Dreams – Lost, Attacked and Reviewing Life Decisions

The geomagnetic storm continued through the night and is currently still in the yellow. Though I am not experiencing any physical symptoms – feeling super good actually – my sleep was majorly affected. We had a massive thunderstorm move through Central Texas last night around 2am. It sounded like a hurricane outside the winds were so high. I couldn’t get back to sleep after it woke me up and when I did I had weird, even scary, dreams that kept waking me up afterward.

Dream: Lost and Attacked

The dream began inside my old middle school, in a classroom that was my homeroom in 7th grade. There was a teacher who was also my peer telling me that she had to take a teaching job to pay off her $40k student debt. I was shocked that she had gotten so into debt from college. I counted myself blessed to have only had to pay off an $8k debt and told her about how my sister and her husband wracked up $30k in debt because they used the loans to live off of.

At some point the woman left and I sat in the teacher’s desk looking at books on a shelf behind it. One was a dream dictionary focusing specifically on anxiety dream symbolism. Curious, I flipped through the book and read through the examples of different anxiety dreams and how they manifested. One particular dream type associated with anxiety dreams were guide-led dreams where there was direct interaction and/or communication with one or more guides. I read it and said to my guidance, “Those kinds of dreams account for more than half of my dreams.” Then I thought about it and said to them, “But I’m not typically anxious, especially right now.”

I should have seen this reference as a clue of what was to come. Ha!

The next thing I know I am driving along city streets in my old SUV.  I hear a familiar song playing and the words, “Everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine.” Looking ahead I seem to know where I am going and am focused and reassured. However, the road soon begins to look unfamiliar to me. Did I miss my turn? I saw the road ended ahead of me. There was a barricade marked with a big red X. I didn’t know what else to do but keep going so I went into the parking lot the road ended at. It was the parking lot of a college campus I think, but it was very dark and no lights were on.

I park my car but am completely confused. I don’t know where I am and when I try to think about how I got there I can’t recall anything. It’s like my mind is wiped clean. I begin to walk toward one of the buildings but it is unfamiliar and this worries me. For a brief moment I am reassured that all will be okay. I have a car, and my phone….wait a minute, where is my phone? I look down at my purse and it is not there. I think, “I must have left it in the car.” Then I think, “Where is my car? I don’t remember where I parked it?” Then I stop and can’t figure out where I am or how I got where I am despite just being in the hallway of the college building I entered.

I remember being afraid that I was losing my mind. It seems that my memory is wiped clean every few minutes. I decide to head back to the parking lot to find my car but cannot recall how I got where I was inside the building and then panic that I won’t be able to get out.  I walk outside and look at the street sign. I think I am on 6th Street but the sign has another name I can’t even read. I panic again, look for my phone, see it is missing and then freak because I can’t recall where I parked my car.

Somehow I manage to make my way back to the parking lot but it is unfamiliar and not the one I think I parked my car in. I walked by several people. I am frantic. Nothing is familiar and my car is nowhere. I see the parking attendant who is shutting the lights off for the parking lot. I walk up to her in a panic saying, “I can’t find my car. I can’t remember how I got here. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.” I repeat this over and over like a crazy person. The attendant takes me by the elbow and walks with me saying, “It’s okay. I can help you.” People walking past look at me like I’m crazy or sick.

Then I am laying in bed in my old bedroom at my mom’s house. I am still panicked and I feel someone standing to my left. I can’t see them, they are like a shadow, but I sense them and can mentally see their outline. I try to move away from them by shifting to my right but they bend over and grab hold of me. This terrifies me and I keep trying to pull away but I can’t move. I feel frozen and still feel hands on me. The hands seem to be pushing, though, not pulling. I begin to feel the person is negative and try to recite the Lord’s Prayer for protection but I can’t remember it and forget it mid-way. I am reminded of my recent amnesia and begin to despair. What is happening to me? Why can’t I remember anything? A male voice says to me, “You said you wanted to never have to work again. Now you’ll have that.” Is he making a joke? I said, “I don’t want to be like this all the time!” I heard back, “It won’t be all the time, just every once in a while.” I was not having that either and tried to pull away again. The hands seemed heavier and my body was still frozen.

