This week has been riddled nightly with vivid and intensely emotional dreams. My days are “normal” with a bit of a numb feeling. But at night it’s like I am being hit from all sides. This one was from this morning. From what I can gather, there is some major clearing going on that goes beyond my individual clearing.
Dream: Weight of the World
Felt to be on a vessel of some sort. I was transferred to another one.
Then I was in a house with a group of people. We were putting up food. Lettuce was being put away. My food was open. I asked another person if they wanted some of my peas telling them I would pack them frozen and when they thawed they were perfect for eating. Then I went to the fridge and got out eggs. One split in half. It was frozen.
The others in the house were preparing to leave. 6 of us would stay. I remember discussing how we would live together in a sustainable community. We talked about solar power and I perked up, discussing how if we disconnected from the power grid when it failed we would be able to maintain our power as a group.
The scene shifted and I was floating along a road. I took a road and saw it went parallel to the main one. There was trash and beer cans indicating a party had been there the night before. I stopped at a church and ran into two women. One women was huffy and angry. She asked about a woman and a man. I told her they were in the hospital. I saw the woman in my mind sitting by the bed of a very sick man. He looked almost like someone with AIDS. There was such love between the two of them and I felt every bit of it. I mentioned to her that he was still sick and she said, “Then there is no point in picking her up, then.” She got very angry and walked away. The other woman talked to me for a bit about the woman having great potential, talking about how she was as a child and mentioning how good she would have been as an actress.
I turned and saw groups of people walking through the church. They looked to be in a parade. The main group I watched was all dressed in light blue scrubs, like they were all nurses. They were singing, “I’ve got guns in my head and they won’t go…..” When I saw them I filled with huge amounts of grief. It welled up from within, splitting my heart in two with such pain I could not breathe. They continued to sing, “I’ll be a dreamer ’til the day I die…” and the grief became super intense. I began to sob uncontrollably, the pain was so much that I didn’t know if I would survive it. As I began to gain consciousness I heard, “Autism” and I felt huge amounts of sorrow for everyone in the world who was struggling and feeling trapped in the human condition.
I woke in heaving sobs, my heart hurting so badly I did not know what to do about it. I couldn’t breathe for the crying and my throat felt like it would explode. It seemed like I was purging the heaviness of the world – all of the sorrow, grief, despair and pain of millions upon millions of people. I told my guidance the pain would surely kill me.
I went into the in-between and heard, “Be a manager. We will help you.”
As I have been able to do since this onslaught began, I easily adjusted and went about my day as if all was “normal”. This afternoon, near the front of my car, I saw at my feet a small butterfly on the ground. He was very obviously struggling so I reached down and offered him my finger. He grabbed on and I carried him into my car. He traveled with me all the way home, slowly recovering from the colder temperatures that came in today. I took him inside, hoping he would completely recover but knowing I could not let him go and that ultimately he would die.
My youngest was fascinated with him and fiercely protected him from my other two children, shielding him with his entire body to make sure no one touched him or hurt him. Unfortunately, the poor butterfly died despite all his protection. He was just too weak.
The butterfly I found was a Buckeye Butterfly. Such a magnificent creature. So fragile and beautiful. Unfortunately, I am not sure his message is a positive one. Ending of a cycle perhaps? Or maybe something else.
I feel exhausted today. It is like all my inner strength has been sucked away. I would like a reprieve from this crazy emotional purging.