Disengagement Brings Humility

So I guess you’ve all figured out that I have been having a huge freak-out these last few days. It’s unwarranted, really. There’s no reason other than that I was reacting to things not turning out quite how I would’ve like them to. This is a normal pattern for me. Too many losses in a short period of time and I shut down and my Ego takes over and throws a “tantrum”.

Big Fail

The biggest loss for me has been my business venture. Despite doing everything “right”, sales are very slow and I’m not reaching my goals. I don’t understand what I did wrong except that maybe I just chose the wrong product or maybe it is that too many people have discovered the business and so it is inundated with too many similar products. Whatever it is, I have accepted the loss. I am no longer as upset as I was, but I am disappointed for sure.

Too Many Expectations

I realized that I had too many grand expectations of what was to come for me spiritually once I left my job. I stupidly thought that once I eliminated the stress and wasted time of going to and from work, that it would free me up to receive more spiritual insight and have more spiritual experiences. I thought everything would kick into high gear and I would be “enlightened” further by Remembering more and connecting more intensely with my Higher Self.

How naive.

What it seems is really happening is the opposite. I left work and have more time but everything spiritually has come to a standstill, or it appears that way.

I also had a grand idea of what it would be like to teach my middle son. He has been anything but compliant. I have been having to bribe him to do “school”, which I have found is a big mistake. So I am changing tactics and so far it is working. We do “projects” together and he is much more willing to cooperate. I am finding he is much better at writing his letters than I thought and his big heart is what leads him to want to learn to do more. We spend a lot of time making cards for people he loves and playing games together. So different than I expected yet I am learning a great deal about my son and just how big his heart is.

This was what he made today:


letter to jade

Sick and Disengaged

Instead of spiritual enlightenment I got a nasty cold. I am still recovering, but it is so much better. I only have a slight cough in the morning now. I realize that this illness is likely a result of incorporating the higher energies which involves much purging of the old. It is no surprise then that my Ego would throw a tantrum. It is a normal part of the process.

I forgot, of course, all of this, and so disengaged further from my Team of guides and assistants. To my Ego mind it was all “their fault” which further angered me and distanced me from them.

I stopped tuning in after waking in the mornings. Instead I was angry and withdrew. It was not that my Team was not there but that I did not want to listen or acknowledge them.


When I awoke this morning I was less angry and so more open. I heard instantly, “Nothing has changed but you”. I felt the energy begin to build in my back at my heart center and it suddenly stopped. Instantly I recognized that I stopped it. And I understood. They were always there; always are there. And really, nothing has changed in my life except my perception of it. It shut me down and cut me off from them.

I had heard them, too. I remember. I heard them say, “Do not resist” and I ignored them. I felt their energy many times over the past few days and I shut myself down to it. It was like I was trying to punish them – but it only served to punish me.

With this understanding I relaxed and began to accept. I was then instructed to resume my morning meditation and asked to do a type of fasting today – a liquid only diet where I drank my food. I can have dairy and veggies and fruits. This is only for today, so not a full-on cleanse and I am not completely sure why I am doing it but I will do it without resistance. I have been eating vegetarian with fish, but recently I made an entire dinner of fish with rice and veggies and when I ate the fish and rice they tasted “off” so I only ate the veggies while my kids scarfed down the entire meal. I should’ve known something was up then.

The message this morning was a reminder that right now I am learning to incorporate the spiritual into my daily life – it is learning to balance the two but its not what I had previously thought. The balance comes with continual tuning in throughout the day so as to not get swept up into the mundane which can completely shut off our spiritual lifeblood. It is like turning on and off a faucet. Right now I am being shown it is dripping, but what it should be a continual stream flowing in. To do this requires set breaks throughout the day where I shut off all distraction and tune in. It does not mean hours or even a half hour but maybe 5 to 10 minutes only. This should be scheduled in three to six times a day depending on the need. This is in addition to morning and nightly tuning in. These are not necessarily “meditation” breaks either. They are sitting quietly away from distractions (no phone, no t.v., no computer) and focusing on the third eye and heart at the same time, ideally in nature or near an open window so the sun’s rays can be felt/sensed.

With two very busy children this will be a challenge. I will see how it turns out today. I am told if I do this that I will notice my edginess lessening and my mind clearing.

It seems always that I take one step forward and two steps back. Time to step forward again.