My husband has this weird habit of playing songs that my ex use to play all the time. When I ask him why he plays it, he says, “I like it”. Yet, most of the time he plays music we both like. So, him playing this music is out of character for him.
The music he plays comes from the exact albums my ex use to play over and over again when we were married. Specifically he plays George Strait, Amarillo by Morning (my ex’s all-time favorite song) and Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson songs. Last night he chose to play Merle Haggard Greatest Hits which was one my ex played frequently on our long commutes between Bozeman and Helena, MT.
When I heard the album playing songs I knew by heart, images began to flash through my mind of long ago. I was hit suddenly with these images and seemed unable to remove them from my mind. Mostly, I was seeing the mountains and grandeur of Montana, the houses I use to live in, and the routes to an from places we frequented. The detail was amazing!
There was also a memory of who I was at that time and she was so alien to me as was her actions and reactions to life. She was so selfish, angry and dark. I wondered to myself, “Why was I like that?” There came along with all this memory a deep regret for my lack of enjoying that part of my life and the immense beauty of the places in which I lived.
My memories then shifted to my childhood and images of the places I lived and the things I did began to pour in. These were less alien to me and there was little connection at all to the memory of my childhood. I remember visiting these childhood places while OOB and wondered, “Why do I not visit Montana when OOB?” I didn’t know.
Eventually I began to feel overwhelmingly hot. There was no sweat, either, just a core heat that seemed to radiate out from my center. This came and then went only to come back again. The memories of my life were still repeating and there was a question that came often with them, “Can you let it go?” There was also a statement I recall hearing, “Accept the Old you and the New you will be all that remains”.
Eventually, the memories stopped coming and I was able to just listen to the music as music. I even sang along to it while I cradled my youngest in my arms to help him get to sleep. I felt extremely tired and nearly fell asleep with him.
I want to briefly discuss a memory that came while all this review was occurring. It was from the morning in which I woke to a voice telling me, “Get out now”. There was a discussion of this time in my life and a flash of memory of the months preceding this incident.
I had been extremely depressed for months. The depression had been there before but this was a very low, heavy kind of blackness. During this time I chose various outlets to relieve my depression. One of them was music. I went out and bought a guitar and taught myself to play it. I then composed songs. It was through these songs that I received help and my first “messages”. I didn’t know that was what it was at the time. I did keep a journal but did not write about these experiences for some reason. I wish I had.
This depression was so bad that thoughts of suicide were almost constantly on my mind. I did not tell anyone this, though. I kept it hidden and knew I would not have the courage to go through with it. I often prayed for God to end my life for me – freak accident or something like that. Of course, that never happened. I got very close to taking action toward ending my life, but couldn’t do it. It felt so very selfish and wrong. I don’t remember now my thoughts exactly but there was a feeling that a solution was coming.
Having these memories return made me wonder if perhaps a solution had come via that voice. Was there some kind of walk-in experience then? It seems very possible, even likely. I woke up to a voice telling me what to do and I didn’t question it. That was unlike the old me.
After I heard the voice, I left my husband within a week and found a new job within a month. Within four months I had done my first-ever meditation which seemed to activate something within me and within two months of that I quit the job I had just gotten, moved away, changed my name and changed everything about my life and my persona. The life I left behind did not feel like mine. It still feels that way. All of these actions are classic signs of a walk-in.
Even though I am now going through something very different than back then, I wonder if perhaps a similar process is happening?