The lack of motivation continues. In considering it further, I realize that I have been feeling this lack for some time. Months, years even. It is intricately linked to my dislike of being in this world, of participating in life. I struggle to find things that make me smile. Daily I search for them, hoping for a brief reprieve in this drudgery. Thankfully I am surrounded by my children and my youngest is a great source of joy. He is walking, talking, babbling joy.
Right now we all are in an integration stage, preparing for the next step or whatever you want to call. A friend of mine said it perfectly: Integration is being stuck on third base (I don’t know) until CONFIRMATION comes to the plate and drives you Home.
My dreams were indicative of my struggle with finding the motivation to move forward, to take the steps I need to take. When I awoke I heard my guides say, “We will give you incentives.” Hmmm. Intriguing.
Dream: In High School Again
Once again I found myself in the all-too-familiar dreamscape of high school. I was a student in a present-day high school taking all the courses I had already taken and blending in with the students there. I remember at one point getting a math assignment and feeling fed up with such assignments. I already knew how to do this level of math. It was 9th grade math. I was way beyond 9th grade – miles above it.
A fellow student gave me the last bunch of math problems – simple algebraic equations. I took the paper, sighed and rolled my eyes. The student asked me if I could do them. I said, “Of course, I can. I can do all of it. It is just tedious and time consuming.” In my mind I thought of how long it would take to solve each problem and just considering it made me tired.
I continued to talk to the student and others gathered around to listen to me. I remember telling the student my secret: I graduated high school already. Years ago. They asked how long ago and I said, “Well I graduated in 1994, so more than 20 years now.” They all gasped. lol In the dream I looked/felt young like them so I had no issue with being so old, but now I laugh because damn, I’m old now! lol
A young girl and I walked through the school together talking. She was African American with beautiful, shoulder length curls that hung in ringlets around her face. Exactly the way I wish I looked in this lifetime. We were going to a part of the school we were not allowed to go and I was excited to be doing something different. I remember we got to an area where there was a large bed and living area. Sitting at a desk was an dark complected teacher. She allowed us to leave and we exited the scene.
Dream: Water Park Prison
I was working at a water park. It was early in the morning and the water had not been turned on yet. I told some waiting children that the water would be on soon. I told them to watch the massive blue slides for signs of water turning on. When it did, the children were allowed to slide on them and for a moment I was one of those children, joyfully sliding down the slides.
I remember being at the front desk with others and offering to help. For some reason I ended up playing the role of waitress or servant, bringing drinks. It was like the front desk area turned into a restaurant. Interestingly, helping made me feel useful and needed so I found enjoyment in it.
Then I was inside a county jail that reminded me of a school except it was most definitely set up to imprison its occupants. I was there to visit a young Hispanic man. I remember that an older woman was with me and was helping me to get in since I was not suppose to be there visiting him. I remember little about our meeting now, but I do recall meeting with him. He was in the middle of eating his dinner but it was too early for dinner – around 4:30pm – and I apologized for interrupting it. He kept his head down and wouldn’t look at me, but my message to him was that I was there to get him out. He would be released soon.
In considering these dreams, it is obvious to me that I feel imprisoned in this Earth experience. Life is a drudgery. It isn’t a challenge anymore – or at least not a challenge that I find worthwhile. The problems I have I feel I can solve easily but I don’t see the point. If I have already graduated, what am I doing here still? I look at the math problems and feel as if all desire to live is sucked completely out of me. And I do feel I CAN solve them without issue, but the idea of taking the time to do so is exhausting.
The second dream is interesting. I think someone was trying to get me to see the fun that can be found in this “game”. Emotions (water) can be something exhilarating (water slide). One doesn’t have to drown in them. And the waitress part I think was me being shown that I found enjoyment in being of service – which I do.
The prison scene appears to be them showing me that I could help free others from the “prison-school”. Who it was I was visiting, I’m not sure, but I suspect it was someone who I felt I could help.
With that, I will add that I have been feeling a huge loss. The feeling of ALIVEness that came with the heart connection and kundalini episodes of the past 6 months is now gone. I feel it has been unfairly taken from me and without it, I don’t see anything ahead of me but a bleak, uninteresting life. It seems always to happen this way for me. I am given a gift and then it is snatched away from me or I lose interest in it because it is no longer new. Similar to how a child plays with a new toy for a day or two and then it ends up under their bed, forgotten, and they seek out another new toy to play with. That’s me. Easily bored. Always wanting something new and exciting and without it sulking in the corner until I get what I want.