A Step Towards Wholeness

I am noticing some changes in myself lately. Not just energetic, which there are plenty of, but also personality-wise.

Energetically it feels like my entire energy body is getting an overhaul. I have felt every.single.chakra on and off for the past week non-stop. Usually it is my heart, throat and solar plexus, but the others join in as well. My lower chakras were really beginning to become a physical issue because my stomach and digestive tract went completely haywire. I felt like I had the stomach flu without the nausea. Just icky, bloated, and crampy. I also had indigestion out of the blue. Thankfully this has all passed and seems to be back in balance. Earlier this week, while driving home, my third-eye turned on for no apparent reason and I began to feel like I was ten times larger than I normally am. Why does this stuff happen while I am driving?

Personality-wise I feel very balanced and centered almost all the time lately. I feel as if my guidance is pouring through me, like I am living my guidance…hard to put it into words. My heart has been central to this. It feels like my high heart especially has a role in this shift.

One of the things I have noticed is that I can tell when a major purge is about to occur. Today I recognized one is forthcoming. The Kundalini seems to go in like a scrub brush and scour the meridians and chakras until there is enough residue from the scouring that it needs to be flushed. Then the flush comes. Whoosh! One day this week I felt a shift in my energy body specifically, like my body, my energy, was speaking to me. Very interesting I must say.

Finally, there have been some instances of clarity that surprise me. For example, one night while spending some time with my husband I recognized that I am wanting something from him that he may not be able to give me or perhaps I am not able to allow – I’m not sure yet. I want to trust him, to be able to give of myself to him completely, but feel unable to do this because there is something in the way. Is it old programming on my part? His part? Both?

When I first recognized this feeling it was surprising to me and caught me off guard. After some time to digest it, I have come to realize it goes with the balancing of the masculine and feminine. What I felt was, in essence, the emergence of my feminine side and her desire to have a strong, masculine presence take action. This feeling manifested in a strong willingness to completely let go and submit to the masculine energy. Yet, in the face of my husband, I retreated from it because there was an identification of his inability to be this strong, decisive, action-oriented force in my life. Additionally, I withdrew because I am unable to fully trust myself to his care. Yet that is what I desired. I felt very much like a child eager to be guided by a parent. I was/am ready to receive, which for most of the life has not been my strong point.

Just in recognizing that my true nature is revealing itself has me emotional and I am not rejecting of it in myself. The feminine is about receptivity and surrender, about creativity, intuition, patience and allowance. The fact that I desire to be this and that I am looking to receive what a masculine energy has to offer is a relief to me. In itself, this development indicates that I am changing, I am becoming more balanced and I am shifting into Wholeness.

As time passes, the desire to have this balance in my life remains. I have touched on a part of myself that has been in hiding a long time. I was raised to be both the man and the woman in my life, to never trust a man. So, I have never truly allowed myself to receive and fully surrender to a man because of a fear that if I do, I will be taken advantage of, hurt, or worse. This is most apparent during intimate moments with men in my life. So it is fitting that such a moment would show me with great clarity what I have been missing.

What does this mean for me? I’m told it is a step towards total integration. Prior to this point in my life, I think I would have been freaked out by such a “weak” reaction in myself. Just being able to recognize and embrace my reaction is an accomplishment for me. Now, if only I could take the plunge and truly surrender.

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