I had many vivid dreams last night, the last of which was emotional. I awoke feeling an unexplained loss. Crying softly in my pillow I wondered, “Why am I crying? Why do I feel like this?”
From this point commenced a short conversation between me and my Higher Self/Companion/Guide.
He asked me, “How are you suppose to feel?”
I thought on this a while and the answer came through a series of pictures and words. They flooded my mind and brought understanding and solemnity.
First came the pictures. They are vague now and all I recall are vivid images of a vast darkness speckled with white dots that appeared to be stars, easily assumed to be the universe. From there came a sensation of being cut off from this suddenly and abruptly. As if a wall came down and wiped out all connection, all memory, all understanding. The vastness that I was part of, that was me, was suddenly nothing; empty and alone.
With these pictures came a thought question, “Imagine how you would feel to suddenly lose yourself. How would you feel if you were taken from everything you knew and left alone without the connection to Source that you once had?”
And in that moment I understood why I was crying, why I felt like this.
He then said to me, “You are suppose to feel this way. This is intentional, for how could you ever know what you have lost if you never lost it?”
And I thought to myself and to him, “I am suppose to feel this way”.
And I understood. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way I feel. The experience causes it to be so for it allows me to view things from a different vantage point, one in which I am separate.
He asked me, “What does the separateness create?
And I replied, “Me”.
It was for me like the feeling one gets as a small child when they suddenly find themselves separated from their parent in the grocery store. There is a sudden recognition, “I am alone” along with an intense nervousness and panic. Instantly, the child seeks out their parent except that this time I never find my parent because the instant I lose sight of him/her I forget he/she exists. Instead, I wander around the store aimlessly looking for something I cannot describe, inundated by a feeling of utterly impenetrable aloneness.
I saw the Ego was the creation of this separateness. For some reason I began to think of competition. I thought of how the Ego wants recognition, attention – to be special. I thought about how we have competitions on the Other Side (somehow I knew this) and I asked my guide, “Do we just let each other win?” and with his answer I also answered, “No. We do our best and do not always win”. Yet I knew that on the Other Side the connectivity we have with one another made the sport fun no matter whether you were the “winner” or the “loser”. Without that connection here on earth the result is jealousy, anger, hatred, resentment and a myriad of other emotions followed sometimes by actions of revenge but always with a sense of loss and misunderstanding at our very core.
This is how it is suppose to be.
I feel very solemn still as I write this. How can I be okay with being separate? How can I just be what I am when I am and trust the spark that remains in my heart, the one remnant of who I am that remains intact?