I had a memory resurface from last night.
In the memory, I am alone with a man. I do not know him personally here in the physical but the feeling was that we have been “forever together”. I can’t see what he looks like in my memory. There is only the silhouette of a man who is taller than me. I remember dark hair, I think, but this is also hard to recall. When I try to remember all I see is a dark blur where his face should be. 😦
I ran to him, excited and out of breath over something I had just learned. I remember thinking how dense I have been to not have realized it sooner. I said a whole string of things to him that made perfect sense to me, but now I can’t remember even one of the words I said. There only remains a feeling. Ultimately, though, the lesson I learned was recognizing where jealousy comes from and why I had been so horribly jealous when it concerned him.
At the time, I remember that it was the feeling or vibration of jealousy that caused me to have the “ah-ha” moment. I recognized the jealousy vibration was the same as the love vibration. The source was the same. The difference was that jealousy is love twisted by fear – fear of loss of love. The jealousy is equally proportionate to the love. So, if one loves at the highest intensity, then the jealousy felt would reverberate back at an equal intensity. It is the same with other “negative” emotions. They all originate as love but fear twists them into something altogether different.
That is the end of the memory. I remembered it while shopping at the grocery store with my kids. It was just there and I thought it odd that it would come to me at such a mundane life moment.
After processing the memory I knew the memory was a reflection of a part of myself I avoid in the physical because of the intensity of the emotion of jealousy. I have felt it in this lifetime once and I never want to revisit it. I turned into some kind of obsessed idiot and did not like myself at all. Now that particular relationship was completely of the lower chakras. I did not love the man, I lusted after him. We were drawn together like magnets, though, and it was a very uncomfortable experience when we were apart – for both of us. I told Steven afterwards, “I don’t want to ever do that again. It’s not worth it.” I suspect this lesson was not completely learned – that it was a “warm-up” of sorts. So the memory seemed to be a reminder that my green-eyed alter-ego still lurks in the shadows.
There was something else I brought back with that memory. I realized this jealousy issue is part of why I am not ready for an intense, heart-connected relationship. Yet there was also a feeling that I am being prepared for just that.