Full moon dreams and messages from last night into this morning.
Dream: Stop Hiding
I found myself laying in bed with a man on my right. The covers were up over us. On the right of us was an elderly couple. On the left of us were two young, school aged children. There was a knowing that the man and I were to be in a pornographic movie. I felt guilt at this and was uncomfortable yet at the same time a part of me was okay with it and had agreed to do it. The man was talkative, trying to calm my nerves by asking me questions and cracking jokes. He was experienced while I was not.
The more comfortable he made me the more relaxed I became. We filmed the movie but most of it is lost to me, the sexual part anyway. I remember that the children and the elderly couple were watching, though, and that it bothered me. I also remember the cameras. Nothing was hidden despite us being under the covers. I recall an intimacy with my partner and afterward feeling that I would happily repeat the experience despite the guilt and feeling exposed.
Afterward I remember going home and being intimate with my husband. I was wracked with guilt over it and felt dirty.
Then I was talking with my partner from the film and taking a walk together. He was telling me about himself and asking me questions. I remember being acutely aware of my age and not wanting him to know how old I was. He appeared younger than me and very fit and attractive. I couldn’t understand why he would want to continue working with me when I was old and losing my physical beauty. I was happy and cheerful while with him and recall crawling into a giant dollhouse at one point and him saying, “What are you doing in there? You don’t fit!” He was right and I got right out wondering why I had done that and where the doll house came from.
Then we were laying on a green hillside. I think we were both completely naked, but I was mostly aware that he was. He looked like one of those Greek statues, very fit, muscular and lean. He was telling me how he felt he had failed at his art. I asked him what his art was and he said he danced. I asked, “What kind of dance?” I saw ballet. I smiled, impressed and told him so saying, “Oh! I like ballet!”. He still acted pensive and preoccupied. So I said, “Well I failed at being a singer, so you’re not alone.” There was a whole conversation here about art, choices and handling failure.
Then we went into a small, white room that had pictures hanging on the walls. They were all pictures from when I was in high school. There was a large picture of my best friend standing with her boyfriend at Homecoming and he pointed to them saying, “Is that them?” I said, “Yes, but don’t pay attention to these. They show my age.” I was acutely aware that several images had dates on them.
We continued to walk and talk for what seemed like a very long while. We could talk about anything and enjoyed one another’s company. He and I were to work together long-term. He was asking me questions about why I felt the need to hide my profession, our relationship and our work together. My answer came in the form of a dream within the dream.
Dream: Hide the Evidence
I went to my computer and began to type up my experiences in my journal. I was super charged with energy and extremely excited about the future with my partner (the man from above dream). I wrote about how he made me feel and my first on camera experience. It was very detailed. I also had the video of our experience together but can’t recall viewing it, just that it was there. Then I made sure to hide both my writing and the video away from my husband. I even went and cleared the computer history but after I would hide it, it would pop up on the main screen right in the center in bold lettering. I tried over and over to hide it and it kept reappearing. So my solution was the buy a laptop and hide the entire computer. I felt confident this would work and hid the laptop under the desk.
Dream: Our Work
My partner and I continued to talk, him asking me, “Why do you feel the need to hide? Why not just be yourself?” I remember feeling guilty, like I was bad and what I wanted was bad. I would be judged harshly if people knew. I equated the feelings of passion and aliveness I felt when I did my work with him as somehow wrong. This was based solely on what others thought, though, not on what I thought/felt.
The conversation shifted to him discussing our future work together. In this discussion we were floating over a crystal clear, flowing creek. I could see the rocks beneath the surface. It was no more than eight feet wide, maybe a little wider. My partner was explaining what the job entailed and what I would need to do, the characteristics I would need to have, to be successful at the job. I don’t remember all of what he said, I think because I did not doubt I had what it took. I do recall saying, “I can do that. I’m familiar with the Colorado (river).” There was a sense that this river was connected to the Colorado River. It felt like we were to follow it to its Source.
However, when he got to the last part of what he was saying I fixated on it. He said, “Sometimes the river floods.” He pointed to water standing in muddy puddles along the banks of the river. “You have to be willing to walk through the puddles to do this work.” I saw the puddles clearly and hesitated.
That’s when I woke up. I knew something major had occurred in dreamtime. It was all very vivid in my memory. Who was this man I was with? Was he a guide? No, it felt like my Companion Traveler.
As I reviewed the dream in my mind I shifted into the in-between. I was having a conversation with my partner in Spanish (why Spanish again!?). I instantly translated it to English, too. lol We were talking about Spring Break and how we were to meet on Friday. I remember laughing about the word Friday in Spanish (viernes). My high school Spanish teacher (an awesome lady) made a huge deal out of viernes, saying it meant “beer day”, so I joked that we would be having a beer on Friday. lol
I woke up with viernes in my head and knowing that I was receiving a message about this Friday (it’s Spring Break here). What will happen, I don’t know, but message received.
Song Message: I Believe in Angels
I fell into the in-between again as I was trying to make sense of my dream. I concluded that I was being confronted by my Companion Traveler. He was urging me to stop hiding from myself and others – to be my authentic Self. This means embracing those things I feel others judge as wrong such as my passion (sexuality) and mission (work). I am idealizing family life and avoiding problems (dollhouse). My partner feels he has failed to find balance in his life and relationships (ballet). I feel I have failed to find happiness, harmony and joy in my marriage (singing). We are both seeking a Homecoming, but I feel my tendency to follow old patterns and habits (age) is preventing it. The dream within a dream is a perfect example of how I hide my true self. He was explaining that I needed to connect the physical with the spiritual (Kundalini rising to Source). This I think was the symbolism of the river. We were following it to Source. This is our work and to succeed at it I can’t avoid my negative emotions and situations (muddy puddles).
I felt that my healing period was coming to and end soon. When it does, I will be asked to start moving forward and to stop hiding. This has been asked of me before without success. I am not sure I am ready to do it. I am told I will be when it is time.
This is when a song message came to me. I heard over and over, “I believe in angels…” It just kept repeating. I hadn’t heart the song in ages so had no idea what came after that part. When I looked up the lyrics the song made perfect sense as a message. If you look at the lyrics you will see there is a part that mirrors my dream.
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see.
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream.