You think it’s easier
To give up on the trouble
If the trouble is destroying you
You think it’s easier
But before you threw me a rope
It was the one thing I could hold on to
This song has been a theme-song for me the past 24-36 hours. I am not exactly sure what it means but it has been in my head two mornings in a row upon waking.
I am in the midst of another purge I think. It is not a huge one, at least not as big as some of the ones from the past. My energy, physically, emotionally and mentally, is low. I feel like it is being siphoned off throughout the day and by the end I have nothing left.
I feel once again DONE with life. I am fed up with this place and all the negative, heaviness that pervades it. So I have been asking to finish up and get out of here. I have been bargaining again with my guides. “Please just let me come Home now. I don’t care if I have to come back another lifetime to finish what I didn’t finish in this life. I just don’t want to do this anymore”. All I receive in response are Spirit hugs.
What bothers me the most is that I don’t have motivation at all. Usually when I am feeling like this I can find something to hold onto, some kind of hope that things will improve; some kind of change I can make that brings back that missing spark. There is nothing there. When I look into the future, to the “what if’s” I see only dead ends, paths I have been on before and don’t want to return to.
My sleep was fitful for the first half of the night. I didn’t feel I was resting and I don’t remember my dreams. This morning I recall only the end of one dream.
I was in a city walking towards a destination with a friend. The streets were paved with cobblestone. We parked (not sure where the car came from) and went inside. The teacher was an older gentleman and I felt we had been to his class before. I remember that I wanted to go hear him speak because it was a rare event, but I can’t recall what he was speaking about.
We were laying down to listen and I remember only pieces of this part. I saw candles lit and knew I was laying near a man. At one point I knew the covers had come off me, exposing my bare backside. I didn’t care but I knew the man was trying not to look and this amused me.
When class ended I somehow was the last to leave. It was like it had ended way earlier and I had been asleep or distracted so missed the dismissal. I went outside to find my friend and her car was gone. She later returned in it saying she had gone to get some pizza. She seemed to want to celebrate something but I didn’t feel like celebrating and didn’t want any pizza.
As I awoke I remember talking to someone. I was bargaining with them, saying I was done and wanted to leave this life early. As I grew more conscious I saw a piece of paper in front of me. It was divided into four parts and I knew these were elements corresponding to regions of the Earth and duties of those in these areas. I rejected this Plan and pushed the vision out of my mind. Then I saw a large word as if stamped on a paper in my mind. It said, “Finished”. It was in red ink.
I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I don’t belong here and that I never have belonged. Right now this feeling is very strong. The more I Remember who I am, the stronger it gets.
I have been having flashbacks of this life, as if I am reviewing it again. My dreams are of my past again and of people who I feel I have wronged, though it is becoming clearer to me that it was part of the plan and my “wrongs” were purposeful for some reason.
I am also flashing back to my youth, to times when I had conversations with my guide without knowing that was what I was doing. One of my earliest memories of this is of me sitting on the ground because my stomach was hurting really bad. The silent voice told me to be still and it would pass. So I did and it went away shortly after. I don’t know how old I was (7?), but the memory is so vivid and I see myself as if outside of myself, sitting on the side of the concrete drive. My hair was short and I was so small but so very strong (and pig headed!).
There is another flashback to my teen years when the first longings for Home became unbearable. I remember conversing with someone. Back then I just thought I was just talking to myself. I was told how long it would be before I would meet “the One”. I saw 30 in my mind and it seemed so very far away, so far away I couldn’t bear it. So I prayed for someone to be sent to me, someone for the interim, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. He was sent when I was 17 and upon meeting him I knew I had a choice and I made it despite knowing he was not “the One”. I thought it would be better, but turns out I felt more alone than ever during that time.
Out of the blue yesterday, while feeling so very down and out, I understood that I would have to eventually go back to work. This saddened me because I do not feel the desire to return to the workplace. I feel unfulfilled there (there being in the education system) and want to do something different, but what that is I am not sure.
I saw a pattern in my life. A pattern concerning my career path. It felt like I was sent some place for a certain amount of time and then, when I was “done”, would be sent to another place. And so on and so forth. If I stayed too long at a place, a place where I was done, events would eventually push me to leave. The longer I stayed, the more difficult it would be to stay to the point that it would begin to start physically affecting me. This is clear to me now, but I feel the resistance inside me. A part of me wants to stay in one place, to be happy in that place. Yet I feel I am not programmed that way. I will always feel the need to move on. What is hardest about moving around so much is that I don’t know why I am at the places I am. It just seems like I am wasting time.
So I grieved in knowing that I would have to return to work, most likely back to counseling. It will just fall in my lap again. That is always how it works. I feel I want/need to work again and then presto it appears as if a gift in a little package.
I don’t like that I feel pushed this way and that in life, as if a string is tied to me that leads me where I am suppose to go. I feel like a puppet.