Spiritual Loneliness

The energy surges are taking a toll on me. It started out as a high and then yesterday sent me into a restless numbness. I began to see my life as not my own again, but this time it was not in forgetfulness or lacking of emotion. No, this time it was a complete rejection of my life. It screamed, “This isn’t me! This isn’t my family!”

What is ironic about it is that yesterday my husband was gone all day and I had all three of my children at home with me. Since they are so young, I avoid driving places when I am alone with all three. So, we were home all day to figure out what to do with ourselves. I felt completely unmotivated and disinterested in doing anything. I was, in effect, a sloth-person. lol

The numbness bothered me so much that when my husband got home I searched the house up and down for something alcoholic. Anything. Unfortunately, all we had was scotch whiskey (yuck!). Thankfully, I was able to mix up a cocktail and have a drink despite my hating the taste of whiskey. I made one for my husband, too, but we drank them separately.

By this point I was so agitated (not sure why) that I became defiant. I got angry at this spiritual path I am on. I blamed it for how I was currently feeling and wanted the “transformation” to be done and over with. Of course, I had to show that I was in control, so out came the cigarettes my husband bought me months ago after I quit. I had one but nearly choked on the taste and nastiness of it. But I continued defiantly to smoke it until I could not longer bear the taste.

Thankfully by this time the drink had done its job and I was feeling calmer. I no longer cared one way or the other, transformation or not, and went to bed early.

Dream: Under the Bridge 

I had many dreams last night, but only one stands out to me now because of the message it brings.

I was in my Mom’s house in her bedroom laying next to my husband in her bed (I know weird). He was being flirtatious. I suggested we get a fishing pole and went and got one out of the garage. I put the hook where it wouldn’t hurt us and went back into the bedroom.

My middle son was there tagging along and my other two came out of nowhere and soon I had all of them surrounding me. I gave the fishing pole to my husband and retreated, feeling suffocated by their demanding energy. I retreated into what once was my old bedroom growing up and lay down on the waterbed (yeah I had one of those in my teens).

There was a small t.v. set by the bed on a table. It was on so I hit the power button to turn it off. It was one of those older versions, silver and heavy with large knobs on the left hand side. Then the t.v. turned on on its own and showed a green reboot screen. I was upset. Why did it turn back on?? I just wanted to sleep and here it was turning on! Not only that but it was playing music!

I tried to turn it back off but it wouldn’t respond. The t.v. turned computer was rebooting. That was when I noticed the song:

Well, I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I recognized the song. It was a song I use to love in high school. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Under the Bridge.

This woke me up. I looked at the clock: 5:30am. Talk about getting upset. I am so tired of waking up early for “talks”, especially after the previous day.

Spiritual Loneliness

After some prompting, I settled into my heart space and calmed a bit. It was then easy for me to see that I had slipped out of this space the previous day and the Ego had gained ground. But it was so easy to resolve that.

The first message I got was, “We must remove the negativity”. My answer was,”Good luck. I have been negative my whole life”. I saw then what looked like steam rising off my aura, but knew it was the a release from my heart chakra. So this is what is happening? Great.

A question was asked of me, “How can one be so lonely when surrounded by a family that loves them?”

I did not want to go there. To the place of loneliness. Yet I knew instantly this was my problem. I am lonely. I have been lonely my whole life. Lonely for my family. I miss them.

There was no emotional release just a request to go Home. Of course, I got, “You know you can’t. You have work to do”.

I then saw a long, hand written letter in front of my eyes. It hurt my heart to see it and I had a great longing rise up from within. I read the first line: I am sorry, brother, that we can’t be together right now….” But my conscious mind interfered and I could not read the rest. The loneliness turned to grief turned to disappointment.

I believe a reUnion occurred at some level. It is clear to me now that this reUnion has been difficult for me to process on this side.  From the heart this memory is less upsetting, though there is still a reaction. The longing is so strong in the heart that I avoided it and so it was not allowed to process. I have to process it somehow. When I try, all it does is remind me of what I don’t have and what I am suppose to do.

There is memory that we (my family) chose Earth families and relationships with souls we are not as connected with – like second or third cousins. We did this on purpose. We knew it would be a lonely path. We knew it would be difficult for us. Why am I so courageous there and so cowardly here?

Remembering is not always pleasant that is for sure.