When I went to bed last night I was exhausted so it is no wonder I fell asleep during my nightly meditation. However, I awoke suddenly at 10:30pm. When I looked at the clock I thought, “That’s wrong. The kids must have messed with it”. I got up out of bed and checked the hallway clock. It said it was 10:32.
Confused, I lay back down wondering why I felt I had been asleep for hours and hours. It was then I had a memory – one of those memories like I’ve been having where I will suddenly have complete Knowing about what I am remembering only to have it disappear as soon as I remember it.
The memory was of yet another piece of me returning from somewhere else. It was quick and had actually woken me up prior to 10:30 but I forgot it so quickly that I fell back to sleep. I did, however, make a note of it to remember later – and I did!
Now there are only fragments of the memory but I had remembered an entire journey – a journey this other piece of me had made. The strongest part of this memory is the recognition of the other piece of me and the accepting of it back into the whole. It felt like this other part of me had been out and about running “errands”, what those are I have no clue.
Dream: Bruised Throat
This dream became very lucid towards the end. In it I was working at a school in the role of counselor. I had been talking to a co-worker from the job I just left as we stood in the cafeteria. A group of young boys was referred to me and I talked to them as a group. However, I noticed one boy was very guarded and so asked him to stay and dismissed the other two.
I asked him, “Do you know what a school counselor does?” He shook his head, “No”.
I then told him, “You have nothing to be frightened of. I won’t tell your parents – your mom, dad, grandparents or anyone – what you tell me unless you are going to harm yourself of another. You are safe with me”.
This relaxed him quite a bit and we talked for a while. Then he left and I talked to the teacher, telling her how when I work with students one-on-one I don’t plan like I do when I teach a class. She then noticed something and asked me, “What happened?” She pointed to my neck. I became very self-conscious and said, “Nothing. Nothing happened. Why?” She said, “It looks like you were hurt, that’s all”.
I then went to look for a bathroom to check my neck. I walked down a hallway and saw open doors leading into suites. Was I in a hotel? All the rooms were occupied and were all on the left side. However, on the right side was one room where no one stayed. I walked in as a man was walking out. I asked him, “Does no one stay here?” He said, “No”, and left.
I went into the bathroom intending to use it but the toilet was full of urine and there was wet toilet paper on the seat. I saw it and thought I would just clean it before I used it. But then I turned and inspected my neck in the mirror. Sure enough, there were bruises on either side of my windpipe. It looked like I had been choked.
This is when the dream turns more lucid. I was walking and walking and then stopped in a covered outside area. I lay down on the cement floor and looked up. I could see the stars. As I lay there I began thinking of the college I use to attend. In my mind I was seeing the logo of UNT (University of North Texas). I did not attend that college and this confused me, though I did not remember this in the dream. I kept rearranging the letters – UTN was the most common.
I then thought of a girl I went to high school with and remembered that she attended this college (in reality she did not nor did I). I knew I had come in my sophomore year but she had been there all four years. I remembered meeting her and she was so happy (or appeared to be).
I then got very upset and yelled out to someone, “I hate her! I hate her!”. I was thinking how she is making tons of money and progressing faster than me. It wasn’t fair to me because she was not deserving.
I awoke very upset and thinking of my business (which is not doing as well as I hoped). I kept thinking of this girl and how she as likely making tons of money and still thriving in this material world.
She had everything I had wanted in high school. I wanted to be popular like her but I could not handle being “fake” and I just did not do well with large groups of friends. Yet I had wanted what she had. It was so conflicting and this conflict returned fully in my memory.
I cursed the part of me that pushed away the very thing that I wanted (or thought I did). It was like this part of me was trying to protect me from the pitfalls of popularity. Like I was trying to experience what it is like to be alone and the opposite of popular. It causes great conflict and upset in me.
Instant Comfort and Lessons Realized
I felt no guide, no help, and it upset me more. Then, suddenly after probably 30 minutes of upset, there suddenly washed over me a calm. It came from my mind and caught my attention instantly. My thoughts stopped and the upset vanished. I then heard, “It is through failure that we learn the most”. I then felt the familiar warm energy begin to wash over me, but it was only in my limbs and head.
My concerns about my business had been the last thoughts I had and this was the message I received. There also was a recognition that my real job here had nothing to do with the “other lessons”. These were karmic debt being paid. There was an understanding that my struggle with feeling accepted – this inner conflict I have lived with – is to learn the lesson of humility and to avoid the very things that a part of me wants so badly. The desire to be “popular”, to have the “power” that someone in that position has is a karmic repayment. Yuck. Somewhere alone the way I had misused this “power”.