The more I live this life the more I think that I put in all kinds of twists and turns to keep myself on my toes. It just keeps getting curiouser and curiouser.
I was in the shower when it happened. Suddenly, I felt completely disconnected from this life and who I am….or….er was. When I tried to contact her/myself it was strange. I honestly can’t find the words for the feeling.
I had flashes of my life come into my mind. My past and present all at once combined together. Usually emotionally charged memories were just dead, like a movie film of someone else’s life. There were memories of specific people like my Mom and sisters, my childhood friends, and pets I loved and lost. All incidents which I held onto for whatever reason be it anger, hurt, sadness, joy. When I saw these memories I knew those experiences had “served their purpose”. I was “done” and they weren’t needed anymore.
I freaked a bit, but not too much because I instantly recognized where this amnesia-like feeling came from. My Companion and his settling in. He told me it would be “different”. Ha! This is freakin’ WEIRD!
I remembered the blender I saw in a vision. Funny but not funny. I feel a bit violated. This is MY life dammit! Stop taking it away! – Yet I know it is not going anywhere, hasn’t gone anywhere. But I am so utterly different than I was. So totally different than I was even yesterday.
It is hard to explain. I wish I could articulate it, but I don’t think a feeling like this has a word in this or any other language.
I sense a change in my energy. It is specifically on the entire left side of my body; the left side of my brain. My head hurts on and off. My neck, too. My focus shifts in and out.
My heart chakra hurts one minute and is exploding in love the next. Then I want to laugh and giggle and let it take over. Woosh!
I keep expecting the lost emotion from those memories that flooded my mind to come back. But when I inspect them, they are the same. They are there. I can remember everything about them, but I am different. It is like I am turning my back on them and walking away. I am saying goodbye to my life and everything that went with it.
I will say my children have not been in those memories. Neither has my current husband. The memories in question are of my Mom, Dad, sisters, old friends, ex husband, college, high school, etc. They go back to the beginning of this life. That me is fading quickly. She was already alien to me in many ways but now it is like she is just gone. And what is even better is that it feels like the karma is gone with her. Maybe this blending thing isn’t so bad….
As I type this I am being asked to let go, to step aside, to make room for this other me. But I see the division clearly, it is like a door has opened and I am being asked to walk through it. When I do, I leave this behind, these memories, this entire story that is my life.
And the glimpses I am getting of what it will be like without the heaviness of my past (I didn’t realize it was heavy until now) I am not near as afraid I was.
I can’t help but think that I will wake up in the next week or so and not be me anymore. Not this me anyway. Parts of me will be there, I think that is necessary, but a new part will be in charge. How can this be? How can such a thing happen? Honestly, I don’t know. And I don’t even know if I will know when it occurs being it has gotten this far and I am just now noticing. Weird. Weird. Weird.