It has been a challenge navigating the last four or five days – well nearly the last month really. I have never in my life experienced such up’s and down’s and emotional intensity. This intensity started mid-December and does not seem to be letting up. It is almost painful for me to have such intensity of emotion. It makes me wonder if I have been navigating through this lifetime with an almost fully closed heart. Why else would I have not felt this before? How can I have been so emotionally closed off for so long? And what am I to do with this new openness? It is blissfully fantastic in one extreme and excruciatingly painful in another.
Honestly, I am struggling to deal with this new openness, especially the painful part. There has been an overflowing of emotion that should not be there, that feels alien or to belong to someone else. It is just there out of nowhere as if it were there all along. What a crazy, amazing thing to experience. There are no words!
With it comes a past life memory that just appeared. I don’t know when it was or really where it was, but it is vivid in all ways and the emotion linked to it is beyond intense. I can’t escape it so I just live it. Daily. The memory is still unfolding. When it does I will share it with you all.
Everyone has their breaking point. I swear I’ve reached mine. I am so done with it all. I have been demanding to be let out of whatever contract(s) I signed. I have been angry and upset for four days straight now. I will go from a numb, almost calm sort of zombie-ness to an overflowing of emotion that stops me in my tracks. The up’s and down’s have to stop. NOW. I can’t live like this.
I recognized the gathering of my Team around me a couple of days ago. There has been healing in the night and very few dreams. The intensity of concern I feel from them makes me angry and sad and concerned. It makes my heart pull with a painful, stabbing intensity as well.
I was finally mentally able to focus on my guidance last night. One of my assistants was there who was energetically familiar to me. He gave me the name “Ken” and has been asking me questions and helping me process whatever it going on with me. My resistance to staying in my heart space was the first thing to be addressed. Oh crap is all I can say. It hurts there like nothing else and there is still an intense magnetic pull that is indescribable. I hate it and I love it at the same time. What confusion!
I was told to shut off my mind and just feel, so I did, and the intensity of the heart stabbing seemed to shoot right through my back at an angle that started at the High Heart and went into my solar plexus. There was no emotion, just a physical ache. I calmed substantially and fell asleep.
There are Choices, not Options
I startled awake at 3:30am from a vivid vision of the word, “Starseed”typed in boldface. I had a moment of confusion because I had just been dreaming about being at my mom’s house where a major ice and snow storm had shut everything down. It had gotten so cold that her chickens and even wild animals were freezing to death. When I woke an entire memory of intense discussions were seemingly placed in my mind as were vivid images of something not at all related to the cold dream I had just been in.
The vision that is most memorable was of the Earth’s sky changing from vivid blue to an ominous pale yellow color. The sky seemed to break apart, blasting outward and upward, and in broad daylight one could see the entire night sky. As I watched, thousands upon thousands of golden hued energy-people (souls?) began to ascend into the sky and blend with the yellow hues until they disappeared into the stars.
With this I remembered what occurred prior to this “rapture”. I had been discussing my Starseed origins with a small group of individuals. It was a serious talk, and one in which there was much upset, more on my part than theirs. In this discussion was my role as mother to my children, which I discussed in a previous post. There was also a discussion of all that has transpired up to this point in my life, though I cannot remember the specifics of it. I clearly recall being told, “There are choices, not options”. I saw that I could choose to shut off what has been happening with me. I could stop it. Permanently. But then I could not resume again. I would no longer see. I would no longer hear the call. It was clearly explained to me that this was not like last time when I shut down. This time it would be permanent. I would be left behind.
Of course, when I awoke I questioned all this. Hadn’t I already chosen to stay behind? Why then would it matter if I was left? In this I felt a sadness, a finality. Being left in this way was not the same. It was as if I would become deaf and blind to everything.
It was then explained to me that I had been given the opportunity to choose between Self and the Whole. I was told now is not the time to make decisions based upon selfish desires. I felt very much like I was being reprimanded here. This is why there are no “options” then? I choose to participate or I choose not to participate. That is it. There are no alternate routes.
I was reminded again of the egg within an egg dream I had not long ago. I saw the egg within as the Starseed, the innermost workings of me; the part of me connected to something more, something much bigger than myself. I could choose to let it lie dormant or allow it to hatch.
I was also reminded of a dream I had in December, 2014. Something clicked and I just laughed at all the synchronicities involved.
Of the two choices I was given I must choose to participate. I am told it will only get more intense. I can’t say I am excited but it is better than being deaf and blind.