Despite feeling better, I still have lingering cold symptoms that just will not go away. It would be nice to feel 100% again. This prolonged illness is taking its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Since I felt better yesterday I attempted a trip to the gym. It didn’t go well and I had to come home early. It wiped me out. However, on the way home a familiar song came on that made me smile. You may know it if you are a child of the 80’s like I am. 🙂
Instantly I was taken to a time and place I had long ago forgotten. At that time in my life, my parents were divorced and my dad would take us on the weekends. He often took us to a particular skating rink. I’m not sure but I think he may have been part owner of it which makes sense because he was dabbling in many business ventures at the time. Anyway, I literally felt transported to a moment in my life around 1985. I was on the skating rink, multicolored lights were flashing and I could hear the above song playing loudly. It was just a brief moment from my life back then but it was vividly clear. One of those brief childhood reprieves in a very tumultuous time in my life. I can still remember everything about that skating rink from the rink itself to the arcade and the skate rental. My dad would leave us there all day while he went off and did others things. And even though I was especially traumatized during that time in my life (emotionally disturbed even) that memory is a cherished one.
I don’t know about you, but for me, each phase of my life has music attached to it in some way. Like the song above, that particular time in my life – 7-9yrs old, parents divorcing, moving to a new home, etc – is accompanied by specific music. When I hear the music it takes me back almost instantly to that time in my life. It is like I organize and categorize my life based upon the music I listened to. lol As I get older it seems to be even more pronounced. I even adjust my Ipod music selection now intentionally to block or encourage certain memories/life phases. When I feel I am ready to let go of a certain time, I delete all songs connected to it. Then later, when I feel ready to reminisce or when it is time to deal with whatever is left of those times, I find myself drawn to play songs from that time period again. When the emotional reaction to the music is gone, meaning I can listen and just enjoy the music for what it is, then I know I have handled whatever lingering issues there are from those time periods. The fact that I smiled when I heard the above song is positive. That was a very, very rough time in my life. Horrible, actually.
As you may have figured from yesterday’s post, my guidance is pushing me to action again. Action meaning that I need to make some changes in my life. I am hearing specifically, “What do you want?”, “Think about your life”, “It is TIME” and my favorite (not), “Are you ready to work?”
All of these except the last were common messages from my guidance back in 2011-2013. Back then I was in an especially horrible work situation, family and marriage were in upheaval, and I was miserable. It was like a mini-mid-life crisis. Just thinking about this time period and I get a song in my mind (yep!). This particular song was, It’s Time by Imagine Dragons. There’s that message literally in my face – IT’S TIME.
A little about me. 🙂 When I get to where I feel unhappy, bored or just generally dissatisfied with my life I typically bring in more doingness as a distraction. At that time I opted to get my Master’s degree and start weight lifting and transforming my body. I was doing this all with two young children, working a full-time stressful job, and other issues I was unwilling to confront. I tend to get myself so busy that I have no time to think or contemplate. It’s a great avoidance technique.
So where did this avoidance get me? Nowhere really. Yeah, I got a master’s degree which got me out of my stressful job situation only to lead me smack dab into another one. lol I also got a great looking fit, healthy body only to end up unexpectedly pregnant. Big LOL. All my hard work only led me back to where I started.
Back to present day. Here I am receiving similar messages. Here I am feeling similarly about my life. Here. I. Am. WTF, right?
We repeat lessons until they are learned. In fact, just yesterday I was thinking, “I need to find something to fill my time. To keep me occupied.” This is my avoidance technique at its best. In fact yesterday I was thinking, “Maybe I should look for a full-time job.” But just the idea of it made me feel exhausted and deflated. In the past I would steamroll over such a feeling. Now I can’t do that. How do you steamroll over a huge wall?
Since my normal avoidance techniques don’t seem to be working I am left not really knowing what to do. Maybe that is the point.
So to the heading of this section: Reset. It just came to me out of the blue and I thought that maybe I should check and see how many times I have written about a reset in this blog. Turns out it’s 2. And guess what? They are all spaced about a year apart from each other. Take a look: January 2015 and March 2016. HA! And I’m pretty sure I wrote about a reset in my older blog, I just couldn’t find it under that keyword and I’m too lazy to look further.
Last year I had been sick and going through a reset. It was caused by the Kundalini. In fact, both reset periods were linked to the Kundalini. I suspect this one is, too. I don’t remember any significant Kundalini episodes but this is likely because I have been sleeping so deeply. All I can remember is my root expanding once and some hazy recollections of energy in my upper chakras.
When I go through these periods my spiritual experiences slow down and I usually end up feeling similar to how I feel right now. Message: This is just a phase and it will not last forever. Allow it and breathe.
Dream: June Graduation
One more thing. I had a brief dream this morning. In it I was at my mom’s house but my sister and her husband had built a house close by. I was obviously confronting a potential outcome of the current situation, that my mom will give in and build my sister and her family a home next to theirs. She actually mentioned this to me the last time I visited. I was telling my mom in the dream that she was enabling them and I was feeling very disturbed by how things were unfolding.
Then I was with my brother up by the front gate of my grandparent’s property. We were looking at a green mailbox and talking. He held up in front of me a giant calendar. It was as tall as he was and very vivid. The calendar front had information about his upcoming graduation on it. The calendar itself was of the month of June and the majority of the month was blocked out except for the last four days. I could see those days distinctly and knew these were the days of the graduation preparations and commencement.
Green mailbox – An important message is about to be received. Green = positive change and hope.
When I woke up the first thing on my mind was knowing that my sister and her family would likely be living on my mother’s property permanently. I wanted to be pissed about it but immediately thought, “That is likely what my sisters thought about me when my mom gave me 2 acres next to her and I built a home and linked to her water well.” My upset dissolved and I was just left with a sadness for the situation that I knew was about to unfold. I saw how my mom needed to feel needed and my sister provided her with that. A lesson was unfolding for them and it was none of my business. In fact, at that moment I thought that I could completely disconnect from my family – mom, sisters, cousins, etc – and not have any issue with it. I wanted to move out of state and never come back and this was not to punish them but because I felt done. Weird.
Then I considered the part of the dream with my brother. I know without a doubt it was not my brother. No way. The person he represented and resembles is “family” and like my “brother”, though. And apparently he is going to “graduate” in June.
For some reason I got grumpy about this information. Maybe because it is two months away? I began to mull over disconnecting completely from this spiritual path again. Like I did in 2007. Just a total break; a hiatus. Feelings of disappointment were hard to push away. The Ego-child emerged and threw her tantrum. She is very impatient and when what she Knows and wants do not happen fast enough, she gets grumpy.
As I was feeling these feelings parts of songs came into my mind and I lightened up as I acknowledged them. The first was part of the above song – “Don’t you remember….” This repeated over and over. Okay. No, I don’t (curse word) remember! Then later I heard, “You and me, we got this. You and me we’re beautiful, beautiful….We’re gonna be alright.”
When I heard this I fell into my heart space and took a deep breath. It can be so hard to trust and so hard to navigate this life. Time is a curse to the impatient (like me).
So to my “brother” – the last four days in June are significant. You will “graduate”.