Life Review Panel

After several days of being in a strange calm and having this other aspect (walk-in) in primary control, I am finally being allowed to express to you all what is happening. It is not that I was being commanded to be quiet. This isn’t it at all. It is more like I needed to Be quiet in order to Allow, Reflect and Process.

Even now, though, it is hard to be in the forefront of my own mind. I begin to type and my mind freezes; blanks out. I feel I am not suppose to go too deep into my side of this journey; that there are certain limitations to be upheld. Even those last few words weren’t mine, yet they came from me. I can’t figure out how it is possible for such a thing to happen and just considering it causes me concern. Too much of my Christian upbringing interferes with my logic. It is like I panic and think, “I’ve been possessed!” Yet I know this is total nonsense.

You can see how completely insane this all sounds.

What I am allowed (I hate using that word) to communicate is what happened this morning. So that I will do.

Life Review Panel

When I woke up this morning I knew I had been in a discussion with my Panel, though the word panel was confusing to me. I had only ever heard Council so I knew this was something altogether different. I saw the Panel in front of me as I tried to get my bearings. It was just a flash of memory but then something about that flash brought on everything we had been discussing all at once.

Tears began to pour out of my eyes.

Memories followed. Memories mostly from my childhood. So many memories that I cannot remember them all in the order they were reviewed. It is like pictures of a photo album flipping page to page so fast I cannot keep track.

I grabbed hold of a belief/decision I came to long ago. The decision/belief was, “Nothing good ever lasts”. There were other similar ones like,”I must reject others before they reject me,” and “When I’m happy I get hurt.”

Memories (in no particular order)

I remembered when I was very young, maybe 4 or 5. My mom was laying in her bed and opened her arms up to me inviting me to snuggle. I hesitated. In my mind I remembered receiving both love and hate from her. The feeling she sent me was never consistent and the hate/anger she sent was so unbearable and in direct opposition to the feeling of love. It hurt. I decided then and there never to accept love from her again. I told her, “No” and when she reached out lovingly and hugged me close, I pushed her away.

Then came all the memories from the divorce. Oh I hate those memories! Mom telling me bad things about my dad. Dad telling me bad things about my mom. Mom probing me for answers after I would visit my dad. Me in tears every time I had to go on weekend visits with my Dad. Dad breaking into our house and stealing from us, from me. Dad telling me he would not take me home.  I was so terrified I would never get home that I memorized the 1 hour trip to my Dad’s and was able to show my mom how to get there when she couldn’t find him. Only a traumatized child could do something like that.

I remember crazy energy and emotions bombarding me all the time. No one ever told me what was going on. No one helped me understand. That is when I started begging God to let me die. I thought over and over, “I wish I were dead.” These thoughts have never really gone away completely, either.

As any child under similar circumstances would do, I began to act out. I got more spankings than I can count and was so defiant I  would laugh at my mom when she spanked me despite the pain. I didn’t want her to win.

I remember my mom being so fed up with me that she started threatening to take me to an orphanage. She even showed me a flyer about a boarding school for girls. In one instance, on a road trip to Houston, she stopped on the side of the road and made me get out of the car telling me she would call the orphanage to come get me. Talk about traumatizing! I really thought she was going to leave me there.

It’s not like I was a good little girl, though. I was awful, really. I did awful things. I thought awful things. I use to purposefully do things to get my little sister in trouble. I carved her initials everywhere and cut up my clothes so she couldn’t get them as hand-me-downs. And the thoughts I had back then, no little girl of 7-8 should ever have such thoughts. I was truly disturbed and defiant.

Though I was a straight A student, I went to the principal’s office every single year until I was a freshman in high school. Usually it was because I would tell off a teacher or refuse to do what they asked me to do. When I was 7 I was so horrible one day that I got “the paddle”. This was back when corporal punishment was still allowed. My mom witnessed it. It was humiliating. You know what got me there? I chased down a boy on the playground and kissed him. LOL

Then there were the memories of how I never had friends and the friends I did have  I mistreated. There was the friend who I beat up in the bathroom when I was 4 despite the fact that she was almost a foot taller than me. Then there was the friend who I was mean to all the time when I was 8. I made her cry over and over and never felt bad about it. I thought it was fun (WTF, right?). This all reversed flow on me later on, though.

And I don’t even remember everything from that time in my life. I believe I disconnected from everyone and everything in order to protect myself from all the pain. Everything in my life was destroyed. It is no wonder I decided that happiness = hurt, and decided that anything and everyone I loved would end up hurting or rejecting me. My solution was push everyone away. Reject them first. And when I did allow love into my life, I always knew it would not last, that it would be taken away from me and it would be my fault because I am no good, worthless and deserve it.

Yeah, disturbing.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I am sorry for all the negative history regurgitation.

Questions

After all this memory influx, I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life accomplishment?” Without hesitation I answered, “My children”.

Then I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life regret?”

This one took me a while but I eventually answered, “I didn’t live. I was too afraid to live.”

Ultimately, then, my greatest regret is succumbing to fear.

They then asked me, “What lessons do you still have to learn?”

