I’ve been unable to fall asleep at night the past few nights. It has been taking me an hour at least. Last night I decided to use the time and meditate on the lotus like in the book by Gopi Krishna. When I did I saw the flower in my mind’s eye but then it burst into a purple light like it was on fire.
Unfortunately, I was unable to remain focused for long. My mind wanders and I end up in a dream sequence in the in-between. I need to practice it more because I think it would help me to keep my mind focused so that when the Kundalini hits I can focus through it like Gopi did.
I was choosing clothes for school. I woke early and selected a pair of light blue jeans and then began to put on shoes that resembled red pleather Allstars. The shoes laces took a long time to lace and one had over abundant laces (the left one) while the other had too much lace on the left and not enough on the right. I eventually gave up and took them off realizing I didn’t want to wear bright red shoes. I recall selecting pink socks and then putting on my black, short boots.
When I went to school it was a massively huge building and I remember relating it to a school I knew from my past which was known for gang activity and bullying. I entered the building and ran into other kids but kept to myself. I remember meeting a boy who resembled Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) when he was a teenager. The boy was very interested in me but I wanted nothing to do with him so I ignored him and turned my back on him.
Then I was walking toward the end of the building to my class. When I met my teacher he looked like the grown version of Fred Savage and again I rejected him. He felt to be super interested in me, his energy needy. I remember him showing me the project we had been working on. I picked up what looked like a firecracker, you know the big M80? I lit it and it began to light up and remained lit with sparks flying off of it. It never blew up but resembled a flare instead. I remember thinking of the M80s as “dynamite”. There were pairs of these fireworks lined up along the base of what looked like a tall, pyramid shaped object. It was black and resembled a volcano. Three pairs on the left and three pairs on the right following the triangular base. All of the six pairs were lit and sparking but I began to blow them out despite the man asking me not to. He was begging me to stop, putting his hands in the way to keep me from blowing them out. I remember being angry at him for his interference and placing blame.
Eventually I left and walked down a long, very clean, white hallway. I was talking to a woman about picking up my son and how tired I was but that I needed to get groceries after school/work. We stopped in front of a machine that scanned the woman I was with. I froze wondering what was going on. She told me it was an ATM machine and this was how it recognized whose account to withdraw funds from. I was fascinated but knew it only worked for set amounts, specifically for $20 bills.
We entered another hallway and the woman went on her way. I recognized a friend making photocopies. When I went up to her I dropped a box I had been carrying that was full of supplies. Something broke that was organic in nature.
When I woke I knew the firecrackers/dynamite represented the lighting of the Kundalini and the pairs were representative of the masculine and feminine. The Fred Savage looking guy was my masculine side. I recall him being chubby and this was a turn off for me. Then again, I don’t find Fred Savage particularly attractive anyway. lol
It appears there is a rejection of the masculine occurring in my currently. I’m not sure if my rejection of the firecrackers is positive or negative,though. It seems there is a rejection of the K energy. I don’t want it to rise like it has in the past. Perhaps I’ve had enough of its distraction?
Overall my dreams seem to indicate the potential for dramatic change fast approaching, a change I don’t want and am resisting.
Red – intense emotion, anger, passion, impulsiveness.
Shoes – my approach toward life. Changing my approach.
Shoelaces (tying) – preparing to move forward, take on a challenge.
Uneven shoelaces – the left is longer than the right, the feminine/masculine unbalanced, more focus on feminine.
Socks – flexibility, being more understanding of others and situations.
Dynamite – danger, a significant change is approaching and there may be a situation that blows up.
Volcano – unable to control emotions, if dormant then the emotions are under control but there is significant danger that it will erupt and be damaging and hurtful to others.
Pyramid – major changes will occur in short period of time.
ATM – desires for financial security.
Groceries – need for something in life, feeling something is missing.
There was a whole dream sequence about my mom buying a single wide mobile home and putting it in the front of her yard. It was specifically meant for my sister’s family because they are unable (unwilling IMO) to provide for themselves and their son. They use their son to manipulate others into helping them and use their felony records as excuses as to why they can’t keep up with their bills.
This dream is a reflection of what is currently going on and how I feel about it. I don’t want to visit my mom’s house anymore because it now is mixed with the energy of my sister’s family and her husband especially has erratic energy/mood. My mom’s home no longer feels like the sanctuary it once was to me. I also have feelings of anger toward my sister for taking advantage of my mom, making the choices she does, and purposefully asking for handouts rather than working for herself to earn a living.
As I was thinking of the situation, my guidance said to me, “How’s what she is doing different from what you are doing?” This put me in my place fast. I am choosing not to work and living off my husband. He is okay with providing for me. It is no different from my sister not working and my mom choosing to provide for her. Perfect example of how the judgments we make about others are really reflections of our own self-loathing. More contemplation will come from this I am sure.
Speaking of self-loathing, I had a vision of looking in the mirror at my reflection. I took a razor blade and began to cut my face purposefully. I made vertical cuts every inch or so until cuts covered my entire face. When it healed the scarring made my face looked striped. It resembled bars, like a jail cell. My reaction to this was just curiosity and there was a feeling of gratification which was odd, like I was making a work of art out of my face.