I went to bed early feeling very conflicted yet again. My heart was painful – shooting pains straight to the center. It started to make me worry that I may have a heart issue. Of course, as soon as I began to worry the pain stopped.
Dream: Dead Babies
I had a very odd dream in which I was with a family. There was a young man with dark hair who I recall knowing since he was a boy. He was all grown up and was being given his old horse back. I remember seeing the horse and thinking it didn’t have much life left in it. Then a young, blonde girl who was in her early teens entered the scene and the feeling was that she and the man were to be married. There was some upset, though, and the church was having to deal with massive flooding in L.A. The flooding was so bad that it flooded the crypts of a church and tons of bodies were floating about in the murky water, the bodies of babies. I saw them piled up, one on top of the other. They all looked perfectly preserved, eyes open and naked like little cherub dolls. I was horrified in the dream and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The pile was as tall as a person! They explained that there would be more bodies and that these needed to be buried. I went to help, touching one of the babies whose eyes stared at me blankly. I remember wanting to chop them into little pieces, to destroy them. It was disturbing.
When I woke up it was 5am and I was very upset by the dream, feeling it indicated that my dreams and hopes for the future were “dead”. I agonized over it for a while, feeling unable to pull myself out of the despair. I saw each dead baby as a dream that would never come to fruition. Interestingly, when I looked it the symbolism, dead babies symbolizes the end of something that was once a part of me. What that something it is, I don’t know for sure, but it upset me.
Semi-Lucid Dream: Review
Somehow I fell back to sleep and entered into yet another dream scenario. In it I was in a car with one of my ex-boyfriends. I remember being happy to see him and feeling attracted to him, wanting to stay close to him. It was not a sexual attraction, just a desire to be close. We drove to a restaurant with our friends and went to get food from the buffet line. I went with him and watched as he ordered a salad. I ordered fried fish and began to return to the table.
Only I didn’t go to the table, instead I got back in my car and drove back toward my old house along the familiar route I took more times than I can count. I was going very, very fast and feeling pretty happy. I turned the corner and saw a dark haired man on a bicycle in front of me. He was pedaling as fast as I was driving but I was catching up quickly. I swerved and then turned around to avoid him but he turned and followed me. Both of us were extremely thrilled to be flying down the hill.
Then I saw a huge, black semi-truck barreling down the road toward me. I went into the ditch to avoid it and saw it as it flew by. It was so black that I couldn’t make out any identifying features other than the grill on the front. It was like someone had covered it in soot. It was almost imperceptible and I remember thinking it should have its headlights on.
I continued on the road and as I did I began to see images and memories of men who I had been in relationships with. These men, however, were men who had wronged me in some way, who had rejected, cheated or lied to me. There was so much information and memory all at once that it was like a life review of some sort. I remembered being “wronged” by these men and how it felt, how it tore at my heart but how I blocked ever feeling the pain and instead grew angry and resentful of them. I was reminded that I am not impervious to pain; that even if I don’t allow myself to feel and process the pain, that it is there nonetheless and needs to be confronted. I had a full-on memory of a dream encounter with one of my ex’s. The dream in it’s entirety was relived. This particular ex kissed another woman in a bar and told me about it and I ended it straight away. He later emailed me to see if what we had could be rekindled, apologizing for his behavior and leaving an opening for something to develop. I sent him a pic of my family and he got angry and critical saying to me, “Oh you fell for that bullshit” – meaning the whole get married and have kids scenario. I also remembered the ex who was married and how he was awful with communication, often going weeks without any contact. How he promised things but never fulfilled those promises and then how he expected me to just fall into his arms after months of no contact.
All the time I was re-experiencing these memories I was floating above the road I traveled countless times to my old childhood home and the country home I sold in 2014. I became lucid toward the end of this and told my guides, “I want to go back.” “Back” meaning to the scene at the restaurant. As soon as I said this I saw the scene in front of me shift and the road and surrounding trees morphed into a beautiful green slide that I went down, closing my eyes and allowing the fall to take me where it would.
I found myself in the buffet line again and went and sat down. I sat next to my ex and there was recognition that all the times I had felt an intense attraction or draw to a man that I had been hurt or rejected. This was not to remind me that it would happen again but to remind me of the impact it had on me. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
Then I was very aware of being in my bed and hearing my daughter in the room. I talked to her, telling her it was okay, that she didn’t wake me. I knew I was dreaming but I had this overwhelming exhaustion that made it difficult to take charge of my dream and go OOB. Instead, I just allowed the dream scene and then woke up not long after.
When I woke up I felt 100% better than I did when I had fallen asleep at 5am. I am not sure why that is because the dream itself indicated I have issues with rejection that have not been addressed. The song “The Words” was going through my head again – “And I know, the scariest part is letting go, cause love is a ghost you can’t control….” I am a bit tired of hearing that song. What am I letting go of?
Upon waking I felt much more heart centered and there were 12 guides around me. They said, “We are helping you.” I accepted this but there was a lot going through my mind and I kept slipping into the in-between. There was a vision of a cell phone that was completely black except the bottom which flashed 11:11. Then I had a flash of taking a pink hand towel and putting it on a towel rack in the garage. There was a short lucid dream in which I was asked for Tums and I handed the bottle to someone and heard myself say, “Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb…” like in the commercial. Finally, there was a sentence that woke me up completely. A male voice said, “We are rapists of ideology.” That sentence woke me up. It is still bothering me because of its profundity.
Physically I have been feeling ill/lethargic. I am having digestive/stomach issues, heart pain, throat pain and headaches. Whatever I am clearing is BIG and I hope that it is over soon.