And I knew the answer instantly. “I still need to learn how to be alone.” Yay! I am guessing my next life will be fun. 😦

 

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Life Review Panel

  1. litebeing says:

    I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Do you have adequate support for this process?

    sending love and light ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Karin says:

    Thank you for sharing this so openly here. You are so couraegous daring to be so vulnerable.
    I am touched by your story and see how it makes sense after so much trouble with the divorce of your parents to just decide to never let anyone love you because that might hurt you in the end.
    That sounds like there is a lot coming up for review and release. It is great that your spirit guides are accessible for helping you through this.
    I wonder what is the sanest strategy for dealing with abuse of any kind when one cannot just walk away. Shut down expressing love and accepting love is a temporary relief but no long-term solution. But what else can one do in order not to be hurt?
    I did not have such a difficult childhood as you did, but I have a similar issue at work. I had poured all my heart and joy into a task which helped the department a great deal, only to find out that this would not be rewarded as I expected. In order to never having to experience this disappointment again, I made the resolution to never again pour all my joy and creativity into a project at work because it feels like throwing pearls before swine. This will protect me, but on the other hand it does not feel right to close the heart down. So, I can relate to your struggle, even though my issue is tiny compared to yours.
    I wonder what the solution is to this. How to protect oneself from abuse without closing the heart down? If you get any answer on this by your guides or Sananda maybe, I hope you share it with us.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dayna says:

    Hi Karin,

    It’s funny how I keep hearing how courageous I am. I see it as being honest and open. I guess it could be considered brave but that is only if one is fearful of a negative response. If I were talking to any of you in person I would have told you as much, probably more. lol

    I think the best solution to abuse is to not resist the experience or the emotions relating to it and be open to what it can teach you. If I had it to do over again I would not make the decision to close myself off. Instead, I would listen to the other person (intuitively) in an attempt to understand. I did this later in life with my mom. She was nasty to me about something out of the blue. By this time I was in the midst of my Dark Night and confronting the very issues in this post. Instead of reacting to her abuse, I asked her, “Mom, what is really wrong?” She got uncomfortable. I then went and hugged her and she burst into tears. She had no idea why she was acting that way but I could feel her pain and it made my own pain inconsequential. She doesn’t do that to me anymore. She knows I will hug her and it will make her cry but she also knows I know her.

    In work situations it would be the same. It is the expectation that is causing you to withdraw. You must approach it without any expectation. You do it because you love what you do. That is enough. Easy to say, hard to do, I know!

    I hope this answers your question. 🙂

    Dayna

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Karin says:

    Yes, thank you, that answers my question, even though I find it hard to do.

    Wow, what a turnaround in the situation with your mom.

    And, yes, I find it impressive that you are not fearful of a negative response. You appear to be brave, even if it isn’t brave because you are not afraid of a negative response. Still, it is impressive.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dayna says:

      Good. It all comes down to attachment. We can be attached to all sorts of things, outcomes included. And yes, not easy. We are taught to please others from the get-go and this extends to every relationship and situation in our lives. How do you not wish to please others? Isn’t that what it means to be human? Maybe our mistake is in accepting that we are human.

      I came into this life blunt and expressive, often to my own detriment. I have always spoken my mind. Maybe this is a flaw but I see it as a gift. This attribute is probably the only part of my Authentic Self that did not get destroyed by being here.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. mollyb111 says:

    I’m so proud of you. Your writing and releasing these past few weeks has been huge! Which means amazing things are and will happen. All getting you ready for your trip/next adventure.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Many thanks Dayna for your openness in sharing your personal journey.. Our paths have a habit of taking us out of our comfort zones.. And I so see how your childhood self protected you by shutting out the emotions not to be so hurt again.. I so relate to that..
    my own Dream time has taken me back this last few weeks to vivid encounters of the past, of childhood memories mixed up within the present..
    Upon awakening I see how they are showing me to shed the guilt, that I carried.. Our childhood selves take on much.. and your love/hate relationship your mother bestowed upon you was enough to shut anyone down to protect themselves from the wounds..
    We are it seems shedding similar patterns at this particular time.. And I am delighted our paths have crossed ..
    I had to have time out for a while to adjust as I needed to allow my mind to de-clutter so to speak,, And I get so involved in other peoples emotions.. An empathic trait I am working on to be more detached 🙂
    Many thanks again for sharing Dayna

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dayna says:

      Yes, those protective mechanisms from childhood have their purpose and serve us well….for a time. In adulthood, though, they have limited my potential for growth and shut me down to fully accepting love. Thankfully my children are teaching me that. Who better to teach us to love ourselves than our own children? I am so very grateful to have agreed to be their mother!

      I understand needing to take a time out. I keep wanting to do this, thinking I can take no more, and then find myself pulled into sharing and elaborating on my experiences. I, too, am an empath but have successfully been able to block myself from the energy of others. Perhaps this is a positive side effect of shutting down early on? Who knows.

      Looking forward to continuing to walk this path with you.

      Dayna

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Carolyn Thompson says:

    Hugs! you are keepin’ it real. These kinds of things are real. Yet take time to really see how you feel about it. What you FEEL is the most important componant to the whole deal. Then honor that!!!! Not their questions, but your real natural responcse is to this idea. It explains everything.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s