Embrace Possibility

I have never been a morning person but it has been doubly difficult to get out of the bed in the mornings lately. I was able to get almost 11 hours of sleep last night but it only exacerbated the feeling of not wanting to wake up. It’s like the more sleep I get, the more grumpy I get.

Dream: Class of Millennials

I dreamed that I was attending a mathematics class at a university. This was a very large class, one of the conducted in an auditorium. The students were all much younger than me but I didn’t seem to care. I went to class prepared with all my stuff, backpack and all. What was odd is that I went carrying a bouquet of birthday balloons!

The entire dream it was hard for me to see. The images were more dark impressions, as if the entire dream was in dim lighting. I sat at a desk that was pushed up against others and waited for the professor to arrive. I was feeling very positive but another student sitting next to me was not so positive. She began to make comments like a bully would. I responded by saying, “You millennials are all the same. I’m a Gen-X’er. Do you know any of us?”

She interrupted me with some other snarky comment and laughed at my balloons. “Why are you walking around with birthday balloons?” Laughing, she got others in on her bullying game and they stole my balloons and then let go of them so that they flew away.

Not bothered by this, I turned around to focus on class. Then noticed my notebook was missing. They had taken it, too. I saw a notebook under the chair in front of me and grabbed it but saw it was not mine. I look through another one and still it was not mine. I thought about taking it but then thought otherwise. I did not want to take someone’s hard work. That would be wrong.

Then the entire class was getting into these inflatable swimming pools and having a good old time splashing and partying. I felt very out of place and walked to the door looking back and wondering why they were swimming. I remember thinking it was again something to do with their generation and immaturity associated with it.

I recall a brief moment where I was in a different class, one focused on a science or similar subject where there were formulas that needed to be applied. I took notes and read and re-read them. I remember telling the instructor that I wrote down what he said rather than what I read in our text because what he said always made more sense to me. This class was much smaller, with only four or five students and multiple instructors.

Embrace  Possibility

Upon waking I requested a meeting with my Council to discuss my options. I expressed my exhaustion and disinterest in the things I am being asked to focus upon. Basically, I am being told I can do whatever I want. Right now my focus is on experiencing and so I the choices are mine and options are many. Yet I do not want to do anything and so I am facing yet another conundrum. How do you decide what to do when nothing at all is appealing?

I am being asked to embrace possibility now. It feels like one of those assignments I use to hate in school. The teacher says, “Write a paper”. The students ask, “About what?” The teacher says, “Anything you want”.

I always hated those assignments. Too loose for me. I like defined parameters. I like specifics.

In my waking life my husband is coming down hard on me for not wanting to experience new things. He is pushing, pushing, pushing for me to be more social and go out and do things as a couple. He is encouraging the very thing my Team is. He says to me, “Dayna, LIVE life! Stop being a hermit! Try something new, something different, for a change!”

For example, he wants to go to a football game this Thursday (Thanksgiving) with his brother and wife. He presented it as if it were this great, exciting adventure and all I thought of was crowds of people and a game between teams I care nothing about. The thought of sitting outside in bleachers with crowds of people I don’t know makes me tired just thinking about it. I also have never liked football or team sports for that matter.

All of this pushing both here in the physical and by my spiritual Team is making me angry. I just want to be alone right now. I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to go to public events.