Then I thought, “Maybe this person is not bad. Maybe I should stop resisting.” I relaxed my body. The hands remained firmly upon me. I tried to move my body, willing it with every ounce of my being, but I was paralyzed. Then I thought, “Maybe this person is trying to wake me up?”

And I woke up, my body jerking as I willed it to move.

When I woke up I was a bit startled but unafraid. I could feel the energy of the person from my dream still on my left. I tried to communicate with him but got no response, yet I knew he was not bad. Then I felt there were three more beings huddled over me, really close. I said, “What is happening to me?” They said, “You are breaking.” I didn’t understand. They did not communicate anything else to me, just remained standing over me.

lostDream: Get Out!

I was watching my ex-husband getting into a flat bed semi-truck loaded with large logs/lumber. He was leaving and I was not going with him. What is strange is that a man put a rag into the gas tank opening and connected it to an open canister of diesel. I remember thinking he was crazy as it would surely blow up the truck.

There was a discussion with a woman then about my ex separating from his current wife. The woman said, “She will be leaving a good thing (meaning money) like you did. Don’t you regret losing that kind of security?” I thought about it and said, “No. You can buy and buy all you want but it won’t make you happy. I could have stayed and had all the money I ever wanted. I could have done lots of things with that money, but I wouldn’t have been happy. I would have been miserable, maybe even killed myself. It’s not worth it.” There was discussion about leaving my current husband and the drawbacks of it being similar. To be secure versus being happy. Which is better?

Then the scene shifted and I was inside a home standing in front of a bed. I saw two of my children in it and went to get them. My mother-in-law was there and got super angry at me and yelled at me, “Get out of here! I don’t want you in here. Get out!” I told her I was just trying to get my kids out of her space so she could get some sleep. She was furious and ranting and raving so I left. My husband came in and began to defend her and scolded me for purposefully trying to upset her. I felt all the negative energy and tried to get away from it.

When I woke up a song was going through my head – Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall. The part that kept repeating was, “Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be. Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me….She makes me feel like I could be a tower, a big strong tower. The power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah, yeah.”

Considerations

The first dream, although confusing and scary, did not cause me to wake in fear or panic. I suspect I experienced a bit of sleep paralysis. I was very lucid toward the end but couldn’t move my body. The person pushing me was likely trying to wake me up and I wonder if it was the OOB version of me doing it. Hmmm.

I was a bit concerned when I awoke but not freaking out. The message, “You are breaking” bothers me. I wonder if my guidance meant “break” or “brake”. Am I stopping hard, as in “brake”? Or is this some kind of “break” – as in malfunctioning or maybe a vacation? Not sure but it was a strange message.

I am certain I was confronting some of my fears. Fear of going crazy, fear of disassociation, mental issues such as amnesia or dementia. The memory loss was very real and upsetting. I would not want to experience it as my waking reality, that’s for sure! My main focus was on getting back home in the dream so I was probably also confronting my inability to get home (as in spiritual home) because of memory loss.

The second dream was odd and I suspect I was sorting through past decisions from this life. Lumber indicates a fresh start in life is needed. When I woke up I was thinking about my ex-husband and kicking myself for not agreeing to half of his retirement in the divorce agreement. lol As his first wife I could have claimed it but I chose not to because we were only married 5 years and I didn’t see how I deserved to get money he would be working 20+ years to earn. There is some regret at the loss of the income/security I left behind, but I did not love him and would have been miserable if I had stayed. Every time I consider that life decision I do not regret it.

I’m not sure what the song is all about. Perhaps I am seeing a version of myself that is strong and capable – the power to be, give and see?

 

 

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