Yet another post from my WP break. I’m being led to re-read these old posts and share them. Interestingly, my third-eye and crown chakras are active after a very, very long break. This one is from April 25, 2016.
Heart Bliss vs. Heart Fire
I couldn’t sleep last night. My heart, third-eye, and crown were alive with energy and so was I. lol My mind was also in overdrive. I’m not sure why I am thinking so much! I hear my guidance telling me, “You have a lot to say, so say it!” lol They are encouraging me to “speak my Truth” yet I’m not quite sure what that is. I suppose, though, that it will come to me.
Even now there is so much I want to write about but I don’t know exactly where to start. SO much flowing through my heart and mind.
I guess I will start with the heart energy. There are distinctly two kinds I am feeling. This was not so evident before, but now I have a sense of it. There is my favorite kind, which I will call heart bliss. Then there is the other kind which I will call heart fire. The main difference is former feels amazingly beautiful, expansive, and all-encompassing while the latter feels like an intense, deep, burning that splits my heart in two and courses straight through my back like someone has stabbed me.
I have no issue with the heart bliss. Bring it on! lol The heart fire, on the other hand, is quite unsettling at times and there is a rejection of it when it is at its worst. Most of the time the heart fire just sits there as if to remind me I have shit to work on. For five days now I have had the heart fire as an almost constant. In contrast the heart bliss was fleeting, only lasting a bit longer than the lucid dream in which I contacted it.
Since my most recent encounter with Steven and the amazing heart bliss, I have been different. Each dose of heart bliss seems to push me to the next level. Level of what, I’m not sure, but afterward all I can think of is getting more of that heart bliss. Lately my mind is on the latest heart bliss episode and seeing Steven sitting there across from me in that hot tub smiling. The recognition and knowingness along with the amazing feeling makes me want to return and stay there and never leave. I had not seen Steven look like he did in that experience since an unexpected OBE in 2004 where I met him and he looked like that.
Seeing him and feeling Steven this time brought about an inspection of his energy and the energy of my physical counterpart. They feel identical and it is very confusing to me! How this is possible, I don’t know, but I know it is purposeful.
In considering the energy similarity – match may be more appropriate – memories surfaced about when I first met Steven.
His energy scared the shit out of me. I mean literally repelled me. I couldn’t run from it because he wasn’t physically present, so I just pushed him away and spoke instead to a female guide. Later, when he came to me his energy – he – was huge again and I was scared but fascinated at the same time. He made me feel special and loved and I was drawn to him despite being afraid. As our relationship grew, I fell in love with him. From what I could tell at the time, being in love with a guide was not a “normal” thing, so I hid it from people who knew me. I worried I was going crazy and making up a relationship with an imaginary lover and so this meant I was messed up in the head. In fact, I judged myself quite harshly for this “fault”. I was constantly conversing with him throughout the day and he was also with me in my dreams and OBEs. He was a constant presence in my life.
My fear eventually got the better of me and I got in so deep into the “fantasy world” I was in (this was my reasoning at the time anyway) that when I was asked by Steven to “merge” and agreed, the things that happened after were too much. The spontaneous past life memories were intense and the OBEs even more so. Yet I wanted more so kept asking for more. I remember getting so impatient that I told Steven, “I want to know it all” and one night I got what I asked for. This was not in an OBE, this was while wide awake. I am not sure what happened exactly but suddenly memory upon memory upon memory of past lives hit me all at once. It was too much for me to mentally process and I must have cried for most of the night. I remember rocking back and forth, wrapping my arms around myself for comfort as I sat on the front driveway in the middle of the night. I can still see the clear night sky dotted with stars in my memory as if it is happening right now.
The memories wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to make them stop. I begged Steven to make it to stop. It finally did but I was in shock afterward, like on the brink of insanity.
After that I told Steven to go away. He backed way off and gave me space and eventually I stopped feeling him/hearing him. I must have grieved for an entire year – maybe longer – after that. I just wanted to die and go Home. That was all I could think about. That is when my Dark Night hit me hard, too.
Steven slowly shifted back into my life over many years. And then it was back to “merging” and him asking me permission to do so. I now know he had to have my permission, but of course I would give it to him. There is nothing I would not do for him and at least now I don’t feel ashamed or crazy to say that. I understand who he is now. Finally! I must be completely dense to go as many years as I have with our connection and not connect the dots. Duh! But then I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to.
Spiritual Merge – Physical Merge
As my heart fire was ripping through my chest last night and my mind was going a thousand miles an hour in all directions, somehow knowingness got through to me. I heard Steven whispering to me. Anyway, he asks me to focus on my physical counterpart. He does this a lot and it use to drive me crazy but now not so much. It is like slowly information has trickled down into my conscious mind in bits and pieces and is settling in putting the puzzle together piece by piece
What he tells me is that while I am merging with him at a spiritual level, this in itself is not enough. There is a missing piece – the physical. Steven is not able to merge with me completely because he is not physically present. Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine the power of such a merge and just thinking of the possibility of it makes me want to die. lol In fact, Steven told me this morning, “You have not really seen me yet. When you do, you will die a thousand deaths.” I did not take this as a bad thing either. I would love to die a thousands deaths. lol After feeling what I have felt there is a longing to die in this way. Completely.
But back to the topic. I can’t get distracted by the heart bliss even though it is all I think about. lol The physical merge is a necessity for a complete merge into Wholeness. I am still not completely sure what Wholeness means or looks like, though. I also don’t know what it means to merge at the physical level.
With this, I kind of disengaged. I am not sure I am ready to hear what a merge in the physical entails. I think this is because I am still afraid to accept all the feelings I am having. The confusion between their energy is making all this very difficult to process. But then I am hearing now that processing is not productive. It is best to think of their energy as the same energy for it IS intended to be as such.
Of course my mind immediately wants to take over and this is where it gets hard to shut it up. All these “what if’s” come into play and the heart fire doesn’t help.
Thankfully, I have done a SHITLOAD of work with Steven already. So much in fact that he is telling me, “We are very close.” I am shown 40 again as a very big year for me/us. The way I understand it, Steven has already ascended. A while ago. And has been helping me ever since. I won’t say he is more advanced but he has finished and is focused on getting me to the finish line now. Once I finish, we will “regroup” in Spirit and then split off from each other again to make our individual journeys. We have done this many, many times. This particular merge is not the same as the one I am working on with him presently, though it is intricately connected.
And I wonder about the intense feelings, heart bliss and fire, and how long it will last. The feeling I get in return is that it will not ever really go away. Thankfully I am at the point of acceptance now. Just let it in.