As always, just when I think I’ve gone back to “normal”, something happens to shake things up.
It began with me feeling a strange energy shift yesterday which made me feel a bit melancholy. I requested help prior to sleep, asking my guidance what, if anything, I should do. I was told I would astral project but I responded that I was not really interested in projecting.
I entered a semi-lucid dream in which I was a guest at a luncheon with many friends and acquaintances. The house was quaint and reminded me of a country cottage. There was a long table dressed with a white tablecloth in the center of a country-style kitchen. Sitting at the table was approximately five or six people, couples mostly.
The wooden floors creaked as I approached the table. I was introduced to a woman who was familiar from recent dream. She had dark, curly, shoulder-length hair and fair skin. When we were introduced I became dizzy, which was odd. My entire head began to spin and within the dream I recognized why. I knew this woman and her partner. There was a brief memory of Russia being involved in this exchange of information. A past life perhaps? IDK but it triggered a dizzy spell within the dream experience.
Then I was interacting with this woman’s partner. I never quite saw him clearly, which is weird. He was young, I know that, and I believe he also had fair skin but still I struggle to recall his exact appearance. He came up to me and there was a huge inrush of attraction and energy that hit me square in the heart and shot down through to my root chakra. He moved in very close to me and there was a knowingness that his intentions were to be with me despite having a partner. He hooked his arm around mine and led me to the opposite side of the room. He kept brushing my chest purposefully. I recall that I was wearing a corseted blue dress. My reaction to this was to pull away out of fear that someone would see us. I remember a man glancing in our direction and the word “scandal” came to mind.
Then we were outside of the cottage on the edge of a large, green meadow. There were very tall trees that towered over us and a cool breeze. I leaned up against one of the trees, its bark was white like an aspen. The man was with me and he was embracing me and there was such a glorious feeling in this. My heart was so full that I could not breathe. I recall him asking me if I would run off to Montana with him. I wanted to. Badly. Yet I kept having this awful feeling of dread and my emotions were conflicted to the point of torture. What about his partner? I couldn’t do that to her. I was ashamed that I wanted to.
I don’t recall making out or doing anything sexual with this man. At one point, though, my breasts were exposed and I was encouraging him by saying, “They are all outside”. Obviously, the dream had shifted back to inside the cottage. The man said, “No, they are just there” pointing to the doors. I became frozen with fear at this point and a bit paranoid. The energy was still pummeling me from my chest to my toes. I was overcome by it. I wanted to completely succumb to it yet at the same time I was paralyzed by it.
At this point the man and everyone else disappeared. I was alone in the cottage searching for a broom and dustpan. My entire focus was to sweep up some spilled cereal that had gotten underneath the cabinets. At the back of my mind the entire time was the man and what he represented. I wanted nothing to do with any of it.
I woke up gradually and without much memory of the dream at first. However, someone was still speaking to me and encouraging me to remember. I was asked to focus on what I felt. When I did this I felt the surge of energy in my heart chakra and an inability to breathe through it. I shut it down as quickly as I could but at the same time I did not want the feeling to stop. It is the most spectacular feeling yet when I have it I feel so much dread, as if I will die or something horrible will happen if I allow it. I want desperately to get away from the feeling.
Within moments of all of this, I realized my “running” was true. I was absolutely terrified and in that moment all I felt was a paralyzing terror. The heart sensation was muted and I wanted to feel it but I also wanted to run as far away from it as I could get. To want something so desperately but at the same time feel absolute terror and dread for that very thing is a VERY conflicting situation to be in. I HATE IT!
The dream began to hit me in full and the woman and the dizzy feeling was very pronounced. I literally began to lose consciousness in the dream and could almost contact the feeling right then and there while recalling it. I knew there was a past life connection there somewhere. It was linked to Russia and in recalling the dream I remember hearing someone speak with a Russian accent. In my mind a scenario began to play out. Couple immigrates from Russia. Man meets me and we are caught up in a scandalous romance. He begs me to run off with him to Montana.
I immediately tossed it from my mind, though. I couldn’t handle it. No more past lives! No more of any of this!
I felt so much dread and a pure panic. My mind was going a million miles an hour but the thoughts were muddled and nothing made sense. The main thoughts that I had were that that wonderful feeling = really horribly bad stuff. lol
As I calmed and listened to my guidance I understood that the Kundalini was in a sense forcing these issues to the surface. I have so much fear associated with this particular kind of love but I desperately want to experience it. I was reminded that this love is okay and I am not “bad” for feeling it. Despite this I could not help but feel “bad”. I felt awful. I felt like a whore. A slut. Completely degraded. WTF?
I fell back to sleep hearing my guide tell me, “You will project”. He was correct. But it was a brief projection. Almost immediately upon returning to sleep I woke up from within a dream and said, “I’m OUT! I’m OUT!” over and over. “Out” meaning OOB. I disconnected from my dream-self, turned around and forcefully said to her, “I’m OUT!!!” As I did, I literally pushed her away from me but the sensation was the opposite of what I expected. I felt myself pulled with intense force back into her. For what seemed like an eternity I pushed and pushed with all my might to get away from her. I was “out” but couldn’t detach completely. And in focusing so much on trying to get out I began to hold my breath. Imagine pushing on something, like a heavy dresser, and how you bear down, holding your breath as you push with all your might. This is what I did to the point that I felt my physical body screaming for air. The sensation of breathlessness was the last straw and my physical body sucked me back with such force that my energy was very strange and I felt somewhat disoriented. I yelled at my guides, “I want OUT and I don’t want to ever go back!” I heard in reply, “Foolish girl”. LOL Now that just made me angry and I said, “If it is possible I will figure out how to do it.”
I drifted back to sleep briefly and when I awoke I felt much more settled. My heart was no longer blazing but my entire midsection was sore. I am sure I gave my solar plexus quite a workout. lol
The struggle I am going through is not fun. I honestly don’t know how to embrace the feeling that I obviously want to embrace despite the fear it triggers. I know I need to confront the fear head-on but I don’t know how. There is such an exhaustion related to this struggle now. I wish I had never contacted the feeling now, but then I can’t go back, can I? Obviously, in my past lives, I have felt the feeling and been overcome by it, making some really stupid decisions and then blaming myself, degrading myself, beating myself up for it. There is a sense that I would die for the feeling, and I guess I have several times. LOL I can laugh now, but then the energetic impact, the “soul damage” that has been done is painfully obvious. I relate the feelings with being “bad” or “bad” things. The judgement is severe. Sigh. Yet I know I will get past it. The only way out is through.