Feel I’ve Been Duped

I feel I’ve been duped. Either that or I completely misunderstood the spiritual changes I was going through.

It is probably the latter. I tend to be quite dense overall with this transformation stuff.

Dreams and Interrupted Sleep

I awoke feeling this way. That is how I’ve been feeling upon waking for some time now. This morning at 4:30am I was wide awake to the point that I didn’t think I would return to sleep. My mind was unsettled and I had a feeling of resistance that was quite strong.

My dreams were many and now I only have tidbits left of them. In one I was buying a very large cantaloupe and stated, “It’s for my husband. I hate cantaloupes” (I do hate them). In another I was being left at the beach by my ex-husband who decided he was going to go jet skiing. I remember hating him and feeling abandoned. Finally, in another I was being forced to take a mentally unstable and retarded teenager to the mental hospital. Then the man stole my car despite my trying to disable it.

I also recall a conversation about me being 26 years old. I almost became lucid in that dream because I remember thinking, “I’m not that young” and thinking about different ages to see if they felt right. This particular dream woke me up. I immediately remembered the age of 26 was when I had my first spiritual awakening. I did the math and sighed. It had been a very long time since then and I seem to not have made much progress.

Surrender

I somehow fell back to sleep and woke a couple of hours later. During that time I had more calming dreams. In one memorable one I was in the mountains and kept trying to take pictures of them. I ran into a group of mountain bikers and their air pump had gotten stolen. Then I was in a cabin on the mountainside. It had large windows to take in the view and a woman, a professor, was showing me invitations she had hand-made herself. She was about to leave her position for one higher up and I congratulated her. I remember thinking I had already graduated and was not her student anymore. Then I stared out the windows at the mountains and told her, “I’m not staying very long”.

Then I was reading a hand written list aloud to someone. As I went down the list, the words began to echo in my mind and I stopped because I recognized one: walk-in. I wondered, “Why was that word on there?” and then I wanted to remember the other ones and couldn’t. This woke me up.

I awoke to the Proclaimer’s 500 Miles song chorus in my head. I was not amused and did not want to hear what my Companion had to say. When I searched for the lyrics this morning, I stumbled upon an alternate version first and in the midst of the lyrics were the words “Surrender. Surrender”.

Probably a message but I’m not finding it helpful.

Gut Feeling

My connection to my Companion and Team is almost imperceptible right now. I feel abandoned by them again and angry to be left alone in a world I have no interest in. My gut feeling is that this is how it is going to be for a while. I feel stranded in a foreign country. I don’t know the language or the customs and have no interest in adapting to fit in.

Ever since I was a child I have felt this way. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my Home. Something is wrong with everyone else. Or maybe something is wrong with me? I thought I had finally found my family when I met my Companion. You can imagine the relief I felt. “Finally! Finally I am not alone! Finally I have an answer to why I am like I am!”.

But when I can’t find him, when it feels like he has abandoned me, all the feelings I have felt since childhood resurface. I begin to flounder. Life is so empty and lacking without the connection.

I am told it is always there, but I can’t find it. Even sleep doesn’t bring it. I was disconnected for the entire time I was starting my family. I don’t know how I managed to not die inside during that time – or maybe I did, little by little. If I have to do that again I think it will destroy me.

Please, please don’t do that to me again.

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4 thoughts on “Feel I’ve Been Duped

  1. Paula says:

    You saw “Surrender” and “Walk-in”. They sound similar to me. Your companion IS there,,,you just have to surrender and walk in!!! Maybe you’re the one abandoning them. Just my thoughts. Be blessed!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just my 2 cents here… first of all, it struck me how similar the 4.30 wake-up is with a friend of mine (she’s like my spiritual sister). Sometimes she gets this. 2 nights ago it was her, her husband AND both dogs ! Everyone up at 4.30.
    Second, we are never disconnected from Souce, God, the rest of the Universe. Don’t forget how “dense” this planet still is. We’re working our way to 5D and higher. This is why we are here, and it’s a big task.
    What both of us feel right now (and not only us) is that the “negatives” are very “pissy”, very desperate and resorting to all kinds of idiocy to unsettle us.
    Which can include crazy dreams (some dreams can be hacked, to confuse and/or anger us), meddling with electricity and electronics (has your computer gone haywire lately ? Mine does crazy things 😀 ), and little “waves” of either confusion, or irritability, or downright feeling disconnected.
    Thing is, we are much stronger than they are. We can do this, we ARE doing this 🙂
    Much love, sorry for the long post. Hang on, trust and flow ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • daynaspirit says:

      Thank you for this Brianna! My computer actually got a virus not long ago and I had to completely start over. I lost everything! This was despite Norton antivirus. I am still recovering items but most I will never get back. 😦

      My sleep is tough now. I sleep but I don’t feel rested. If it is in fact the negatives then poo on them! lol I think they must know how to get my Ego to wake up as that seems to be my problem right now. I am on the Ego rollercoaster it seems.

      Liked by 1 person

      • hihihi, we say that a lot too.. poo on them 😀
        Aaa, the Ego. that “last frontier” to be conquered, right ? again, just my 2 cents, and going thru similar paths, but do not bash yourself over it. Ego can really be a terrible 2 toddler, and stomp it’s feet. Embrace it, tell it it will be fine, better than that, actually, it will be perfect.
        I do think some of our episodes are negatives’ work. The Light may want to “shake” you, or show you things, but not hurt you.
        The “negs” are very good button pushers. Right where it hurts. Never forget… we are stronger than they are. 🙂

        Big big hugs ! Praise your courage, for telling it all here !

        Liked by 2 people

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