energy has
    been fairly excruciating. I don’t know how you’ve been
    experiencing it, but people are
    cracking and realities are
    disintegrating. All that’s good in the long run, but personally I’ve had periods where I felt encased in a deep-sea diving suit with
    water filling to the top, then
    subsiding so I could breathe a
    little, then filling up and
    subsiding, again and again, as
    waves of energy overwhelmed
    me. Sometimes it’s emotion and
    it’s harder to discriminate who
    “owns” the emotions in the soup we’re swimming in.
    I’ve heard varying explanations about why the energy inside our
    bodies and in the physical world
    is oscillating so fast: astrological
    transits and eclipses, sunspots,
    esoteric alignments. I don’t know
    what it is, but it’s real. One day
    my energy is screwed up to a
    high pitch and if I’m not super-
    centered, my mind races ahead, I
    get frustrated, irritated, and
    panic can take over. Then, it
    calms and I come back to an
    experience of being. Then,
    vroom, vroom, vroom! Off we go
    again! One day I couldn’t even
    remember how to meditate! I
    wrote this:
    Every few days I feel semi-
    flattened by something. . .it’s not
    the world, but an internal
    energy. I wrote this from within
    the strange state: “I’m walking
    through an energy wall of
    electrified particles — whatever
    molecules become right after
    they leave my body, where they
    don’t oscillate but scream. I take
    my mind in there, and with its
    accustomed neat order, it is
    electrocuted. I, whatever I am
    then, want to jump away. I
    spread out without focus and
    turn grayish mauve. There are
    no defenses. The chaos in the
    world affects me, the noises
    seem louder, the people
    abrasive, and in the flatness of
    feeling I cannot rest. Welling up
    around every particle is a sad,
    too-tender syrup of exhaustion.”

    http://intuitnow.blogspot.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  2. cherylasmith says:

    Wow, Dayna, that is an incredible account in those “dreams”. You identified the one scene with being a prostitue, I identified it with being a sex slave. There is mind control involved with being a slave and willingness to perform comes with that.

    With the scenes that followed, it feels like comparisons were being made between different types of sex.

    I am in the process of learning something important about sex and know in my core that what we have always thought, have been taught, about sex are wrong and are manipulating us to miss the important aspect of sexual energy transmission.

    It seems as though the goddess is supposed to be the one who chooses whom and when sex is to be ceremoniously enacted, regardless of a mate or partner. Weird idea to our thinking and one that has been corrupted by swingers and black magic practitioners.

    On a personal note- I chose to be born into a family that used mind control via sexual trauma, physical trauma, emotion and psychological trauma, religious trauma to control our thoughts and actions. To separate us from the knowledge of the divine beings we are. What you describe is very personal to me. This is also why I contracted to work with a walk-in. You should know, I would not have this knowledge today had I not been led to your blog and the information you share. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dayna says:

      Thanks so much for the great compliment. You’re welcome. ❤ One of the issues I have been confronting head-on in my relationship lately has been centered around sex and gender. Specifically I think I am helping my husband more than myself, but then it goes hand-in-hand. I like your interpretation of my dreams. You are correct in that I was contrasting the situations but it also taught me that we have to agree with some aspect of the role in order to play it. Without agreement the role would be tossed aside for another. I saw that some part of me agreed with "prostitute" but also with " justified infidelity". I could see how neither was "bad" or "good" really. My perspective determined it's rightness or wrongness every time. That is the point I think, too! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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