I’ve been having this strange feeling that I am missing something, something that should be obvious. Kind of like I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. The feeling has been nagging me for over a week now. I hate being nagged!
In considering this feeling, I am reminded of the worst part of my Dark Night in 2005. What is happening now that corresponds to what happened then?
There are major difference, of course. I was unemployed in 2005 time and had hit rock bottom. Though I am unemployed now, it is by choice and I am by no means near rock bottom. The depression in 2005 was the worst ever. It seemed I never stopped crying and no path, no option seemed attractive to me. So I stayed stuck and dug myself deeper into the pit of despair. Currently, I would not call what I am experiencing as depression. It is melancholy sometimes and definitely lack of motivation, but nothing like what I experienced in 2005.
The similarities are that I am resisting movement toward a certain path. Back then, it was the path away from my spiritual calling and it infuriated me that I would be asked to go back to teaching. I refused and as long as I did so, I was miserable. I had episodes that scared the bejesus out of me as well. So much that I ended up seeking out a psychiatrist who said I was having psychotic breaks and was Bipolar (lol). Thankfully, now the resistance is not manifesting so traumatically. Plus, the movement is back toward a spiritual path. I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. Instead, I am resisting. I’m super suspicious, wondering if my guidance is leading me down the rabbit hole once again. Been there, done that, don’t wanna go back to that if I can avoid it. Back then I called it “delusions of grandeur”. haha
The primary difference between now and then is that this time my heart is online. It is strikingly obvious to me, though, that my reaction to the coming change in direction of my life is almost identical. I’m afraid of change. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of failure. Afraid to believe that maybe, just maybe I will get what I’ve always wanted. Huh?
I read recently that astrologically, this year corresponds to 2006. The life issues and lessons you did not successfully learn or that still need some learning will come up for re-inspection. I suspect this is why memories of the Fall of 2005 are returning to me. It’s a heads up. Hey, you, looks like you didn’t finish this there issue. Time to pay the piper. lol
2006 was a pretty good year. I reluctantly (more like forced to) followed my guidance and got a teaching job, relocated, lived on my own and began to rebuild my life. I learned that I enjoyed being single (hey hey!) and after multiple lame relationships decided I didn’t need anyone but myself. No more men. No more BS. lol And I integrated the spiritual back into my life despite the fact that I had been led to discard it. I recognized that just because I was being led to work a mundane job did not mean I had to stop being spiritual or doing what I enjoyed.
I wouldn’t say I had beaten the Dark Night but in 2006 I was definitely emerging back into the light. Finding my footing. Reconnecting with mySelf. By that December I was in my own Power more than any other time in my life. Pretty awesome, huh?
So it has me wondering, what exactly am I needing to tweak from 2005-2006? Obviously, there is the “follow your heart” message. Got that one loud and clear. In 2005 it nearly drowned me to resist where I was being led. Damn I am stubborn. lol
The being alone, being at peace with aloneness lesson was well-learned. In fact, I would love to learn that one again. Meaning? Probably not a lesson this time around. Ha! Thinking it may be a lesson in reverse considering I have been in cave mode so long. How many people and energies does it take to break me? One? Hahaha
And the “done with men” lesson? Hmmm Not sure there. Maybe still needs some tweaking. lol In looking at it more carefully, though, I think that lesson was more standing in my own power and not thinking I somehow needed a man in my life. Feeling I do need to revisit that one. I just need to remember what my own Power feels like and not give it away so willingly. (OMG thinking I will cry now that I am re-reading this part)
The other lesson is balance. Balancing the spiritual and mundane in my life, specifically career-wise. It CAN be done. I did it. Successfully. Had I not met my now husband in 2007 I would probably have continued to do it successfully. I suspect my spiritual business would have made the same or more money as my teaching job back then had I continued with it. Instead, I chose to dump it altogether. The idea of starting a family won out over my spiritual goals and aspirations. At the time, it seemed to be the path I was suppose to take and I have no doubt it was now. And yeah, I chose to go all-out 3D. Sucker! 🙂
So there is likely a return to that lesson coming as well. Hmmm. And there was with that a taste of the unexpected. The universe brought to me what I needed and I didn’t even know I needed/wanted it.
I also learned that when you don’t resist the path you are meant to be on, the universe provides in abundance. When I accepted I was to return to teaching I was offered work without even having to put forth much effort. It actually irritated me back then because, well, I didn’t want to be on that path. lol
Okay, well I think that is it but maybe more will reveal itself in time. A lot happened in 2006. I grew exponentially – by leaps upon leaps and bounds. Perhaps remembering this is to give me strength for the coming year. Remember I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and thrived despite myself, so I can do it again if need be. <—–BINGO.