Last night was one of those nights where I fell asleep and did not move until I awoke at 3am. I have no memory of any dreams prior to that point. I just slept really, really hard.
When I awoke I was very sad and I don’t know why. I felt completely done with life and requested a convening of my Council to discuss my options. For some reason I knew I could do this if I stated it properly. So I mentally requested a meeting of my Council to discuss my Exit options. I then requested that I be allowed to remember the adjournment and what was decided.
I was not going to share this with you all because I didn’t want it to appear negative. Yet, this is a very real part of the journey, of my journey. I have requested to Exit this life many, many times – too many to count. I believe we have Exit points planned into our lives. These are points where we can choose to leave the physical body. They are set points but the timing and circumstances surrounding them can be revised. I did not know how to request it until this morning. I just awoke knowing. Prior to that I have just wished for them, never directly asking to meet with my Council.
The feeling I awoke with is of absolute purposelessness. I feel to be going nowhere in my life. Treading water and getting more and more exhausted as I do so. The options I have reviewed, the only ones I can currently “see”, do not offer me any hope of positive change. I feel no matter what I do that this feeling will not abate. I have asked to understand, to be shown the reason, but so far I am getting nothing – or at least that is what it seems.
I was reminded this morning that I was visited by an opossum last night. This was no dream but an actual visit. At my old home, which was located out in the country, opossums, raccoons and other critters were constantly showing up. Here in the suburbs, however, they are rare. So last night, when a huge opossum came walking up to me while I was outside, it was a surprise indeed.
A visit from an opossum is a message to lay low and blend into your surroundings – to “play opossum”. Their message is “take no action”; do not say or do anything. This time of no action will allow you to see things for what they really are. Patience, trust and passivity are required.
Seeing this message just makes me laugh. No wonder I am wanting to Exit. This is the worst part of life (in my opinion) – the waiting! I absolutely hate it.
This message reminds me of a knowingness I had prior to bed last night and upon waking this morning. That at this time in my life I am focusing primarily on two things: being a mother and progressing spiritually. That’s it. The former requires action on my part, the latter does not. Of course, I want to act on the spiritual more than anything but am not being allowed. It is something that occurs in its own time and much of it is behind the scenes.
A big challenge for me is accepting the feelings I am having; allowing myself to feel them without judgement. There are so many “negative” ones that it is hard to not judge myself harshly for feeling them. Trusting that they have a purpose is very difficult as well. In some cases they are the elephant in the room and eventually something must be done about them.
I really, really want to just go into a coma until it is time to act. The waiting is unbearable.